zumba!!

I exercised 2 days in a row! yesterday me and the boys went for long walk, we ran up and down a set of 50 stairs..I made it up and down 4 times.. felt like i was going to pass out when i was done, lol..Today I went to zumba right down at the beach. I made ( my kids words) the best dinner EVEr tonight. Plus today I got a bunch of paper work taken care of. feels good.

So, I know I am always so sappy and mushy about Darnell. However, he really deserves it. This morning he left me a sweet message on my facebook wall. Then after work, he came home and w/ the girls, listened to Miley Cyrus and cleaned the kitchen completely! He said they were singing and cleaning, lol.. I went to barnes and Noble to chill. Darnell needs to teach classes on how to be a fabulous dad and husband. He is soo patient w/ me, w/ my issues, lol...I just am so blessed.
I was reading the book " The Bipolar child"...well if that didn't confirm Isaiah's diagnosis, nothing will. So much of what I read is Isaiah to a T. right down to him obsessing about being bored. Even that was in the book!!! I feel validated. It also said it's soooo typical for families that deal w/ this to sort of suffer in silence b/c most bipolar kids save all their rage and crazy behavior for home. It's the most comfortable place for them to let out their emotions. So when someone says, oh he's so cute and nice...etc... well I want to say that's all wonderful, but right before we got here he tried to take me out w/ a remote control b/c he chucked it across the room. I absolutely feel so good knowing that isaiah's diagnosis is correct. Dealing w/ it is a differnt issue entirely.. but for now, just knowing more about it helps. well I am done for the day.. zumba wore me out, lol...

Depression

Have you seen the commerical about depression meds that says " depression hurts" well it's true..It hinders so much of your life. So many people can say well just cheer up or snap out of it, well if it were that easy don't you think I would do that? I mean really... would I choose to be depressed, not have any energy, not want to go anywhere or do anything? I hate having things to do, places to go and I literally can NOT make myself go. And what the heck do you say to someone, oh well I'm depressed, I can't go? Then all that ends up happening is you turn into the unreliable person who shows up for some things, and not others. It's not because you liked one event over anohter, it's how you woke up and felt that day...I've listened to Joyce Meyers for years and she always says don't let your feelings/emotions dicate your actions. Beleive me, this is not what depression is. I just want to cry sometimes because I feel like I'm letting my family down, letting friends down because I am so stuck, i guess is the best word. I am doing my best to manage this. There are just some days I feel like I just want to be forgotten. Does that make sense? Just so I can be...be without constantly having someone need me. And of course I get it, I am a mother of 4 kids, I chose this, I wouldnt' change it, but dealing w/ depression puts a kink in things, a lot!!! When Darnell's home, he's does so much. He is an awesome support. I feel bad for him, having to deal w/ me, lol...I will say, I won't quit trying to feel better, to get better.

Nice Sunday

Today was a good day! Last night the girls had their friends sleep over. Isaiah slept till 11 a.m.!! Nice! I made chocolate ganache cupcakes. They were good. My mom said I am back to my old self. Savannah is in the bathtub pretending she is a mermaid. Haley told me to write that, haha. But when my iron was so low and I was sick I didn't bake at all. My mom always says I am like my grandma, she was a really good cook/baker. When I bake and cook I feel close to my grandma. Plus I love cooking and baking for my family. Being a wife and mom can be draining yet so rewarding all in the same breath. Today Jeremiah and Isaiah went to my mom's and did yard work. Jeremiah is like an inch and a half taller than my aunt sheila. She wasn't too happy about that, hehe... Darnell's mom bought Jeremiah's school shoes and he had to get a size 12 in mens! OMG!! he's gonna be tall like his daddy! I went to get the boys from my mom's house and when we got home Darnell was home from work and he had done the dishes from my mess I made from making cupcakes! He really is awesome. I absolutely love him so much!!! He works hard for us, he helps me at home, he doesn't complain. I am the big complainer, lol.. gotta work on that. Darnell is generally a very positive person, and I need to be more like that. Tomorrow morning, I do NOT have to get up and take anyone anywhere!!! for 2 whole weeks, I don't have to do any major running around!!! I really want to enjoy the last 2 weeks of summer. Hopefully it won't get so blasted hot again. On Labor day weekend my dad will be here!! I can't wait to see him. Plus I'll be getting together w/ my brothers and their families. It's so crazy that I will meet them, meet my nieces and nephews! Since Jeremiah was born everyone has said how much J looks like Darnell, now we see such similarities from my dad's side of the family. Who woulda thought? I have to say, my babies are gorgeous! No matter how old they are, they'll always be my babies. No matter how ornery I get, how crabby, at the end of the day, my kids and Darnell are my world.

Blessings!!!

In the last week, God has provided in some incredible ways! It seems as if things are coming together! I am completely humbled by how God provides and who he uses to bless people. My girls are at camp and having a blast I am sure! Darnell got his raise, he got some overtime too. School starts soon, woo-hoo! Isaiah is on new meds and man is it hard on him. He had a rough morning. It was like a flash back of last summer. I am hoping the rest of the week goes better. Life is unpredictable w/ him. I have this book on how to deal w/ difficult kids. To even admit that you have a difficult child is hard. And, even harder to realize I will always have a difficult child unless something changes drastically. The saying" One day at a time" takes on a whole new meaning.
I watched a documentary on the homeless that live in Orange County, CA. Very very sad. These families that live like a block away from Disney land but live in a hotel room. Whole families living in a one room place. The kids have nothing to look forward to, they have so many life experiences that are so sad. Makes me very appreciative for my family and what we have!!

Humbling

So today I am laying in bed praying for groceries. Literally thinking about my bare fridge and freezer and cupboards.. trying to figure out how we are going to pay bills, buy groceries, gas, etc.. Isaiah walks in my room w/ a huge squash and cucumber from our neighbors garden. To me, that was complete confirmation that God will provide. I am pretty open about my life but to admit that we dont have hardly any groceries is even hard for me to publisize. But it's the truth. Everything is on Empty. Even the van. But I feel like sharing this will help someone. I don't know who, but I will tell you what, when people open up, and you share your struggles you find that so many are in the same boat but you also can be a support to each other. Darnell works dang hard and it's frustrating when everything is so expensive and it's hard to make ends meet. We don't qualify for any kind of help so even though we are in a rough spot, I know God will provide. He always does. It's humbling, it's scary, but this is life. Our list of things we literally need is endless, but if I focus on that alone, I'll be in a very dark place! I choose to trust in God, my provider. It's not always easy but it is necessary. When I share so much on facebook, on my blog, it's not because I just love to spill it all for the whole world. Part of it is, that's just how I am. But I also believe that I am not the only feeling the way I do, going thru these struggles..if we are going to go thru them, why not at least go thru it together.

A fly on the wall...

I Wish I could be a fly on the wall in other people's houses. Not in a creepy kind of way, but to see other people's reality.. I see people, our friends, church friends, family who seem to have it together. Like they don't thave that nagging worry in the back of their mind about bills, family situations, etc... It would be nice to see not that someone else's struggle, but that I'm not the only one. I guess that is part of the reason I am so transparent. I don't hold too much back. Obviously, or I wouldn't have this blog! We struggle, it seems as if we have always struggled finacially. And it's sort of a taboo thing to really talk about. We have been extremely blessed in so many ways by so many people. sometimes I am sorta scared to even ask God for another miracle or what have you.. like I met my quota. However I know God will meet our needs. I know so many people are worse off and I pray for them as well. In spite of all we have gone through, I am still amazed that we are blessed in so many ways. Today, I am going to focus on what God has done for us and that he promises to meet our needs.
The kids go back to school in a month! Whoo-hoo!! lol.. I am hoping we can get Jeremiah into the Real School w/ Haley. we'll see!

complaining.....

I feel blah. I started a new medication and I think the change is catching up to me. I feel so unmotivated and icky. To have depression can be so hard. It's not something everyone understands. How do I describe that I feel basically like crap. like I don't want to be around anyone, I don't have the energy to do anything, and it seems like I constantly have a headache. I feel like a big whiner.
On a positive note, we got an old fashioned push mower today. Pretty cool. My dad will be here on Sunday. Isaiah's done w/ summer school. I had a rough week w/ him. I think that may be part of why I feel the way I feel. He goes to the Dr. this week. His meds have been tweaked, but I don't think enough. Some days I just feel so unequipped to handle this. I feel weak and emotional. I know and have heard a million times that I need to be positive and that whole speech, well it's real hard to feel that way when I already fight depression as it is. I already feel like I am not a good mom, or that I am not doing all the right things. Oh whatever, I need to just shut up for now.