Saturday, February 27, 2010

Good night!

Darnell made lasagne for dinner tonight, we invited our mom's over too. THen we played black jack w/ the kids.. tooo funny! They used M & M's to bet w/, Savannah won the pot...I feel extremely blessed that we have such a close family. What is better than a Saturday night eating dinner w/ family? Really? my kids are hopefully going to have such great memories. I have great memories from my childhood and I'm so thankful my kids will too. Life isn't perfect and we've endured our share of struggles, but on nights like this, and our vacation, we have far more good memories than bad. NOw a new chapter in my life is opening w/ my dad. I am so excited and thankful. He told me that my brothers and I look alike,! WOW...I still am blown away.. in a good way. I feel very blessed.
On a different note, I have been feeling so funky physciallly...I woke up one night sweating bullets... today was the 3rd time this week that I was sweating bullets and just shaky..which that could be what's called dumping from having gastric bypass..but I have gone so long w/ out dumping and I am not sure if it has anything to do w/ my blood sugar. I went this past Monday for my blood work and I have a physical this coming Thursday. I'm just exhausted lately.. I did work out 2 times this week, which is a good start I guess. Well I'm falling asleep so i guess that's all for now.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

week in review..

Well this week I actually started working out again! Man my shins hurt! It feels good to be getting back into it though. Last night I brought the kids back to Racine Assembly for Youth group J, and Stars for the girls. That's where they want to be. I am overjoyed that they enjoy going, and I do not want to squelch that. sometimes you need to step out of your own world and try something different. I was so sure God was leading us in a different direction, which I'm not entirely convinced that he still is leading us in a different direction. But as far as Wednesday nights go, the kids are comfortable, happy and that's what want to focus on. I honestly feel like when I go to RAG I'm getting all kinds of trash talk that's being said about me, but oh well.
On a different note, things w/ my dad are going great! He got the pictures I sent and he also go pics from my brother Kevin and is going to send me copies. This is all soooo new to me. Excitng, scary, but good. God is good. I am feeling very blessed tonight!!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Great Work out today!!!!!

TOday I FINALLY went to the Y to work out. I did 30 min on the treadmill and 20 min on the elpitial, then a few weight sets on my legs. I'm starting to feel the burn, lol..I ate pretty decent today. I had protein shakes for lunch and dinner. Tomorrow I'm going to the Y again to workout and then after that there's open swimming so I'm going to bring Isaiah to swim. I am determined to lose weight. I always feel like I have to have done everything perfectly each day, especially when it comes to this stuff, but I am learning to not look at that way. I am basically setting myself up for failure. So I look at like this, today I worked out, ate decent which is sooo much better than yesterday! When I was on the treadmill I felt that same adrenaline rush I used to feel when I worked out all the time. I miss that feeling, knowing you are doing something healthy for yourself! My life has changed quite a bit in a little over a week. My dad is a part of my life again. I keep saying it, but it's just so new and exciting! Well I am off to bed, working out wore me out, LOL..

Monday, February 22, 2010

Back to reality!

Back to went back to work yesterday, kids went back to school today. It was such a great vacation. I already got 100 pic developed, a few framed and tmrw I'm going to put them all in photo albums. We went shopping this weekend, and ooooh did Darnell spoil me!!!!!!! LOL... We got a new down comforter, an egyptian cotton puffy mattress pad and a duvet cover for the comforter! Plus I got curtains for the dining room FINALLY, and curtains for our room so they actually match. Now we just need to paint our bedroom. This hideous wallpaper drives me nuts. Things are going well w/ my dad. I talked to him on teh phone again yesterday. It is amazing because within the last, well at least year or so, I have prayed that if God wanted my dad to be a part of my life, God would have to do his thing! I wasn't going to hunt my dad down. I didn't feel like that was the route to take. I specifically prayed( like the bible tells us too!) that if God wanted anything to happen, my dad would contact me first. And he did. Doesn't God work in awesome ways! It will obviously take time to build a relationship, but I really feel at peace about it. I know God is in control. needless to say, I'm soo excited! I hope to, in God's time, get to know my brother Nick. He lives in St. Louis too. BUt again, it's all in God's time.
Today Darnell almost walked into a bear trap way out in the boonies!!!!!!!! Luckily the guy he was with realized there was a trap! I don't even know if bear hunting is legal! But come on, if you have cable techs running lines outside you'd think they would at least give the guys a heads up! Well that's all for today!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Home from Vacation

We came home yesterday around 5. We had to check out of the hotel at 10 a.m. and could have stayed in the waterpark all day if we wanted, but man,we all were wiped out. Darnell especially! He played just as hard as the kids! Jeremiah and Savannah got a horrible rash from the chlorine.. Wed. mom got sick, fever and everthing. I didnt feel good either, so we both stayed in the hotel room all day. Savannah ended up sick too. Thankfully it came and went fast. Wednesday night I talked to my dad on the phone!! So excited! It's so exciting getting to know him. After so many years of wondering what he was like, if I was like him, if I looked like him..I am hoping to get to know my brother Nick. He lives in St. Louis too. We'll see. This is like a whole new world to me..a world I never EVER EVER EVER imagined would open up. I am still just praying thru every step, I mean seriously it's not even been a week that this all began. One baby step at a time. But for me, even the baby steps are exciting. I am being cautious, it's says in the Bible to guard your heart, and I need to do that. Just because I want every step of this to be in God's timing. I get myself all fired up and need to take a step back, breath and slow down. I have lived a life of honestly not knowing how to relate to men all that well. I have always felt akward around men, after almost 16 years of being w/ Darnell, I still ask him" really, you really LOVE ME? You even like ME??" It's all self esteem issues. It's hard to wrap my brain around that the one man in my life that wasn't there is now wanting to be here. Not that knowing my dad is going to fill up my self esteem issues, I think only God can do that. I just feel akward around most men. I was never a flirt, Darnell is the only man I ever dated, I was not the girl that turned heads. Still am not, which is fine, I don't want to be turning anyone's head besides Darnell's! But because of my lack of men in my life, it still leaves me feeling like a retard around guys, LOL...My boys think I'm cool.. haha.. for now anyways!
The kids laughed and laughed this week. music to a mother's ears. They got along, they didn't argue, they played together.. they are just awesome kids. It amazes me how well the get along. Don't get me wrong, they have their days, but they aren't at each other's throats all the time.I feel VERY blessed. I have a fabulous family and I give God all the glory!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

vacation part 2..

Well we had our day enjoying the Cabana suite in the waterdome waterpark. SOOO nice!! Not a bad price either! I am currently sitting in the most comfy leather chair typing on my laptop... what a life! After a year that will go down in history as one of the worst, we definately needed this. I bit the bullet and went in the wave pool. ALLL the way out. I still feel like Im in it.. yuck I hate that feeling! Tonight we went to Cracker Barrel for dinner then came back to the hotel. Mom, me, and J, Haley and Savannah played skipbo. We laughed SOOO hard, such great memories being made for all...Isaiah had his desert, got his jammies on and was out like a light. Again, I cant get over this hotel suite. It truly is unreal to me!
update on my dad~ we are corresponding thru facebook at this point. Which to me is good. It's good to take things slow. I have to be honest, I am so dang excited yet extremely gun shy... I dont want to get my hopes up and be let down again. I don't harbor any ill feelings toward him, life's too short. It is just weird to have my dad, MY DAD, words I have barely used in my life, want to know ME!!! I think we will be taking baby steps though, after so many years of no communication, it's going to take awhile to build a relationship. This is something I have prayed about for months. not daily, but frequently. Pryaying that if God wants me to know my dad, he'd work it out. Well so far, it looks as though he is workin it out. God is good!! Well I'm going to bed, hopefully I can sleep after being in the dang wave pool and now feeling like my brain is still in it, haha..

Monday, February 15, 2010

The Wilderness part 1

We are on vacation. Me, Darnell, the kids, my mom. It's awesome this 4 room presidential suite is BEYOND what I could've imagined! What a blessing! 2 master suites, 2 other bedrooms, a full kitchen, dining room , living room , laundry, jacauzzi tubs!It's like one of those Manhantan apartments you see on HGTV that go for millions of dollars. It is a huge blessing! Our kids, and us for that matter will have great memories! Today I felt pretty crappy all day. I woke up in the middle of the night w/ the WORSt headache of my life, I was so close to having Darnell bring me to the ER, but thankfully I fellback asleep. I started a new med to suposedly help me sleep, needless to say I won't be taking it again! The headche sort of lingered all day, I took a long day so that was good. I've had a cold that seems to be coming and going, not sure what that's about, but whatever..
Yesterday THEE weirdest thing happened as we were driving up here to the Dells I get a text saying Kevin White ( my dad) wants to get to know me. It's be over 15 years since I've spoken to him. He's had some major health issues that almost took his life, his brother just died and I guess when all that happens for some people that puts a whole lot into perspective. I am PRAYING that this this works out. I still can't wrap my head around it. it's so surreal. This time away from home is so nice. Isaiah is doing fabulous! he's enjoying every single second, tonight he did ask if he could go to bed though, lol.. he's wiped out!! Well my eyes are getting exteremly sleepy! This week is proof to us that God does want good things for his children and does want us to be happy, we don't always have to just settle for the bare minimum. Praise God!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Square Peg, Round Hole..

You know what I want for my kids? To grow up knowing God, trusting God, letting God lead them, but NOT fall into the "religiousiosty" (totally spelled that wrong) that so many fall into. Do you know how exhausting it is or was to feel guilty for saying a swear word ( obviously not around my kids, most of the time ,lol) or for not following all the "rules" a good christian should? Seriously.. I have realized that in some areas, not all, but some, what I was feeling was guilt and some was God's conviction. You have to learn to tell the difference. THere is no condemnation in Christ. I Honestly don't think I'm going in danger of "losing my christianty " if I enjoy a martini once in a while. I don't feel convicted. Some people may because of their past or what have you, but that's not an issue for me. everyone has their own convictions. That's the key I think. I am not any less a child of God if I swear once in a while, don't go to church or do things in a traditional manor. I have NEVER been "normal" lol...seriously.. I was never the popular kid, the skinny kid, the girl w/ lots of boyfriends, I grew up w/o a dad, my life just wasn't like everyone else's. For a long time I tried really hard to make it be like that, or wishing that it was. But God had a different plan. His plan for me was to marry an awesome man, to have 4 awesome kids, 2 of which have disabilities, some of these things I don't always like, but it makes me who I am. And if I am that person that is not going to fit in w/ everyone else, be it. I'm exhausted from trying to make it fit. It's like the saying... trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.. not gonna happen. So I am slowly embracing the fact that I just am my own person. I do things the way I do them. If me and God are good, that's what counts. I guess what threw me for a loop,well a big 'ol huge loop was the plan I had in my head of how my life was going to go and how things are actually panning out are quite different. MAYBE if I had consulted God a bit more when making MY plans, I wouldn't have been so surprised when things went so differently. I didn't plan on still being home now. I planned on Isaiah being in school, me being in school and hoepfully almost done and being an RN. Obviously those plans completely fell thru and are on hold for, well, indefinately. I'm not making plans regarding my schooling until I feel God tells me to. I may not be involved w/ church right now, but I DO have a relationship w/ God, I still hear his still small voice, and until that voice tells me otherwise, my purpose is to be a mom. My kids need me. And although I have not been at my best all the time, I'm doing the best I can, and God's grace is sufficient. I know my kids love me, they accept me for who I am, just as I am. I could learn a thing or two from them, to see myself the way they do.. hmmm...

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Snow Day!!!!!

We had a snow day today! Haley woke us up at 5:45 am to tell us. Needless to say I couldn't fall back asleep. So, being a person that RARELY sees the world that early, got an early start today. That part felt good. I got laundry going, I even had the girls empty the dishwasher at like 7a.m., lol.. they didn't mind! Then I pulled all the couch cushions out to vacuum. It is a disgrace to all stay at home mom's as to what I found under those cushions..yuck! It's all good now though! I started to lose momentum around 11 a.m...mind you I had 6 kids in the house. So the fact that the downstairs was all clean was a great accomplishment. For some reason I got more done w/ them all home than when they are at school! Isaiah had a rough afternoon. With a full house, after a few hours it throws him into a tailspin..

5 more days till the Dells! Savannah is packed already! Although I don't think she realizes that she may need some of what she packed before we actually leave, LOL...I felt bad that Darnell had to work in this nasty weather. He's such a hard worker! And doesn't complain. I'll admit flat out I'm a big wuss, I'd never survive, LOL...

I am struggling with this whole weight issue.Yes I had gastric bypass, yes I lost a lot of weight, HOWEVER,I am still overweight. I used to be a working out machine. Now..I can't seem to get myself motiviated. I am watching The Biggest Loser and it always inspires me, but obviously not enough to do anything about it! I KNOW I have the potential to lose the weight I want to lose and get to where I want physically. However I lack the discipline and ambition. I am working on it.. I feel like I am right on the cusp of taking the next big step and jumping back into my workout groove. I am praying that God will give me what I need, when I need it!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Monday Monday!

It's monday. not doing much. Yesterday I cleaned like a freak almost all day! Then I remember, oh it's just the downstairs, I still have to clean the entire upstairs!!! Don't know if that's happening today or not...I also am trying hard to talk myself into working out, I have zero motivation today. I suppose that's not much different than any other day, ha! I was trying to download music to a memory card for Savannah to put on her DSI but I can't figure it out... The kids and Darnell are counting the hours till we go leave for the dells! It's going to be nice to get away! And be stayng in a presidental suite at that! Isaiah is sleeping, he sleeps every morning after we drop Jeremiah, Tava & Elly off. We are supposed to get hit w/ a big snow storm tomorrow..we'll see if it really happens! Even though I hate WI winters, there still is that excitement when we are going to get a big snow storm!

I just picked Jeremiah up from school. He has a migraine and stomache. Poor kid..he gets such bad headaches. I know he doesn't feel good because he NEVER calls from school to go home early!! I just booked a cababana suite at the Wilderness. It's in the Water Dome inside water park where the wave pool is. It feels weird to be going on a mini vacation and staying in such nice rooms, but I have to remind myself that we deserve good things. God wants good things for us. Our family is going to have a blast!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


WARNING!!!!!!!!!! I am PMS'ing, and crabby. Isaiah's giving me hell today. Which I shouldn't be surprised, he went to school today and although he did well there, it's when he comes home is when he gets all bent out of shape, to say the least. I know I'm suposed to get over this, I know I should count my blessings,quit complaining, be don't feel any of that. I am sick of dealing w/ a difficult kid. I LOVE LOVE LOVE him. It's his BEHAVIOR that makes me want to scream. I read on a message board the 10 commandments of having a child w/ special needs. On it one of them said not to be a martyr. Is that what I am? I don't want to be, but seriously, how the hell do I deal w/ this and have it not make me nuts? I am tired of hearing myself complain and cry,yet I just can't feel GOOD. I am TIRED of everything being difficult. Literally everything. With Isaiah not being in school on a regular basis I don't get a break from him. Of course when Darnell's home I do, but, oh I don't know. All I know is I feel crappy. Yes I am having a pity party. I am feeling crabby, I am tooooo worried about what people think about me, ya know, I know I am blogging/complaining about the same damn thing I always do. I don't even like myself today. so...I'm going to stop typing cuz I'm freaking tired of myself.