Well life is slowly changing here in the Hoaglund household. As I am dealing w/ this what I finally am calling it what it is... severe depression..I am realizing that I have a long way to go! Last week I began the beginning of my path to becoming a real survivor instead of victim. I started therapy. The real deal w/ a real Dr. We also are going to therapy for Isaiah.
He has seen that Dr. once, which ironically was an evening that he was raging...but right now Darnell and I are seeing the Dr and pretty much brainstorming and well, trying to figure out how to deal w/ Isaiah in the best way we can that will help Isaiah and help us. So lots of therapy going on over here. Some people don't want the world to know when they are seeing a "shrink" but for me, it's almost a must to let people know because I need to be held accountable. Because of this ugly depression I deal with~ I honestly would rather stay in bed and not have to go anywhere. I have a hard time, a lot of the time, going to appointments, going anywhere really. It's just easier to stay where I am comfortable. But I know there's so much more out there. God has a plan for me and I know that I need to fight for this.
I want to get better not only for myself, but for my husband and kids. I am NO where near the kind of wife or mom I want to be for them. I realize that. So..I'm fighting. I know some days are going to be better than other. I also am dealing w/ this weight I have gained which weighs heavily on me( no pun intended, lol) I am working on me. Not easy, not fun. but worth it. I am worth it. I have to keep telling myself that. And if that is enough some days, my husband and kids are.
Spring is here! Thank GOD! We didn't have much of a winter and I am so ok with that. I have been thinking a lot about my blog and what I write and I am beginning to realize that I share a lot of how crappy I feel. So, today despite how I feel I will share some of the random things that are GOOD!
Isaiah's IEP went well. his progress is awesome. If you compare where he is now to where he was 2 years ago, it's astounding. I'm so proud of him. He is making so much great head way. We now have 2 teenagers in the house. We always talked about this and I have to say, my teenagers are exceptions to the rule. We don't deal with the typical teenage crap from them. Savannah is 11 1/2 and taller than Haley. They are babysitting and loving life. All of my fears I had for Haley have been eased. She still faces different trials, bladder exstrophy doesn't go away. However right now she is doing fabulous and seeing how well adjusted she is does my heart good. Dealing w/ Isaiah's issues does tend to get overwhelming at times, but we are seeing a new therapist and I am hoping to learn some new techniques on how to handle his behavior. Jeremiah Haley and Savannah have become such awesome siblings to him, I truly believe it will make them more empathic people. The days that they play well together and laugh and giggle and still have "sleepovers" in the living room are days I can't take for granted. Especially in light of my depression issues I absolutely need to focus on these things.
I love the relationship Darnell has w/ our kids. I've said it before and they just are getting the cream of the crop as far as daddy's go. No matter how tired he is, he still will play a video game w/ jeremiah, they will talk at night about sports and guy stuff. he connects w/ the girls, this pre-teen/teenage stuff has not gotten in the way of them bonding w/ him. And I love how Darnell connects w/ Isaiah..he absolutely does a fabulous job. I feel blessed to be a part of my family.
And I think the thing that I really am most thankful for is my family accepting me when I am not at my best, when my emotions are running high, or when the migraines I get really get out of hand. They pull together and are here for me. And for the first time I will say "publicly" I am there for them. I can't be perfect, I can't be all things to everyone, but I am giving everything I can. I pray that God fills in the gap. well let me rephrase, I am thankful that God does fill in the gap.
I pray that as we begin the spring season God will lift my mood and continue to help me dwell on the things he has blessed me with.
I'm getting close to my 35th bday and with that being said, I find that what I think and how I feel need to have their places. Some of that comes out in my blog and some doesn't. Lord knows I've dealt with enough adversity especially in the last year and I feel like I'm getting this "fighting" spirit rise up in me. Not all the time, but when I think of things in my life that I want to change ~ I just am ready for it. I have a lot of emotion that gets in the way and that's something I have to fight thru as well. I just know that God has more for me, my family and I am excited to see what it is. And I'm going to fight for it which I guess sounds funny but I will. I know some days are better than others but I do believe I am on my way!
Well I don't think it's a big secret that I deal w/ anxiety and depression. Lately it has really had a hold on me. The least little things are stressing me out, making me on edge and well just making me feel horrible. I have a few appointments this month and I am already feeling the anxiety of having to go to them. Why? I don't know. That's the hardest part. Explaining WHY I feel anxious about simple and ordinary things is darn near impossible. It sucks. It literally feels like someone is sucking the life out of me. I am the mother of 4 kids, one that has special needs and I NEED to be on top of what's going on w/ him. I am but I know that I could be doing so much more!!!
To want to do things and then with everything in me feel like I just CAN'T is the most horrible, indescribable feeling.
Then when I am feeling good, my mind races with all the things I am missing out on, all the things I want to do since I am feeling good at the moment. Of course that moment is ALWAYS at night. So by the morning, the worst part of the day for me those good feelings are long gone and replaced by feelings of anxiety and fear.
I just am worn out from the war that rages within me. The feelings of guilt for not being the mom/wife I want to be or think I should be.
I see other moms and just wish I could have it "together" like I think they do. Why is it so hard for me to do the things that I used to do and want to do? I am fighting the tears as I type because I am just so sick of crying and fighting this.
I feel like a failure at just about everything, I realize this is not true but my mind tells me something different.
I am not writing this to write a sad story~ this is just where I am at right now. I have faith and I pray and I just still feel lost.
It's 12:36 a.m. Seriously, how am I EVER going to sleep normal? I'm convinced it's not going to happen. I slept all day. D was off and I just slept the whole dang day away. I am PATIENTLY waiting for some energy to flow thru my veins via the huge horse pills of Iron I take 3 times a day. They are all natural and need to start kicking things up a notch here pretty quick.
I am so glad we went to Disney World. I am not so happy it took all of our tax return, however it was worth every single penny. I look back at the pictures and if I printed and framed every picture that is special, well my walls would be full. As a family, it was such a great time. And to go there w/ great friends, made it even better. D already has started saving for our next trip! We have those huge water jugs and we are doing our best to make sure every single penny,dime, nickel and quarter make it in there!
Things w/ isaiah have been rough. It's time for some intense therapy I think. He may not like it, but I just can't sit back and watch him get worse. I don't know how he'll react, so I am just praying for a therapist that really can help him and us.
Jeremiah has started weight training. His homeroom teacher is a football coach and asked him if he played football last year and he said no, well he got him started in weight training and he's going to play football this fall. I'm excited! It's going to be fun to see him play and I think really build his confidence. I need to find something for Isaiah too....not sure what though. To get all 4 kids involved w/ something, oh LORD, help me.
I am ready for a change. I know that people say that we have to do something to start the change, but how exactly does one do that when you are stuck in depression? Where do you start? I honestly need the Lord to guide me, show me, help me. I want to change, I want certain things to change and I just have a hard time seeing it come to fruition. I guess God is going to have to take the lead..
We are back from Walt Disney World. It truly is a magical place! We had a wonderful time and made lifetime memories. It was nice to come home, well sorta..haha. I DO NOT enjoy coming home to the weather. That is obviously no secret! The weather was gorgeous the whole time we were there. I could get used to that!
I got a call from my dr.'s office while we there and I had had blood work before we left, well it turns out that my iron is so low that if it goes any lower I'll need a blood transfusion. I knew it was low, but not that low. It explains why physically I have felt HORRIBLE for the last few months. I have had NO energy or motivation to do anything. I deal w/ a lot of feelings of guilt because Darnell does so much around the house. He is quick to remind me that it is not because I am just being lazy or refusing not to do anything. I physically can't. I got a prescription for iron pills, but am considering getting some more natural iron pills. Something that won't tear my stomach up and all that. I am glad to know why I feel so crappy!
Seeing the kids faces, hearing their laughter and excitement was priceless. I had a bit of a hard time keeping up, but Darnell was full of energy and made sure the kids got to do just about everything they wanted to do. I think we would need to stay a lot longer than a week for all 4 of them to hit every attraction. But we sure made a good dent in it! This trip was such a blessing. My mom was able to come w/ and share in the fun and memories. It's a trip we NEVER thought would happen for our family yet God had a different plan. It just goes to show that God does give you the desires of your heart. He is not just in the business of bailing us out of trouble or that kind of thing.
My next goal is to lose this weight I have gained the last few months. Which right now seems like quite the mountain to climb seeings as I have the energy level of a rock. However, I fully believe as the iron pills start to work, I will regain some energy be able to focus on losing some weight!
