Beautiful Saturday afternoon

It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Darnell and Jeremiah are putting J's new bed together. The kids rooms are finally all coming together. I often wonder why do I blog? Just to chatter on about the regular going on's of my life, to share and be completely transparent about my life? Probably the latter. It's quite therapuetic for me. Honestly, I can admit that I am trying to work my way thru this depression or funk I've been in. Most days, I don't feel like doing anything. I find myself beating myself up about what I should be doing, what I didn't do etc... I have 4 kids, it's not fair to them to have a mom that's always bummed out. I am trying to be proactive and make my way.. I've been praying, I actually made it to church 2 out of the last 4 weeks, tomorrow will make 3 sundays. Darnell has been really good about picking up my slack. I wish I could help him understand why I feel the way I do.. however sometimes it doesn't even make sense to me. Everything w/ Isaiah has caught up to me. I think that's the bottom line. It's no one's fault, it is what it is. I am blessed in SOO many ways I see that. I just "feel" yucky most of the time. I think I am tired about even blogging about this today, lol..

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Labor Day! Darnell had to work so the kids and I went to my mom's. We were going to cook out but got lazy and ordered pizza instead. The kids played outside, it's gorgeous out today! I wish I could say I have tons of energy, however I do not. I did clean the upstairs bathroom, but I have so much I wnat to do..I am struggling to get out of this funk..I know I am capable of so much more, yet I am feel stuck. I would rather lay around and do nothing. With the kids in school I have plenty of time to get things done and I have a choice to either get stuff done, or take naps etc...I am tired of my own whining. Well it IS my blog, so I guess I can whine all I want, lol.. seriously though...I have a family, I have resposenabilites and I need to get with it. I am thinking I need to shake up my routine...the rut I am in will only change if I make a conscious effort to make some changes. I need to pray for God to give me what I need.

Well, this week has been pretty darn good. THe kids went back to school, can I get an AMEN?? LOL.. J, H & S had great days. Isaiah, not so much. He cracked a window and came barreling out the front doors w/ the principal and 2 other staff members following after.. This time I did NOT have a meltdown. Yay for me! I did however take a really long nap w/ Isaiah when we got home. I emailed the superintendent for unified stating my issues w/ RUSD, the fact that I want to have a meeting, and I will not settle for mediocore(totally spelled that wrong, lol) education just because he has a disability. I will not apologize for the fact that Isaiah's issues are not his fault. Yes, he doesn't show a lot of his episodes at school, but after the incident on the first day I am interested to see how they can justify that. he's 6 now, he NEEDS to be in the proper class so he can receive the education he's entitled to. so that's that.

I have had all this SSI stuff on my brain for entirely too long...this week it's all done and in our favor. Praise God. I am noticing God's favor in so many areas in our lives. I feel like after the summer from Hell, this fall, this new season will bring new things, better things. I firmly believe that!

Painting..

Yesterday I finally tackled Isaiah's room and painted it. It still needs some trim work and all that but it's 90% done. That's a load off. Next I am going to re paint all of our doors on the 2nd floor and the trim in the girls room. It's all white and w/ 4 kids, only so much will come off w/ scrubbing...Darnell is off for the next 3 days! YAY! After this week he will be working a lot of overtime. That's good too. It will work out that the extra days he works the kids will be in school anyways so that's nice. They go back to school in, not including today, 5 days!! Yes I am counting down. I wish I was one of those moms that could say, Oh I am going to miss them sooo much.. but I am not. I am tired of the tattling taling, whining, blah blah blah...I will however miss the good days, the laughter, the silliness, the carefree moods my kids have. This summer was awful for the most part. I will be glad to say good bye. Not to mention the weather sucked. Hardly hot, hardly any decent days to swim..which is a shame seeings we have a great pool in our backyard. But I am looking forward to fall days, going for walks, getting some stuff done around the house. Now that I am able to stay home and not feel guilty about it, I can actually have some time to myself and maybe even enjoy it! I plan on hanging out more at Nikki's and snuggling my sweet nieces.. helping my friend Jen w/ her newborn twins once they come home..getting my house organized..With all that being said, I do realize that these are my plans. I am not naive enough to think that God may have other plans for me.. so we'll see. I am praying that this next season(literally haha) will be QUIET!!!

Happy Birthday Savannah, and a bit of reflection

I got a lot done today. I even got dinner ready at like 4, which was great because all I had to do was pop it in the oven. The in home therapist came for the first time. She'll come back again next Tuesday. I FINALLY got my upstairs toilet cleaned, that's the worst part, lol.. the rest of the bathroom is a breeze. I am more than ready for school to start...I am longing to hear NOTHING for more than 5 min. I love my children dearly, however after a long summer, I am ready for silence. Tonight Haley said she was "leaking" for her that means leaking urine from down below.. for anyone else that is normal, for her, not normal, not good. She had a HUGE surgery so she'd be dry. I am not freaked out like I used to get, but I am concerned. Haley seems ok w/ it, however she is pretty good at hiding things. To have 2 kids that are legally disabled really does wear on a person. I am probably feeling it more this week because it's the end of a long, horrible, draining summer. I was telling Darnell the other night that although Isaiah is doing somewhat better, I feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome. So much as happened just this year...as a mom, I can't just forget or get over all that has happened. How can a mom forget the screams that come from your child when you are walking away from him, leaving him in a psych ward? How do you forget seeing him have night terrors, seeing your other kids cry because they have no idea what's going on, they are torn between the anger they have every right to feel about the situation and the fear that they feel when they little brother is in and out of the hospital? All the things we have gone thru don't just go away. As a woman and mom and a very emotional, sensitive one at that, I just can't pretend all is well all the time. With Haley and Isaiah, you just never know. I am so thankful for my faith in God. With all that I feel and am dealing with I do know that God is in control. I have no doubt. I may not like what's going on, but I still have faith. I am thankful for nights like tonight when the kids are giggling, Isaiah took a bubble bath w/ his spiderman bubbles, Darnell is playing a video game w/ Jeremiah..listening to the happy laughter and squeals coming from my birthday girl Savannah. I am blessed. Despite the challenges and trials, I am blessed!!!!

Can you say "school needs to start??"

Crabby..ornery...impatient...let's see if there are any other good words to describe my mood this fine Monday night. Foul..that's a good one, lol...This afternoon I took the kids to my friend's house. The kids all played well together, us mom's got to chat..sounds good right? Well..when it was time to leave my 6yr old son decided He wasn't going home. Excuse me? You are 6...just exactly who do you think you are to tell ME, your MOTHER, where you will and won't go? Well HE thinks he can. So needless to say that began the battle of the wills. My will verses his will. I am pretty sure I am more stubborn, but he's right up there w/ me. He can go on and on and on....This morning he was going on about a dollar. I started counting how many times he repeated this sentence" I want my dollar." He had been going on for forever when I started counting, I got to about 40 times, he probably said it 40 time before that. For crying out loud, seriously... he just wouldn't let it go....Although I admire this strong will in my son at times, today I wanted to send him to the moon. Really. I ended up dropping him off at Darnell's sister's house.She is my hero today. Seriously, she absolutely saved me!!!! I really am crabby. I think I have pinned it down to something really stupid. I have a few things I want to do around the house, like deep clean my kitchen and bathrooms. However as easy as that sounds, I get infuritated (can't spell that obviously, haha) because w/ 4 kids..everything I clean gets undone so quickly. I guess I also need to remind myself that this summer bit the big one...I'm coming out of a really dark hole that I am not even completely sure is over with. So....the littlest things set me off. Unfortunately I am not pleasant to be around at this very moment. My apologies to my family. My kids really are the best. Jeremiah is SOOO helpful all the time. He doesn't complain, he's just awesome. My girls weeded a ton and basically did all the weeding I wanted to get done. So..I will end this blog tonight thanking God for my family and getting over myself and quit being so crabby. I think I shall go to bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not My chid Monday!!!

Did you almost die of embarrassment when your child pulled their own pants down at the library? Want to scream bloody murder when your toddler took a pair of scissors to the dog's fur? Feel like a terrible mother when your kid said a four-letter-word at a back to school event? Well don't! Mothers aren't perfect and neither are children. Let's 'fess up today because it's Not my child! Monday!


I absolutely did not allow my children to basically eat leftover birthday cake all day on Saturday, simply because the sooner the eat, the sooner they will quit asking me if they can have it. They didn't even get a sugar high! I would never dream of allowing my 9yr old daughter go to the arcade at the Wilderness in WI Dells dresssed like a homeless person. Nope, not my child!! I look at it as freedom to express herself!!

And just a bit of "Not me Monday".... I definately DO NOT wish the kids were already in school so I would not have to listen to these kids argue, complain, whine and make me want to jump off a bridge...