Dreams

I woke up about a half hour ago and this is the 3rd morning I woke having had weird dreams. The ones that resinate with you for awhile. Today I woke up with the song " My God, will never give up, never give up on me..." by Hillsong ( I'm pretty sure) 
The other part of the dream was that I was with people, some I knew some I didn't. I was talking, shouting, trying to say SOMETHING and I just kept getting ignored. I feel that way a lot in real life.  It's not a statement I make so people will come to me and say " Melissa.. it's not like that at all"  It's a personal issue I guess. But it's how I feel. Darnell has a very big family. It can be intimidating at times. In my house we have 6 people and now that the kids are older it's as loud as it was 10  years ago when Isaiah was born and I had a baby crying, 2 toddlers that could scream like no body's business and 7 yr old that was.. well 7. It was noisy and loud then. It's noisy and loud now. Only now, it's mom, I need this. Mom, where is my...'blah blah blah" you get it. 
I feel like I get lost in it. We have so many "different" issues than most families. I have to take care of the details. I am ok with that. I am good at it. I feel confident taking care of Haley after surgery b/c I've done it so much. Even after Darnell had surgery, his wound care, the drain he had.. none of it freaked me out. Those things are my strengths. 
But being heard, having a voice..has never been part of who I am. It's frustrating. I've spent the better part of 10 years pratically screaming at Racine Unified to help Isaiah. In the school setting at least. I got no where. For awhile I was telling other people.. HEY THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG HERE!! WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME DAMN IT!!! 
screaming gets you no where. Believe me, I have tried.  So here I am with all that hanging in my head. But then that song.. "my God".... MY GOD will never give up on me. If people down here won't listen to me.. hear me, pay attention to what I have to say. MY GOD will. 

If you read my blog regularly please, if you feel comfortable, please comment or say hey. I don't know if I am reaching anyone. Is ANYONE reading this? Do I keep blogging or shut it down and just journal? If you read and you're a prayer warrior.. please pray for us. We got some oh so fabulous news that the insurance I thought would last at least through the end of the month ( because I got a letter saying it would! ) ended Jan.1. and with that means the co-payments of some meds I take are huge. And I didn't plan for that. The foodshare that I was counting on at least through this month didn't come through. Darnell took a few days off for Haley's surgery. Now we will be short with his check, no foodshare to help get the higher priced groceries ( I can coupon a LOT but the lower our cash flow is, It's hard trying to even buy enough newspapers on Sundays to GET the dang coupons) and I can't always coupon for meat and milk etc.. big families= lots of groceries. These things have been heavy on my heart. I don't share this b/c I want anything from anyone. I want prayer so I can be at rest and let God do what he needs to do however he's going to do it. I realize we're blessed in unimaginable ways compared to a lot of people. I'm just worn out. 
Worn out in a way I don't think I have ever been. So prayers would really be awesome. And say hey.. let me know "you" whoever you guys are that read this... thanks for reading. For listening to me go on and on. if you've been reading long enough you know I don't hold back especially on my blog. It all comes out here. Because I can let it all out. That's the beauty of blogs. If someone doesn't like the content click the box and leave. I don't take offense. Not everyone wants to read about me complaining, haha. I get it. So I can say what I want w/o the fear of feeling like I'm saying stuff that's going to offend someone. anyways.. I have to go see how my Haley baby is. Surgery went well, she came home yesterday ( Saturday)so far so good! 

Influenster~ Suave Products

I received Suave lotion and the scent is sweet pea and lavender.  I like the smell and how soft it leaves my skin without smelling to strong. My husband really liked the men's body wash. He works hard and this body wash helps him not smell so sweaty :)  The kids mousse worked really well as my kids have curly hair. As long as I didn't put too much in my hand it kept the curl looking good and not frizzing.
I definitely would definitely buy each of the products. Thank you!

Haley's surgery...

Haley's having surgery on Jan. 9th. All the pain she's had is from a bladder stone. I feel so bad for my girl. Watching her in all this pain is horrible. And to say that means that what she's feeling is prob 100% worse.  The last major surgery she had was 10 years ago. So it's a whole new ball game. 

I'm still dealing w/ depression and anxiety. I'm so sick of it. I HATE feeling this way. I want to feel normal. I want to wake up in the morning and actually have a desire to be apart of the land of the living. Not just barely make it through the day without at least 2 trips to the bathroom just to either stop myself from crying or cry and make it look like I wasn't crying. 

There are a million things I could/should be doing to be more proactive in helping myself. How do you do that when taking a shower feels like a chore? I've said the same stuff and gone over it all before. I just want this to stop. The weight of it all is making me sad and just disconnect.  I know all the self help..blah blah blah...that's not going to change our cirucumstances or the stupid chemical crap that goes on in someone's brain when you're prone to this stuff. So here I am.. or rather here it is...I'm sick of it. I do not want to keep feeling like this but i'm just to the point that I feel like it's never going to change. so I guess I just deal with it. ? i feel like I'm dramatic or whatever but it honestly is just how I feel. and it sucks. 

Normal? alone? no.

It's December. It was a rough year. I feel ALONE. we have had many, many people reach out, offer and give us support. 

We were blessed by the benefit given for our family. In a way I can never possibly thank everyone enough. 

Now life is back to normal? the depression I already dealt with has gone through the roof. It's Christmas time and I feel like I am just numb. 

I've posted so many things like this. I get tired of it myself. where do I go with all this? I do things to occupy my mind.. couponing. It saves us a lot of money.  I am trying to be the wife and mom my family needs. 
Honestly- tomorrow will be the same. I hate it. I hate how I feel now and how I will feel tomorrow. I hate that we can't give our kids the Christmas I would love to give them. I know it's not about the presents. But they deserve more. I can't give it to them. 
I have been a christian all my life. I know all the verses and such.. I have done everything I know to do to try and overcome this depression through prayer and scripture..
Nothing changes. Ever. tomorrow I will feel the same and I can't make it better. 

No matter what anyone tells me... or thinks.. my husband had cancer. my son is autistic, my daughter was born with bladder exstrophy and is miserable and in pain...my oldest son and youngest daughter have to watch all this happen and I don't know how to help them deal with it all. You don't get over cancer in the blink of an eye. yes it could have been worse. yes he is ok now. does that mean I don't deal with a HUGE amount of fear and anxiety because of what I watched him go through? 

I am dealing with all that. It overwhelms me. 

So this post sounds awful and pathetic. so i'll be done now. The next post will be better. 

work in progress

It's been a crazy year. I just am trying to get thought the days.

I'm working on getting a couponing blog.

I still can't sleep like a normal person. Jeremiah will be 17 on friday. I look at him and am full of love for him. He's absolutely becoming a man that I prayed he'd become, a man that will follow God. I can say though- I could cry that my sweet boy that I used to sing to is now taller than his daddy! I don't want the kids to ever stop calling Darnell Daddy.

I'm also working on getting super organized. I've been following some blogs, FB groups etc.. it's helping me get life organized. I hope to put together meal plans, make freezer meals.. make some good changes so that life in our house will flow.

Homeschooling- officially starting 2nd semester. TOOOOO much change and ups and downs these last months to have started school for Isaiah.

I am going to be (hopefully) starting a new blog.. one that is like so many I see that have pinterest buttons etc...

i'm going to bed.

Trying to get myself together.

Well I am trying to get myself together. I feel like my mind is all over the place. I'm trying to get organized in so many areas in my life. I am trying first to get my blog looking like a real blog.. start one about couponing but when I try to put it together I can't figure it out. We are homeschooling Isaiah but honestly with everything that's gone on... I'm really not starting till 2nd semester. He can't handle all the changes and honestly I can't either. 

The reality of Darnell having had cancer, gone through everything he has, how it's affected me, the kids, our entire life has hit me like a freaking mack truck and most of the time it feels like I'm stuck under it. I cry. ALOT. most of the time I don't even know why.  

The person I want to be, strive to be feels so far off. I don't want to complain and be crabby. I don't know how just naturally be happy for things I do have. I am thankful for so much. But this depression, anxiety.. what I feel is post traumatic stress syndrome b/c I've dealt with that before. I don't know how to get past this. I have faith, I have some hope although that is dwindling away. I hear all the things people are supposed to say.. have faith, pray, rely on God, etc.. well I am doing that. And I hate sounding like a broken record but I am just so tired of these huge life changing things happening to us. I'm emotional and with this depression I deal with, most of the time it just feels like I'm going to barely make it through it all. 

I'm not embarrassed to say I'm medicated. lol. or that I am going to my counselor. One that I need to see on a regular basis. 
So I'm not in a good place. I just am trying to get through really one day at a time as cliche as it sounds. 

I will be getting a couponing blog up and running soon. 

Read at your own risk. see a glimpse of how a mom/wife feels dealing w/ autism, bladder exstrophy, cancer, depression...

I wrote this Wednesday night, today we went to Froedtert(thursday) and Darnell saw the oncologist. No infection-just not healing properly. He's in A LOT of pain. He has a stronger cream that will help heal the skin where the incision and radiation are/were. It's been an a long day. What is written below is well... still true. lol. I am thankful for such WONDERFUL family and friends. And I am so blessed to be Darnell's wife and the mother to 4 awesome kids. Now brace yourself if you choose to read my rant :)




Well Darnell's been done w/ radiation for a little over a week. The site is irritating him so much and there may be an infection starting. Today he stayed laying down all day so he could just keep clothes away from it and sorta let it breathe.  he is supposed to go back to work on Tuesday. I know he has to at some point, but w/ the way things look right now, I just don't know. However, I realize that once he gets moving etc.. it may be just what his body needs???

Our benefit is Saturday. I'm excited. We have so fabulous friends and family. 

And because this is my blog and if you read my opening statement at the top of my blog that says something along the lines of " I will complain, swear, whine etc.. if you don't like it.. you know where the exit button is on your browser. Seriously. This is MY place to vent. no one has to like it or agree with it and if you judge me for it, well shame on you. you aren't living what I'm living. You aren't walking this road or feeling what I'm feeling. We have had A LOT of things thrown our way. God gives us grace and people to help us through. But I am also human. with real emotions that sometimes.. just need to come out. I NEVER in a million years thought this would be something we'd deal with. I guess no one thinks that. However when this hit, we had been ( and will always be ) dealing w/ Isaiah being autistic. Haley has bladder exstrophy. I deal w/ depression and anxiety. All the self help books and feel good sayings that I try to post in my house DO NOT help when I feel like everything is falling down around me. 

I'm trying to keep my head above water. keep up with the best ways to deal w/ Isaiah, how to help Haley go through her teenage years and having bladder exstrophy and chronic pain.. AND make sure Jeremiah and Savannah know that have just as important place in this family, it just doesn't require medical stuff. My God, I feel like shit. 
I don't want to hear" it could always be worse" guess what? this feels WORSE. Do you( whoever) know how to wake up and try and deal with a 10yr old boy that CANNOT express himself enough to tell us what he wants to eat? Or try to get him to take enough miralax so his bowels don't back up so bad he needs an enemia?? Haley's spasms hit her like a ton of bricks sometimes that it takes her breath away and I CAN'T do a dang thing about it. 
 I am TIRED of watching them suffer. Yes suffering produces strong people...etc... well as the mom, it is Hell to watch. 
And now to try and help my husband through this cancer ordeal. But oh they got it all... he looks fine...it's no big deal.. REALLY???????
35 radiation treatments.. a 7 1/2 incision and they took all the tissue down to his muscle. that's not a big deal? bull shit. He makes it look like it's all fine. He's awesome at that b/c he doesn't want anyone to worry. I admire that about him b/c I OBVIOUSLY can not do that. But cancer is now part of our reality and will be for a long time. Eventually I , as his wife, will learn to not feel afraid. He's the love of my life. I've been with him more years in my life that I wasn't with him. 
And to top it all off I am dealing w/ a situation that I SERIOUSLY so angry about I don't know that I have ever been this angry about. ugh. 
So.. I'm highly emotional, mentally and physcially exhausted and DO NOT GIVE A DAMN what anyone thinks, says about it. I know I'm doing my best. Darnell sincerely loves me JUST AS I AM. flaws and all. I really do want to get away for like 4 days- just him and I. sleep, eat some good food, watch Parenthood on Netflix. Just be. So.. I'm going to bed. I can't stand anymore of myself tonight. I am so thankful for a God that can handle all my craziness. all my emotional ups and downs and outburst. 
When I want to lash out at God for allowing things to happen, I can, b/c he can handle it, but then he provides people and family and friends that come in TRULY do right by God and by us. So yes I'm still angry but....God is big enough to handle it. He created me to be me. he know what he was doing and when i don't like myself, well actually when I take a look in the mirror.. a LONG, real look and literally can't stand looking at myself, he says " You are FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY  made" we are made in his image. Sin and life cause all the other crap. But He doesn't change. Good thing. too much in my life changes and lately not for the good. so there you have it. Well most of it. I left out some stuff that can be left unsaid b/c God is giving me the ability to shut my mouth. SHOCKER. right? The benefit that our friends are throwing for us means so much to us. I hope as many people that we invited can come. And not b/c it's a benefit and obviously raises funds to help our family.. but to see the people that have been behind the scenes, praying. Seriously. ok. i'm done. if you made it through this big 'ol huge rant without clicking out of it, well you deserve Starbucks, because, well you  know.. that's what I would want if I was going to win a prize. Venti Salted caramel mocha. wouldn't it be nice to have a deliery service EVERY morning? 


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