Friday, December 14, 2012

struggling, mad, heavy heart

Today started out as one of the hardest days I've had in a few years. Isaiah is having some issues lately and today was probably the hardest day for him. And for me. A few years ago when we were still going thru the process of getting him diagnosed etc.. we had countless mornings, days and evenings like this morning. It's one of the hardest things as a mom to watch. His anxiety is real. His feelings are real and he's a 9yr old little boy who just doesn't know what to do w/ all that. 
I will be VERY honest and say that today, I'm just mad at God. It's not the first time and i'm sure won't be the last. The questions that race thru my head are WHY? why must my son deal w/ this?!? So I get that everyone has their stuff, we all suffer etc.. but today, right NOW...I'm angry that I have to watch my son physically deal w/ anxiety. Pacing, wringing his hands, hitting things... you know it. God could have spared him from this. Every parent wants the best for their kids. I am just in a place that I'm so OVER watching my kids suffer. 
Darnell is awesome w/ Isaiah, he can talk him down and reason w/ him to some extent. I can't. I'm ok with that. I just wish I could make it better for Zaya. I have a heavy heart tonight. And of course today was a horrible day in our country.. all those kids that were killed in Connecticut. I can't imagine, can't fathom,can't wrap my brain around it. So in spite of all the feelings I have and even if I am angry w/ God right now, I pray God will be with those families. Tonight my babies are all safe, sleeping and alive. 
And for the record, being mad at God doesn't mean I have lost my faith or anything like that. In the bible it says that we can be angry at God.. a lot of people were. It's how we deal w/ it. I am admitting it. I'll get over it. Ultimately I know God is in control. I just don't understand it all. I don't like it. That's where the anger comes in. It just sucks. 
I've had 1 day off in 20 days and that was 2 weeks ago, and I have 10 more days before I'll have another day off. I'm tired. emotional...
all this change, all this working has been taking it's toll on Isaiah. I think that has something or a lot to do w/ why he's so out of whack. Our routine is not normal at all. That alone can really cause Isaiah's behavior to spin out of control. Any changes..this just happens to be a big one. Thankfully it's only for a little while longer. 
oh what a day....

Tuesday, December 11, 2012


Life in the Hoaglund home has been very different lately. Now that we are right in the middle of the holiday season, I'm working 10+ hrs a day and no day off until christmas Day! I'm not complaining but I won't lie and say it's not hard. I'm exhausted! This is a whole different lifestyle change for our family. Plus Jeremiah is working after school and obviously Darnell is working too. So having to be at work when I'm normally home for the kids takes some getting used to.  
Being a stay at home mom and now being a temporary working mom I'm seeing both sides of the coin.  When I'm at home I tend to fall into a funk.  I feel like, do I really need to stay home? I could be working etc.. well since I've been working Haley had a HORRID urinary tract infection and Isaiah's been having issues w/ school. So when normally having Haley stay home is no big deal for me, when I'm working, of course it's all different. Getting phone calls from Isaiah's teacher is dis-heartening because I can't deal w/ the issue right away.. it's a balancing act I'll tell ya!  Thankfully I have great support! Darnell does all he can to keep things rolling. He's used to working and being a parent, lol... 
I know when my kids are grown I won't regret having been a stay at home mom. Even though they are older I just don't like the idea of them always being home and Darnell and I both working. Not everyone can stay home or even wants to stay home. I have so much respect for working moms. My mom was a single working mom and I have so much respect for what she had to sacrifice to support us. 
I guess having 2 kids w/ special needs is what keeps me home. But it is also my hearts desire to be home. God has been faithful to us in so many ways. I look at my life, the people in it, and am thankful. 
I have to say, waking up early and all that jazz, well I am not feeling so thankful at those moments... in fact some choice "dirty words" just may be coming out of my mouth as I am sliding out of bed! Lord knows mornings are THE worst part for me. Thankfully it doesn't last. the day sure would suck if I felt all day the way I do when I first get up. My routine of getting up, getting Isaiah off to school and then going to get my Starbucks has worked pretty well. 

Oh and my son turned 16 on Thursday! got his drivers license on friday! How did THAT happen????!!! I just seriously feel like I blinked and he was this almost grown man. how does that happen??? Haley will be 14 next month... oh lord I could just go on about how I have a hard time letting go....ha! But I remind myself that just because they get older doesn't mean they still aren't my babies, they are just growing up but will always be where my heart is. 
So i've rambled a bit. Amanda, are you happy now? LOL... this wasn't all that interesting but anyway I need to go to bed. I pray I wake up feeling ready to start my day and not like I'm dragging!