What a week!

It's been quite a week and it's not even over. The radiator on our van blew the other day and we had it towed to Stu's.  Between that and the cable that controls the shifter that was about to snap it's going to cost about $600. It's a great thing that I'm working. Haley has had a killer UTI.  She made it through at school this week but this morning when she woke up her spasms were horrible. I kept her home. This is the hardest part about working. I hate having a sick child and having to call in. I don't want to let down Mary and not be there but I also don't want to leave my daughter, especially when she's dealing w/ so much pain. This is her 4th infection in 4 months. So today I am home w/ my girl. I'm getting caught up w/ stuff around the house and watching cheesy Christmas movies :)

Because on a regular basis I am a stay at home mom, I have a hard time balancing this working mom thing. I give moms that do this ALL the time a lot of credit.  Trying to make everyone happy is impossible. Putting your children first is a must. However keeping your position at your job is also important. I am one of those people that has a hard time making decisions for fear of upsetting someone. However today I had to put my Haley first. Her infections can be horrible. Watching her deal with such horrible spasms is terrible. I can't make it better. It's a reminder that she has to deal w/ this for the rest of her life. I hate that part. I am so happy that she deals with it as well as she does. As her mom I will always have a hard time watching her deal w/ all this. I don't think it will ever be easy. We've got a supportive family and most importantly a God that provides healing. I had originally prayed that Haley wouldn't deal w/ bladder exstrophy in the way most kids do. I wanted her to be the exception to the rule. However that was not the case. She has had a lot of surgery, a lot of infections and complications. I was angry at God for not healing Haley. Well I finally came to the conclusion that the healing I was praying for wasn't what God had for Haley. The plan he had for her has been far different than I thought.  But God's plan has brought us to a place of acceptance, strength and unshakeable faith. Haley deals w/ bladder exstrophy and will for the rest of her life.  But we've seen that God has made her strong and given us the ability to be here for her in every way possible.  

Random thoughts on a Friday night

My mind is flooded with random thoughts from developing a plan of attack to get my laundry under control now that I am working to how I'm going to get the pain in my hip under control, I need to get the dog into the groomer, I need my hair cut, Savannah's getting her hair cut tomorrow, Haley will be next week, trying to keep Jeremiah's work schedule straight, making sure Darnell, Jeremiah and I have clean work clothes and the rest of the family have clothes for school.  See how random that is. Even gramatically I'm sure I just spelled that wrong and have a very long run on sentence in just the first paragraph! 
I thought I was organized.. WRONG. I am having a hard time adjusting I think. However it will work out, I'll get into a routine. Darnell and the kids always help me so much. I just need to get myself together! 
It's been kind of a rough week.. Isaiah's medicine, well one of them, wasn't refilled. Not because we don't have insurance or anything. All because of a form the Dr. needs to fill out and fax back to Walgreens and then they send it to the insurance company, problems solved. Well that didn't happen, then it was Thanksgiving and they were closed friday. So Isaiah's going on almost a week w/o the one medicine that keeps him the most balanced. I could just scream at someone for not doing their job and making sure this was taken care of. Apparently it's something that's done all the time.. I could go on and on. I'll spare you. bottom line is my boy is having one hell of a week and I hate it. I can't fix it. 
This is the part of parenting that is So freaking hard. I try my best to be on top of things, be educated etc.. but this kind of crap that's out of my hands.. UGH!!! 

Another thought I had today which I don't know how I came across this...who KNOWS??!? anyways.. I have come to the conclusion that I tend to be or feel socially awkward. Not in all situations but as I have been witnessing my lovely 12 year old daughter and her amazing ability to talk a million miles a minute and keep up a steady pace that she just may have gotten some of that from me. Yes,she is a Hoaglund, however there are some Wasik genes in this girl too. double whammy! So as I am witnessing her talk, and talk, and talk... I realize that i do the SAME thing. I go on and on.. I over explain things.. you get the idea. HOLY COW.. why didn't someone tell me? 
Well hold the phone... nevermind I'm glad no one did. this is the sort of thing one is better finding out on your own. less humiliation than what's already there. haha. So I am trying to think before I speak. Genius.. I know. 

So I'm working almost full time. I will be working full time and then some within the next week or two lasting thru the holidays. Financially this is great. For me this is a HUGE change of pace. before November, I spent the last 6 months or so sick and recovering from surgery. So I was a home-body. So i find myself thinking about the things I have to do and counting down to when I will be able to go home and stay there. But when I get home then the countdown begins of how long before I have to leave again. So weird. I guess it's just a period of adjustment and probably what will happen is I'll just be used to it all and the seasonal job will end and I'll be back to being a stay at home mom. It sure keeps things interesting, keeps me on my toes and honestly challenges me, forces me not to dwell on or in the depression that I deal w/ at times. 
For this season of life, life is crazy and fast paced all over the place. And I'm ok with that! 

do you ever think about who you are? I mean like really, who are you deep down? These are questions I have been asking myself lately. When I look back at my life will I be proud of the words that come out of my mouth, the actions I took or the attitude I had? Obviously we are human and make mistakes. But overall I would like to think that I will be not look back and be embarrassed. I am finding myself caring way to much about what other people think about me. I have to say that trips me up more than just about anything. Then I think that at the end of the day if I can stand before God and know that I did my best. At the end of the day if my husband and kids are happy with me, that is all that matters. They are the ones that I want to be proud of me and who I am. On a not so serious note, now that I am working I am getting used to working and having 4 kids and whatnot...OMG is it hard. I come home and am beat. Darnell of course has been awesome w/ this new transition for us. Mornings are difficult, as always. I do have my routine of going to get my Starbucks!

I have my weekly allowance if you will that is for my starbucks habit. That helps get me going in the morning! My picture of the hot air balloon represents my wish of sometimes wanting to float away form reality....but I'd miss my family too much :)

Can I REWIND???

Can I rewind like 10 years or so? I feel so icky tonight. yes icky. We've had a lot of good going on and some not so good. I started working at O & H again for the holiday's. I like it. I feel like I am a part of the land of the living again. So that's good. Other things I am dealing with are just plain hard and unavoidable and uncomfortable. I want to cry and sleep rewind when my babies were all little and the world hadn't become real to them yet. Yet there are some days that I am AMAZED at the things my beautiful kids do and say and just who they are. I am afraid I might do something that messes that up. I try so hard to be who they need me to be. I look at the mistakes I've made in my life in general and just HATE it. I just doubt myself, who I am. I care too much about what people think. Darnell is SO opposite. He could care less about what other people think. How do I turn that off? I get it that not everyone will like me....I feel like I just FEEL too much. Can I just quit it already?!?
I had my tooth pulled last Wednesday which is fabulous really b/c it needed to happen. But I've had so much pain since that I think it's starting to get to me. 
I finished knitting my scarf. I love knitting and crocheting. It's calming and fun. I have noticed that my kids use the word "random" like we used to use the word "like" you know, like, like I really love Darnell, like so much I could marry him..like really love him.. haha.. get the idea. Well I feel so RANDOM! what the hell is wrong w/ me! It's been 3 months since my surgery and my hormones are still all off kilter. So yay me, no more period. But yay me, still PMS and hormonal. jeez. 
I feel like I need a few days away just to let my brain bleed out all the crap. that sounds gross but it's the best analogy i can come up with. 
Our new series at church is about Soul Detox. That is what I need. DETOX my brain of all the junk...one of the things from my notes is that we need to speak life giving words!  I obviously have not done that in my blog. However that is my goal. I guess I needed to detox my brain and heart of the cluttered mess I was feeling. 
The MAJOR thing I took away for myself is this~
SPEAK AND GIVE LIFE GIVING WORDS TO MYSELF!!!!
Very powerful stuff I'm telling ya! 
As I re-read what I have typed, I realize that I don't need to get away for a few days...I just need to put my big girl panties on and DEAL WITH IT. I can't run away. How does anything get better, get dealt with if you run away? However the idea is very enticing. I guess tonight I've got so much going through my mind it's all coming out very randomly. 
At the end of the day I know that I my intentions are never to make the mistakes I've made, that I want to be what my husband and kids need me to be. And finally, I need to be ok with me. I need to not believe all the toxic thoughts and words that run through my mind. 

Changes!!!!

It's November! I love November. It means Christmas is right around the corner! We have lots of changes going on in the Hoaglund home! Jeremiah started his first job this week at O & H Bakery! I also started working again at O&H as well. I work in the mail order department w/ Darnell's aunt who runs it. His sister, and a few of his cousins work there too. I have worked there for 2 other Christmas seasons. The hours will be crazy but the extra money will be good. We also got a 2nd vehicle today! We've been praying for this for forever! Darnell's mom bought her sister's old car so we are buying his mom's car. It's such a huge relief. With me working I'd either have to get up before 5 a.m. to bring D to work or he'd ride his bike. It's just too cold for him to do that. God worked it all out. A month ago I had no desire to work but when I brought Jeremiah to fill out paper work at O&H I just felt like God was opening a door! I need this. 

Like most women I am struggling w/ my weight. I have gained quite a bit within the last year to 2 years. My forever optimistic husband is so encouraging, he said well the last several months you were sick and not able to do much and your hormones are messing with you. All of this is true. However, I started gaining weight long before I got sick. I need to get over whatever is in my head and lose this weight. I mean seriously. It's not just a vanity thing but a health issue as well. With my parents both being severe diabetics the odds of me becoming diabetic are so high. Anyways.. 
I literally have sat here for like 10 min trying to think of something of relevance to say.. and I got nothing! LOL.....