Friday, October 30, 2009

Teeth pulled!

I got my teeth pulled yesterday..well 2 back molars on the right side. Thank God they knocked me out to do it!! So much less traumatic than being awake. The pain meds are good..haha. My mouth is sore, but not nearly the kind of pain like before!! Tomorrow is Halloween. The kids are excited to go trick or treating. Darnell is excited for all the candy they are going to get haha. I have been sleeping most of the day. Darnell had the flu this week, today is the first day he's felt normal. I am hoping the rest of us don't get it. I have been feeling the urge to shop and rearrange. Too bad I don't have any money and nothing really to rearrange..I guess I thought I had more rolling around in my head than I do, hahaha

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

What a week!

What a week it has been. Isaiah had the flu last week. I have had a headache for over a week from the 2 molars I am getting pulled. Now Darnell is sick. He's got the flu I think but he was too stubborn to come home from work today. I know he's got our family's well being at the forefront of his mind, and I respect that, I just don't like seeing him sick and being miserable. On a different note I took Isaiah to Dr. Callaghan yesterday. It was a good visit. He's keeping him on the same meds which have helped extremely! He suggested we seriously consider homeschooling Isaiah. Drop a load of bricks on me why dontcha? I mean seriously, the ONE thing I SWORE I never would do,is homeschool. I am NOT a teacher. I don't have the natural knack to teach. Especially try and teach my child, who I am about 95% sure has a learning disability that has not yet been nailed down. How do you teach a child w/ something like that? I will be the first to admit I have just about ZERO patience when it comes even to homework help. Most of the time the way it rolls in our house is " Just wait till Dad gets home, He can help you!" LOL... sad but true. I have just gotten over endless months of physcially wrestling w/ Isaiah almost on a daily basis, right now I am moving thru all the dang emotional crap that goes along w/ that. Isaiah has become affectionate again towards me, he's loving and kind to me. Vast difference from just 2 months ago. So I don't want to start this homeschooling thing and have it turn into another battle. I don't want to be at war w/ my son. So.. I have contacted the advocate and also the school is getting the ball rollling for home bound school-which is like 4 hrs of schooling at our house a week. They send a teacher out. I know what it boils down to is~ Trust God.

Yesterday I made an awesome dinner-chx stroganoff in the crockpot. The kids loved it!!! We had it again for leftovers and they didn't even complain. I got alot of cleaning done which I feel good about. Darnell and I had a real heart to heart last week. Basically me telling him that as I go thru this healing process, I am so sorry that I am not being the wife I know I should be. My counselor validated the fact that what I've dealt w/ in the last 2 years or so, is simply something that takes time to deal w/. For me it brought on a pretty bad depression. So know I have to focus on letting God heal me from the inside out. When I'm feeling lazy and Darnell is doing alot around the house, Darnell has made it clear that he's not doing it w/ a crabby attitude. He gets tired of course, but he knows right now I need him to fill in the gap. Let's face it, as a stay at home mom, as a woman I have my own expectations of what I should be doing. Having to ask for help is hard. Darnell has NEVER said one deregotory(spelling?) thing to me about this. So.. I need to count my blessings and look at this season in my life as a healing time for me. Some days I kick butt around the house and he comes home and is shocked, lol, other days he comes home and I am completely wiped out and haven't done hardly anything. I am praising God for a husband who can handle he tells me I'm not spoiled, just well taken care of. Indeed, I am well taken care of!!!

I let Haley get a facebook account today. I was hesitant, but I figure as long as we are monitoring it, she can enjoy it and I can make sure everything is on the up and up w/ her being on the internet. At this point, she's extremely innocent, which means I will be very cautious w/ her friends on FB, she has limited time on the computer anyways. I will be getting my molars removed on Thursday. Thank God they are knocking me out to do it, lol...I can't wait. I have been in soo much pain. After my mouth heals I'll have impressions taken to replace the pulled teeth. Once that is all done, the teeth that have been pulled will all be replaced. I can't wait!!! I will feel SOO much better about myself. My ice chewing habit is coming to a screeching hault. bummer. I do love to chew ice. Stupid I know, but it is what it is. Well I realize I have rambled on quite a bit..but it's my blog, so I can do that, LOL

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Nice Weekend

It's Sunday night, it was a decent weekend. The weather was gorgeous! Yesterday we got a ton done outside, the kids kicked butt helping w/ the yard. Haley cleaned EXACTLY the way I would have! Jeremiah is sooo quick to ask if I need help, savannah provides comic relief while we work, LOL...She helps, she would rather play :)
Darnell baked and cooked up a storm the past week. I am very blessed w/ my family. I woke up this morning in a FOUL mood. The kids kinda were really squirrely and thankfully my mom releived me and picked them up. They had a blast at her house, played and played, came home FILTHY!! They all had showers and at the end of the day they smelled like outside, I love that smell! Now I can appreciate them more.
I am watching House Hunters and they are in Savannah, Georgia. I can't shake the urge to move, especially to Savannah, GA. I do not know what in the world that is from. For all pratical purposes moving out of state is really out of the question for us. With 2 kids w/ issues, it would be extremely difficult to deal w/ things that come up in a new city w/ no family. Not that we would even get out of Racine w/o my mom tying bricks to our feet in an effort to keep us here, lol.. I don't know if it's just my need for a change of scenery, beyond WI, the Dells.. I just really want to go down South. I need to put that in God's hands. If it is just selfish desire, I need pray that I can let it go. I am not looking forward to winter. Although I have decided to work as hard as I can to look at the things I DO like about winter, in no particular order: warm fall/winter nights inside, baking and cooking seem to happen alot during the winter months, the look of freshly fallen snow on the trees, and I will admit,, when there is a huge snow storm and everything shuts down, it sorta is exciting, a change of pace. The Holidays obviously are the best! So I need to focus on all that! Otherwise I'm going to be a whiny woman and I don't need anymore of that coming out of my mouth!! Well I have to fold laundry. Again, not my favorite thing to do, but I am trying to be positive, and take care of my family. As I have been trying to work my way thru this season in my life, I am realizing that it is ok to just deal w/ what comes my way. I can't be ashamed of the fact that I deal w/ depression, I am doing my best to be proactive about it. My counselor made a good point, I really need to let God heal me. It's not a matter of "Oh Melissa is depressed, blah blah blah..." but rather this time is a time that I need to listen to God's leading, let him heal me. Darnell has done above and beyond to make my days easier. I feel so bad, like I'm not doing my job as a wife and mom. I am realizing, after him telling me a thousand times, that he just wants to help me thru this, and since he obviously can't literally heal me from the inside out, he does what he can around the house and w/ the kids to make things run smoother. What a man. After 13 years, he still surprises me. He puts up w/ alot, he gives 150% to our family. I am so thankful for him.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The flu.. so far

Well the flu hit. Isaiah so far, Savannah's got a cold, sore throat and headache..I figured it would happen. There is only 1 thing I like about being the kids being sick, they CUDDLE!! Isaiah was so miserable ( which of course I felt so bad f or him) but he was cuddly and that part I do like. THe weather sucks, makes me dread winter even more. Oh well, nothing I can do about it. Our porch is done, just have to paint the the stairs, when it dries up for more than a day and stops raining. Darnell went to town in the kitchen tonight. He made meatball bombers, pumpkin pie and pumpkin squares!! What a man! I guess i dont have too much to say tonight that is interesting..So good night!

Monday, October 12, 2009


Well, Sat. night I couldn't sleep.. was up till past 3 a.m. I had been mulling over all kinds of things that run thru your mind in the middle of the night. THe only time of day/night when there is absolute silence in our home! I decided to email a friend of mine who has been sort of a spiritual mentor/friend for many years. her and her husband lead a Sunday night gathering..not an actual church serive, basically you show up and see what God has on the agenda. So when I got her email Sunday afternoon, saying she could COMPLTELEY relate to a lot of what I have been feeling regarding God, church, spirituaity I instantly knew that I needed to go to her house that night. I called ahead of time to see if ( a bit of vanity popping up) anyone dresses up..what's the style..whatever. Well it's come as you are. Period. Well I ended up having a few minutes to maybe throw some better clothes on ( of course I was in adidas sweats, no make up, hair not done) however God stopped me. I felt the strong sense that God didn't want me to make myself up. This is me, in my most comfortable and least attractive form, but to God, none of that matters. A little lesson in getting over myself. so.. we go. The kids were kinda like "huh" well they ended up having a BLAST! I was prayed for and over. I feel such a freedom. I have felt for sooo long that I am in a box, wrapped w/ duct tape... the box that keeps me from doing what God wants. My idea of church has always been sunday morning, wed night and if you don't do that.. you are a heathen, or a back slider, etc..However, I am learning that I am not getting what God has for me. It's no fault of my church, I am in no way disengaging myself from church, but for me, our family, Sunday mornings are now open. I am daring to step out of the box, our "church" is going to be where God is. Right now we happen to be meeting at our friends home and meeting God there. It says in the Bible that people make up the church, not the building.. Being bound to rules, and all that our world has made church to be, isn't what God intended, in my opinion. At least not all of it. It can be different and still be right. God isn't limited. So why should I be? So I am letting go of the guilt. I know this may not make sense to some, may sound crazy to others, but I challenge anyone who may come across this, to ask yourself if you are truly happy w/ your current relationship w/ God and all that entails. If you are, GREAT!! For ME, this season, is about change. I am learning new things about myself. I feel good that my kids are being exposed to different types of worship, different types of what fellowship w/ God and other christians can be. I am coming to a place that I want to be ok w/ me. Just as God created me. Who is that? Well for starters, I am a daughter to a fabulous MOM, a wife to an amazing hubby, a mother... I am not a morning person, and guess what? that's ok! I can get more done in the late evenings and night that most people can do in the a.m. I LOVE starbucks..duh, lol.. it makes me happy..what can I say. I am NOT a teacher.. I will not teach sunday school or any kind of children's class. It's not my gift. I won't apologize for that. I have a passion for nursing, for helping people in medical crisis..I have 2 disabled children. I stay home even though they are all at school. I felt VERY guilty about that, but literally right now, Isaiah isn't going to school ( whole other topic, lol) so I am and have the ability to stay home w/ him. I chew ice. That will be ending soon since I am getting my dental work done to fix my teeth. I am addicted to Facebook. I love networking, connecting w/ people. I love to take pictures, I watch the SAME movie every night to fall asleep. Right now, my movie of choice has been "you've got Mail" All of this is who I am. Take me or leave me. I have a LONG way to go.. I am also dealing w/ depression due to all the traumatic events that have happened the last year w/ Isaiah. So some days, like today I feel GREAT, other days..not so hot. I am learning that I need to let God heal me from the inside out. So maybe it's not quite a depression... rather a healing period. I'm not going to fight it. I like to blog. some think it's weird, again, I don't care. It's theraputic for me. I don't want to hide behind anything. It does take some guts to put this all out there, I guess I have the guts. It forces me to break the tape in my head that's been running for years that tells me" what will people think?" well in blogging, I am in a way smushing that! haha. I want my children to see a mom that loves them sooooo much, that cares what God thinks, not the world. So this is a start. I am done for tonight.. spilled my guts! feels good. God is good. better than good!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Freaky friday, lol

It's Friday. Darnell is off. Last night I was asleep by 9 and slept until almost 11 this morning. I haven't been feeling the greatest, my tooth that needs to be pulled is causing me trouble, I called my dentist's office and the dentist himself called me back and said it sounds like there's an abscess, so he called in pain meds and antibotic. An abscess would explain the low grade fever I've had. I went on Savannah's field trip yesterday w/ her to Discovery World. It was fun. She is such a fun girl. Her good friend that she's always talked about went too of course and so did her mom, which worked out great because we got to talk and exchange numbers so now I feel completely comfortable letting Savannah go to her friends house. Sometimes it just kills me that they are getting older but it's also fun to see them grow and experience new things. My girls have a unique bond, literally like twins. To see Savannah branching out a bit is good. And Haley has too. But yet they are still so tight! I hope and am pretty sure they will always be so close. Haley has taken on the mama roll lately, especially w/ Isaiah. It amazes me how much my kids look out for each other. Last night they were all in the living room and they were CRACKING UP and playing, it was music to my ears. When Darnell is home, lol, it's even louder!! I feel incredibly blessed to have kids that love each other, they don't fight like a lot of siblings, they have their days, but on the whole, they get along famously. Darnell LOVES playing w/ them. God has truly blessed us. Monday is our 13th wedding anniversary. WOW...way back then life seemed so big and scary ( sometimes it still does, lol) but we have had a lot of good things happen and our fair share of not so good things happen. Haley being born w/ bladder exstrophy, 13 surgeries, Isaiah and his issues, but God is still good. Honestly, part of me wants to go back to all the people that thought we were making a mistake and say to them HA!! we have made it! 13 years later, we still love each other, our kids are amazing! But now that I'm older I realize that from other people's perspective, we were SOOOO young, having a baby, no did seem probably like a bad idea. But I wasn't going to not have Jeremiah and not live w/ Darnell. There's no way my mom would have let me live w/ him w/o being married. Even though I was 19, she wouldn't have approved. And we wanted to be married. I'm so happy we did get married. Darnell is awesome. I love him so much and I am thankful for the life I have w/ him.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Great weekend!

Yesterday we went to Party on the Pavement downtown. It was a great day!! You can tell Racine is a small town.. every time we turned around we saw someone we knew. It was so much fun! The kids ( well not Jeremiah) got their faces was a bit chilly but all around a great day!!! Friday night Darnell ripped up the dining room carpet! The floors look good. They need to be sanded and restained and all that, but it's a HUGE step up from the stained carpet! I have been feeling better. I go up and down. It's like one minute all I want to do is sleep and then the next I am ready to go...I heard somewhere that depression is as real as cancer. It makes sense. But not to everyone. I at least feel somewhat validated. What we've gone thru w/ Isaiah is very the emotions and all that most people don't or may have a hard time relating to. Isaiah's doing much better, which I am soo thankful for. But I won't apologize anymore for being who I am.. which is: an emotional person, a mom who doesn't just let things roll off my back, a mom who has seen my son go thru so much that he didnt' have any control over, nor did I. I am not having a pity party, it just is what it is. It was the same w/ Haley. You don't watch your child suffer and not have a ton of emotions that run thru you. I am thankful for a supportive support system. One day at a time has a new meaning.. lol.. it's not just for alcoholics, lol...On a different note, the porch is coming along. What a relief to know it will be all done. I have a lot to be thankful for. Darnell is...there just aren't words sometimes for how much I appreciate him. He spoils me when I don't deserve it, he supports me, loves me..what more could I ask for. Next week is our 13 yr wedding anniversary! WOW...I think my favorite thing is watching him w/ our kids. I guess b/c I didn't have a dad, seeing him interact w/ our kids is truly amazing. God really has anointed Darnell. He's so good w/ kids. And our kids worship him, lol...well I need to get myself moving...Jules is coming over and we are going to hang out and watch a movie!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Being transparent??

I have been thinking about my blog and exactly what to share, what's TMI, should I be so transparent..and I've decided that people dont' get anywhere hiding behind things. I don't really hide behind much. It's no secret that this last year has been hell for our family. Thru the grace of God, we are all still in one piece. Emotionally though, I feel quite..oh what's the word? I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Having to deal w/ the emotional reprecutions of what we have experienced. I struggle w/ not wanting to throw a pity party, but not denying the fact that I truly am struggling. I am seeing a christian counsleor...good thing! He basically validated that it's no wonder I am in a depression of sorts. Depression is as real as cancer or heart disease. My mind tells me one thing, well a million things and what I "should" do...and getting myself to follow thru is a whole other story..My thearpist said to stay away from the "shoulds" of life, I should do this or that or the other.. basically I am setting myself up to fail. So I am starting small, making small goals for myself. I am trying my very best to get thru this. Darnell is fabulous in helping me thru.. he realizes that he can't fix it but he supports me, encourages me and doesn't critize me. I say to myself, quite a bit actually..."well Melissa, you are home all could be doing a million things" yet some days I get very little done. My therapist told me to make a small list, things that are on the easier end of what I need to do and work my way from there. Sounds like a plan. takes the guilt out of the equation. On the up side, our porch is getting re done!! It's falling into place and this time next week it should be done ( depending on the weather).. that is a HUGE relief in itself. well I am falling asleep.