School has started!!!

I talked to my dad on the phone 3 times today. so cool! This weekend, I just may meet 2 of my half brothers. It's all so amazing. It's new and exciting and a little bit scary, lol...Darnell's been off most of the week and he's off till next Tuesday. I sorta had a meltdown on Monday. Isaiah was just too much for me. I just couldn't handle anymore. So thankfully Darnell came home. School started yesterday!! The night before school started I had probably one of the WORST nights ever ever ever!!! My head hurt so bad that I wanted to just die. I was dreaming about my head hurting, I kept waking up... horrible. So, yesterday I called my Nurse Praticioner to get a referral for the headache clinic. Then last night I went to a counseling appointment. I need to start making a list of what I need to get done, and at night letting it be, not going over and over things in my head. I also need to stop putting so many expectations on myself. Easier said than done.
Everyone had a great day at school. Isaiah got on the bus and has now completed 2 full days of school. good start to a great year!
Funny story... yesterday, the house smelled. Now I am not a Merry maid and have a pristine house, but we aren't yucky slobs either. So I could not figure out what smelled so awful. So at like 6:30 this morning Darnell was smelling behind the fridge( where our mouse zapper is) and Darnell says " For the mouse house, when does the light go on? I said, it blinks if there is a dead mouse in there"... he says well it was blinking like 3 or 4 days ago!!! Well we found where the smell was coming from! So GROSS!!!! At least I got the mouse out and the smell. Now I need to put the mouse house back just in case there are anymore of that dead mouses friends. so gross.
So I am drooling over the iphone 4. I want one bad. I also want the Ipad. I guess I could go on and on, however today I am very thankful that we are able to pay our rent, buy groceries etc..

First day of school!!!

Well FINALLY the first day of school came. Unfortunately I was soo sick this morning, I didnt get to see the kids off, Darnell did. But they all had a great day. Haley started middle school... whoa..Isaiah rode the bus! whoo-hoo! Unfortnuately I had a horrible night from Hell last night.. I had the worst headache EVER....so I called today to get a referral to the headache clinic. It was horrible.

This weekend my dad is coming to visit, and my brother Kevin and his family are coming from seattle. so... we are planning on getting together w/ my brothers and their families and then handing out w/ my dad and Pam on sunday afternoon. It all feels so surreal sometimes!
Well I would type more, but i'm falling asleep! good night!

And so it begins!

Tomorrow is the big day! Jeremiah's last year of middle school, Haley's first day, Savannah's last year of elementary and Isaiah's first full day in first grade! A lot of milestones! We have been extremely blessed by our mom's helping us out w/ school supplies etc... then we got 2 checks in the mail I wasn't counting on getting so we were able to get a few last minute things and got some good deals! Today I spoke w/ Isaiah's teacher to give her a head's up on his situation, then I talked w/ the nurse at the Real school for Haley and cathing. I REALLY have taken for granted the last 6 years for her to be able to go to the nurse, cath and that's that. Now that she's older and at a different school it's not quite as easy for her to cath privately..there isn't a nurse's office w/ a private bathroom for her to go and take care of things. However she has an uncanny abiblity to really adjust well. The only thing that rattled her was the thought of walking home from the bus stop alone. We assured her she won't have to walk home alone. It's funn b/c when you're kids get older and you think they need you less, in reality, they really still need you. It makes me think of kids that have parents that don't soothe their kids, aren't there to make them feel better. I am happy my kids are able to come to us and tell us how they feel.
I have been in a weird spot lately. Isaiah's behavior over the last few weeks have taken it's toll on me. I have an appt. wednesday evening w/ my cousnelor. I so so so need to get myself together. I feel like one minute I feel on top of the world, the next the world is crashing down around me,...Ido however think w/ the kids getting back into school will help and get things a little more on schedule! I am givng the whole situation w/ Isaiah to God. I am prayng that his experiences are good, his anxiety is low..
My dad will be here this weekend! And w/in the next week or so we'll prob be getting together w/ my brothers and their families. Still kind of in shock w/ all that. I hope we can all bond(sounds cheezy I know).. but how often does a person get the chance to connect w/ siblings you never knew? Now days, w/ the economy being in the toilet, people losing jobs, homes, etc.. family is what it is all about. Thankfully the our families are awesome, we are definately blessed by them. so it's all in God's hands.

I am going to start training for a triathalon. It's not for a whole year, but that gives me plenty of time to lose some weight, get in shape, etc.. it also gives me someting to work towards. With the kids being in school I am HOPING to get into a routine of working out.. we'll see...

2 Days!

2 more days till the kids go back to school! Just a little bit excited! Although I don’t think it has completely hit me that Haley is starting middle school. WOW!!
So it’s been on my mind about a woman’s body image. We all struggle with it. And if you don’t, you are probably lying. Ha! I have lost a lot of weight due to gastric bypass, but have put on about 40 lbs. Not good. It really does a number on your mind..and emotions. So what it boils down to and I’ll be the first to admit it is that you start comparing yourself to other women. Again, if you don’t do that, either you are extremely secure in yourself, or you are a bold face liar. Just saying….
Yesterday Julie took GOREOUS pics of us. I wanted some good ones of Darnell and I. Of course they turned out beautiful but I did catch myself many times critiquing(sp?) myself. When REALLY these pictures are a forever momento for us, our kids, our family for generations, God willing. No one is going to be obsessing about the things I am.. Or if they are they do not know the real meaning of family, haha…I put myself thru such a roller coaster emotionally, one day being all hyped up about zumba, eating right, drinking tons of water..etc.. then I have other days where I could care less. I really need to find a happy medium. Again I have a goal.. Once the kids are back in school I want to get into a routine. I don’t want to waste my time or my days. So I am going to post a few pics Julie took…totally beautiful!

what a day!

It's 2:37 a.m. Why am I still up? well because I spent almost 7 hrs going to and from children's hospital w/ Haley. here's the short version.. she went to church sunday evening to play dodgeball, she didn't fall, get hit,NOTHING, but came home saying her hip hurt. Now, because of her surgeries to repair her pelvic and hip bones when she was younger, I am always cautious about any kind of pain she has. we waited it out a couple of days, iced it, kept her off of it a bit, but it was getting worse. So today I decided I better bring her in to get it checked. And of course I can't bring her to the hospital here in Racine. With her extensive and unique medical history, they would have almost no idea how to deal w/ her or misdiagnose her. I was going to wait until the mornign, then I figured I mine as well bring her in. It's amazing how God gives you those motherly instincts. In January when we brought her in for pain in almost the same spot they didn't find anyting except, for lack of a better more medical explaniation, a funny spot on her hip bone. It's the same spot now that is bugging her. You can see it on the xray and when they examined her that's where the pain is. Normally that shouldn't cause a problem, but we have learned that it seems our family is always the exception, not the rule, lol.. so if the pain doesn't subside after staying off of it and tylenol we may need to bring her to the orthopedic surgeon who did her original surgery for an MRI. However, for tonight, she is home safe and sound sleeping peacefully. When we were in the ER, one of the nurses that took care of her when she was 2 was her nurse tonight. She spent SOOOO much time up there from 2001-2002, we had a few nurses that were practically like family. They made the time there bearable. They made it easier for Darnell and I to go back and forth, they absolutely LOVED Haley. they would fight over who was going to be her nurse. And who wouldnt'? lol.. So.. my feathers are not too ruffled, I'm tired but feeling good for the most part.
Today, well technically yesterday the 25th was Savannah's 10th bday. WOW... my baby girl is in double digits. she is an amazing kid. she entertains herself, she is SOOO thoughtful, so easy going, and she's a riot. the family comedian! She is the biggest daddy's girl I have ever seen. she is just crazy for Darnell. it's precious. I am so thankful that our kids have a daddy that they love, that is a good example, he takes an active interest in them, and it's not out of obligation, he geniuenly (sp?) wants to know how their days go etc...Our girls will hopefully find a man who is like him, he treats me like a princess, so hopefully they will see that that is how you treat a woman. He's not over the top, but they see how a loving husband looks like and the boys will hopefully learn from Darnell's example on how to be a loving, caring, FUN daddy and husband someday! Who could ask for more? As I see other parents, I wonder what people think of me when they see me... I am working on my outward apperarnce. I have gone for so long w/o doing my hair, wearing makeup etc.. that it's time for me to start kicking it up a notch. I also am committing myself to doing zumba regularly. I also think I need to take more time for myself, quiet time to pray, etc... My mom has always been a good example to me on how to be an awesome mom. I hope someday my kids will feel the same way about me. I am blessed that I can stay home with them. Of course it's difficult finincially sometimes, HOWEVER God always provides. My place, my ministry is to be at home w/ my children. to be Haley and Isaiah's advocate, their voice for their disabilities, to be there for Jeremiah and savannah as they deal w/ having siblings w/ issues and to support Darnell. Someday I do want to be a nurse. Right now though, my place is at home. To some that may be old fashioned, but this is what's right for our family. So.. since I am rambling on and on.. I will be done. I need to go to sleep. Less than a week till school starts!!!

zumba!!

I exercised 2 days in a row! yesterday me and the boys went for long walk, we ran up and down a set of 50 stairs..I made it up and down 4 times.. felt like i was going to pass out when i was done, lol..Today I went to zumba right down at the beach. I made ( my kids words) the best dinner EVEr tonight. Plus today I got a bunch of paper work taken care of. feels good.

So, I know I am always so sappy and mushy about Darnell. However, he really deserves it. This morning he left me a sweet message on my facebook wall. Then after work, he came home and w/ the girls, listened to Miley Cyrus and cleaned the kitchen completely! He said they were singing and cleaning, lol.. I went to barnes and Noble to chill. Darnell needs to teach classes on how to be a fabulous dad and husband. He is soo patient w/ me, w/ my issues, lol...I just am so blessed.
I was reading the book " The Bipolar child"...well if that didn't confirm Isaiah's diagnosis, nothing will. So much of what I read is Isaiah to a T. right down to him obsessing about being bored. Even that was in the book!!! I feel validated. It also said it's soooo typical for families that deal w/ this to sort of suffer in silence b/c most bipolar kids save all their rage and crazy behavior for home. It's the most comfortable place for them to let out their emotions. So when someone says, oh he's so cute and nice...etc... well I want to say that's all wonderful, but right before we got here he tried to take me out w/ a remote control b/c he chucked it across the room. I absolutely feel so good knowing that isaiah's diagnosis is correct. Dealing w/ it is a differnt issue entirely.. but for now, just knowing more about it helps. well I am done for the day.. zumba wore me out, lol...

Depression

Have you seen the commerical about depression meds that says " depression hurts" well it's true..It hinders so much of your life. So many people can say well just cheer up or snap out of it, well if it were that easy don't you think I would do that? I mean really... would I choose to be depressed, not have any energy, not want to go anywhere or do anything? I hate having things to do, places to go and I literally can NOT make myself go. And what the heck do you say to someone, oh well I'm depressed, I can't go? Then all that ends up happening is you turn into the unreliable person who shows up for some things, and not others. It's not because you liked one event over anohter, it's how you woke up and felt that day...I've listened to Joyce Meyers for years and she always says don't let your feelings/emotions dicate your actions. Beleive me, this is not what depression is. I just want to cry sometimes because I feel like I'm letting my family down, letting friends down because I am so stuck, i guess is the best word. I am doing my best to manage this. There are just some days I feel like I just want to be forgotten. Does that make sense? Just so I can be...be without constantly having someone need me. And of course I get it, I am a mother of 4 kids, I chose this, I wouldnt' change it, but dealing w/ depression puts a kink in things, a lot!!! When Darnell's home, he's does so much. He is an awesome support. I feel bad for him, having to deal w/ me, lol...I will say, I won't quit trying to feel better, to get better.