Friday, December 14, 2012

struggling, mad, heavy heart

Today started out as one of the hardest days I've had in a few years. Isaiah is having some issues lately and today was probably the hardest day for him. And for me. A few years ago when we were still going thru the process of getting him diagnosed etc.. we had countless mornings, days and evenings like this morning. It's one of the hardest things as a mom to watch. His anxiety is real. His feelings are real and he's a 9yr old little boy who just doesn't know what to do w/ all that. 
I will be VERY honest and say that today, I'm just mad at God. It's not the first time and i'm sure won't be the last. The questions that race thru my head are WHY? why must my son deal w/ this?!? So I get that everyone has their stuff, we all suffer etc.. but today, right NOW...I'm angry that I have to watch my son physically deal w/ anxiety. Pacing, wringing his hands, hitting things... you know it. God could have spared him from this. Every parent wants the best for their kids. I am just in a place that I'm so OVER watching my kids suffer. 
Darnell is awesome w/ Isaiah, he can talk him down and reason w/ him to some extent. I can't. I'm ok with that. I just wish I could make it better for Zaya. I have a heavy heart tonight. And of course today was a horrible day in our country.. all those kids that were killed in Connecticut. I can't imagine, can't fathom,can't wrap my brain around it. So in spite of all the feelings I have and even if I am angry w/ God right now, I pray God will be with those families. Tonight my babies are all safe, sleeping and alive. 
And for the record, being mad at God doesn't mean I have lost my faith or anything like that. In the bible it says that we can be angry at God.. a lot of people were. It's how we deal w/ it. I am admitting it. I'll get over it. Ultimately I know God is in control. I just don't understand it all. I don't like it. That's where the anger comes in. It just sucks. 
I've had 1 day off in 20 days and that was 2 weeks ago, and I have 10 more days before I'll have another day off. I'm tired. emotional...
all this change, all this working has been taking it's toll on Isaiah. I think that has something or a lot to do w/ why he's so out of whack. Our routine is not normal at all. That alone can really cause Isaiah's behavior to spin out of control. Any changes..this just happens to be a big one. Thankfully it's only for a little while longer. 
oh what a day....

Tuesday, December 11, 2012


Life in the Hoaglund home has been very different lately. Now that we are right in the middle of the holiday season, I'm working 10+ hrs a day and no day off until christmas Day! I'm not complaining but I won't lie and say it's not hard. I'm exhausted! This is a whole different lifestyle change for our family. Plus Jeremiah is working after school and obviously Darnell is working too. So having to be at work when I'm normally home for the kids takes some getting used to.  
Being a stay at home mom and now being a temporary working mom I'm seeing both sides of the coin.  When I'm at home I tend to fall into a funk.  I feel like, do I really need to stay home? I could be working etc.. well since I've been working Haley had a HORRID urinary tract infection and Isaiah's been having issues w/ school. So when normally having Haley stay home is no big deal for me, when I'm working, of course it's all different. Getting phone calls from Isaiah's teacher is dis-heartening because I can't deal w/ the issue right away.. it's a balancing act I'll tell ya!  Thankfully I have great support! Darnell does all he can to keep things rolling. He's used to working and being a parent, lol... 
I know when my kids are grown I won't regret having been a stay at home mom. Even though they are older I just don't like the idea of them always being home and Darnell and I both working. Not everyone can stay home or even wants to stay home. I have so much respect for working moms. My mom was a single working mom and I have so much respect for what she had to sacrifice to support us. 
I guess having 2 kids w/ special needs is what keeps me home. But it is also my hearts desire to be home. God has been faithful to us in so many ways. I look at my life, the people in it, and am thankful. 
I have to say, waking up early and all that jazz, well I am not feeling so thankful at those moments... in fact some choice "dirty words" just may be coming out of my mouth as I am sliding out of bed! Lord knows mornings are THE worst part for me. Thankfully it doesn't last. the day sure would suck if I felt all day the way I do when I first get up. My routine of getting up, getting Isaiah off to school and then going to get my Starbucks has worked pretty well. 

Oh and my son turned 16 on Thursday! got his drivers license on friday! How did THAT happen????!!! I just seriously feel like I blinked and he was this almost grown man. how does that happen??? Haley will be 14 next month... oh lord I could just go on about how I have a hard time letting go....ha! But I remind myself that just because they get older doesn't mean they still aren't my babies, they are just growing up but will always be where my heart is. 
So i've rambled a bit. Amanda, are you happy now? LOL... this wasn't all that interesting but anyway I need to go to bed. I pray I wake up feeling ready to start my day and not like I'm dragging! 

Thursday, November 29, 2012

What a week!

It's been quite a week and it's not even over. The radiator on our van blew the other day and we had it towed to Stu's.  Between that and the cable that controls the shifter that was about to snap it's going to cost about $600. It's a great thing that I'm working. Haley has had a killer UTI.  She made it through at school this week but this morning when she woke up her spasms were horrible. I kept her home. This is the hardest part about working. I hate having a sick child and having to call in. I don't want to let down Mary and not be there but I also don't want to leave my daughter, especially when she's dealing w/ so much pain. This is her 4th infection in 4 months. So today I am home w/ my girl. I'm getting caught up w/ stuff around the house and watching cheesy Christmas movies :)

Because on a regular basis I am a stay at home mom, I have a hard time balancing this working mom thing. I give moms that do this ALL the time a lot of credit.  Trying to make everyone happy is impossible. Putting your children first is a must. However keeping your position at your job is also important. I am one of those people that has a hard time making decisions for fear of upsetting someone. However today I had to put my Haley first. Her infections can be horrible. Watching her deal with such horrible spasms is terrible. I can't make it better. It's a reminder that she has to deal w/ this for the rest of her life. I hate that part. I am so happy that she deals with it as well as she does. As her mom I will always have a hard time watching her deal w/ all this. I don't think it will ever be easy. We've got a supportive family and most importantly a God that provides healing. I had originally prayed that Haley wouldn't deal w/ bladder exstrophy in the way most kids do. I wanted her to be the exception to the rule. However that was not the case. She has had a lot of surgery, a lot of infections and complications. I was angry at God for not healing Haley. Well I finally came to the conclusion that the healing I was praying for wasn't what God had for Haley. The plan he had for her has been far different than I thought.  But God's plan has brought us to a place of acceptance, strength and unshakeable faith. Haley deals w/ bladder exstrophy and will for the rest of her life.  But we've seen that God has made her strong and given us the ability to be here for her in every way possible.  

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Random thoughts on a Friday night

My mind is flooded with random thoughts from developing a plan of attack to get my laundry under control now that I am working to how I'm going to get the pain in my hip under control, I need to get the dog into the groomer, I need my hair cut, Savannah's getting her hair cut tomorrow, Haley will be next week, trying to keep Jeremiah's work schedule straight, making sure Darnell, Jeremiah and I have clean work clothes and the rest of the family have clothes for school.  See how random that is. Even gramatically I'm sure I just spelled that wrong and have a very long run on sentence in just the first paragraph! 
I thought I was organized.. WRONG. I am having a hard time adjusting I think. However it will work out, I'll get into a routine. Darnell and the kids always help me so much. I just need to get myself together! 
It's been kind of a rough week.. Isaiah's medicine, well one of them, wasn't refilled. Not because we don't have insurance or anything. All because of a form the Dr. needs to fill out and fax back to Walgreens and then they send it to the insurance company, problems solved. Well that didn't happen, then it was Thanksgiving and they were closed friday. So Isaiah's going on almost a week w/o the one medicine that keeps him the most balanced. I could just scream at someone for not doing their job and making sure this was taken care of. Apparently it's something that's done all the time.. I could go on and on. I'll spare you. bottom line is my boy is having one hell of a week and I hate it. I can't fix it. 
This is the part of parenting that is So freaking hard. I try my best to be on top of things, be educated etc.. but this kind of crap that's out of my hands.. UGH!!! 

Another thought I had today which I don't know how I came across this...who KNOWS??!? anyways.. I have come to the conclusion that I tend to be or feel socially awkward. Not in all situations but as I have been witnessing my lovely 12 year old daughter and her amazing ability to talk a million miles a minute and keep up a steady pace that she just may have gotten some of that from me. Yes,she is a Hoaglund, however there are some Wasik genes in this girl too. double whammy! So as I am witnessing her talk, and talk, and talk... I realize that i do the SAME thing. I go on and on.. I over explain things.. you get the idea. HOLY COW.. why didn't someone tell me? 
Well hold the phone... nevermind I'm glad no one did. this is the sort of thing one is better finding out on your own. less humiliation than what's already there. haha. So I am trying to think before I speak. Genius.. I know. 

So I'm working almost full time. I will be working full time and then some within the next week or two lasting thru the holidays. Financially this is great. For me this is a HUGE change of pace. before November, I spent the last 6 months or so sick and recovering from surgery. So I was a home-body. So i find myself thinking about the things I have to do and counting down to when I will be able to go home and stay there. But when I get home then the countdown begins of how long before I have to leave again. So weird. I guess it's just a period of adjustment and probably what will happen is I'll just be used to it all and the seasonal job will end and I'll be back to being a stay at home mom. It sure keeps things interesting, keeps me on my toes and honestly challenges me, forces me not to dwell on or in the depression that I deal w/ at times. 
For this season of life, life is crazy and fast paced all over the place. And I'm ok with that! 

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

do you ever think about who you are? I mean like really, who are you deep down? These are questions I have been asking myself lately. When I look back at my life will I be proud of the words that come out of my mouth, the actions I took or the attitude I had? Obviously we are human and make mistakes. But overall I would like to think that I will be not look back and be embarrassed. I am finding myself caring way to much about what other people think about me. I have to say that trips me up more than just about anything. Then I think that at the end of the day if I can stand before God and know that I did my best. At the end of the day if my husband and kids are happy with me, that is all that matters. They are the ones that I want to be proud of me and who I am. On a not so serious note, now that I am working I am getting used to working and having 4 kids and whatnot...OMG is it hard. I come home and am beat. Darnell of course has been awesome w/ this new transition for us. Mornings are difficult, as always. I do have my routine of going to get my Starbucks!
I have my weekly allowance if you will that is for my starbucks habit. That helps get me going in the morning! My picture of the hot air balloon represents my wish of sometimes wanting to float away form reality....but I'd miss my family too much :)

Tuesday, November 6, 2012


Can I rewind like 10 years or so? I feel so icky tonight. yes icky. We've had a lot of good going on and some not so good. I started working at O & H again for the holiday's. I like it. I feel like I am a part of the land of the living again. So that's good. Other things I am dealing with are just plain hard and unavoidable and uncomfortable. I want to cry and sleep rewind when my babies were all little and the world hadn't become real to them yet. Yet there are some days that I am AMAZED at the things my beautiful kids do and say and just who they are. I am afraid I might do something that messes that up. I try so hard to be who they need me to be. I look at the mistakes I've made in my life in general and just HATE it. I just doubt myself, who I am. I care too much about what people think. Darnell is SO opposite. He could care less about what other people think. How do I turn that off? I get it that not everyone will like me....I feel like I just FEEL too much. Can I just quit it already?!?
I had my tooth pulled last Wednesday which is fabulous really b/c it needed to happen. But I've had so much pain since that I think it's starting to get to me. 
I finished knitting my scarf. I love knitting and crocheting. It's calming and fun. I have noticed that my kids use the word "random" like we used to use the word "like" you know, like, like I really love Darnell, like so much I could marry really love him.. haha.. get the idea. Well I feel so RANDOM! what the hell is wrong w/ me! It's been 3 months since my surgery and my hormones are still all off kilter. So yay me, no more period. But yay me, still PMS and hormonal. jeez. 
I feel like I need a few days away just to let my brain bleed out all the crap. that sounds gross but it's the best analogy i can come up with. 
Our new series at church is about Soul Detox. That is what I need. DETOX my brain of all the of the things from my notes is that we need to speak life giving words!  I obviously have not done that in my blog. However that is my goal. I guess I needed to detox my brain and heart of the cluttered mess I was feeling. 
The MAJOR thing I took away for myself is this~
Very powerful stuff I'm telling ya! 
As I re-read what I have typed, I realize that I don't need to get away for a few days...I just need to put my big girl panties on and DEAL WITH IT. I can't run away. How does anything get better, get dealt with if you run away? However the idea is very enticing. I guess tonight I've got so much going through my mind it's all coming out very randomly. 
At the end of the day I know that I my intentions are never to make the mistakes I've made, that I want to be what my husband and kids need me to be. And finally, I need to be ok with me. I need to not believe all the toxic thoughts and words that run through my mind. 

Friday, November 2, 2012


It's November! I love November. It means Christmas is right around the corner! We have lots of changes going on in the Hoaglund home! Jeremiah started his first job this week at O & H Bakery! I also started working again at O&H as well. I work in the mail order department w/ Darnell's aunt who runs it. His sister, and a few of his cousins work there too. I have worked there for 2 other Christmas seasons. The hours will be crazy but the extra money will be good. We also got a 2nd vehicle today! We've been praying for this for forever! Darnell's mom bought her sister's old car so we are buying his mom's car. It's such a huge relief. With me working I'd either have to get up before 5 a.m. to bring D to work or he'd ride his bike. It's just too cold for him to do that. God worked it all out. A month ago I had no desire to work but when I brought Jeremiah to fill out paper work at O&H I just felt like God was opening a door! I need this. 

Like most women I am struggling w/ my weight. I have gained quite a bit within the last year to 2 years. My forever optimistic husband is so encouraging, he said well the last several months you were sick and not able to do much and your hormones are messing with you. All of this is true. However, I started gaining weight long before I got sick. I need to get over whatever is in my head and lose this weight. I mean seriously. It's not just a vanity thing but a health issue as well. With my parents both being severe diabetics the odds of me becoming diabetic are so high. Anyways.. 
I literally have sat here for like 10 min trying to think of something of relevance to say.. and I got nothing! LOL.....

Monday, October 15, 2012

Jeremiah went to homecoming this past Saturday. WOW! He looked so handsome and so his girlfriend Addy looked beautiful! I have to say, I didn't get all emotional like I thought I would. I was very excited and proud of what an awesome kid I have! 

They had a great time! We took a million pictures! Yesterday we went to church then came hone and had a relaxing Sunday afternoon. Savannah made lunch. She loves to make meals for the family. Then I made cupcakes and put them in my new awesome cupcake holder that Uncle Tom's fiancĂ© got me! It's those thoughtful things that really fill my love tank :) 
I am working on crocheting project. I see all these crocheting/ knitting projects and I want to raid Michael's for all the yarn I can get my hands on. However, I do not know how to do most of the projects I see! This saturday the girls and I are going to my mom's house to stamp. I'm excited to make some new cards and hang out w/ my mom and girls. I will have to post pics of our day! 
Oh and I am going to post a pic of the LOVELY and AWESOME corsage that my friend Emma made for Addy~

Here's a link to her Etsy shop... she does beautiful work, all by hand! 

Please visit her shop! You will find some very awesome and unique things! 

Good night friends! 

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

New blog~ Please follow!

I have started a new blog on I have found that it is easier to navigate and hopefully I'll be to increase the traffic flow! So if you follow me here's where you can find me!

I hope anyone who reads my blog will follow me over to WordPress!


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Bible studies, Prayer, approval of others...

My girls have recently expressed that they want to do a daily devotion/ bible study with me. I couldn't be more pleased.  Savannah will be 12 on the 25th and Haley is 13. The fact that they feel comfortable enough to ask me to do this w/ them and that they even want to makes me happy. And not the kind of happy like I think my kids are all super spiritual. I'm just excited that they want to know more about God and living their lives to please God. So I am searching for a good bible study to do with them. Whether it be a book, something online etc..I just am praying that God will lead me to exactly the right thing.

They also have asked me to pray for them more. I feel very blessed to have kids that already believe in the power of prayer.  
Parenting is a tough job. And that's probably the understatement of the century. I just am thankful that we have a God that guides us and directs us. Also that we have a great support system and that we aren't doing this by ourselves. Everyone has their own "system" so to speak, but I know, at least with my close friends that we all have the same goal. And that is to see our kids grow up to be healthy, well rounded people who are grounded in their faith. We especially don't want our kids to get caught up in "RELIGION" All the do's and don'ts and rules and things that bring on guilt. I mean really, some of the things christians judge other christians for is just wrong. We are suppose to build each other up and I've seen so many so called christians just tear others down b/c we aren't doing everything they think we should. I believe in following what the Bible says and obviously living a life that will line up with what God has called us to do. However I think God will show us and guide each one of us what our own path is. We don't need others to convict us of the things that they think we are doing wrong, that is God's job. It's our job to listen to that still small voice of the Lord when he is telling us to do something differently. He knows us best. He created us for goodness sake. I trust that the Lord will show me and guide me in my walk with God. And that is what I pray for for my kids. 

I tend to be my own worst enemy. Don't we all?  I mean especially as mothers and wives...I have a hard time when I feel like people are mad at me etc...or when I sense that they don't want me around. God is dealing w/ me on this. And I can say he's in a way releasing me from certain situations that I can say, you know what, I don't need everyone's approval. I don't need to be waiting on something that's never going to happen. When I finally felt God sort of release me, I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. And it's not like I am fighting w/ anyone or whatever but it's a lesson learned. I can move on and when I feel myself starting to be too concerned w/ other people's opinion I can go back to God and I know he'll remind me that his approval is what I should be seeking. 
well I have gone on long enough...Guess I had more on my mind than I thought!!

Sunday, August 12, 2012


I have been thinking about our parenting style. Up to this point, I feel as if we have a pretty good grip on this whole parenting thing. Our kids are great kids, they are respectful and kind and compassionate and the kind of kids I am proud of. I am however starting to think about how to parent teenagers. Oh that stings a bit just to type, lol. We are heading into uncharted territory and there is so much out there that we can't protect them from. That part doesn't freak me out too much. Mostly because I feel like they have a stable enough home life that the world out there, although scary, they have their home as a safe haven. 
My goal is to be the kind of mom that parents w/ a purpose. I don't want to just wing it. There are some things that you just wing it because there aren't books or blogs or whatever to guide you through. I do want to have something to refer to. I do believe a lot of what I think we should refer to is the Bible. I just need to find some practical ways to do so. I want to find some decent bible studies to do with the kids. Isaiah is currently scheduled to go to a different school this year and I am praying I can get it straightened out. If not, I'm not sure what to do. A teeny tiny small part of me considered home school. But I feel like I'd be short changing him. I want him to get the best education and help him to overcome the obstacles he faces academically. 
Raising kids that are going to be productive and responsible, kind, compassionate is a tall order. I am thankful to have a fabulous partner to do this with. What I lack Darnell fill is the gap and vice versa. I pray that we will be able to raise our kids w/ the Godly principles that they can take with them into adulthood. 

Friday, August 10, 2012

3 days post-op

I have made it to the other side of surgery, haha. Surgery went well, pretty normal I guess for a hysterectomy according to my Dr.
 I woke up feeling panicky. I kept telling the nurse that I was having a panic attack and she kept telling me I wasn't. I guess since my BP was normal, I technically wasn't having one, but it sure FELT like I was. I wanted Darnell and that was why I was so upset! I spent the night and they gave me some decent pain meds. All in all, it went fine. The pain isn't bad unless I move around. 

The emotional side of this is quite different. I suppose since they took out a huge organ that plays a big part in women and their emotions...well they left the ovaries but still. They messed w/ stuff. Just stands to reason that my emotions are a bit screwed up right now. I am missing my kids being little, I am missing the "early" years.. I have blogged about all this before. Tonight I'm just feeling it all only...a little more intensely. 
My kids have been exceptionally awesome this week! Jeremiah and Haley have been home the most and they have been so helpful and so loving. I just couldn't ask for better kids. Savannah and Isaiah just home today, they both were gone, separately but came home today. I will admit it may be challenging next week w/ Isaiah. But it was good that he was gone the first 2 days I was home.. I couldn't have really dealt w/ the "I'm bored" all day..
The weather is gorgeous.. so nice to have some cool temps. So I warned the kids that they will be spending more time outside from now till school starts. It's not blazing hot so there's no reason they can't be out enjoying the gorgeous weather! 
Darnell got his CDL (commercial drivers license). I know he's so relieved to finally be done w/ it and have it. Hopefully now he'll get his own route at work. He's worked hard and I am trusting that things will start to get a little easier. Some days I really have to remind myself why I don't work. I always think, well if I get a job, money won't be so tight. Well I will say that I know without a doubt that God has showed Darnell and I that my "job" is to be at home. With 4 kids and 2 with disabilities it's important that I be home. For Haley, bladder exstrophy doesn't slow her down and for the most part she doesn't have hardly any issues. isaiah, well every day brings something new and I just can't predict how things will go. He's already stating that he does not want to go to school. I am praying that we can help improve his attitude before school starts. Not every mom is meant to be a stay at home mom or is meant to work. We just know that for us, this is what works. It's not always easy, but that's not the point. I eventually want to go back to school, I just am unsure of it all. I just feel like I can't wrap my mind around it right now. I guess time will tell. Right now I just want to be here for my kids. I struggle with feeling like I'm doing enough, being a good enough mom etc.. I know that I need to start reading more in the Bible about my worth in God's eyes. Who I am and how "good" I am is not based on how I feel. I know what the Bible says about me, how God feels about me. I just need to start truly believing it. 

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

6 days and counting!

6 more days and I go in for my hysterectomy. I had my pre-op appointments yesterday and today. 
I'm happy that I am having it done. This summer has been hell on my body. I still feel like I'm recovering just from being so worn out before I had the blood transfusion and my blood count is still not normal, but it's good enough to have surgery. 
I am having some mixed feelings, like I'm THRILLED that I won't have a period anymore. I certainly will not miss that! However I feel like where did the time go that I have 4 kids, my youngest will be 9 in 17 days! The days of pregnancy and having babies/toddlers are long gone. Some days I miss it terribly. I miss cuddling and all that comes w/ having little ones. However I do enjoy the new phases that the kids are in now. It's just so hard to believe that I'm 35. Seems like just yesterday I was 21 w/ 3 babies! Of course at the time that seemed crazy but looking back, I miss those days! 

my faith in the Lord is stronger and I know that the struggles we have dealt w/ will not last forever. Even though it seems like sometimes. I know God will never leave me or forsake me. I am hanging on to that.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Naturally optimistic? Not so much...

You know those people who post on FB at like 5 a.m. that they're up & at 'em ... Exercising, cleaning . You know being all productive and stuff... Well if you know me at ALL you'll know that I am the furthest thing from that. I have been taking D to work at 5 am and when he wakes me up, my first response is not "Good Morning my love" it's more along the lines of ...seriously , waking up this early is nothing but bull shit! Of course I will do it b/c my hard working hubby works his ass off. It's just w/ me being sickits really hard for me to get up that early. Some friends gave us a bike but w/ the extreme heat there's no way he can ride a bike.
Anyway these naturally bubbly people make me want to smack them. No offense to anyone who reads this & you happen to be part of this clearly crazed type of person. And of course at the root of all this is just jealous y that I do not possess an ounce of this type of personality!
So I'm am trying to work w/ what I've got. With the crappy things going on in life right now I need a new attitude.
I plead with God to bring about change, to provide a way for our van to be fixed.
With the Colorado shootings, I have taken a step back. Realized that I've got more blessings than problems.
So- I'm a major work in progress. Ever changing, making changes . Making mistakes. Hanging on to the Hope that God gives me.
I can't feel guilty for being sick, for feeling awful or not being able to keep up w/ things. It just is what it is right now. D and the kids have supported me thru all this and I am truly blessed.
Now I'm rambling... Time to be done!!!

Monday, July 16, 2012

18 years

So... Slightly, very embarrassed about my last post. I tend to blog at night & then the next day I wonder where I got the courage to post what I wrote. It's almost midnight . July 16th. Every year until last year that signified the anniversary of when Darnell & started dating. It still does. We have officially been together for 18 years. Wow, what an amazing ride it's been! I look forward to many more.
Last year things changed. A son of a bitch bastard took advantage of me. It changed me. It took something from me, that I'll never get back. The depression I've been in, the rut... Has just sucked the life out of me. I have questioned everything I've always believed.
However... In spite of it all I'm working my way back. I know God is with me. July 16th will always be Darnell & my day. No one can take that. I made a decision not to let it.
I won't lie and say it's an easy decision but it's one I've made and have to work at. I've got an awesome husband to support me as well as great friends & family.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Feeling abandoned

God, are you there? Are you listening ?
Do you see what I am going thru?
I feel as if you are light years away...
These physical problems I have are consuming me, draining me, crippling me.
I keep waiting for something to change and the opposite happens- things get worse. I feel like every single aspect of our life is being tested.
Our vehicle, our finances- so much so that I can't even tell my son when he can get his hair cut. Our fridge & cupboards are barely thriving... The list goes on. How utterly embarrassing to admit all this. I see people who have it together & honestly I'm jealous. Jealousy has reared it's ugly head b/c if someone asked me if we wanted to do something that wasn't free, no matter how cheap it is- we'd have to decline. I am having awful dreams that I'm being judged for the Starbucks Darnell will buy me here & there when in reality that coulda been a haircut for my son.

So again I am wondering where is God in all this?
A lifetime of believing & trusting tells me he's here- but I'm not feeling his comforting touch or seeing his hand move. I feel abandoned.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Well I just spent over 8 hrs in the ER. I went in thinking I had a possible blood clot in my calf. They did blood work b/c 2 weeks when I was there my blood counts were low, right on the cusp of needing a transfusion. They sent me home. It was a little frustrating to say the least, especially since I've ft pretty awful these last 2 weeks. The nurse said normal levels are 11-12, today mine was 6.7. Well no wonder I felt like crap! Now I am home & and thankful for that , However I do wish I had a cook to make our meals because that seems to be the hardest area to cover!

It will be interesting to see when dr Pae will want to go ahead w/ my hysterectomy:/.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Lately life has been hard. Not your typical run of the mill every day "stuff". Situations that I really cannot share and choose to not to share for personal reasons. But that's not even the point, really. The point is we are left w/ our heads spinning and quite frankly my faith shaken. I have not lost my faith or given up on God, that would be just plain stupid but i'd be lying if I said I wasn't questioning God.  
~Disclaimer: Sensitive topics regarding uterus' will be talked about~
So I have had my period since June 4th. This is in every way just WRONG. REALLY.. just WRONG. I've never dealt w/ this and I'll tell you it sucks. I realize many women deal with this all the time. For me it has taken a toll on me physically because I'm anemic. My iron levels already were low. Throw almost a month of blood loss on top of that equals one very run down mama. So I go to the ER finally b/c when I called the Dr the nurse pretty much blew it off.. told me well if it becomes an on going problem to call. Well it is an ongoing problem, that's why I called to begin with. DUH! So I went to the ER because I knew they'd draw blood and I'd find out what my blood count and iron levels were etc... apparently my hemoglobin is 7.9. Right not the cusp of needing a transfusion. Now I don't normally go around asking for a blood transfusion however this time I did. To get my blood count up and my iron levels out of the toilet I'd rather be on the fast track. Coming home and taking my iron pills is fabulous except it takes FOREVER to really feel better. I am SURE there is more to it than that but from where I am sitting, I just want to feel better. I don't want to spend all summer feeling like crap. So I see my gyne on Friday and will discuss a possible hysterectomy. I'm done w/ this uterus. It served it's purpose and is of no further use to me. Now it's causing me trouble and I'd like to see it go now. 
I am just in a place that I feel like could use a break. I get it that we all do. When I look back to different times in my life I can honestly say there have been times when we were in much worse situations. But right NOW I'm struggling. With a lot of things and am just overwhelmed. I feel like all I do is complain and whine. I think all the time how I wish I was more positive etc... That kind of attitude does not come naturally to me like it does some. I've heard it said a MILLION time that you have to chose how you are going to handle things, the kind of attitude you will bring to the table. I'm telling you, I'm just not in a place that I am bringing my happy face and positive attitude to the table. I actually feel like I got the short chair and my forehead keeps banging against the damn table. 
Yes it could be worse. Yes others struggle w/ far worse than me. I get it. But today, right now, this is my struggle. it sucks, I hate it and I'm complaining and I really do want to have a better attitude. Today just isn't the day for it. It's not even 7 a.m and our stupid bed frame just broke. I'm sitting here on my laptop and it just fell. Our van is just barely surviving.  Oh, God knows the laundry list of needs we have. I know God is here. I just would like a break. 

Friday, June 8, 2012

It's the last day of school!!!! Jeremiah is taking his last 2 finals today. He will be a sophomore! I took him yesterday to get his temps from the DMV! He passed the written test 2 weeks ago but had to wait till June 6th which is his half bday. Umm.. I don't remember getting this old that I have a kid that can actually, legally get behind the wheel even w/ an adult in the car. I mean ok so I'm going to be 35 on Sunday so I guess I'm old enough but man I don't know where the time went. Haley is an 8th grader and Savannah a 7th grader. They are beautiful fun loving girls and just seem to love life. I love that. 

See? Care free on the trampoline w/ their bestie Libby! I have to say on a day like today, it feels easy to raise our kids because they are happy, carefree GOOD kids. Sure we have our issues, not saying it's all easy and tomorrow I might feel 100 % different but we are so blessed. and even on the hard days I have to remember that! 

I have been have a GREAT time w/ my hanging flower pots and planting flowers. 10 years ago I think I vaguely remember my mom trying to get me to buy flowers etc.. and I just was like yeah whatever.. lol.. now I love all of it. Partially because we have a great porch for it plus it just is a fun hobby for the summer! 

Saturday, May 26, 2012

blah blah blah..

WARNING~ I may do some complaining and ranting and all that... read at your own risk or run for the hills now! 

I am feeling extremely frustrated. We seem to have a laundry list of things we need and instead of it slowly getting shorter it's quickly getting longer. I am well aware that I am NOT the only mother/wife that feels this way, by far. I guess after awhile I just feel like I could use a break. And for my own sanity I am going to list the things that are at the forefront of my mind.. simply because I think for the simple fact of getting it out here, I just might sleep better tonight. For starters, our van is in SERIOUS need of a LOT of work. All of which we have NO funds to fix it. We have 2 lawn mowers in our yard that do not work and our yard is quickly starting to look like crap. And as a side note, I LOVE LOVE LOVE hanging flower plants, it fills my love tank and I have NONE for my porch this year. That is obviously something I don't NEED per say, just something that usually helps take the edge off feeling like crap about all the other stuff. 
I also have 4 kids that ALL need summer clothes of all kinds. Right down to undies and bras and socks and flip flops and a new bathing suit for my daughter. And I also have prescriptions that I need filled that are mucho expensive b/c we don't have insurance till August. I am waiting on the state insurance. 
with all that being said, I KNOW there are so many that are far worse off than me. People that don't have jobs, homes, vehicles etc....Lord knows we have been in worse situations that we are right now. I guess what it boils down to is that emotionally, this stuff gets to me. I have a relationship w/ God, I know he'll provide. I am just tired of seeing so many have their basic necessities met so easily and we struggle w/ them on a regular basis.and as I type this you want to know what runs thru my mind? if someone reads this, will they think Oh Melissa is just complaining again, she's just overeacting and could do this or that better and not be in the position she's in. Well you know what I have to say to that? And I promise I'll keep it clean.. walk a mile in my shoes, really, take a step into my world. Deal w/ all that i deal with and then we'll talk. 
I'm grasping at what little sanity I have left. lol. 
In light of all the negative stuff, I must share the good things. Isaiah has been out of pull ups for almost a month. We can safely say he has overcome that issue. It was a lengthy process and one that was very hard! However I give God all the Glory because it was a big deal for Isaiah!! Jeremiah is blossoming into a wonderful young man. He passed his temps test today. On June 6th, when he'll be 15 1/2 he can go to the DMV and get his official Temps and be able to drive w/ one of us. WOW... that doesn't seem real. I am so proud of him. He's been in weight lifting after school and he's going to be playing football in the fall. so he'll be at Horlick most of the summer between weight lifting and then Football stuff. I couldn't be prouder. 
So there you have it. The bad w/ some good. that's just how it is today. praying that some of the things on my list God will provide for. I know he will I just am being tested right now....

Monday, May 14, 2012

Beaten down but not destroyed!

It's been almost 2 weeks that Isaiah has been OUT of pull-ups! This is HUGE for him. I'm so proud of him and so thankful to the Lord for taking this issue from him. He's so much happier now that his bowels are not backed up and he's not in pain anymore! 

On a different note I have been feeling a bit, well ok VERY frustrated w/ the situation with our van. It needs a lot of work. We don't have the funds or the means( credit cards) to get it fixed. I feel like I did 10-12 years ago when we had the same issues.. not a good feeling. I know w/ all that is in me that God is in control, even in things such as our vehicle woes. I admit that I do not handle this particular stress well. at all. I get in the mindset that I want it fixed, all of it, YESTERDAY!! I don't have time to worry about this. Well, I realize that for whatever reason I have to deal w/ this. A lot of people look at car trouble and things similar things to be trivial. Well when you are living it, it's not trivial. So I am striving to learn from this. Rely on God. do not freak out. 
I guess the bottom line is I feel beaten down. This last year has just sucked the life out of me. I do not say that so I anyone will say, oh poor Melissa.. etc.. I say that because well, it's the truth.So when things like my van not working properly or my washer and dryer not cooperating.. those things feel huge to me. I want to handle these things w/ dignity and most of all in a way that honors God. I don't want to complain yet I want to be real. 
Forgive me if I am paraphrasing and possibly screwing up this verse.. but I feel like the verse that goes something like " I am beaten down but not destroyed..." So although in this season of my life when things feel oh so out of control...I may not be at my best but God is. I am not destroyed and I have hope. Not only hope in the every day things such as car trouble but in the big things such as where God will lead me next, how will he use me, how will he use my struggles and difficulties to some day encourage someone else. 
So that is all for tonight. 

Saturday, May 5, 2012

BIG week!!!

We went to First Friday last night downtown. Haley and Savannah were apart of the Flash Mob for their school. They busted out in dance in Monument Square  to Michael Jackson's " Black & White" They've been practicing for weeks. It was so cool to see them dance! As much as I miss them being my "almost twins" little girls, seeing them now being a part of school activities and loving life is priceless!  

This week has been a MONUMENTAL week in our house. Isaiah has dealt w/ constipation at on a nuclear  level... He's been in pull ups~ until this week. This was /is part of the psychological issues he deals with. The Dr's have told us that he would start using the toilet when he was ready. We couldn't really do much about it. Well last weekend we had to pump him full of miralax because he was so backed up his poor little belly was rock solid, you could bounce a quarter off it. Well we told him if he could MAYBE try and sit on the toilet he could go to a movie. Well for whatever reason, that flipped the switch in his brain. Now, I'm telling you we have promised this kid everything but the dang moon to get him to sit on the toilet. Even before we went to Disney, that didn't do it. Now... just a movie oh and maybe a trip to Buffalo Wild Wings ( his fav place to eat). The next day he drags me to the bathroom and shows me that he went. Well I'll save the details, lol and let's just say he hasn't worn a pull up in 5 days! PRAISE GOD!! This truly is HUGE. My mom in law bought him new underwear that he proudly walks around in, just them, hehehe... 
I'm so proud of him. We saw our nurse practioner this week and she gave us some tips that are really aiding in the process and helping us w/ keeping him going. 

Monday Jeremiah starts Driver's Ed. He will get his temps in a month. OMG what happened to my baby???
He is now as tall as Darnell and oh so handsome just like his dad! he's in weight lifting and getting all muscle-y....haha. He's eating his weight in food because of all this growing he's doing...When I think that I have another son that will go thru this, oh lawd! I'm so proud of my boy. He may be MUCH taller than his mama, but he's still my boy. 

I've been stressed out but what else is new. Our van needs a bunch of crap fixed on it. That crap makes me nuts. I've been around this mountain before, I should know better than to let it get to me but dang it, I just wish things would go smoothly. We don't have the means to just bring the van in and put it on a credit card. I get so frustrated. I need to get my head in a better place. Because right now I'm not feeling positive about it and finding it hard to have faith. Don't get me wrong, I have faith.. I've seen God move plenty of times I guess he's just not moving as fast as I'd like him to. I know it's not my timing though. To be perfectly honest, I don't like being at the mercy of waiting on when things will fall into place. However I know that this is probably right where God wants me, like it or not. So.. I need to get my head straight. 

Well I am off to finish the laundry! 

Monday, April 23, 2012

New Church!

Yesterday we went to church and then in the evening went to a praise and worship night. I have hesitated to write about this, but I'm so excited about our new church that I just can't not talk about it. See, I spent my ENTIRE life at the same church. The last 5 years or so I have pretty much had one foot out the door. There were circumstances that caused me to not be able to attend church but in all honesty my heart was slowly detaching from that church, for various reasons. I didn't know what to do. Our kids loved going and I didn't and wasn't going to get in the way of that. So I would drop them off on Wednesday nights. However I wasn't going to church at all and I was starting to feel it, spiritually. And to go to a different church just felt wrong. I didn't even know how to go about it really especially since Darnell worked on Sunday mornings. I didn't want to go to a new place by myself w/ the kids. Well several months ago a friend of mine had suggested trying out "Great Lakes church" in Kenosha. I really wanted to go and check it out, but it must not have been the right time. So in March Darnell happened to have a sunday off and we decided to go and check it out. Well I knew IMMEDIATELY that was our new church. It just got better from there...Darnell got a new job that now he has Sunday's off. And to top it all off there's going to be a Racine campus of Great lakes Church starting in the fall. Darnell is going to be one of the youth directors....or whatever you wanna call it. I've gone to church for the last 6 weeks. I haven't gone to church that consistently in YEARS. 
I will be honest and say it was hard to actually be totally done at a church I grew up in, got baptized and married in. However I know God has a plan. This is about HIM and his will for our lives. I'm finding myself looking forward to church again and realizing that God sometimes has to change things up to get your attention. He's got mine! I love my new church but I love even more that God is working in my life. 
On another note, I seem to be on a headache spree...they just aren't quitting. They get better for a little while however it just doesn't go away. It's frustrating. It saps my energy. Physically I just feel like crap. 
All in all, I'm pumped about to see what God is going to do in our lives, in this all new chapter. 

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Very Candid Post

Well life is slowly changing here in the Hoaglund household. As I am dealing w/ this what I  finally am calling it what it is... severe depression..I am realizing that I have a long way to go! Last week I began the beginning of my path to becoming a real survivor instead of victim. I started therapy. The real deal w/ a real Dr. We also are going to therapy for Isaiah.

He has seen that Dr. once, which ironically was an evening that he was raging...but right now Darnell and I are seeing the Dr and pretty much brainstorming and well, trying to figure out how to deal w/ Isaiah in the best way we can that will help Isaiah and help us. So lots of therapy going on over here. Some people don't want the world to know when they are seeing a "shrink" but for me, it's almost a must to let people know because I need to be held accountable. Because of this ugly depression I deal with~ I honestly would rather stay in bed and not have to go anywhere. I have a hard time, a lot of the time, going to appointments, going anywhere really. It's just easier to stay where I am comfortable. But I know there's so much more out there. God has a plan for me and I know that I need to fight for this.  
I want to get better not only for myself, but for my husband and kids. I am NO where near the kind of wife or mom I want to be for them. I realize that. So..I'm fighting. I know some days are going to be better than other. I also am dealing w/ this weight I have gained which weighs heavily on me( no pun intended, lol) I am working on me. Not easy, not fun. but worth it. I am worth it. I have to keep telling myself that. And if that is enough some days, my husband and kids are. 

Thursday, March 22, 2012


Spring is here! Thank GOD! We didn't have much of a winter and I am so ok with that. I have been thinking a lot about my blog and what I write and I am beginning to realize that I share a lot of how crappy I feel. So, today despite how I feel I will share some of the random things that are GOOD! 
Isaiah's IEP went well. his progress is awesome. If you compare where he is now to where he was 2 years ago, it's astounding. I'm so proud of him. He is making so much great head way. We now have 2 teenagers in the house. We always talked about this and I have to say, my teenagers are exceptions to the rule. We don't deal with the typical teenage crap from them. Savannah is 11 1/2 and taller than Haley. They are babysitting and loving life. All of my fears I had for Haley have been eased. She still faces different trials, bladder exstrophy doesn't go away. However right now she is doing fabulous and seeing how well adjusted she is does my heart good. Dealing w/ Isaiah's issues does tend to get overwhelming at times, but we are seeing a new therapist and I am hoping to learn some new techniques on how to handle his behavior. Jeremiah Haley and Savannah have become such awesome siblings to him, I truly believe it will make them more empathic people. The days that they play well together and laugh and giggle and still  have "sleepovers" in  the living room are days I can't take for granted. Especially in light of my depression issues I absolutely need to focus on these things. 
I love the relationship Darnell has w/ our kids. I've said it before and they just are getting the cream of the crop as far as daddy's go. No matter how tired he is, he still will play a video game w/ jeremiah, they will talk at night about sports and guy stuff. he connects w/ the girls, this pre-teen/teenage stuff has not gotten in the way of them bonding w/ him. And I love how Darnell connects w/ Isaiah..he absolutely does a fabulous job. I feel blessed to be a part of my family. 
And I think the thing that I really am most thankful for is my family accepting me when I am not at my best, when my emotions are running high, or when the migraines I get really get out of hand. They pull together and are here for me. And for the first time I will say "publicly" I am there for them. I can't be perfect, I can't be all things to everyone, but I am giving everything I can. I pray that God fills in the gap. well let me rephrase, I am thankful that God does fill in the gap. 
I pray that as we begin the spring season God will lift my mood and continue to help me dwell on the things he has blessed me with. 

Monday, March 19, 2012

Fight or Flight!

I'm getting close to my 35th bday and with that being said, I find that what I think and how I feel need to have their places. Some of that comes out in my blog and some doesn't. Lord knows I've dealt with enough adversity especially in the last year and I feel like I'm getting this "fighting"  spirit rise up in me. Not all the time, but when I think of things in my life that I want to change ~ I just am ready for it. I have a lot of emotion that gets in the way and that's something I have to fight thru as well. I just know that God has more for me, my family and I am excited to see what it is. And I'm going to fight for it which I guess sounds funny but I will. I know some days are better than others but I do believe I am on my way! 

Friday, March 2, 2012


Well I don't think it's a big secret that I deal w/ anxiety and depression. Lately it has really had a hold on me. The least little things are stressing me out, making me on edge and well just making me feel horrible. I have a few appointments this month and I am already feeling the anxiety of having to go to them. Why? I don't know. That's the hardest part. Explaining WHY I feel anxious about simple and ordinary things is darn near impossible. It sucks. It literally feels like someone is sucking the life out of me. I am the mother of 4 kids, one that has special needs and I NEED to be on top of what's going on w/ him. I am but I know that I could be doing so much more!!! 
To want to do things and then with everything in me feel like I just CAN'T is the most horrible, indescribable feeling. 
Then when I am feeling good, my mind races with all the things I am missing out on, all the things I want to do since I am feeling good at the moment. Of course that moment is ALWAYS at night. So by the morning, the worst part of the day for me those good feelings are long gone and replaced by feelings of anxiety and fear. 
I just am worn out from the war that rages within me. The feelings of guilt for not being the mom/wife I want to be or think I should be. 
I see other moms and just wish I could have it "together" like I think they do. Why is it so hard for me to do the things that I used to do and want to do? I am fighting the tears as I type because I am just so sick of crying and fighting this. 
I feel like a failure at just about everything, I realize this is not true but my mind tells me something different. 
I am not writing this to write a sad story~ this is just where I am at right now. I have faith and I pray and I just still feel  lost. 

Friday, February 24, 2012

Should be sleeping...

It's 12:36 a.m. Seriously, how am I EVER going to sleep normal? I'm convinced it's not going to happen. I slept all day. D was off and I just slept the whole dang day away. I am PATIENTLY waiting for some energy to flow thru my veins via the huge horse pills of Iron I take 3 times a day. They are all natural and need to start kicking things up a notch here pretty quick. 
I am so glad we went to Disney World. I am not so happy it took all of our tax return, however it was worth every single penny. I look back at the pictures and if I printed and framed every picture that is special, well my walls would be full. As a family, it was such a great time. And to go there w/ great friends, made it even better. D already has started saving for our next trip! We have those huge water jugs and we are doing our best to make sure every single penny,dime, nickel and quarter make it in there! 
Things w/ isaiah have been rough. It's time for some intense therapy I think. He may not like it, but I just can't sit back and watch him get worse. I don't know how he'll react, so I am just praying for a therapist that really can help him and us. 
Jeremiah has started weight training. His homeroom teacher is a football coach and asked him if he played football last year and he said no, well he got him started in weight training and he's going to play football this fall. I'm excited! It's going to be fun to see him play and I think really build his confidence. I need to find something for Isaiah too....not sure what though. To get all 4 kids involved w/ something, oh LORD, help me. 
I am ready for a change. I know that people say that we have to do something to start the change, but how exactly does one do that when you are stuck in depression? Where do you start?  I honestly need the Lord to guide me, show me, help me. I want to change, I want certain things to change and I just have a hard time seeing it come to fruition. I guess God is going to have to take the lead..

From Pintrest....

Truths for Mature Humans

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Walt Disney World!!!!!

We are back from Walt Disney World. It truly is a magical place! We had a  wonderful time and made lifetime memories. It was nice to come home, well sorta..haha. I DO NOT enjoy coming home to the weather. That is obviously no secret!  The weather was gorgeous the whole time we were there. I could get used to that! 
     I got a call from my dr.'s office while we there and I had had blood work before we left, well it turns out that my iron is so low that if it goes any lower I'll need a blood transfusion. I knew it was low, but not that low. It explains why physically I have felt HORRIBLE for the last few months. I have had NO energy or motivation to do anything. I deal w/ a lot of feelings of guilt because Darnell does so much around the house. He is quick to remind me that it is not because I am just being lazy or refusing not to do anything. I physically can't. I got a prescription for iron pills, but am considering getting some more natural iron pills. Something that won't tear my stomach up and all that. I am glad to know why I feel so crappy! 
Seeing the kids faces, hearing their laughter and excitement was priceless. I had a bit of a hard time keeping up, but Darnell was full of energy and made sure the kids got to do just about everything they wanted to do. I think we would need to stay a lot longer than a week for all 4 of them to hit every attraction. But we sure made a good dent in it! This trip was such a blessing. My mom was able to come w/ and share in the fun and memories. It's a trip we NEVER thought would happen for our family yet God had a different plan. It just goes to show that God does give you the desires of your heart. He is not just in the business of bailing us out of trouble or that kind of thing. 
My next goal is to lose this weight I have gained the last few months. Which right now seems like quite the mountain to climb seeings as I have the energy level of a rock. However, I fully believe as the iron pills start to work, I will regain some energy be able to focus on losing some weight! 

Saturday, January 28, 2012

5 hrs till Disney!!!

5 hours until we leave for the airport. I CANNOT believe we are going to Disney world. This trip is something I NEVER thought would be possible. Now, it's right here! We are going to make memories to last a lifetime, spend time w/ our family and friends that is going to be priceless!!  I have to admit the amount of money this cost does scare me a bit, however every step we've taken has fallen into place, I know that God approves. My poverty mindset needs to GO! So that's what I'm doing. 
The kids are so excited they can hardly stand it. I am so thrilled to see that. Our family has been thru a lot. We deserve this! 
God has been so faithful thru this last year. There have been times that I have doubted him, and wondered what was the purpose in all we had dealt with. I still don't have all the answers but I'm am starting to be ok with it. I have to trust that God is going to give me answers as he sees fit, not as I see fit, no matter how big a fit I throw, lol.
I personally have a long ways to go, but I so far 2012 is off to a great start!!!!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

New Year!

Well it's a new Year. I am praying for 2012 to be a year of change. So far things haven't started off personally too well. That big bad beast called depression has hit me hard. It's such a selfish disease and I need it to go away. I have found that "willing" it away doesn't work. 
So to my friends and family that may read this, if I seem like I am blowing you off or ignoring you etc.. please just bear with me. I'm working thru this. As hard as it is some days just to get myself to take a shower, it's even harder to get up and get going and try to have or look like I'm having a normal life. 
I'm working on this. I do NOT want to live like this. I don't want to feel like this. I feel horrible that my kids are seeing this in my, which is all the more reason for me to work hard at getting better. so that's 2012 for me. 
3 weeks we leave for Disney World! The kids are so excited they can hardly stand it! Going at the same time as the Pritikin's and the Dubinsky's is going to be a blast. And my mom coming w/... being able to share all the memories w/ us~ it's going to be priceless. This is something we never thought we'd do. I couldn't justify using our taxes for a trip like this. HOWEVER, you only live one time. Our kids are growing up so fast, They will remember this for their whole life. I Want them to have these memories, I want to have them w/ them. It's a blessing.