Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Last day of 2009

Well I can't say that I'm sad to say goodbye to 2009. This year has been awful. But I would rather focus on how far God has brought us rather than mull over all the crap that happened! Christmas was great! Darnell's been off since the 22nd, which has been fabulous! He has been cleaning, cooking, letting me sleep...all of which I feel like I totally needed! I didn't realize how drained I was. I mean I did, but I didn't. I am proud of myself for taking my iron pills every day for the last month, plus vitamin C, Vitamin D, a mulit-vitamin..hopefully my iron levels have started to come up. I still feel very wiped out.. but I was told it will take longer than 4 weeks for me to start feeling less tired after my iron levels being so low. kids are happy. They are healthy. Isaiah is better. He will have to return ( or at least try to ) to school probably sometime in the next month or so.. not sure how that will go, but God brought us this far, So I'm leaving it in his hands.
I have never been big on New Year's resolutions. However this year I am making some odd ones, lol.. like I want to take a day to make all the bday cards I will need for the year, sounds funny, but when you have a bday party and realize your don't have a card, it's so nice to just pick one out you made and there you have it! I am looking to make things simpler. I want to grow my hair out. Weird again, but it's my new years resolutions, so there you have it, lol,.. I also need to commit to taking my vitamins daily and getting into an exercise routine. We have a membership to the Y, I need to use it. I won't even lie and say I'm giving up Starbucks, because we all know , that's not happening, hahaha..So my new years resolutions are small, minor things. So, as 2010 approaches, I am looking forward to a new year. I am not looking forward to my kids growing another year older, I soo wish I could keep them little..but I need to embrace the age their at. So that's all.. Good bye 2009!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas!

Well this Christmas turned out WAY different than I thought it would a few days ago. So..we thought Darnell was getting his bonus check in December, however we were VERY mistaken, turns out it doesn't come until March. So.. obviously we were thrown for a loop and worried about getting the rest of the presents...I was praying, Darnell was praying.. we just sorta mulled around the house all day Wednesday not sure what to do. Well, a family seen a post I put on facebook and dropped off a check & starbucks for me! God completely provided!! We were able to get the kids pretty much all of what we wanted. I pray that someday I can bless someone in the same way financially. Until then, I just want to make sure I'm keeping my eyes open for opportunities to bless others. It's the end of 2009, I won't lie and say that I'm sorry to see it go. It's been a tough year. Isaiah's doing well, he's been sooo sweet, so loving, so innocent. This last week or so I am just so thankful for my kids. They are just awesome! I have no idea what the future holds, I'll say one thing for sure, I'm done trying to make things go the way I want them to. I have no expectation as to how things in my life will go. I have found out the hard way that I basically NO control over what happens, I need to let it all go how it's going to go and let God work. Getting myself all upset about the things that don't go according to "my plan" , lol, has obviously not worked so well. So.. I am exteremly thankful for my family and friends. I am looking forward to what 2010 has in store for us!!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Up and down

I am starting to think that I am bipolar, lol...My moods are all over the place lately. I have been in such a funk the last couple days. I don't feel the Christmasy feeling I normally do. Part of it I think is Darnell doesn't get paid till Wed so we can't finish any of our shopping till then..Financially it's been a tight month. Then I go in the living room & see our new TV and stand 7 PS3, but we don't have to make any payments until Feb. so we got the stuff, but didn't have to put out a dime right now. I guesss I am feeling insecure. I'm not sure why. When I break things down in my life, I really have no VALID reason for feeling that many people are out of jobs, in foreclosure, and all that...We are very blessed w/ our home and Darnell's job and all that we have. My insecurities I think stem from this whole year being one big roller coaster. The ups and downs w/ Isaiah have just got me all goofy. He sees the Dr on Tuesday and I am hoping we can change his meds a bit. He's having more episodes, which is probably why I feel the way I do. I need to remember that God is in control. Why do I doubt and worry and get myself all worked up? Well I am going to stop complaining. I am going to focus on God, on what his word says and rest in that.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Sleepovers, Christmas programs....

Yesterday we got a 46 inch TV w/ a new stand & a playstation 3. Darnell has been wanting a new TV for soooo long, I am so happy for him to get it. He NEVER buys himself anything, EVER. He deserves it. He wanted the playstation 3 more b/c it has a blue ray DVD player. The perk was we got no payments till Feb & no downpayment! Now that we have a huge TV, I will never not have a big tv, haha. We went to Haley & Savannah's Christmas program last night. It was JAM packed.. Tamiah was in it too so Joanie & Tim were there, they stayed to watch our girls sing, it was nice. I think it's awesome that our girls, and Tamiah will have memories of going to the same school, being in programs together and seeing a whole row of us waving at them. Dominick is sleeping over tonight. Isaiah was sooo excited! He had his teacher come today, he's really doing well. Having a one on one teaching experience is so good for him. She gave him a Christmas present and it was puzzles an he loves them, and spent the afternoon playing w/ them. He also is starting to poop on the toilet!!!! He's doing it by himself! I am Praying that this is the beginning of the process of him using the toilet regularly so we can get him out of pull ups. It's very normal for kids w/ Isaiah's issues to have toileting issues as well. I've been told not to make it a big deal and he will eventually go on his own. It's all part of his sensory disorder and the feeling of having control. So, when he goes on the toilet, we praise him like he won a gold medal in the olympics, lol..He's had some episodes, but in the same turn, he's made some good progress. I think the time home w/ just the 2 of us is really helping repair the strain that was there b/c I was always the one wrestling w/ him all summer when he was having episode after episode. Now, he comes and cuddles me, says I love you w/o me even saying it first. I feel like I have my boy back. The other kids are sooo amazingly patient w/ him, and loving. And thankfully they are to me as well. As I deal w/ this last years stress, I know I haven't been easy to live w/. I'm exhausted all the time, I'm struggling w/ depression and my family is awesome to me. I really think my kids are especially anointed. They just have so much joy and love. I struggle w/ the whole church thing, but I am finding that I need to do what I need to do. If people judge me, well so be it. They haven't walked in my shoes. I know where I'm at w/ God. My kids not going to be heathens b/c we don't go to church regularly. I think eventually we will get back in the routine of it, but it is what it is right now. They/I am learning that my christianity does not balance on my church attendance. I could go on and on, but I won't. God is good to us, He loves us. That's what I focus on!! Christmas is a week away! I can't believe it! The kids are excited, I am too. I still have a lot of shopping to do since D doesn't get paid till Wednesday.. but it will all get done. Well I am going to sign off...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Darnell is awesome!

I have been cleaning like crazy. I finally got our bedroom clean. The only thing that is not clean under our bed, it needs to be vacuumed...and it's bugging me that it needs to be cleaned! I got the laundry room clean and all the laundry done. All of it. That is alot!!!! Darnell peeled potatoes this morning before he went to work for me. I really don't think there is any other husband out there like him. Honestly...just when I think he can't wow me anymore, he does!! And he wow's me w/ little things and big things. Darnell accepts me w/ all my faults. That blows my mind. I am 32 years old and still can't believe that. I did not have a father in my life, and I'm pretty much ok w/ that. Sometimes I see older men and I wish I had some kind of dad..that my kids had a grandpa...but because I did not have a dad, it has always been hard to really accept that a man, Darnell, loves me, heck even likes me! I still sometimes have a hard time even talking to other men b/c Darnell is the only man I completely feel comfortable with. So God has blessed me w/ a husband who goes above and beyond all my expectations! And because he's so awesome, we will have 2 sons that some day, if they get married, will be awesome hubby's and dad's too, since they had such a great example. I don't feel like I deserve such a great man, but God does. I'm glad he believes in me more than I
I finally called the advocate that will probably kick some Racine Unified Ass!! I have been putting it off, I left a message b/c she wasn't home. But I made the call. Once I talk to her, I have to tell the whole counselor told me that everytime I tell the whole thing it's like reliving it again, sorta. I think he's right. It's so hard to tell it again. I need to record it and just hit play...I have told so many people the story and gotten no where. So...when she calls me back, I will tell it again. Hopefully it will get me somewhere.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Relaxing Weekend

It's been a quiet Sunday afternoon. Savannah has the flu. Yesterday we had Amara & Trent's bday party at our house. It was fun! After the party Darnell's mom brought over " A Christmas Carol" to watch..Savannah fell asleep then woke up saying her stomach hurt. I figured she ate too much junk, then she went to bed, then she woke up and asked for a puke bucket, lol, then she fell asleep again. Within a few minutes sure enough she was filling up the bucket. Gross I know...I am praying no one else gets it. I am thinking it's still from what Isaiah and Darnell had last weekend.

Yesterday Darnell & I baked christmas cookies! First, I had to go to the store, when I got home he had started cleaning out the cupboards, something I have been wanting to do for MONTHS!!! It was one of those things that I just never got around to doing and now it's done! We threw away a bunch of pots and pans we don't use that were old. Then I made molasses cookies, peanut butter balls, grapenut bread and Darnell made the dough for Peanut butter cookies. Very productive day! Today I got most of the laundry done! Yay for me, haha..

Thursday, December 10, 2009

MUCH better mood!!!

Today my mood has improved considerably since my last blog...good Lord was I a whiner, lol!!! I still don't have anything done on my list, I still haven't done anywhere near what I want to around the house, however I am ok with

The thought has occured to me that this last few months, God has allowed this time during the day, even w/ Isaiah home, for me to rest and regroup. After this year and all the trials we have dealt with, by the end of August I truly felt like I was going to suffocate. I really don't know how I was able to even get up in the morning. The Grace of God. That's how I got out of bed. I have a hard time of not putting too many expectations on myself. I also have had some real physical issues. My anemia is worse than I originally thought.. the normal iron levels are 30-110, mine was 14, which explains the extreme fatigue, adds to depression and just really puts a wrench in my plans. MY plan was that Isaiah would be in school full time, well that didn't happen so I had to adjust my plans. Well abort them completely really. I have sorta come to the realization that God has provided this time for me to rest. Yes, the mother of 4 has the right to rest. I struggle w/ that. However if I don't rest, don't start feeling better, for my family's sake, I will be of no help to them. Why is it so hard for mom's to take care of themselves. At the rate of sounding, well I don't know what it will sound like, but I really don't care, but after the last few years actually, I feel I am due an adequate amount of time to heal. Having a child w/ disabilities wipes you out. Having 2 kids w/ disabilites really can wipe you out. We are blessed that Haley is doing well. As a mom, as I have said before, things could change for her in the blink of an eye. Thankfully God has given me peace. We are aware that she could need surgery pretty much at any time if something decides to shift w/ how they have her bladder and all that set up. But I don't live in fear of that. That is a real miracle. Isaiah's issues right now have wiped me out in every area of my life. As a stay at home mom I put unrealisitic expectations on myself, then proceed to beat myself up for not keeping up...It's all just a vicous cycle that I am slowly learning to work my way out of. My husband is so supportive.. he gets it, he realizes that I sometimes need space, I need a break maybe more than I normally would and as hard as he works, he still manages to do everything he can to make things easier. WOW I am blessed. Christmas is 2 weeks away. It's hard to believe! I can't say that I am not thrilled to say goodbye to 2009, I am looking forward to the future. We are sooo blessed. We have a big beautiful home ( minus the hideous wallpaper, lol) 4 beautiful kids that are wonderful, supportive family and friends..Those are things that matter at the end of the day. God is good.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


I will be quite honest..I am pms'ing...bad! I'm a craby b*tch!!! I got my laptop back today though.
I wonder if other stay at home mom's feel the following feelings:
inadequate about not doing things
feel like your mind just doesn't stop
like you will NEVER get all the things on your "list" done....EVER
feel like the days just run into each other..

I just have tons of feelings of inadequacy( can't spell it) I am tired of feeling irritated about EVERYTHING!!!!!
You know another thing that ticks me off? SNOW! WINTER!!! I hate it all. I don't give a rip about snowmen or change of seasons blah blah blah.. I hate being cold, I hate my feet getting wet from the snow, I hate driving in the snow, I hate even more..balled up snow pants, and socks and gloves and all the mess that goes w/ the kids playing outside, then proceeding to track all that lovely snow into my house so i can step in a nice lump of snow therein making my feet cold and wet!!! get my point? None of that is the least bit appealing to me. I like the *look* of the outside when it first snows, however I don't need to to see it first hand, that's what pictures are for! So here I am hating WI, being crabby and blogging about it.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Good Weekend

I am the mother of a teenager. WOW!!! I can not belive how fast the time has gone! When Jeremiah was born I thought it would take forever for him to even get to be 5, now he's twice that and more! He's an awesome kid. I just can't say enough about how proud I am of him! It's like I am trying to savor every girls are growing so fast..they are smart and beautiful.. really really beautiful!! Isaiah is still my baby. Yesterday morning he still wasn't feeling good and he just cuddled up with for the longest time. Those moments are priceless. Our house is so cozy and all decorated! I love it. I feel very blessed. Darnell is sick today..poor guy! Joanie took the kids today which was a nice break, then her girls came over here. They are hilarious!!! We were listening to all 4 girls play, they were playing pretend, it was so freaking funny. Amara sounded JUST like Savannah. It's so precious to hear them play. Isaiah and Tamiah are two peas in a pod. It's so special, especially since Isaiah hasn't ever really bonded w/ anyone else other than his siblings. Having Tamiah as his best friend is so sweet. Well I am off to relax. It's been a good weekend, I wish it wasn't over already. We are supposed to get a ton of snow..yuck. I really don't like winter. I really want a vacation. soon..

Friday, December 4, 2009

Jeremiah's 13th bday party

We had J's 13th bday party tonight. I am sort of in shock that he is already this old. Time has gone by so fast, yet when I look back, so much has happened/changed since he was born! We were 18 and 19 and married w/ a baby!! Now my baby is a teenager! We got him a cell phone for his bday! He is sooo excited!! I never thought we'd get him one this young, however now that he's getting older and doing more things I like knowing I can get a hold of him and he can always get ahold of us. Grandma Hoagie got him an authentic Favre Jersey, he is sooo excited about that too. Haley made him the sweetest card, it was just precious. He also got a years sports illustrated subscription from grandma Wasik which he loves because it's like getting a present every month!! My house is clean! Darnell did an awesome job and cleaned like crazy! We have the house so nicely decorated and cozy. Darnell started the laundry and I'm going to finish it. It feels good to have everything feel right. It's that time of year that you reflect on what you have. Soceity makes it all about what you want and should get, however after the year we've had, I am soooo thankful for what I have. My family is outstanding and supportive and loving and accepting and has been w/ us every step of the way! I have a husband who in my opinion is exceptional. He puts up w/ alot from me, lol, yet still loves me just the way I am and doesn't expect me to change. I am still fighting this depression crap, some days oare great, like today, some are not. I started my iron pills a week ago. My iron level was 14 when the normal is 30-110, so obviously mine was extremely low. I go back in a month for blood work to see if the iron pills are helping. So far, I don't feel much difference, but I figure I've been severly anemic for so long, it's going to take a bit for it to take affect. I will be glad to finally not be so exhausted. The Wisconsin cold weather is officially here... I hate it!! I really do. I like maybe one really good snowfall and I'm good to go. I have been taking Vitamin D pills to help w/ the lack of vitamin D we midwesterners get in the winter. Well I'm going to bed...In a quiet house!!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Venting sorta

Well I haven't blogged in awhile..we got the tree up and decorated outside, we put up icicle lights and it looks so nice. The kids are excited. We put the tree up and the house feels so cozy. Thanksgiving was good, I can't believe how fast this year has gone. I started my iron pills, YAY!! I am still concerned about my blood sugars, they have been high and shouldn't be. I am hoping it is not diabetes, however my odds aren't good. But we'll see. My issues w/ depression have been so-so. Some days I feel great, others I feel like crap. Yesterday I stayed in bed pretty much all day. I was so tired and slept on and off all day. I am realizing that I have the choice over how my mood is going to dictate my day. I could be going to the Y more, I could be doing so much more, yet I don't. THis is the time of year that we all reflect on the events of the year past. 2009 pretty much sucked. It's been roller coaster after another. Everything w/ Isaiah has spun my head around so many times, and I wonder why I am depressed. Isaiah's issues are so complicated in so many ways...the unknown of what his future holds scares me. He is home and should be in school, he is delayed in so many areas. There are days that his behavior makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry...there are days that his smile lites up the room. THe ups and downs sometimes are just soo much. I know for a fact God has sustained me, If not I surely would have been admitted to the psych ward months ago, lol...I am blessed in so many come I can't thrive on that? I guess it's a day to day choice. I wanted to be in clinicals by now, on my way to becoming a nurse, I wanted Isaiah to be thriving in first grade and my life is not that at all. I have 2 kids that have disabilities, Haley is doing well but there is always that little voice in my head that reminds me that at any point things could drastically change for her, and she could need surgery. However, I know what we've gone thru w/ her and survivied, I have no doubt God would see us thru anything. I guess I'm just rambling...good thing to do right before you go to sleep...

Friday, November 27, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I cannot belive that it's Thanksgiving already. Well technically it's over now. but you get the picutre! We went to mom's for the first half of the our day. It was great! The kids had a blast, Darnell tore up mom's sweet potatoes and we enjoyed each other's company. When we were driving to mom's, I saw this young woman walking and I've seen her walking before. I"m no expert, but I have a feeling she's a drug addict. She always looks strung out, and just has that look about her, unkempt clothes, greasy hair...It made me feel so bad for her and all the others out there that don't have families to go to on holidays. It gives you a new perspective. I don't know how I could ever help her, except pray for her.
I am especially thankful for my hubby and kids this year. It's been one heck of a year. Probably one of the most challenging! I survived though, by the grace of God! I have a husband who does everything he can to help w/ Isaiah, our 3 other kids are well behaved, fun loving kids. Darnell and I were up in our room watching tv and the kids were downstairs playing, the giggling and laughter just lit the whole house up! I don't think there is a better sound than the hearing the laughter of your children! Even though it's been a rough year, I've had to put school on hold, I can't work, but God has provided for us! I am able to stay home and do what needs to be done. Tomorrow we are going to start getting the house decorated for Christmas! I'm excited, last year I was working so much I barely had time to enjoy the season..This year I plan on baking and making our home cozy and inviting and full of hte Christmas spirit. I am off to bed now.. my eyes are VERY heavy!! Time for bed.. while Darnell and Joanie are out at Toys R us starting the black friday craziness. No thanks, I'll stay in my comfty warm jammies and bed!! Happy Thanksgiving!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

foul mood

I am admittedly in the most foul mood lately. You know how you try to talk yourself out of it? Well it isn't working...Isaiah has had a rough week, I called the Dr and he upped one of his meds. His in home teacher started this week, that went great. But I am just tired of his fits and and screaming episodes...Of course I tell myself, give it to God, accept it, learn how to not let it get to me...yeah that's not happening, at least not this week. I know things could always be worse....
I worked out 1 day this week. I should go to the Y today, but I don't see it really want to drop some weight and I need to get back in the swing of things....I'm not going to write anymore cuz I'll just be complaining and whining and why waste the time??

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Productive day

We joined the YMCA again! I'm excited. We were able to get the united Way scholarship so we don't have to pay an arm and a leg, Thank God! I went yesterday and got a great workout in. 30 min on the treadmill and 35 min on the elipitical, then some leg exercises on the machines. It felt good. Today Isaiah's home teacher came today. Isaiah did really well. It was a nice 2 hrs. I got my cornflake chicken all ready, all I have to do is pop it in the oven, I boiled the red potatoes, all I have to do is add some butter and seasonings and heat it up. Then I made pumpkin bread. I am on a roll! And I cleaned the bathrooms, the chore I hate the most!!!! Feels good to get so much accomplished in one morning. And I am almost caught up on my laundry! I am feeling very thankful for my home, for my family. Yesterday evening was yucky for me, I felt lazy and just had no energy. Darnell brought home the movie "UP" and we had a movie night on a school on a school night, the kids were stoked! I fell asleep half way thru! I was asleep before 9, lol. So tonight, I will have made a nice dinner, good dessert and feel like I am a productive stay at home mom. Jen & Kenton's daughter Annabelle is still in the hospital, she has fluid around her heart as a result from the heart surgery she had last month. I feel so bad for them. I know how they feel. I always feel funny saying that, Haley's condition wasn't life threatening, but it was still just as scary and stressful. I know that feeling of tryiing to juggle it all and still keep your head on straight. I have been praying like crazy that these issues will clear up for Annabelle and they will be able to have both girls home and healthy!

Friday, November 13, 2009


Tonight I went out w/ Ruth, Vanessa (and her hubby Wally) & Jaymee for Vanessa's birthday. We went to Raytown Roadhouse. Didn't even know it was downtown, lol..they have a mechanical bull, lol, The music was country, which I like, but the newer country, not the old stuff, lol.. It was fun and it was nice to hang out w/ Ruth Vanessa and Jaymee! It's so weird, we've all known each other since we were so young, now we are all mom's. We are in our 30's *gasp* !!! We got approved for the United Way scholarship for the YMCA so we are renewing our membership tmrw! I am looking forward to working out again. When I used to go, I was in good shape, 25lbs lighter and healthier w/ more energy. I would love to lose like 50+ lbs, but I need to be realistic, lol... I guess I'll just see how it goes. On this friday night it's so funny because I went out, was home by 10, and despite the depression I've been dealing with and all the ups and downs, I like my life. I love my house, I love being a wife and a mom. I probably complain a lot, but in reality, I wouldn't want it any other way. I have a husband who adores me, seriously. Not to sound sassy or whatever, Darnell loves me and shows me in so many different ways. I love how he loves me and our kids. I love being a mom, I love that I can tell what one of my kids is going to say before they say it, then they say, "MOM! how did you know I was going to say that?" LOL, I think it's awesome how God has equipped mothers w/ intiution and wisdom and just the ability to juggle it all. As much as I complain, when it comes down to it, for everything one thing I piss and moan about, I have more blessings than I could ever count! I am blessed. Well I am getting sleepy, time to go to sleep!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


I am crabby.. trying really hard not be but that just seems to make it worse. I have had a few bumps in the road w/ Isaiah. I'm home all day every day w/ him. He's getting bored which leads to a tantrum. I am not creative enough to entertain this boy all day long. I have to make appts for occuptational thearpy and check into the constiptation clinic too. It never ends..I'm thankful that God has allowed me the wisdom( some times, lol) to do all this, but honestly, I am weary.

My 2nd reason for being crabby is that I want a dog. Because we don't own our home, we have a land contract we need permission. With all the respect in the world to the owners of our home, we are paying the mortage, home owners insurance and taxes. To me, I feel like we should be able to have a dog if we want to. But I am tyring very had to just be relaxed about this, allow God to do his thing. I'm not good w/ this whole patience thing, lol..I just really want a dog. It honestly would do sooo much for my mental and emotional state of mind. Sounds like just another reason to get a dog, but most people that know much about dogs know how thearputic dogs can be. I really could use that. So.. I'm done whining. Moving on to prayng and working on staying positive.. easier said than done, but not impossible.

Saturday, November 7, 2009


I have some kind of vertigo, inner ear infection..something funky going on making me SOOOO dizzy!!! If I don't feel better in the morning I may go into the walk in clinic. I don't really want to, but I can't function feeling the way I do. Darnell's home and has tmrw off too so I can rest. The only time I don't feel dizzy is when I'm in one spot, not moving. Not so easy w/ 4 kids.
I am soo happy we are renewing our Y membership. I think part of my foul mood lately has to do w/ the fact that I am home every day all day w/ Isaiah. I suppose I could go visiting...but I've had sick kids home on and off, so the last few weeks that really wasn't an option. I really want to make more of an effort to make it to Nikki's more.. to hang out w/ her of course and to snuggle the girls. I love them soo much.. they are so precious!

I also decided that I need to carve out one on one time w/ each of my kids. TIme is flying, Jeremiah will be a teenager in a month. It truly makes me want to cry. However, I am so proud of the young man he is becoming. Today he went out to church w/ Uncle Chuck for the men's work day, Uncle Chuck said J worked so hard and some of hte other men commented on what a good job he did. That's my boy!! I am extremely blessed to have such a wonderful son. I felt like bragging on him today. I intend to do the same for my other kids in future blogs. I feel each kid deserves their own blog! lol..Well I am off to bed... I took some motion sickness medication to help w/ the dizziness, it's making me sleepy! Good Night!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

part 2..sorta..

I woke up feeling about the same. I am sure it's not the "flu" that's going around. I did call my Dr to make an appt to get blood work done and get this anemia taken care of. My mom made me do it, lol...I have not felt "good" in months.. always tired, lots of headaches... most of it I thought was just from everything going on w/ Isaiah and that is a big part of it. However, I had gastric bypass 5 years ago and I haven't taken my vitamins like I should. So hopefully I can get this taken care of. We are renewing our membership next week at the Y!! I'm so excited. I was a working out fool when we went there, plus it's sooo good for the kids. The teacher that is going to come to our house is starting on Monday. My aunt Linda has an antique desk we can borrow for him. I'm excited. I am hoping he will cooperate. I think being at home, in his own surroundings and having a one on one teacher will hopefully go well for him.
I read over my last blog, and I really feel strongly about getting over feeling guilty about everything! My whole life I have spent worrying about what others think, it's soooo tiring. Now, even if I look as if I am "going off the beaten path" as far as church goes, to set the record straight, I am chosing to listen to God. My life is quite different than most I'd say, I have different issues I deal with. So.. if I don't make it to church, it's between me and God. My children are not going to be traumatized for life... I want them to have a realtionship w/ God, not a feeling of obligation to go to church. I've seen soooo many old friends leave the church and never look back, kids that came from Godly homes. But honestly, I think they might have felt how I do...and alot of people don't understand that, they just judge you. I realize I have rambled, but like I said before, it's my blog, if you don't like it don't read it, haha. For real though, that's truly how I feel. I am trying to get to a point in my life where I can feel the freedom of knowing that I'm at a great place w/ God and whatever that looks like is what it looks like. I don't want to be part of hte cookie cutter christians. I am so happy my kids enjoy church and I will do what I can when I can to make sure they are involved. My kids are awesome. The other day I was in a FOUL mood, I was snapping at them.. all that. At the end of the night I went into their rooms and apologized to each of them and asked them to forgive me. They did, with NO hesitation. If only adults were like that!! My children are so brings tears to my eyes just thinking about each of them and how unique each of the are, how close they are to each other. I am blessed. I will not take that for granted, ever!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

100th Blog!

Well I guess this is my 100th blog since I started it. hmmm.. guess that means I have a lot to say? or complain & whine about? lol... I have a fever and feel like crap. I'm glad Darnell's off the next 4 days...with all these flu's going around, I don't know if I'll wake up fine or worse. I was feeling very guilty about the kids not making it to church tonight ( Jeremiah went, but not the other kids) Guilt is a feeling that I am finding has a real hold over me. I feel guilty about everything, things that I do, don't do, should've done, shouldn't have done, etc...It has been brought to my attention by some very wise women that guilt is not from God. God can convict us, there is a difference. God did not plan for me to live a life filled w/ all this guilt. Our soceity, the church today, ( in MY opinion) has drilled it into our heads that if we don't go to church at all, you are a heathen. If you go but miss church, you are backsliding. If you have an alcholoic drink, you have completely gone off the deep end.. so many rules. Granted, a lot of them are good, they keep us from temptation and are for our own good. However, when you get to the point that you feel guilty about everything, somethings wrong. And it's not about pointing a finger to anyone/thing, rather ME specifically allowing the guilt to creep in and I end up feeling like crap about most everything. Then there is the whole, if you decide to do things differently, you are a radical.. you are a super spiritual nut...whatever, all because you chose to follow a different path. But that path is headed the same direction~ a realationship w/ God. Why are we so quick to judge others when on the outside it looks like we are walking away from God, but in reality we are walking right into his arms. So, I am learning (still) to listen to God, not guilt. This life can be so complicated, but I think we make it more complicated than it ever needed to be. I have been trying to make things more simple, quieter. The other day I left the TV off all day, I played some CD's, but it was just nice. I've always been one that even if I'm not watching TV, I have it just for the noise. Now, I am learnig the sweet sound of silence. Having 4 kids probably has NOTHING to do with it, haha...Well I feel yucky, I need to rest.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Productive Monday

It's Monday again, which I was very happy b/c that meant the kids went back to school. Either my fuse is getting shorter, or they are getting, well I'll be kind, they are getting to be harder to put up with. Yesterday I was ready to SNAP!! Every time I turn around it's "MOM" the level they say/yell that varies, but it almost always involves a tattletale of some kind, whining etc.. you get the picture. Now.. Jeremiah is on Facebook, Haley is on facebook ( all closely monitored of course) but if I hear ONE MORE TIME ...." Mom, can I go on the computer?" Aside from starbucks and my phone, I will w/ no shame, well maybe a little, that this laptop is my lifeline. And now I have children invading in on my space. AHHHHHHHHH!!! Thankfully we have an older laptop that wasn't working, but now is, so they each get their time and I told them if they fight at ALL, I will shut it all down, no matter who's fault it is. Nipping the whole " she did this or that" in the bud.
I got a lot done today! This morning I was lazy for awhile, but once I got in the shower and got moving, I felt good. I actually wore real clothes, not sweats, put on some make up and did my hair. Isaiah and I went to the library, he got some picture books, I got him some alphabet books and some flash cards that we already ran thru once. He did really well. I am trying to incoroporate as much learning as I can w/o him really realizing it. When I got home I decided on a whim to paint the porch stairs and they look pretty good. Makes the porch look finished. In the spring we will deal w/ the replacement wood for underneath the porch, those spokes on either side of the bottom of of the porch. I changed meds and I am really wondering if my energy level has increased because of it. I haven't felt the strong need to just lay around. I still do to some extent, but I am actually getting stuff done. Tonight Savannah took a shower, I did her hair, she brushed her teeth and showed me the proper way to wash her hands, the way they taught them at school.. Haley read one whole chapter book tonight. It was about 60 pages or so and she finished in an hour. If she's isn't just like I'm glad it's something she enjoys. Well I need to go to bed.. eyes are very droopy.. my body aches..

Friday, October 30, 2009

Teeth pulled!

I got my teeth pulled yesterday..well 2 back molars on the right side. Thank God they knocked me out to do it!! So much less traumatic than being awake. The pain meds are good..haha. My mouth is sore, but not nearly the kind of pain like before!! Tomorrow is Halloween. The kids are excited to go trick or treating. Darnell is excited for all the candy they are going to get haha. I have been sleeping most of the day. Darnell had the flu this week, today is the first day he's felt normal. I am hoping the rest of us don't get it. I have been feeling the urge to shop and rearrange. Too bad I don't have any money and nothing really to rearrange..I guess I thought I had more rolling around in my head than I do, hahaha

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

What a week!

What a week it has been. Isaiah had the flu last week. I have had a headache for over a week from the 2 molars I am getting pulled. Now Darnell is sick. He's got the flu I think but he was too stubborn to come home from work today. I know he's got our family's well being at the forefront of his mind, and I respect that, I just don't like seeing him sick and being miserable. On a different note I took Isaiah to Dr. Callaghan yesterday. It was a good visit. He's keeping him on the same meds which have helped extremely! He suggested we seriously consider homeschooling Isaiah. Drop a load of bricks on me why dontcha? I mean seriously, the ONE thing I SWORE I never would do,is homeschool. I am NOT a teacher. I don't have the natural knack to teach. Especially try and teach my child, who I am about 95% sure has a learning disability that has not yet been nailed down. How do you teach a child w/ something like that? I will be the first to admit I have just about ZERO patience when it comes even to homework help. Most of the time the way it rolls in our house is " Just wait till Dad gets home, He can help you!" LOL... sad but true. I have just gotten over endless months of physcially wrestling w/ Isaiah almost on a daily basis, right now I am moving thru all the dang emotional crap that goes along w/ that. Isaiah has become affectionate again towards me, he's loving and kind to me. Vast difference from just 2 months ago. So I don't want to start this homeschooling thing and have it turn into another battle. I don't want to be at war w/ my son. So.. I have contacted the advocate and also the school is getting the ball rollling for home bound school-which is like 4 hrs of schooling at our house a week. They send a teacher out. I know what it boils down to is~ Trust God.

Yesterday I made an awesome dinner-chx stroganoff in the crockpot. The kids loved it!!! We had it again for leftovers and they didn't even complain. I got alot of cleaning done which I feel good about. Darnell and I had a real heart to heart last week. Basically me telling him that as I go thru this healing process, I am so sorry that I am not being the wife I know I should be. My counselor validated the fact that what I've dealt w/ in the last 2 years or so, is simply something that takes time to deal w/. For me it brought on a pretty bad depression. So know I have to focus on letting God heal me from the inside out. When I'm feeling lazy and Darnell is doing alot around the house, Darnell has made it clear that he's not doing it w/ a crabby attitude. He gets tired of course, but he knows right now I need him to fill in the gap. Let's face it, as a stay at home mom, as a woman I have my own expectations of what I should be doing. Having to ask for help is hard. Darnell has NEVER said one deregotory(spelling?) thing to me about this. So.. I need to count my blessings and look at this season in my life as a healing time for me. Some days I kick butt around the house and he comes home and is shocked, lol, other days he comes home and I am completely wiped out and haven't done hardly anything. I am praising God for a husband who can handle he tells me I'm not spoiled, just well taken care of. Indeed, I am well taken care of!!!

I let Haley get a facebook account today. I was hesitant, but I figure as long as we are monitoring it, she can enjoy it and I can make sure everything is on the up and up w/ her being on the internet. At this point, she's extremely innocent, which means I will be very cautious w/ her friends on FB, she has limited time on the computer anyways. I will be getting my molars removed on Thursday. Thank God they are knocking me out to do it, lol...I can't wait. I have been in soo much pain. After my mouth heals I'll have impressions taken to replace the pulled teeth. Once that is all done, the teeth that have been pulled will all be replaced. I can't wait!!! I will feel SOO much better about myself. My ice chewing habit is coming to a screeching hault. bummer. I do love to chew ice. Stupid I know, but it is what it is. Well I realize I have rambled on quite a bit..but it's my blog, so I can do that, LOL

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Nice Weekend

It's Sunday night, it was a decent weekend. The weather was gorgeous! Yesterday we got a ton done outside, the kids kicked butt helping w/ the yard. Haley cleaned EXACTLY the way I would have! Jeremiah is sooo quick to ask if I need help, savannah provides comic relief while we work, LOL...She helps, she would rather play :)
Darnell baked and cooked up a storm the past week. I am very blessed w/ my family. I woke up this morning in a FOUL mood. The kids kinda were really squirrely and thankfully my mom releived me and picked them up. They had a blast at her house, played and played, came home FILTHY!! They all had showers and at the end of the day they smelled like outside, I love that smell! Now I can appreciate them more.
I am watching House Hunters and they are in Savannah, Georgia. I can't shake the urge to move, especially to Savannah, GA. I do not know what in the world that is from. For all pratical purposes moving out of state is really out of the question for us. With 2 kids w/ issues, it would be extremely difficult to deal w/ things that come up in a new city w/ no family. Not that we would even get out of Racine w/o my mom tying bricks to our feet in an effort to keep us here, lol.. I don't know if it's just my need for a change of scenery, beyond WI, the Dells.. I just really want to go down South. I need to put that in God's hands. If it is just selfish desire, I need pray that I can let it go. I am not looking forward to winter. Although I have decided to work as hard as I can to look at the things I DO like about winter, in no particular order: warm fall/winter nights inside, baking and cooking seem to happen alot during the winter months, the look of freshly fallen snow on the trees, and I will admit,, when there is a huge snow storm and everything shuts down, it sorta is exciting, a change of pace. The Holidays obviously are the best! So I need to focus on all that! Otherwise I'm going to be a whiny woman and I don't need anymore of that coming out of my mouth!! Well I have to fold laundry. Again, not my favorite thing to do, but I am trying to be positive, and take care of my family. As I have been trying to work my way thru this season in my life, I am realizing that it is ok to just deal w/ what comes my way. I can't be ashamed of the fact that I deal w/ depression, I am doing my best to be proactive about it. My counselor made a good point, I really need to let God heal me. It's not a matter of "Oh Melissa is depressed, blah blah blah..." but rather this time is a time that I need to listen to God's leading, let him heal me. Darnell has done above and beyond to make my days easier. I feel so bad, like I'm not doing my job as a wife and mom. I am realizing, after him telling me a thousand times, that he just wants to help me thru this, and since he obviously can't literally heal me from the inside out, he does what he can around the house and w/ the kids to make things run smoother. What a man. After 13 years, he still surprises me. He puts up w/ alot, he gives 150% to our family. I am so thankful for him.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The flu.. so far

Well the flu hit. Isaiah so far, Savannah's got a cold, sore throat and headache..I figured it would happen. There is only 1 thing I like about being the kids being sick, they CUDDLE!! Isaiah was so miserable ( which of course I felt so bad f or him) but he was cuddly and that part I do like. THe weather sucks, makes me dread winter even more. Oh well, nothing I can do about it. Our porch is done, just have to paint the the stairs, when it dries up for more than a day and stops raining. Darnell went to town in the kitchen tonight. He made meatball bombers, pumpkin pie and pumpkin squares!! What a man! I guess i dont have too much to say tonight that is interesting..So good night!

Monday, October 12, 2009


Well, Sat. night I couldn't sleep.. was up till past 3 a.m. I had been mulling over all kinds of things that run thru your mind in the middle of the night. THe only time of day/night when there is absolute silence in our home! I decided to email a friend of mine who has been sort of a spiritual mentor/friend for many years. her and her husband lead a Sunday night gathering..not an actual church serive, basically you show up and see what God has on the agenda. So when I got her email Sunday afternoon, saying she could COMPLTELEY relate to a lot of what I have been feeling regarding God, church, spirituaity I instantly knew that I needed to go to her house that night. I called ahead of time to see if ( a bit of vanity popping up) anyone dresses up..what's the style..whatever. Well it's come as you are. Period. Well I ended up having a few minutes to maybe throw some better clothes on ( of course I was in adidas sweats, no make up, hair not done) however God stopped me. I felt the strong sense that God didn't want me to make myself up. This is me, in my most comfortable and least attractive form, but to God, none of that matters. A little lesson in getting over myself. so.. we go. The kids were kinda like "huh" well they ended up having a BLAST! I was prayed for and over. I feel such a freedom. I have felt for sooo long that I am in a box, wrapped w/ duct tape... the box that keeps me from doing what God wants. My idea of church has always been sunday morning, wed night and if you don't do that.. you are a heathen, or a back slider, etc..However, I am learning that I am not getting what God has for me. It's no fault of my church, I am in no way disengaging myself from church, but for me, our family, Sunday mornings are now open. I am daring to step out of the box, our "church" is going to be where God is. Right now we happen to be meeting at our friends home and meeting God there. It says in the Bible that people make up the church, not the building.. Being bound to rules, and all that our world has made church to be, isn't what God intended, in my opinion. At least not all of it. It can be different and still be right. God isn't limited. So why should I be? So I am letting go of the guilt. I know this may not make sense to some, may sound crazy to others, but I challenge anyone who may come across this, to ask yourself if you are truly happy w/ your current relationship w/ God and all that entails. If you are, GREAT!! For ME, this season, is about change. I am learning new things about myself. I feel good that my kids are being exposed to different types of worship, different types of what fellowship w/ God and other christians can be. I am coming to a place that I want to be ok w/ me. Just as God created me. Who is that? Well for starters, I am a daughter to a fabulous MOM, a wife to an amazing hubby, a mother... I am not a morning person, and guess what? that's ok! I can get more done in the late evenings and night that most people can do in the a.m. I LOVE starbucks..duh, lol.. it makes me happy..what can I say. I am NOT a teacher.. I will not teach sunday school or any kind of children's class. It's not my gift. I won't apologize for that. I have a passion for nursing, for helping people in medical crisis..I have 2 disabled children. I stay home even though they are all at school. I felt VERY guilty about that, but literally right now, Isaiah isn't going to school ( whole other topic, lol) so I am and have the ability to stay home w/ him. I chew ice. That will be ending soon since I am getting my dental work done to fix my teeth. I am addicted to Facebook. I love networking, connecting w/ people. I love to take pictures, I watch the SAME movie every night to fall asleep. Right now, my movie of choice has been "you've got Mail" All of this is who I am. Take me or leave me. I have a LONG way to go.. I am also dealing w/ depression due to all the traumatic events that have happened the last year w/ Isaiah. So some days, like today I feel GREAT, other days..not so hot. I am learning that I need to let God heal me from the inside out. So maybe it's not quite a depression... rather a healing period. I'm not going to fight it. I like to blog. some think it's weird, again, I don't care. It's theraputic for me. I don't want to hide behind anything. It does take some guts to put this all out there, I guess I have the guts. It forces me to break the tape in my head that's been running for years that tells me" what will people think?" well in blogging, I am in a way smushing that! haha. I want my children to see a mom that loves them sooooo much, that cares what God thinks, not the world. So this is a start. I am done for tonight.. spilled my guts! feels good. God is good. better than good!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Freaky friday, lol

It's Friday. Darnell is off. Last night I was asleep by 9 and slept until almost 11 this morning. I haven't been feeling the greatest, my tooth that needs to be pulled is causing me trouble, I called my dentist's office and the dentist himself called me back and said it sounds like there's an abscess, so he called in pain meds and antibotic. An abscess would explain the low grade fever I've had. I went on Savannah's field trip yesterday w/ her to Discovery World. It was fun. She is such a fun girl. Her good friend that she's always talked about went too of course and so did her mom, which worked out great because we got to talk and exchange numbers so now I feel completely comfortable letting Savannah go to her friends house. Sometimes it just kills me that they are getting older but it's also fun to see them grow and experience new things. My girls have a unique bond, literally like twins. To see Savannah branching out a bit is good. And Haley has too. But yet they are still so tight! I hope and am pretty sure they will always be so close. Haley has taken on the mama roll lately, especially w/ Isaiah. It amazes me how much my kids look out for each other. Last night they were all in the living room and they were CRACKING UP and playing, it was music to my ears. When Darnell is home, lol, it's even louder!! I feel incredibly blessed to have kids that love each other, they don't fight like a lot of siblings, they have their days, but on the whole, they get along famously. Darnell LOVES playing w/ them. God has truly blessed us. Monday is our 13th wedding anniversary. WOW...way back then life seemed so big and scary ( sometimes it still does, lol) but we have had a lot of good things happen and our fair share of not so good things happen. Haley being born w/ bladder exstrophy, 13 surgeries, Isaiah and his issues, but God is still good. Honestly, part of me wants to go back to all the people that thought we were making a mistake and say to them HA!! we have made it! 13 years later, we still love each other, our kids are amazing! But now that I'm older I realize that from other people's perspective, we were SOOOO young, having a baby, no did seem probably like a bad idea. But I wasn't going to not have Jeremiah and not live w/ Darnell. There's no way my mom would have let me live w/ him w/o being married. Even though I was 19, she wouldn't have approved. And we wanted to be married. I'm so happy we did get married. Darnell is awesome. I love him so much and I am thankful for the life I have w/ him.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Great weekend!

Yesterday we went to Party on the Pavement downtown. It was a great day!! You can tell Racine is a small town.. every time we turned around we saw someone we knew. It was so much fun! The kids ( well not Jeremiah) got their faces was a bit chilly but all around a great day!!! Friday night Darnell ripped up the dining room carpet! The floors look good. They need to be sanded and restained and all that, but it's a HUGE step up from the stained carpet! I have been feeling better. I go up and down. It's like one minute all I want to do is sleep and then the next I am ready to go...I heard somewhere that depression is as real as cancer. It makes sense. But not to everyone. I at least feel somewhat validated. What we've gone thru w/ Isaiah is very the emotions and all that most people don't or may have a hard time relating to. Isaiah's doing much better, which I am soo thankful for. But I won't apologize anymore for being who I am.. which is: an emotional person, a mom who doesn't just let things roll off my back, a mom who has seen my son go thru so much that he didnt' have any control over, nor did I. I am not having a pity party, it just is what it is. It was the same w/ Haley. You don't watch your child suffer and not have a ton of emotions that run thru you. I am thankful for a supportive support system. One day at a time has a new meaning.. lol.. it's not just for alcoholics, lol...On a different note, the porch is coming along. What a relief to know it will be all done. I have a lot to be thankful for. Darnell is...there just aren't words sometimes for how much I appreciate him. He spoils me when I don't deserve it, he supports me, loves me..what more could I ask for. Next week is our 13 yr wedding anniversary! WOW...I think my favorite thing is watching him w/ our kids. I guess b/c I didn't have a dad, seeing him interact w/ our kids is truly amazing. God really has anointed Darnell. He's so good w/ kids. And our kids worship him, lol...well I need to get myself moving...Jules is coming over and we are going to hang out and watch a movie!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Being transparent??

I have been thinking about my blog and exactly what to share, what's TMI, should I be so transparent..and I've decided that people dont' get anywhere hiding behind things. I don't really hide behind much. It's no secret that this last year has been hell for our family. Thru the grace of God, we are all still in one piece. Emotionally though, I feel quite..oh what's the word? I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Having to deal w/ the emotional reprecutions of what we have experienced. I struggle w/ not wanting to throw a pity party, but not denying the fact that I truly am struggling. I am seeing a christian counsleor...good thing! He basically validated that it's no wonder I am in a depression of sorts. Depression is as real as cancer or heart disease. My mind tells me one thing, well a million things and what I "should" do...and getting myself to follow thru is a whole other story..My thearpist said to stay away from the "shoulds" of life, I should do this or that or the other.. basically I am setting myself up to fail. So I am starting small, making small goals for myself. I am trying my very best to get thru this. Darnell is fabulous in helping me thru.. he realizes that he can't fix it but he supports me, encourages me and doesn't critize me. I say to myself, quite a bit actually..."well Melissa, you are home all could be doing a million things" yet some days I get very little done. My therapist told me to make a small list, things that are on the easier end of what I need to do and work my way from there. Sounds like a plan. takes the guilt out of the equation. On the up side, our porch is getting re done!! It's falling into place and this time next week it should be done ( depending on the weather).. that is a HUGE relief in itself. well I am falling asleep.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Chilly Monday Morning

I have Haley home today w/ what I think may be the flu. She went to bed last night w/ a bad stomache...woke up still feeling yucky. Yesterday was a great day. Darnell was off, so we went to church, as a family for the first time in a long time. I am soo very thankful that Darnell has a job, but I wish he was off on Sundays. But for now it's ok. We went to the RFKC picnic and had a great time. Then we went to the Willoughby's for pizza on the grill! That was awesome! We had such a great time! This morning I dropped Isaiah off at school earlier, before I dropped J off. We are going to see if this will work. With him going at 10;20 he's missing all of his reading, which he desperately needs to be in. So.. I am praying he will continue to be excited to go in early. Still can't get him on the bus, but I don't mind bringing him. It's progress in the right direction!! I'm feeling good today! I have a wonderful family, wonderful friends...God is GOOD!!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Savannah's new glasses

It's Friday, Darnell was off today. I slept almost all day. I got up and took a shower and then took Savannah to get her new glasses. They are purple and she got a "that's so raven" pink case for them. She looks adorable. She cracks me up. Some of the things that come out of her mouth.. I swear she's going to be a stand up comedian some day. I am still struggling w/ this "funk" I just can't get motivated. We got Isaiah's room put together. We got him a Packers comforter set..looks so cool. I have to say he's been so much better lately. He comes up and hugs me, gives me kisses and tells me he loves me. He just didn't do that before hardly at all. I see my therapist on Wednesday. It's a good thing. I can barely stand myself and how I have a million thoughts runnning thru my head yet don't do a single thing. SOOOO frustarting.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


I didn't feel good at ALL today, I dropped Isaiah off at school early b/c it was picture day. That was soo nice. I can't wait till he's in a regular class all day. I came home and basically slept on and off all day...I took the kids to church and Darnell picked them up. I feel so blah. I also am sick to death of hearing myself saying that..haha. I get bursts of energy but this depression/funk whatever just is hard to work thru. I have an appt. next Wednesday night w/ my psychologist. I need a voice of reason ( other than those close to me) that can be objective. Right now, I'd rather just be left alone and sleep all the time...I am feeling very guilty for not being more involved w/ the kids. Darnell seems to have endless energy or he is jsut able to push thru and I can't. I feel bad about that too. I chew ice like a freaking fool.. I see the oral surgery tmrw for a consultation about getting 2 more molars pulled and then my regular dentist will replace all the teeth that have been pulled. That alone will be such a relief. I don't want to be a whiner. Just honest. real. I do make a conscious effort to see all the positives in my life. I also realize I set unrealistic goasl for myself, then don't meet them and beat myself up over it. gotta work on that. Well I need to sign off.. too tired to type anymore

Monday, September 21, 2009

My husband

My Husband. Darnell Wayne Hoaglund. He is like none other. He loves despite my many imperfections..he sees something in me that I don't see.. the good and the bad and loves me...even likes me... still. There are not many men like him. Someday, hopefully there will be 2 more like him, our 2 sons. They have an excellent example. He's self-less, always puts others before himself, remembers all the little things, does spontaeous things to surprise me, plays w/ our kids even when he's dog tired! I love him more than I can put into words!!!

Different subject... I WISH I was OCD or a perfectionist.. maybe that would motivate me to clean my house the way I want, get all the little things done I want to get done. Neat freaks aren't lazy. I'm not always lazy, but have been feeling very lazy lately. I guess all this time on my hands gets my mind am thankful for God's mercy and grace. Till next time.............

Not Me Monday!!

Not me Monday is a mom's chance to admitt some of our short comings as mothers, be real about all the imperfections about motherhood! So here goes!

~ I did not allow my son to eat a popsicle AGAIN for breakfast so I wouldn't have to fight w/ him...I mean it probably has less sugar than a pop tart right? That was my reasoning and it works for us!
I would never allow my self expressive 9 year old daughter walk out the door in a an unmatching, stained outfit that even her 12 yr brother questioned..nope not me... I definately would NOT take a picture of it!!!
Can you image a mother that would time her son as to how long it takes to run upstairs to get something SHE forgot just so she didn't have to go get it herself? I can't imagine it either!!!!!!!!

Well that's all I got for

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Saturday, but felt like Sunday!

So today Darnell went to Madison w/ Ivan to the big Badger game. They got some VIP treatment I guess, lol.. it was nice for them to have the day to get away. The kids slept over at Joanie's so I woke up to a completely empty house! 9:30...I used to sleep to at least 11 if no one woke me up...Anyways I laid around for awhile then went & indulged in my 2 obsessions, Starbucks and O&H croissants. When I got home, I ate and took a nap! SOOO nice! I know I have the days free ( sorta) buy today I didn't have to take anyone to school, no running around, just me. Felt weird. When we picked up the kids we dropped Isaiah prescription off and had a half hour to kill, so we went to Shopko to get Banna some shoes. Oh LORD! I shoulda taken a pic of her pouty face...This girl was overtired, crabby and indecesive. I know how she feels, she's A LOT like me when it comes to I actually will pat myself on the back b/c I was quite patient w/ her trying on shoes. So many shoes, so little money. Darnell doesn't QUITE get the whole concept of girls needing a couple different pairs of shoes for different outfits.. I mean you can't wear tennie's w/ a casual outfit.. you can w/ Jeans, but not an outfit w/ leggings.. you get the idea. Boys are much easier. Oh, and how you kinda need brown and black dress and or casual shoes. Between my 2 daughters, hopefully they will get GOOD babysitting jobs when the get older to suppport their fashion least they can share shoes, usually. that can sometimes lead to a blow out.. haha. So when we got home I had the girls take showers, they were FILTHY from playing outside all day! I love it when kids play outside all day on a gorgeous fall day! So after thier showers they smelled good, looked clean and comfy in their jammies. Isaiah didn't make it into the shower, he fell asleep. His room is DONE! Just have to get a blind and decorate a bit. SOOO nice to have it finsished. Thanks to my Aunt Linda who is a perfectionist and did the end of the painting. That was a HUGE blessing.

I feel like I am slowly feeling better. I have had some really good days. Isaiah's behavior chart is all done. His home thearpist, Miss Julie made it. W/ pictures and all. I could have probably done that at some point, but having someone do it so that it will benefit Isaiah is a major blessing. Tomorrow we start full force w/ implenting the first stage. He will get tokens for EVErYTHING he does well. All the little things he's suposed to do, and all the good things we see him doing. We want him to get the feeling of accomplishment. Tonight he told us that he pooped in the toilet at Aunt Joanie's, well I gave him 10 extra tokens and told him next time, if he does it and I don't have to change hime, he'll get 20 tokens! So.. I am hoping the novelty of this doesn't wear out. But it really helps me be more structured. Well I need to go, I think I may sort all my laundry so that tomorrow I can just start it.. the dishwasher is goal tmrw is to seriously SCRUB my kitchen and bathroom floors. I need to do this, it's been bugging me for awhile. Not sure if we'll make it to church. Since Isaiah spent the night at Joanie's last night, I am not sure how he will be tmrw since his schedule was shaken up a bit. It's agood thing, he loves going there, playing w/ his cousins but since his normal routine is different, I don't want to push it tmrw. We'll see. Night all!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Dirty Bathrooms

Is it just me or does it seem pointless sometimes to clean a house when you have 4 kids? As a stay at home mom and wife, thru the years I have found satisfaction in a clean house, making good meals, desserts from scratch.. all that jazz. HOWEVER, I have found that in the last few months rather than a feeling of accomplishment in the cleaning, I feel frustration and well, down right pissed off because I KNOW I will be scrubbing that very same spot in the bathrom and kitchen floor w/in days. After awhile I don't feel accomplished, I feel irritated, kids are getting old enough to do more, which we have them do. But the bathrooms, well they don't get it done quite right. I find it hard to muster up the motivation to do the same things OVER & OVER & I finally get it done, I feel good again. The joys of motherhood. It is September and I love the fall, but it also means winter is right around the corner. I absolutely HATE winter. I seriously would move down south if our families weren't all here and we didn't have 2 children w/ health issues. I never had this strong of an urge to move OUT of WI. I'm good thru Christmas, after that I would just like to hibernate. I do like the look of a fresh snow fall, how it looks at night and all that, but going out in it, driving in it. .no thanks. Well I need to bring Isaiah to school. He's on a reduced schedule. So I bring him in at 10:10, which when you look at my morning, I spend over 2 hrs doing drop offs...I am not complaining though b/c I am very happy I am getting Isaiah to school. I am waiting to hear what the school wants to do about this situation. He needs something different.. that's a whole other subject for a whole other blog, lol..At this point I am thankful he's going for at least half a day. And, to sum up my blog, although I may complain about a messy house and all that, I am thankful for my family, and that I am able to be home.

Monday, September 14, 2009


Mondays..blah...last night I was all psyched about monday because it meant kids at school, quiet house. Didn't happen. Isaiah refused to get on the bus. So I had to drop the girls I babysit for off at the bus stop. Isaiah wanted to play in the grass while we waited. I sat there watching him, twirling, smiling, tumbling in the grass w/o a care in the world. What a priceless moment. If I don't make the effort to look for those moments, I would go nuts. This afternoon didn't go well. Isaiah hasn't had an episode in a couple weeks and today he hauled off and smacked me...I HATE that. I know he doesn't get it.. but everything in me is screaming how wrong this is!! Yet there isn't anyting I can do about it....I'm trying really hard to be logical and not emotional. easier said than done. So..tonight after Darnell got home from work he took the kids to get frosty's and then me a coffee( big shocker there, lol) and he came home w/ this Starbucks jar I have been wanting that you put your coffee grounds excited! He spoils me when I don't deserve it.. he is just awesome. I went to church again yesterday! 3rd sunday out of 4!! well I don't have anything else interesting to say

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Beautiful Saturday afternoon

It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Darnell and Jeremiah are putting J's new bed together. The kids rooms are finally all coming together. I often wonder why do I blog? Just to chatter on about the regular going on's of my life, to share and be completely transparent about my life? Probably the latter. It's quite therapuetic for me. Honestly, I can admit that I am trying to work my way thru this depression or funk I've been in. Most days, I don't feel like doing anything. I find myself beating myself up about what I should be doing, what I didn't do etc... I have 4 kids, it's not fair to them to have a mom that's always bummed out. I am trying to be proactive and make my way.. I've been praying, I actually made it to church 2 out of the last 4 weeks, tomorrow will make 3 sundays. Darnell has been really good about picking up my slack. I wish I could help him understand why I feel the way I do.. however sometimes it doesn't even make sense to me. Everything w/ Isaiah has caught up to me. I think that's the bottom line. It's no one's fault, it is what it is. I am blessed in SOO many ways I see that. I just "feel" yucky most of the time. I think I am tired about even blogging about this today, lol..

Monday, September 7, 2009

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Labor Day! Darnell had to work so the kids and I went to my mom's. We were going to cook out but got lazy and ordered pizza instead. The kids played outside, it's gorgeous out today! I wish I could say I have tons of energy, however I do not. I did clean the upstairs bathroom, but I have so much I wnat to do..I am struggling to get out of this funk..I know I am capable of so much more, yet I am feel stuck. I would rather lay around and do nothing. With the kids in school I have plenty of time to get things done and I have a choice to either get stuff done, or take naps etc...I am tired of my own whining. Well it IS my blog, so I guess I can whine all I want, lol.. seriously though...I have a family, I have resposenabilites and I need to get with it. I am thinking I need to shake up my routine...the rut I am in will only change if I make a conscious effort to make some changes. I need to pray for God to give me what I need.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Well, this week has been pretty darn good. THe kids went back to school, can I get an AMEN?? LOL.. J, H & S had great days. Isaiah, not so much. He cracked a window and came barreling out the front doors w/ the principal and 2 other staff members following after.. This time I did NOT have a meltdown. Yay for me! I did however take a really long nap w/ Isaiah when we got home. I emailed the superintendent for unified stating my issues w/ RUSD, the fact that I want to have a meeting, and I will not settle for mediocore(totally spelled that wrong, lol) education just because he has a disability. I will not apologize for the fact that Isaiah's issues are not his fault. Yes, he doesn't show a lot of his episodes at school, but after the incident on the first day I am interested to see how they can justify that. he's 6 now, he NEEDS to be in the proper class so he can receive the education he's entitled to. so that's that.

I have had all this SSI stuff on my brain for entirely too long...this week it's all done and in our favor. Praise God. I am noticing God's favor in so many areas in our lives. I feel like after the summer from Hell, this fall, this new season will bring new things, better things. I firmly believe that!

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Yesterday I finally tackled Isaiah's room and painted it. It still needs some trim work and all that but it's 90% done. That's a load off. Next I am going to re paint all of our doors on the 2nd floor and the trim in the girls room. It's all white and w/ 4 kids, only so much will come off w/ scrubbing...Darnell is off for the next 3 days! YAY! After this week he will be working a lot of overtime. That's good too. It will work out that the extra days he works the kids will be in school anyways so that's nice. They go back to school in, not including today, 5 days!! Yes I am counting down. I wish I was one of those moms that could say, Oh I am going to miss them sooo much.. but I am not. I am tired of the tattling taling, whining, blah blah blah...I will however miss the good days, the laughter, the silliness, the carefree moods my kids have. This summer was awful for the most part. I will be glad to say good bye. Not to mention the weather sucked. Hardly hot, hardly any decent days to swim..which is a shame seeings we have a great pool in our backyard. But I am looking forward to fall days, going for walks, getting some stuff done around the house. Now that I am able to stay home and not feel guilty about it, I can actually have some time to myself and maybe even enjoy it! I plan on hanging out more at Nikki's and snuggling my sweet nieces.. helping my friend Jen w/ her newborn twins once they come home..getting my house organized..With all that being said, I do realize that these are my plans. I am not naive enough to think that God may have other plans for me.. so we'll see. I am praying that this next season(literally haha) will be QUIET!!!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Happy Birthday Savannah, and a bit of reflection

I got a lot done today. I even got dinner ready at like 4, which was great because all I had to do was pop it in the oven. The in home therapist came for the first time. She'll come back again next Tuesday. I FINALLY got my upstairs toilet cleaned, that's the worst part, lol.. the rest of the bathroom is a breeze. I am more than ready for school to start...I am longing to hear NOTHING for more than 5 min. I love my children dearly, however after a long summer, I am ready for silence. Tonight Haley said she was "leaking" for her that means leaking urine from down below.. for anyone else that is normal, for her, not normal, not good. She had a HUGE surgery so she'd be dry. I am not freaked out like I used to get, but I am concerned. Haley seems ok w/ it, however she is pretty good at hiding things. To have 2 kids that are legally disabled really does wear on a person. I am probably feeling it more this week because it's the end of a long, horrible, draining summer. I was telling Darnell the other night that although Isaiah is doing somewhat better, I feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome. So much as happened just this a mom, I can't just forget or get over all that has happened. How can a mom forget the screams that come from your child when you are walking away from him, leaving him in a psych ward? How do you forget seeing him have night terrors, seeing your other kids cry because they have no idea what's going on, they are torn between the anger they have every right to feel about the situation and the fear that they feel when they little brother is in and out of the hospital? All the things we have gone thru don't just go away. As a woman and mom and a very emotional, sensitive one at that, I just can't pretend all is well all the time. With Haley and Isaiah, you just never know. I am so thankful for my faith in God. With all that I feel and am dealing with I do know that God is in control. I have no doubt. I may not like what's going on, but I still have faith. I am thankful for nights like tonight when the kids are giggling, Isaiah took a bubble bath w/ his spiderman bubbles, Darnell is playing a video game w/ Jeremiah..listening to the happy laughter and squeals coming from my birthday girl Savannah. I am blessed. Despite the challenges and trials, I am blessed!!!!

Monday, August 24, 2009

Can you say "school needs to start??"

Crabby..ornery...impatient...let's see if there are any other good words to describe my mood this fine Monday night. Foul..that's a good one, lol...This afternoon I took the kids to my friend's house. The kids all played well together, us mom's got to chat..sounds good right? Well..when it was time to leave my 6yr old son decided He wasn't going home. Excuse me? You are 6...just exactly who do you think you are to tell ME, your MOTHER, where you will and won't go? Well HE thinks he can. So needless to say that began the battle of the wills. My will verses his will. I am pretty sure I am more stubborn, but he's right up there w/ me. He can go on and on and on....This morning he was going on about a dollar. I started counting how many times he repeated this sentence" I want my dollar." He had been going on for forever when I started counting, I got to about 40 times, he probably said it 40 time before that. For crying out loud, seriously... he just wouldn't let it go....Although I admire this strong will in my son at times, today I wanted to send him to the moon. Really. I ended up dropping him off at Darnell's sister's house.She is my hero today. Seriously, she absolutely saved me!!!! I really am crabby. I think I have pinned it down to something really stupid. I have a few things I want to do around the house, like deep clean my kitchen and bathrooms. However as easy as that sounds, I get infuritated (can't spell that obviously, haha) because w/ 4 kids..everything I clean gets undone so quickly. I guess I also need to remind myself that this summer bit the big one...I'm coming out of a really dark hole that I am not even completely sure is over with. So....the littlest things set me off. Unfortunately I am not pleasant to be around at this very moment. My apologies to my family. My kids really are the best. Jeremiah is SOOO helpful all the time. He doesn't complain, he's just awesome. My girls weeded a ton and basically did all the weeding I wanted to get done. So..I will end this blog tonight thanking God for my family and getting over myself and quit being so crabby. I think I shall go to bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not My chid Monday!!!

Did you almost die of embarrassment when your child pulled their own pants down at the library? Want to scream bloody murder when your toddler took a pair of scissors to the dog's fur? Feel like a terrible mother when your kid said a four-letter-word at a back to school event? Well don't! Mothers aren't perfect and neither are children. Let's 'fess up today because it's Not my child! Monday!

I absolutely did not allow my children to basically eat leftover birthday cake all day on Saturday, simply because the sooner the eat, the sooner they will quit asking me if they can have it. They didn't even get a sugar high! I would never dream of allowing my 9yr old daughter go to the arcade at the Wilderness in WI Dells dresssed like a homeless person. Nope, not my child!! I look at it as freedom to express herself!!

And just a bit of "Not me Monday".... I definately DO NOT wish the kids were already in school so I would not have to listen to these kids argue, complain, whine and make me want to jump off a bridge...

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Back to Church!!

I finally went to church this morning..the first sunday morning in over 3 months! It felt good. I spent the day relaxing..thanks to my awsome sister in law for watching the kids..well jeremiah is at Blair's. I have been doing some thinking..this week we are FINALLY going to finish Isaiah's room. We still need bunk beds for the girls.. but once the rooms are all back in order, I want to really change our evening schedule, which will take some sacfrice on my part partially. I am thinking about turning the TV off around 7 pm on school nights. I want to have the kids read, maybe play a game together, do some quiet activities, squeeze in some family time every night. I think it will benefit all of us. I will admit that for as long as I can remember, if we are home there is at least 1 tv on in the house. Some days I just crave some quiet. And now that Jeremiah's getting older, I don't want the distraction of TV if he's got more homework..I want the girls to get in the habit of learning the value of peace and quiet. For the most part, none of our kids are TV junkies...if they have the option to be outside playing or watching tv, they definately will be outside. So we'll see..Darnell is the bomb.. I had a quiet day! He was working... Joanie had the kids..Jeremiah's at Blair's. This week I REALLY need to get some serious stuff done around the house. I got the oven need to be cleaned on the inside.. I did the fridge and freezer 2 weeks ago, under the sink is feels good to have those out of sight place clean and organzied. On that note I need to go to bed!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Awesome Day! Darnell went to the Golf Outing w/ a bunch of guys from church and then they had a big lunch at church afterwards. Now he's a movie w/ Ivan. I am soo happy he got a day to do his own thing. He does SOOO much for me..the past few weeks especially I have been in such a funk that even though I'm a stay at home mom, I wasn't doing a whole lot. He picked up the slack. So I am glad he had at least one day to do his own thing. He's been wanting to golf for so long. The kids spent most of the day next door helping our friend Janice w/ the estate sale for our neighbor. So.. I pulled up the carpet in our parlor! The floors underneath actually look cool. They need a little bit of work, but look 100% better than the crap carpet that was there, that also had a HUGE stain from the paint that got spilled by a certain someone in my house.. I feel really great today. Haven't felt good in awhile!! We are planning on going to Florida in October. We don't have alot of money, but we will are expecting some money to come in, so Darnell and I decided we needed to get away. The plane tickets are dirt cheap, and once we get to Orlando my counsin Aaron and wife Meg live there. They are super excited to have us come visit. So we won't have to pay for a hotel, transportation...just food.. and well, we have to eat weather we are home or in Florida, lol.. It is our thought THAT, give the hellish year we have had, if we do NOT invest some time ( and even some $$) into our marriage to get away, spend time together, we will not be able to be strong in our marriage. So many people put the everything else first and their marriage last. It's obvious.. divorce rates are thru the roof. For us, w/ all we've dealt with, we need time togeteher to just relax and have fun. And dare I say, we deserve it! We have always tried to put God first, our marriage 2nd and the kids next. Some look at the kids come excuses. Well..if you don't have a relationship w/ God, well you really are going to be missing out on what God has for you, and if your marriage isn't strong, how can your family as a unit be strong? It all flows, if you put things in the right order. I am in desperate need of a vacation, and so is Darnell. So that's what we are going to do! I am so excited that I pulled up the carpet in our parlor! It looks pretty decent. I am working on getting Isaiah's room finished this next week. It's actually been such a good day! And if all goes well in the morning, we are going to church! It's been too long!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Well, Isaiah's psychiatrist a few months ago said to definately go ahead and apply for SSI for Isaiah. I didn't know if we should..but once the Dr. said he needed it I went ahead and applied. Now, I have heard from various people that it can take up to 2 or 3 times of applying to get approved. WELL....God is good, Isaiah was approved! First time applying. This means we will get a monthly check and a medical card. This is absolutely from God. In so many ways, probably the biggest thing is validiation. The state of WI validates the fact that Isaiah does indeed have a disability, it's not my parenting, it's not in my head or whatever... That validation leads to the school hopefully seeing this and taking Isaiah's issues seriously, since up to this point, they have not. So what a LOAD OFF!! Thank you JESUS!!!! This also means that I can be an official stay at home mom!!! When I was trying to work and do school and deal w/ Isaiah, I felt like the world was on my shoulders. Now I can be home, take care of my family and know that finanically we are ok, and equally as important, I have a door open to us for further resources for Isaiah. I don't have to stress about trying to find a job that will work around Darnell's schedule. Although this doesn't change Isaiah's issues, I at least don't have the other things to stress me out. God knew I was at my wits end. I feel very blessed today. My children are beautiful and awesome, my husband is THE BEST, most involved father I could ever ask for. Sooo many blessings!!!!!!!

Can't sleep

It's almost 2:30 a.m. I can't sleep. I have gotten laundry done and folded..a few other odds and ends done.. I enjoy the peace and quiet, but I know in the morning, when the kids are up, I will regret haivng not slept. Normally, I sleep really good in times of stress. I think the last 8 months at least have officially caught up to me. Isaiah is home, but I am not naive enough to think that after only one day home all will be well. School starts in 2 weeks, it's VERY unpredictable as to how Isaiah will handle it. It really is a good thing I don't work. I also am going to be setting up appts. at children's w/ a neuropsychiatrist. I also need to get his eyes checked and then once school starts deal w/ his developmental delays. AHHHHH!!! There is just sooo much to all this. I also really should get my other kids into some kind of counseling..even if it's not long term, just someone they can talk to, that's not me or Darnell that can help them deal w/ having a brother that has these issues. I realize God has his hand on us... I just am having such a hard time understanding. I went thru it when Haley was having surgery after surgery. What it boils down to is... this whole situaion is what it is. I can't change it. THe best I can do is let God do his thing, do the best for my family, be the best advocate for Isaiah as I can be. Somewhere in there I have to keep my sanity. That really is the hardest part. Accepting all the emotions and feelings that come my way. Not letting them take over. We have awesome support, friends, family, etc..but at the end of the day, I have to be at peace with myself and w/ God. For the most part I do fully realize that God is God and he's soverign. We aren't promised a life w/o trials, we are promised that we won't walk alone. So I am moving towards less questions aimed at God, and more faith. And praying for his mercy and grace to cover me in my weak moments, which seem to be coming a lot these days. Well this is all pretty deep for the middle of the night.. I really need to try and sleep. I pray for an easy Wednesday. That I will have energy..that I will be productive. Off to bed...hopefully I will sleep!!!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Happy Birthday Isaiah!!

Yesterday we went to Roger's Memorial to visit Isaiah. We came home w/ him! We originally were pushing for long term care. However, the long care facility affialited w/ Roger's doesn't take kids as young as Isaiah. Anything beyond that, I have no idea. There also is the issue that Isaiah DOES NOT act out at the hospital, he's not there long enough for it all to come out. It's sort of a sore spot, because they know he has these issues but he does exactly what he should do when he's inpatient. So the plan is to get in home thearpy started. He's on new meds, AGAIN! I am happy he's home for his birthday. I just feel like I'm on pins and needles, waiting for him to have an episode. I literally have to let God be in control...
Yesterday we picked up a dryer from my friend I grew up with, Phil. Our's went out and we just don't have the time to mess with it... so he had one in his garage and was kind enough to give it to us. So thank God now I can get caught up on my laundry. As much as I don't like doing laundry, I figured out real fast that when you CAN'T do laundry, you appreciate working applicance even if you don't enjoy doing the chore, LOL.. Darnell fixed the sink yesterday! He was my fix it man! And he hooked up the new dryer! He's the man. Well, I suppose I should get myself moving, no Starubcks, no croissants and I am exhausted, lol..THe last week and a half have been completely draining. Had a fun vacation in the Dells, but I still feel like I'm in the twilight zone or something...

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Home sweet Home!

Well after 3 full days in the dells, I am happy to be home. we had a fabulous time. THe kids played and played and played!!! I have to admit, I was soo sad Isaiah wasn't there, but, when I talked to him tonight, he was in a great mood, sounded really good and is super excited that we are coming up tomorrow! This weekend, I had planned on relaxing and having fun...which I did. However, I told the kids that today(sunday) I would go on the rides..,but I did NOT realize how drained I'd feel. It's like last MOn-Wed, were pure Hell.. fighting w/ Isaiah and all that, Wed. was the worst.. then Thursday I had to get everything ready to go to the Dells.. wake up SUPER early Friday morning and hit the road! NO down time, no time to really process and deal w/ all that went on during the week. Maybe I'm just super emotional, but I feel totally drained. So this morning Darnell made some kind of remark that pissed me off.. I got all emotional, had a meltdown in the van.. so ridiculous. What it came down to is everything is just catching up to me I guess. Being overtired, busy, the emotional stress of having a child in the hospital and not having any idea what the next step will be, so many unknowns.. For me, I don't deal w/ all that very well. I tend to sorta shut down. Which I am working on.. Darnell is completely opposite, he keeps busy, So this weekend,he did everything and anyting w/ the kids while I lounged in the chairs getting even more tan. Bottom line, we had a good time, but it's good to be home. The wedding was great, the reception was fabulous, especially since my oldest son danced w/ me!!! So precious! So, I am not going to deal w/ things as they come, no expectations, especially when it's concerning Isaiah..THe kids start school 2 weeks from the summer literally flew by! I need to go to bed.. my eyes are closing..Good night!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Wisconsin Dells

We are in the Dells. Isaiah's in the hospital. At first, I wasn't going to come with. I figured I'd stay home, I could use my mom's car and go visit Isaiah and just stay home. However, today for instance, I could have only spent 45 min w/ him, that's the visiting time for weekdays. Tomorrow is 2 hrs, and we've found in the past that 2 hours is too long. He starts getting ansty, whiny, crabby, asking for snacks, which I have no control over getting him, there isn't really any where we can go with him. So I only spend an hour at the most w/ him. give myself a break, I came with. I'm so glad I did. THe entire Hoaglund Clan is here, taking over the Wilderness, lol.. I feel bad a bit because after the week I had, I am literally exhausted in every way. Darnell let me sleep, he took the kids for dinner and I'll probably sleep in in the morning. The last time we came to the Wilderness was right after Isaiah was discharged from his first hospital stay. THat week I felt the same as I do now, exhausted, drained, etc..but happy to be away. So it's a bit of a balancing act to get some rest and relaxation in and have fun w/ everyone else. In the end, Isaiah sounded good today. Jeremiah, Haley and Savannah are having a blast. The upside to this trip is, we don't have to worry about Isaiah having a fit, everything being a big deal etc...I know this is all happening for a reason. Today, I am ok w/ it I guess. We dropped Isaiah's clothes off this morning on our way out and I cried and cried after we left. There are just so many emotions that go w/ all this. One minute I feel calm, cool and collected, the next I see a little boy w/ the same swim trunks Isaiah wore last summer and it made me want to cry. The emotions of of a mom I guess are unpredictable..God is good. That I have to constantly remind myself. I truly believe this weekend came at just the right time. We all needed a break, some FUN, and Isaiah is safe. At this point his safety his a priority! Well I am off to relax!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009 the hospital agian...

OMG.. today had to be one of the WORST days ever, it's right up there w/ the day we found out Haley had bladder exstrophy, and the day she had a 12 hr surgery..Today I literally, seriosly felt like I had 100lbs just sitting on my chest.. Isaiah's episode of of epic proportions! ( that makes sense right?lol) I won't get into all the details, needless to say he's at Roger's Memorial in West Allis for his 3rd inpatient stay. This time however I am pusing VERY HARD that once he's done there they put him in a residential facility. Rogers has one in Oconomowoc that I guess if fabulous. THey would do what's called a med-wash, take him off all meds, see what happens then see what he really needs and make sure it works before he comes home. It's not ideal, this sure as shit was not my plan for my almsot 6 yr old, but it is what it is. I want a better life for him than what he's having now. We have done everything we can possibly do, and we are at the end of our rope. I can't handle all the episodes, the raging, our other stuff we have dealt with. So...we are praying that the the hoops we have to jump thru to get insurance to approve the residential facility and all that jazz will go smoothly. I honestly feel so broken, so worn out, so drained. Darnell's cousin is getting married in the dells this weekend, we've had this planned for a year, I was considering what I should do. Do I stay home, so I can visit Isaiah(which by the way is extremely limited) or should I go, enjoy a break w/ my hubby and ohter kids? My mom, hubby and Mother in law have all said I should go. I need to also think about Jeremiah, Haley and Savannah.. I want to be with them and be somewhat less stressed out than what I have been in recent months.. It's not fair to them that I am always feeling so drained to the point that I don't do enough fun things w/ them. So I am going to let go of my mommy guilt, and go. On our way home on Sunday we will stop off and visit Isaiah. My eyelids are HEAVY... sorry for the typos.. going to bed, finally after this HORRID day

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

life stinks today

I don't think dealing w/ all of Haley's surgeries was this emotionally draining as dealing w/ Isaiah's. I sound like the BIGGEST whiner on the planet...but I don't care, it's my blog and I can whine all I want. I am bruised, I have scabs everywhere from him scratching..I am SOOOOOOOOOOO fed up. There just aren't enough words to describe how mad I am. And I don't even know who I am mad at...God? myself? Isaiah? I just have never felt this lost before. I want to run away. I am sick of changing poop pull ups. He's going to be 6 next week for crying out loud.. I know it's not his fault, none of this is..

So I'm stuck. I know there are so many other things I should be focused on, verses I could be meditating on..and on and on....but I just don't feel like it.