Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Spilling my guts

So.,.it's been awhile and I feel like my brain my explode w/ all the thoughts going thru it!! so I need to blog it all out!!! Last week we spent the week in the Dells. The weather was great and we had a wonderful time. When we got home, I was EXHAUSTED.And have been ever since. I Know for a fact it is partially due to me not taking my iron pills. But I also am feeling weird in other ways. Like when we are out and about, I don't even have the energy to run into the grocery store w/ Darnell. How sad is that? doing the normal, every day things exhaust me. I just feel like something is off. I can't put my finger on it. I know it could just be a mixture of things. I have a daily mental battle w/ my weight, whether or not I will exercise that day, yada yada yada. Well how the heck do you exercise when i barely have the energy to go up and down the stairs? OR... I have a big energy spurt and then I crash. It's so stupid. I hate feeling this way. I don't know if I need to go and talk to someone, but of course that requires making MORE FREAKING APPOINTMENTS and keeping them, as if we don't have enough of those. And we can re name our medicine cabinet to Hoaglund Pharmacy. Between my meds, Isaiah's, and now J's headache meds.. jeez....
On Sunday, my awesome friend Jen Powell got me started w/ Isaiah's schedule and social stories. Which then prompted me to go out and buy a laminator so that I can keep up w/ his schedule changes etc... That really helped b/c that whole thing totally overwhelmed me. so.. basically I feel like crap. I feel like Darnell does WAY more than he should have to, that I just should be doing more, and bottom line, that the enemy is having a field day w/ my emotions. Yes, I will be praying about it. Tonight, I needed to get it all off my chest. I have a lot on my plate. Somewhere in between trying to make sure everything w/ my kids is all good I need to take care of myself, and when it comes to that, well I just don't have the energy. bottom line.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Weird day

It's almost 5 pm and it's still very light out. That's a good sign. I have chili simmering on the stove, the kids are outside sledding and Darnell's at work. Today has been an off day. I can't put my finger on it. I just feel, yucky. I don't know if it's the weather, depression or just one of those days. It has crossed my mind that I am grieving for Nikki. It's been a week since they lost their son and she has been one of my best friends for over 10 years. I have never quite known how to feel or act when someone close to me goes thru a loss like this. So of course I googled it, lol. And apparently it's normal. When Julie, my best friend also, lost her dad, I felt the same way. And it is in no way about me, I just feel so bad for them..I have prayed, I know God will give them peace. I think any mother can relate to what Nikki is going through. I can't say "oh I know exactly how you feel" but mothers have a bond. Only another mother can understand the love a mom has for her children. So...Nikki, if you ever read this, just know that from one mom to another, I'm grieving with you. Not in the same way obviously.
I have to contact DDIS for Isaiah. There are more services available that I need to get for him. I know there is a MOUNTAIN that I still need to climb to even get close to feeling like I have done everything in my power to make sure Isaiah has all the tools he has to be successful, and that we have the tools necessary to raise him properly. I don't ever want to look back and say, oh well I didn't know about that...or I should have done this or that. We are aware of his needs( most of them I think) we are aware that his way of approaching life is completely different than everyone else's. Honestly that is what overwhelms me the most at times. As parents we really have such a limited time with our kids. The years go by so fast, the teaching moments, the memories all that stuff happens so fast. And for Isaiah, I just want the best for him. I want the best for all of my kids. They are awesome children. They are respestful and honest and loving.
They have morals and values. They value family. That is so important to us. I know as they grow up they will lead their own lives, make their own mistakes, just like everyone else. But I will always be proud to be called their mom.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Catching Up

It has been a while since I last blogged. I am on my new Mac Book! Very excited about that. It was a well thought out purchase, I must say. We have had a few laptops and ALWAYS have problems, we decided to just bite the bullet and buy a Mac. So far so good.

With great sadness, one of my best friends, Nikki said good bye to her baby boy. She miscarried at 16 weeks. Michael Samuel Barra. I feel so sad for her, Ivan and the girls. I spent the night at their house last night. I have to say, in the midst of tragedy if you look for it, you can see God's hand in everything. Even in something like this. So it will take time but I know that God will sustain them and bless them. Their son is in heaven now and although we wish he could have stayed with us, I know God knows what he's doing. So I will pray, be there for them and do what I can to lift Nikki's spirits.
We got part of our taxes back. It's quite sad actually that we live for this every year, but hey, it is what it is. It is the time of year that we can stock up, buy what we need, some things we don't, plan ahead, go on our annual Dells vacation. That is one thing we decided we will always do unless we are in dire circumstances. Our family vacation is a must. We want our kids to have those memories. They deserve it, we deserve it. I have to say, we don't always have the easiest cirucmstances to deal with and dang it, we are going to have 1 fun, great thing we do for our kids. They talk about it all year long. My mom comes with and the kids are making lifelong memories with her as well. That is priceless. So, it feels good to not feel so strapped for cash. We aren't rolling in it, lol, but we at least aren't in a bad spot.

This week I think I may have had a revelation. For lack of a better explanation. I got in contact with a woman who works for a non profit Autism Soceity. I will be able to plug in to a group of people who know what we go thru. I will have resources to help us. And I feel like that is my purpose. To educate myself, my family and other families about having a child w/ autism, no matter how severe and how to be an advocate. How do we get thru this, how do we help our other children thru this...Not too long ago I really felt like my desire to be a nurse really left me. I wasn't sure if it was just because I don't want to go back to school, lol... but this week, I realized what opportunities I will have to help my own family deal with Autism, but to help others.
I am at just the beginning. I have a lot to learn. However, I know that at some point, I can be that mom that tells another mom that they will live thru this. Life won't always feel like it's coming to an end. And since I do not work, I have the time to read and educate myself. I guess I just feel like I have a purpose. Of course my number one purpose is being the best wife and mom I can to my family. Beyond that, I feel like I have enough experience that hopefully God will use me to help others.