Back to Church!!

I finally went to church this morning..the first sunday morning in over 3 months! It felt good. I spent the day relaxing..thanks to my awsome sister in law for watching the kids..well jeremiah is at Blair's. I have been doing some thinking..this week we are FINALLY going to finish Isaiah's room. We still need bunk beds for the girls.. but once the rooms are all back in order, I want to really change our evening schedule, which will take some sacfrice on my part partially. I am thinking about turning the TV off around 7 pm on school nights. I want to have the kids read, maybe play a game together, do some quiet activities, squeeze in some family time every night. I think it will benefit all of us. I will admit that for as long as I can remember, if we are home there is at least 1 tv on in the house. Some days I just crave some quiet. And now that Jeremiah's getting older, I don't want the distraction of TV if he's got more homework..I want the girls to get in the habit of learning the value of peace and quiet. For the most part, none of our kids are TV junkies...if they have the option to be outside playing or watching tv, they definately will be outside. So we'll see..Darnell is the bomb.. I had a quiet day! He was working... Joanie had the kids..Jeremiah's at Blair's. This week I REALLY need to get some serious stuff done around the house. I got the oven started...it need to be cleaned on the inside.. I did the fridge and freezer 2 weeks ago, under the sink is clean..it feels good to have those out of sight place clean and organzied. On that note I need to go to bed!

Awesome Day!

So...today Darnell went to the Golf Outing w/ a bunch of guys from church and then they had a big lunch at church afterwards. Now he's a movie w/ Ivan. I am soo happy he got a day to do his own thing. He does SOOO much for me..the past few weeks especially I have been in such a funk that even though I'm a stay at home mom, I wasn't doing a whole lot. He picked up the slack. So I am glad he had at least one day to do his own thing. He's been wanting to golf for so long. The kids spent most of the day next door helping our friend Janice w/ the estate sale for our neighbor. So.. I pulled up the carpet in our parlor! The floors underneath actually look cool. They need a little bit of work, but look 100% better than the crap carpet that was there, that also had a HUGE stain from the paint that got spilled by a certain someone in my house.. I feel really great today. Haven't felt good in awhile!! We are planning on going to Florida in October. We don't have alot of money, but we will are expecting some money to come in, so Darnell and I decided we needed to get away. The plane tickets are dirt cheap, and once we get to Orlando my counsin Aaron and wife Meg live there. They are super excited to have us come visit. So we won't have to pay for a hotel, transportation...just food.. and well, we have to eat weather we are home or in Florida, lol.. It is our thought THAT, give the hellish year we have had, if we do NOT invest some time ( and even some $$) into our marriage to get away, spend time together, we will not be able to be strong in our marriage. So many people put the everything else first and their marriage last. It's obvious.. divorce rates are thru the roof. For us, w/ all we've dealt with, we need time togeteher to just relax and have fun. And dare I say, we deserve it! We have always tried to put God first, our marriage 2nd and the kids next. Some look at the kids come first...no excuses. Well..if you don't have a relationship w/ God, well you really are going to be missing out on what God has for you, and if your marriage isn't strong, how can your family as a unit be strong? It all flows, if you put things in the right order. I am in desperate need of a vacation, and so is Darnell. So that's what we are going to do! I am so excited that I pulled up the carpet in our parlor! It looks pretty decent. I am working on getting Isaiah's room finished this next week. It's actually been such a good day! And if all goes well in the morning, we are going to church! It's been too long!

WOW

Well, Isaiah's psychiatrist a few months ago said to definately go ahead and apply for SSI for Isaiah. I didn't know if we should..but once the Dr. said he needed it I went ahead and applied. Now, I have heard from various people that it can take up to 2 or 3 times of applying to get approved. WELL....God is good, Isaiah was approved! First time applying. This means we will get a monthly check and a medical card. This is absolutely from God. In so many ways, probably the biggest thing is validiation. The state of WI validates the fact that Isaiah does indeed have a disability, it's not my parenting, it's not in my head or whatever... That validation leads to the school hopefully seeing this and taking Isaiah's issues seriously, since up to this point, they have not. So what a LOAD OFF!! Thank you JESUS!!!! This also means that I can be an official stay at home mom!!! When I was trying to work and do school and deal w/ Isaiah, I felt like the world was on my shoulders. Now I can be home, take care of my family and know that finanically we are ok, and equally as important, I have a door open to us for further resources for Isaiah. I don't have to stress about trying to find a job that will work around Darnell's schedule. Although this doesn't change Isaiah's issues, I at least don't have the other things to stress me out. God knew I was at my wits end. I feel very blessed today. My children are beautiful and awesome, my husband is THE BEST, most involved father I could ever ask for. Sooo many blessings!!!!!!!

Can't sleep

It's almost 2:30 a.m. I can't sleep. I have gotten laundry done and folded..a few other odds and ends done.. I enjoy the peace and quiet, but I know in the morning, when the kids are up, I will regret haivng not slept. Normally, I sleep really good in times of stress. I think the last 8 months at least have officially caught up to me. Isaiah is home, but I am not naive enough to think that after only one day home all will be well. School starts in 2 weeks, it's VERY unpredictable as to how Isaiah will handle it. It really is a good thing I don't work. I also am going to be setting up appts. at children's w/ a neuropsychiatrist. I also need to get his eyes checked and then once school starts deal w/ his developmental delays. AHHHHH!!! There is just sooo much to all this. I also really should get my other kids into some kind of counseling..even if it's not long term, just someone they can talk to, that's not me or Darnell that can help them deal w/ having a brother that has these issues. I realize God has his hand on us... I just am having such a hard time understanding. I went thru it when Haley was having surgery after surgery. What it boils down to is... this whole situaion is what it is. I can't change it. THe best I can do is let God do his thing, do the best for my family, be the best advocate for Isaiah as I can be. Somewhere in there I have to keep my sanity. That really is the hardest part. Accepting all the emotions and feelings that come my way. Not letting them take over. We have awesome support, friends, family, etc..but at the end of the day, I have to be at peace with myself and w/ God. For the most part I do fully realize that God is God and he's soverign. We aren't promised a life w/o trials, we are promised that we won't walk alone. So I am moving towards less questions aimed at God, and more faith. And praying for his mercy and grace to cover me in my weak moments, which seem to be coming a lot these days. Well this is all pretty deep for the middle of the night.. I really need to try and sleep. I pray for an easy Wednesday. That I will have energy..that I will be productive. Off to bed...hopefully I will sleep!!!

Happy Birthday Isaiah!!

Yesterday we went to Roger's Memorial to visit Isaiah. We came home w/ him! We originally were pushing for long term care. However, the long care facility affialited w/ Roger's doesn't take kids as young as Isaiah. Anything beyond that, I have no idea. There also is the issue that Isaiah DOES NOT act out at the hospital, he's not there long enough for it all to come out. It's sort of a sore spot, because they know he has these issues but he does exactly what he should do when he's inpatient. So the plan is to get in home thearpy started. He's on new meds, AGAIN! I am happy he's home for his birthday. I just feel like I'm on pins and needles, waiting for him to have an episode. I literally have to let God be in control...
Yesterday we picked up a dryer from my friend I grew up with, Phil. Our's went out and we just don't have the time to mess with it... so he had one in his garage and was kind enough to give it to us. So thank God now I can get caught up on my laundry. As much as I don't like doing laundry, I figured out real fast that when you CAN'T do laundry, you appreciate working applicance even if you don't enjoy doing the chore, LOL.. Darnell fixed the sink yesterday! He was my fix it man! And he hooked up the new dryer! He's the man. Well, I suppose I should get myself moving, no Starubcks, no croissants and I am exhausted, lol..THe last week and a half have been completely draining. Had a fun vacation in the Dells, but I still feel like I'm in the twilight zone or something...

Home sweet Home!

Well after 3 full days in the dells, I am happy to be home. we had a fabulous time. THe kids played and played and played!!! I have to admit, I was soo sad Isaiah wasn't there, but, when I talked to him tonight, he was in a great mood, sounded really good and is super excited that we are coming up tomorrow! This weekend, I had planned on relaxing and having fun...which I did. However, I told the kids that today(sunday) I would go on the rides..,but I did NOT realize how drained I'd feel. It's like last MOn-Wed, were pure Hell.. fighting w/ Isaiah and all that, Wed. was the worst.. then Thursday I had to get everything ready to go to the Dells.. wake up SUPER early Friday morning and hit the road! NO down time, no time to really process and deal w/ all that went on during the week. Maybe I'm just super emotional, but I feel totally drained. So this morning Darnell made some kind of remark that pissed me off.. I got all emotional, had a meltdown in the van.. so ridiculous. What it came down to is everything is just catching up to me I guess. Being overtired, busy, the emotional stress of having a child in the hospital and not having any idea what the next step will be, so many unknowns.. For me, I don't deal w/ all that very well. I tend to sorta shut down. Which I am working on.. Darnell is completely opposite, he keeps busy, So this weekend,he did everything and anyting w/ the kids while I lounged in the chairs getting even more tan. Bottom line, we had a good time, but it's good to be home. The wedding was great, the reception was fabulous, especially since my oldest son danced w/ me!!! So precious! So, I am not going to deal w/ things as they come, no expectations, especially when it's concerning Isaiah..THe kids start school 2 weeks from Tuesday..wow. the summer literally flew by! I need to go to bed.. my eyes are closing..Good night!!!!!!!!!!

Wisconsin Dells

We are in the Dells. Isaiah's in the hospital. At first, I wasn't going to come with. I figured I'd stay home, I could use my mom's car and go visit Isaiah and just stay home. However, today for instance, I could have only spent 45 min w/ him, that's the visiting time for weekdays. Tomorrow is 2 hrs, and we've found in the past that 2 hours is too long. He starts getting ansty, whiny, crabby, asking for snacks, which I have no control over getting him, there isn't really any where we can go with him. So I only spend an hour at the most w/ him. So..to give myself a break, I came with. I'm so glad I did. THe entire Hoaglund Clan is here, taking over the Wilderness, lol.. I feel bad a bit because after the week I had, I am literally exhausted in every way. Darnell let me sleep, he took the kids for dinner and I'll probably sleep in in the morning. The last time we came to the Wilderness was right after Isaiah was discharged from his first hospital stay. THat week I felt the same as I do now, exhausted, drained, etc..but happy to be away. So it's a bit of a balancing act to get some rest and relaxation in and have fun w/ everyone else. In the end, Isaiah sounded good today. Jeremiah, Haley and Savannah are having a blast. The upside to this trip is, we don't have to worry about Isaiah having a fit, everything being a big deal etc...I know this is all happening for a reason. Today, I am ok w/ it I guess. We dropped Isaiah's clothes off this morning on our way out and I cried and cried after we left. There are just so many emotions that go w/ all this. One minute I feel calm, cool and collected, the next I see a little boy w/ the same swim trunks Isaiah wore last summer and it made me want to cry. The emotions of of a mom I guess are unpredictable..God is good. That I have to constantly remind myself. I truly believe this weekend came at just the right time. We all needed a break, some FUN, and Isaiah is safe. At this point his safety his a priority! Well I am off to relax!!!!!!!!!!!