WARNING!!! I am venting... read at your own risk.

Warning.. I am venting. I will NOT apologize for what I blog about, especially not today. So if you are going to have a problem with what I write, stop reading now. 

Life has been hard. big shocker. when isn't it, for anyone? 
lately it has been one thing after another. as a mom..watching your kids go through crap is about as bad as it gets. 
Isaiah is not in a good place. We can hardly get him to school. When he's there, he does little to no work b/c he won't cooperate. 
not because he's this defiant child who just doesn't want to. 
not because he's a menace.
because he suffers from bi-polar disorder as well as asperger's. And I don't know what other mental disorders that go along with these things.
Anxiety is what is ruling his world right now.
what would YOU do if your 9yr old was so overwhelmed by anxiety that he can barely walk out the door to get on the bus? 
When he gets to school the teacher has to coax him off the bus? 
I could go on and on. Anxiety is real. It sucks. It sucks a little bit more when your 9 yr old is suffering from it. The way is presents itself is through anger, frustration etc...
Medicine helps but by no means makes a big enough difference. 
So now.. we have to decide on a daily basis whether or not to send him to school based on the facts.. will he be able to make it to school and not hurt himself or someone else? 
His special ED teacher is an ANGEL FROM HEAVEN! She's awesome! 
She gets him. thank GOD. 
We're having an IEP meeting to decide the next step. when he was younger and all this happened we had to keep him home from school and a teacher came out to the house a few times a week. That worked wonders for Isaiah.
Somethings gotta give. He can't go on like this. 
I can't. Our family can't. 
I'm drained. So drained and heartbroken for my boy. 
I am trying my best to find help for him.. I am hoping to find something for him to do in the summer. 
I'm overwhelmed. I've dealt with my own anxiety lately.. all this is just too much sometimes. well all the time. 
Just when I thought Haley was over the spasms for awhile.. they started again Saturday night. Hit her like a Mack truck. Seeing her in pain, cry so hard.. is heart wrenching. She doesn't understand why. She's dealing with physical pain and emotional pain. She wants to know why she has to deal with this. 
When she was a baby and would have pain.. I had a bit of comfort knowing she wouldn't remember any of it. 
she's feeling all of this and remembering it and realizing that this is just part of her life. 
Now how the hell do help her feel better? yes I pray for her, with her.. however seeing her go through this is so hard. It's harder than I ever thought it would be. 

so much to deal with. I also am a mother to 2 children that don't have any major issues and I feel like they are getting less of me.. I'm so consumed with all these feelings of guilt and fear and I just don't know what to do with it all.

Yes I trust God. yes I know he's here. however right now I am not feeling it. And yes I know it's not about how I feel. I've heard it before. I have said it before to other people. 
This is just me being real. as real as it gets. vulnerable.. honest.. and letting it all out. 
like it or not.. this is where I am at. 

Blogging, cleaning, organizing, cooking..kids..oh my!

My life has been consumed by Pinterest lately. But it's paying off! 
I have re-organized about 3/4 of our house! We have limited storage space and a weird layout so we have to use our space wisely. Before I was introduced to the world of organizing the way Pinterest portrays it, I was too overwhelmed! Well my friends, I am now well on my way to being organized! 
Step 1~ PURGE PURGE PURGE! 
....let me say that part is my favorite. Getting rid of crap we don't need and throwing stuff out is fun for me. 

I have spent many hours figuring out what will work best in each room, how to use the space wisely. It's working out well. 

With all the purging then comes cleaning. And as I was cruising through different blogs, I found many that gave recipes for homemade cleaning products. My friend Amanda has also been an inspiration. 
COOKING! my family especially likes this part. I am finding tons of recipes. With the couponing I have been doing, I have also started making meal plans so that we can save as much as we can on groceries. Before we were coming up with things on the fly, Darnell did the grocery shopping but was stopping at the store a couple times a week. NO GOOD! 
We save money alone by making less trips to the store! And now that I have a Kitchen command center on my fridge 

This is what it looked like, I am tweaking it as I go... but now the kids know what is on the menu for the week. I have to add some things but I think this is a good start. 
One website that I really LOVE is abowlfulloflemons.net

It has given me many ideas and inspired me to do things differently. 
As I said in my previous blog post, I am trying to save money save space.. be efficient in all things. Some days I'm overwhelmed by it all..but it actually gives me a new purpose in this whole stay at home mom gig. :)

Dealing with a lot of issues with Isaiah. Prayers would be appreciated!!! 

a pic of my small pantry.. a WIP (work in progress)

and a Pic from my front porch the other morning...

Spring Cleaning??

It's been awhile since I've blogged.....I've been busy! 
Busy with what? 
Well besides the obvious..hubby, 4 kids, a dog, house..and everything in between.. I have been doing some spring cleaning. I should rephrase that. Winter cleaning in the spring. Since it's still is winter here in WI. 
I have been a Pinterest addict! Anything and everything that has to do with organizing and such has been on my mind! 
I also have bought and used some homemade cleaning products!!
Can I just say vinegar STINKS but man it sure can clean your bathtub like nobody's business!!!!  Just mix blue dawn and vinegar in a squirt bottle and BAM you've got your own chemical free cleanser!! 
You just have to be able to stomach the smell!!  It's worth it though. I am considering making my own laundry detergent. I haven't fully committed to it yet. 
It's economical and better for the environment. 
But I must say, I am a Tide and Downy snob. I love the smell and the way it makes the laundry feel. If I have to do a million loads, it at least has to smell great. 
Plus with the couponing I've been doing, I'm getting some fantastic deals on laundry soap, downy sheets and downy unstoppables. Aren't these life changing things to blog about???

I guess shifting my focus to all of that has helped me deal with the latest issues with Isaiah. He's gone through a lot as far as med changes, issues at school etc... 
I can't fix it. So when I know things are calm... I tune it all out. 
-Probably not the best way to handle it but it's working right now. Couponing, cleaning, organizing... it's all constructive. Knitting too..I was on a good roll with selling my ruffle scarves, I am praying that I can keep selling them. The extra money is helpful. In all my efforts I am trying to save us money. With making our own cleaning supplies and couponing and selling scarves.. I'm trying. As I said, it also serves as a way to tune things out. 
Well I guess that's all for today! I'm attaching some pics of scarves that are for sale, let me know if you are interested! 

Time's are tough...

Well it's been awhile since I last blogged. I've been doing a LOT of knitting and obsessing over coupons, lol. I got a binder to hold and organize all my coupons. I am doing a pretty decent job saving some $$. For example, at Target on Friday, I bought 3 boxes of Bounce dryers sheets, (34 count) for .15 cents all together. Not too shabby. 

In other news, it's been a rough few months. Isaiah's issues have gotten worse. Getting him to go to school is darn near impossible. The princple's are calling me, he's giving the special ed teacher a hard time, the bus driver. Last week he had an episode like he used to and I thought he'd break his hand he was banging it on the floor so hard. It's like 2009 all over again. For those that don't know what that means, 2009 was close to one of the worst years so far. At this point I'm overwhelmed, sad, tired and just at a loss as to what to do next. I never know what to expect. I can't get through a day with him w/o having issues (big issues) over the most small things. Everything is hard. This just wipes him out, wipes me out and the rest of the family. I am trusting God but I won't lie when I say I'm barely hanging on. 
Haley had a really bad UTI and we brought her to the Children's ER a few weeks ago. The only med that would ease the pain she was in was toradol through an IV. These infections are hitting her hard and taking her breath away. I don't know how to watch my daughter deal w/ this kind of pain and not have any way of taking it away. She said to me" I'm scared in the morning that I'll have spasms at school" and that she's tired of having to deal with all of it. This is EXACTLY what I knew would come out of her mouth some day. It was inevitable and now that it's here, I still can't do anything about it. she handles it well but she is only human and she can only take so much too. 
so right now, I am feeling like I need to raise the "I surrender flag"... I'm stressed, I feel so.... i don't even know. I just know that we need a break. This much stress is taking it's toll. 

Dear Mommy and Daddy.....

what I think Haley would have wrote to us when she was born.. Dear Mommy and Daddy. . . . I know I may not be what you probably dreamed of, hoped for or expected. I can only imagine the emotions you must be feeling- guilt, fear, confusion, and joy all mixed up together, as I entered this world and was whisked away just as fast. You probably have a million questions buzzing in your head- What?, How?, and Why>-just to name a few, but don't let that get in the way of you seeing me as perfect, because I am, despite the body I was born with. My body is not me. My condition is not who I am and even though in the coming weeks and months and years, you will be infused with a lot of terminology, medical diagnosis, care plans, and surgical options, please don't forget that inside my body, there is a heart and a soul that needs to know that you love me just the way I am. In order to be healthy and strong, it will be in my best interest for you to try and fix my body. I know this and I am grateful for that gift. Some of my treatments may be painful and it will be very difficult for you to stand by and watch me go through these experiences, but please try not to worry too much about that part because I am resilient and I will make it through and come to understand why these treatments were necessary. But, along the way, please don't allow the professionals involved in my care to reduce me to an object, a case study or a subject for a paper. Please don't let me be treated as an anomaly, a statistic or a freak of nature because I am not any of these things. If you believe in God, then you already know that nothing in life is a mistake. If this were to happen, I may have long lasting scars that are not visible, but they will stay with me for the rest of my life, As an infant, I will not be able to tell you how I feel. I can only cry when I'm in pain; smile when I am happy and will learn a little more about the world each day and either grow to trust it or learn that it is a scary place. My needs may be overwhelming, but I will give back ten fold, in ways that you may never know. I know how tiring, how stressful, how agonizing it must all be for you and I appreciate every sacrifice you have made and will have to make in the years ahead. No doubt, you will be offered many opinions on what you may expect from me in the future- the things I may be able to do, but more likely, the things I may never be able to do. Take these opinions with a grain of salt. Just believe in me and I will surpass every limitation that others have imposed upon me. Encourage me, but please don't treat me differently because I am not any different in the ways that really matter. As I begin to grow older, the physical differences between me and others will become more clear and it will be at that time, that I will need you more than ever, to remind me of what I just said- that I am the same as anyone else and should never feel any shame in the body I was given At some point, I will have questions- some may make you uncomfortable or embarrassed, but please try your best to either answer them for me or find someone who can. It is important for me to fully understand how my body works and the care I need to take in order that I live a healthy and fulfilled life. I deserve to have everything everyone else does, but may need more guidance in getting those things than others might- Please be patient with me as I search and try to determine and understand what those wants and needs are. I may even be too shy or embarrassed to bring certain things up to you, and if this happens, I will need you to anticipate my questions and let me know you're always there for me, no matter what. I can't promise it will all be easy and for this I am sorry, but I just want the opportunity to grow into the person I was meant to be and with your love, support and protection, I know I will. I love you both.

A Few of my favorite things....

Here are a few of my favorite things...........



                                                       Starbucks...of course
          my iPad ......
            FaceBOok
          Rainy days
            cuddling
           YouTube tutorials 
          sleeping in 
               napping
             knitting
            eating
          rEaDinG OlD bOoKs
               sNoW DayS 
             CoFFeE DaTEs 
          CuDdLiNg mY kIdS 
                mY dOg JaCk
              BLOGGING !!!!!

My latest scarf!!! I will be ordering new colors... Packer colors, Wisconsin Badger colors, Milwaukee Brewers, Bears Colors..If anyone is interested please let me know!!! I am more than willing to make you a scarf and sell it at  a great price!!!! They make great gifts or are wonderful to wear and show your support for your favorite team in a fashionable way!!!!! 

FREEZING!!!!!!

HOLY BALLS it's cold outside. Right now it is -1 and feels like -20 degrees. That is just horrid! No snow just freezing cold. This time last year we were getting ready for our Disney World trip. I SOOO wish we were going again this year. Looking back we had such a fabulous time. I still have so many pictures I need to get developed and framed etc.. I'm so thankful that we had the opportunity to go. There has not been a week gone by that one of my kids have not talked about our trip. And i'm not exaggerating. It truly was a trip of a lifetime. We really are planning on going again, it just won't be anytime soon. Those memories will last a lifetime. I love how Darnell was so excited to go. lol. Neither one of us went on a real vacation like that when we were kids so it was exciting to give that to our kids. 

I sold my first scarf tonight! I'm so excited. I love making them and if I can sell a few that just makes it even better! I think I'm a little addicted to knitting/crocheting. I watch Youtube tutorials, go to yarn websites and am constantly looking at Knitting/crocheting stuff on pinterest. It's a hobby that I love. I am looking forward at learning more techniques and figuring out how to make more things!  

I need to get myself into a better routine. One that involves exercise. How does one make themselves a morning person? I seriously need to become one. So that way I can wake up early enough to get a good workout in and be done w/ it. When I workout I feel good. The ripple effect obviously is great. I just need to get moving, literally. 

Tomorrow I'm bringing Haley to see Dr. Balcom. She's having an ultrasound first then her appointment. I'm pretty sure they'll schedule her to have a cystocopy. I am pretty sure I spelled that wrong too. She's had her bladder scoped so many times. It's a new phase for us. When she was little things were so different when she had issues b/c of bladder exstrophy.  Now that she's older, she's aware of what's going on. It will affect her emotionally and mentally. When she was little it did to some extent but she doesn't remember so much of it. Now she will remember it. She will remember it all this time. That part makes me sad. I guess it is kind of selfish, but I remember all of what she went thru, that's hard enough for me. I can't imagine what she will feel like when she goes through stuff and has to deal with the pain and emotions of it all. I do realize God is going to give her what she needs, more than I can of course. I take great comfort in knowing that God is with us. I don't pretend to understand it all. Nor do I pretend to like it all. I do choose to trust God. I choose to believe that God has a plan and even if I do not know what it is, I know he is with us. 

I should go to bed. We need to leave by 8 a.m. Darnell isn't going w/ me for this appointment. We thought it would be better for him to wait and take a day off when Haley has the scope. My mom is going with though. So.. I'll update tomorrow night!