Isaiah...in the hospital agian...

OMG.. today had to be one of the WORST days ever, it's right up there w/ the day we found out Haley had bladder exstrophy, and the day she had a 12 hr surgery..Today I literally, seriosly felt like I had 100lbs just sitting on my chest.. Isaiah's episode of of epic proportions! ( that makes sense right?lol) I won't get into all the details, needless to say he's at Roger's Memorial in West Allis for his 3rd inpatient stay. This time however I am pusing VERY HARD that once he's done there they put him in a residential facility. Rogers has one in Oconomowoc that I guess if fabulous. THey would do what's called a med-wash, take him off all meds, see what happens then see what he really needs and make sure it works before he comes home. It's not ideal, this sure as shit was not my plan for my almsot 6 yr old, but it is what it is. I want a better life for him than what he's having now. We have done everything we can possibly do, and we are at the end of our rope. I can't handle all the episodes, the raging, our other stuff we have dealt with. So...we are praying that the the hoops we have to jump thru to get insurance to approve the residential facility and all that jazz will go smoothly. I honestly feel so broken, so worn out, so drained. Darnell's cousin is getting married in the dells this weekend, we've had this planned for a year, I was considering what I should do. Do I stay home, so I can visit Isaiah(which by the way is extremely limited) or should I go, enjoy a break w/ my hubby and ohter kids? My mom, hubby and Mother in law have all said I should go. I need to also think about Jeremiah, Haley and Savannah.. I want to be with them and be somewhat less stressed out than what I have been in recent months.. It's not fair to them that I am always feeling so drained to the point that I don't do enough fun things w/ them. So I am going to let go of my mommy guilt, and go. On our way home on Sunday we will stop off and visit Isaiah. My eyelids are HEAVY... sorry for the typos.. going to bed, finally after this HORRID day

life stinks today

I don't think dealing w/ all of Haley's surgeries was this emotionally draining as dealing w/ Isaiah's. I sound like the BIGGEST whiner on the planet...but I don't care, it's my blog and I can whine all I want. I am bruised, I have scabs everywhere from him scratching..I am SOOOOOOOOOOO fed up. There just aren't enough words to describe how mad I am. And I don't even know who I am mad at...God? myself? Isaiah? I just have never felt this lost before. I want to run away. I am sick of changing poop pull ups. He's going to be 6 next week for crying out loud.. I know it's not his fault, none of this is..

So I'm stuck. I know there are so many other things I should be focused on, verses I could be meditating on..and on and on....but I just don't feel like it.

Freaked out!

Well today we went swimming at Aunt Michelle's. My mom came along and we all had a blast. The afternoon ended early though because of some nasty storms that were rolling in. Savannah was in cardiac arrest, just about...Isaiah completely FREAKED me out today. He was walking weird, having weird arm and leg movements and a couple people asked me if something was wrong. I kept asking him if something was hurting, he said no. So.. I called D to tell him because for some reason it just jilted me. He looked off. If that makes any sense at all. THen Darnell called back and reminded me that the Dr. had said one of his medications "may" cause some muscle cramping, stiffness...sigh of relief. Not that I am happy about the stiffness or cramping, but at least it should explain the weird movements. Tonight I am home doing nothing. NOt that I don't have anything to do, just zero motivation...same old complaint I guess. This week it's suposed to be hot, hopefully we can get some use out of the pool and I can get my tan on. I don't know why I feel so restless latley. I'm dying to hop on a plane and go someplace...I think it's the beginning of that feeling when the kids have been home all summer, I'm starting to count the days to when they go back. I like having them home, it's just a lot of work! I'm blessed to be home w/ them, so by no means am I complaining..but every mother has her breaking point. Most of the summer I have not done my hair or put on makeup, I have gained some weight in recent months..just not feeling attractive or any of that. Oh and it has been probably one of the most stressful summers ever.. that might have something to do w/ it! On the bright side, Isaiah has not had any episodes in over a week! Thank GOD!! I am so thankful. It just seems that once the dust settles,I feel the stress of everything. So, I am working thru that.

Pretty prouductive night

Well summer has arrived I guess here in WI..the The humidity is outrageous! I'm not complaining though, I'm not thrilled to sweat 24/7 but it is better than fall weather in the summer. Our pool is NOT clean, which really is a shame b/c we can't swim in the one week that we finally will just about need to be in in order not to die of heat stroke. THe girls are sleeping over at Grandma Hoagie's tonight, w/ Tamiah & Amara. I'm sure they are having a blast. Today I washed our sheets, had Darnell help me flip our mattress, got a lot of the laundry done.. pretty productive. Lisa let me borrow their carpet cleaner, so that has sparked a cleaning frenzy in my I think. I'm so sick of all the things I keep looking at that need to be cleaned, then don't clean it. So...hopefully I will have the energy to keep up. Monday, I really need to make some phone calls in see what I am up against w/ Racine unified. He is suposed to go to kindergarten again, but I really don't think he can handle it. I know unified won't agree, so I'll just have to show them. This is going to be a huge fight I think,however I will do what I need to do to make sure my son gets the same education as everyone else. Well I really need to go change loads so I can take a shower..

brainstorming..

Well tonight we went to Aunt Linda & Uncle Chuck's for Aaron's b-day party. He and Meg are in town for a few days, and Jordan is in town as well. It was SOO much fun seeing everyone. I miss all of them. We definately did not get enough time together. Jules came and took TONS of awesome pics of everyone, and I took a ton too! I love taking pics..It's the best way to document all the events that go on...

Earlier today I was SOO lazy, I just couldn't get moving. My ultimate goal would be to get up early, walk down by the lake, all that.. Of course that sounds wonderful at night, in the morning I barely hear my alarm..I still feel quite wiped out. This last, well let me think, since January basically our world has been upside down on and off w/ everything going on.. it's really taking a toll on me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to whine. However I know myself, I see the patterns that seem to be forming. The depressive behaviors that seem to be manifesting...I'm not ashamed to say I take anti depressants.. I also know the drill, eat right, exercise, all that will help you feel better. Well how do you do that when you have NO motivation at all? How do you pick yourself up out of this rut? I keep praying for God to pull me out.. I don't know if I'm missing something, or if this is just what I need to endure right now. I am trying, very hard I might add, to convince myself that there is ALWAYS going to be some circumstance that is going to creep in and derail me from keeping my eyes on God. I know one thing for sure, I definatley need to stop comparing myself to other mom's. I am who I am, take me or leave me. Right now I can safely say that I am probably not the greatest friend, because my whole life seems to be consumed w/ the issues w/ Isaiah, I am not the greatest wife or mom because I'm sorta stuck in a rut. financially things are so tight, that doesn't help. we can't even buy the right chemicals for the pool, which is a real blow because it's finally going to be hot, and being able to let the kids swim, lounging by the pool, relaxing and watching the kids have a blast really does help. I titled this blog "brainstorming" it probably should be titled something different more along the lines of spilling out all the junk rolling around in my brain. There has been some drama in the family, which I wish would could just go away. It doesn't directly affect me per say, however seeing Darnell's family have all this strife is hard. I really pray for God to intervene..I pray that I will have the discernment to keep my mouth shut, stay out of it when it doesnt concern me..yada yada yada..
Isaiah has had a decent week. It seems his new meds are working. No rages in a week, thank GOd! He is acting weird, like he won't talk to me much, sorta standoffish.. probably because he's pissed that I took him to the hospital last week. Thank God he's only 5, he'll get over it! Well my eyelids are drooping..

Better days

Well my last blog was quite explosive.. LOL.. I have calmed down since then. Isaiah is doing much better. I am praying that this new mix of meds is going to keep working. Not to mention the amount of prayer that is going on for Isaiah. He's some what subdued, due to the meds, they make him sleepy, usually that passes within a couple of weeks. And honestly, I can deal w/ a sleepy little boy than an angry raging one. It's that time of summer where I am starting to feel impatient, crabby and restless. I wish I could go on vacation. We are going to the Dells next weekend for Darnell's cousin's wedding, which will be nice. But I want to get on a plane and go somewhere, lol..
Yesterday Darnell sent me a message on Facebook that said" Just wanted you to know that I am sooooo in love with you".. it totally made my day. He really is awesome. I told him the other day I need some pampering, haha. That's what my counselor seriously told me though.. in all seriousness..because of all the crap I deal w/ from Isaiah( which isn't his fault that he acts that way, I just happened to be the one on the receiving end of it) I need some pampering. Music to my ears..haha...Darnell is really great about giving me time and space when I need it. I wish I could hire someone to come and completely clean our pool.. we've had such a hard time keeping it clean this year, mostly due to the crap weather. I seriously still want to move out of WI. Mainly due to the weather, plus a change of scenery...maybe I just think that if we move I can escape some of the crap that seems to follow me..however I know all too well that Isaiah's issues aren't going anywhere..but if I have to deal with it, at least I could deal w/ it in a better climate, LOL...well that's all I got right now.. I feel kinda crappy today. I have a headache.. a ton of stuff to do around the house...

All Saints Royally sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~CAUTION~ just a forwarning.. I am highly ticked off and fired up.. these are my random thoughs that need to come out someplace, so this is it. Please, if you read this, don't be offended if some questionable language spews forth.. lol
So... we decided to bring Isaiah to the ER.. this week has been hell. I literally have bruises EVERYONE from him, He even got Darnell pretty good..Long story short.. his regular psych dr. said if things get too out of hand, go to the ER. So we did. The first nurse we dealt w/ was fabulous.. her son has almost the same issues, so she knew where we were coming from. At one point they were holding a bed for Isaiah at St. Lukes, WELL...the psychologist(whom I overheard as I walke past the little room"he's only 5, he's only 5".. blah blah blah.. get over how old he is and look at the facts. Jeez..so anyways she comes in to tell me Isaiah doesn't fit the criteria to be admitted. I said well whos' criteria.. well she then tells me it's partially hers and then the insurance..well at that point she hadn't even contacted the insurance company. Well I ripped her a new one. I said what exactly does he need to do to fit your freaking criteria? Oh and she says you can call Dr. callaghan on Monday..well what the Hell.. what am I supposed to do over the weekend, Callagahn said if things get out of hand take him to the ER..that's what I did. I just want SOMEONE on God's green earth to help my son.. Then I asked if there was someone about this psychologist.. well apparently it was the Physicans assistant.. I said, seriously, point blank to this nurse" well does he have the balls to stand up to this high and might pscyhologist?" her response was.. Oh I don't want to get in the middle of it. Well then a DR finally stepped in, actually listened to me and made this chick put the insurance info thru the system Which of course was denied, which I have NO DOUBT that this woman, who clearly thinks she's God, was bound and determined that Isaiah would not be getting admitted was the one who submitted all the info. Well she can make anything sound good, bad or in between. The other times we've brought him there, we didn't have a problem at all. I told her do you want him climbing the walls or what? Her response was" well that not really her nor there" Well the hell it isn't, it most definately is. Does the house need to burn down, do we need to come in completely batter? WTF??So.. despite all the arguing I did, the NICE dr. stopped me before I left to let me know he'd be there all weekend if we ended up back there. He was the good guy for the night.. I still HATE all saints.. I work my ass off to try and get my son help and get NO WHERE!!! Im tired of this shit. I'm tired of being beat up every day.. tired of people just not getting it, telling me he just needs this or that or whatever their cure is..Does anyone out there get that yes, Isaiah is only 5, will be 6 in 3 weeks, but has some SERIOUS mental health issues? It is possbile. People would just rather believe that either A) I just dont' discipline him enough, B) he's spoiled or C) he needs to detox and never ever eat sugar ever again. That idea is a valid point, but at this stage in the game, not gonna happen. My other kids are witnessing all of this, watching thier "little" brother basically bet the shit out of me.. NOt COOL! I'll be the first to admit, if we don't get some relief soon, I may be the one in the psych unit. haha.. so there you have it I guess.. I'm sick to death of all this, I can't make it better for anyone.. I am worn out to the point of no return I think..My 3 other kids are putting up w/ soo more than they should have to or that I ever wanted them to have to deal with..Although I have faith in God, I just don't understand.honestly and truly. I just don't get it..but it is what it is.. so I'm going to try and sleep.. lol.. i'm SOOOOOO tired...I want croissants in the a.m... bad... all this crap makes me want the 2 things I basically could live off of, Starbucks and O & H croissants.. LOl.. how sad am I? good night...if you can call it that