Sunday, January 12, 2014

Dreams

I woke up about a half hour ago and this is the 3rd morning I woke having had weird dreams. The ones that resinate with you for awhile. Today I woke up with the song " My God, will never give up, never give up on me..." by Hillsong ( I'm pretty sure) 
The other part of the dream was that I was with people, some I knew some I didn't. I was talking, shouting, trying to say SOMETHING and I just kept getting ignored. I feel that way a lot in real life.  It's not a statement I make so people will come to me and say " Melissa.. it's not like that at all"  It's a personal issue I guess. But it's how I feel. Darnell has a very big family. It can be intimidating at times. In my house we have 6 people and now that the kids are older it's as loud as it was 10  years ago when Isaiah was born and I had a baby crying, 2 toddlers that could scream like no body's business and 7 yr old that was.. well 7. It was noisy and loud then. It's noisy and loud now. Only now, it's mom, I need this. Mom, where is my...'blah blah blah" you get it. 
I feel like I get lost in it. We have so many "different" issues than most families. I have to take care of the details. I am ok with that. I am good at it. I feel confident taking care of Haley after surgery b/c I've done it so much. Even after Darnell had surgery, his wound care, the drain he had.. none of it freaked me out. Those things are my strengths. 
But being heard, having a voice..has never been part of who I am. It's frustrating. I've spent the better part of 10 years pratically screaming at Racine Unified to help Isaiah. In the school setting at least. I got no where. For awhile I was telling other people.. HEY THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG HERE!! WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME DAMN IT!!! 
screaming gets you no where. Believe me, I have tried.  So here I am with all that hanging in my head. But then that song.. "my God".... MY GOD will never give up on me. If people down here won't listen to me.. hear me, pay attention to what I have to say. MY GOD will. 

If you read my blog regularly please, if you feel comfortable, please comment or say hey. I don't know if I am reaching anyone. Is ANYONE reading this? Do I keep blogging or shut it down and just journal? If you read and you're a prayer warrior.. please pray for us. We got some oh so fabulous news that the insurance I thought would last at least through the end of the month ( because I got a letter saying it would! ) ended Jan.1. and with that means the co-payments of some meds I take are huge. And I didn't plan for that. The foodshare that I was counting on at least through this month didn't come through. Darnell took a few days off for Haley's surgery. Now we will be short with his check, no foodshare to help get the higher priced groceries ( I can coupon a LOT but the lower our cash flow is, It's hard trying to even buy enough newspapers on Sundays to GET the dang coupons) and I can't always coupon for meat and milk etc.. big families= lots of groceries. These things have been heavy on my heart. I don't share this b/c I want anything from anyone. I want prayer so I can be at rest and let God do what he needs to do however he's going to do it. I realize we're blessed in unimaginable ways compared to a lot of people. I'm just worn out. 
Worn out in a way I don't think I have ever been. So prayers would really be awesome. And say hey.. let me know "you" whoever you guys are that read this... thanks for reading. For listening to me go on and on. if you've been reading long enough you know I don't hold back especially on my blog. It all comes out here. Because I can let it all out. That's the beauty of blogs. If someone doesn't like the content click the box and leave. I don't take offense. Not everyone wants to read about me complaining, haha. I get it. So I can say what I want w/o the fear of feeling like I'm saying stuff that's going to offend someone. anyways.. I have to go see how my Haley baby is. Surgery went well, she came home yesterday ( Saturday)so far so good!