Monday, April 8, 2013

WARNING!!! I am venting... read at your own risk.

Warning.. I am venting. I will NOT apologize for what I blog about, especially not today. So if you are going to have a problem with what I write, stop reading now. 

Life has been hard. big shocker. when isn't it, for anyone? 
lately it has been one thing after another. as a mom..watching your kids go through crap is about as bad as it gets. 
Isaiah is not in a good place. We can hardly get him to school. When he's there, he does little to no work b/c he won't cooperate. 
not because he's this defiant child who just doesn't want to. 
not because he's a menace.
because he suffers from bi-polar disorder as well as asperger's. And I don't know what other mental disorders that go along with these things.
Anxiety is what is ruling his world right now.
what would YOU do if your 9yr old was so overwhelmed by anxiety that he can barely walk out the door to get on the bus? 
When he gets to school the teacher has to coax him off the bus? 
I could go on and on. Anxiety is real. It sucks. It sucks a little bit more when your 9 yr old is suffering from it. The way is presents itself is through anger, frustration etc...
Medicine helps but by no means makes a big enough difference. 
So now.. we have to decide on a daily basis whether or not to send him to school based on the facts.. will he be able to make it to school and not hurt himself or someone else? 
His special ED teacher is an ANGEL FROM HEAVEN! She's awesome! 
She gets him. thank GOD. 
We're having an IEP meeting to decide the next step. when he was younger and all this happened we had to keep him home from school and a teacher came out to the house a few times a week. That worked wonders for Isaiah.
Somethings gotta give. He can't go on like this. 
I can't. Our family can't. 
I'm drained. So drained and heartbroken for my boy. 
I am trying my best to find help for him.. I am hoping to find something for him to do in the summer. 
I'm overwhelmed. I've dealt with my own anxiety lately.. all this is just too much sometimes. well all the time. 
Just when I thought Haley was over the spasms for awhile.. they started again Saturday night. Hit her like a Mack truck. Seeing her in pain, cry so hard.. is heart wrenching. She doesn't understand why. She's dealing with physical pain and emotional pain. She wants to know why she has to deal with this. 
When she was a baby and would have pain.. I had a bit of comfort knowing she wouldn't remember any of it. 
she's feeling all of this and remembering it and realizing that this is just part of her life. 
Now how the hell do help her feel better? yes I pray for her, with her.. however seeing her go through this is so hard. It's harder than I ever thought it would be. 

so much to deal with. I also am a mother to 2 children that don't have any major issues and I feel like they are getting less of me.. I'm so consumed with all these feelings of guilt and fear and I just don't know what to do with it all.

Yes I trust God. yes I know he's here. however right now I am not feeling it. And yes I know it's not about how I feel. I've heard it before. I have said it before to other people. 
This is just me being real. as real as it gets. vulnerable.. honest.. and letting it all out. 
like it or not.. this is where I am at.