Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Tis the Season!

Well,  I decided to share an upbeat blog after a series of rather not so happy ones. Over the weekend we baked our little hearts out. Even Darnell did. He has always baked. Even when I met him in high school, he used to bake brownies to bring to school. So, he made the peanut butter blossoms. The girls and I made cut outs. This year they really wanted to do more so I let them. They did a great job and we made some great cookies and better memories. I made shortbread cookies, ginger cookies( they didn't turn out so well) a huge batch of monster cookies. We still have a few more things to make. Today I made homemade chicken soup. Although I really enjoy cooking and baking, I am looking forward to a little break from baking. 
Today Isaiah brought cookies for both of his teachers. he was so excited. 
Even Jeremiah really still likes to be a part of the festivities. I am so blessed that my 15 yr old son still values his family. he still wants to be involved w/ us, family get togethers, he doesn't want to miss out on any of it. That, my friends, is a true blessing from God. 
I am looking forward to finishing our christmas shopping, and spending the weekend w/ our families. 
I have plenty I could gripe about, but today, I chose to focus on the good. 

Thursday, December 15, 2011


ROCK BOTTOM. I think I hit it this week. Denial stopped working, avoidance no longer helped...and BAM~ REALITY! And MAN did it feel like I got hit w/ a mack truck, all over again. A good friend pointed out that this is probably a good place to be though. This is where God can build me back up. I may feel like crap, and well to be completely honest, I have felt like absolute shit. I'm done tip toeing around, this is me! I swear when I feel like it, especially in my blog. This week has sucked big time. Darnell and I got into, mostly because I just couldn't admit that I was hitting rock bottom and feeling shitty. Once I could express that, well obviously he knew why I was acting like a weird o, lol. He of course just wants me to be honest w/ him and keep him clued in. I tend to hold it all in until it spills out.  So we are all good now. I'm thankful that he is understanding and patient. This year has really been horrible. with all my physical issues that have started plus the assault.. I mean really, can a girl get a break? I know it could always be worse. HOWEVER..for me, this feels WORSE. I can barely function some days. Other days I can bake and cook and crochet and sounds and function like a semi normal person. 
This is NOT what I wanted for myself. THis is not where I saw myself. I feel like a failure in so many ways. But yet I know that mental illness itself is nothing to be ashamed of. It runs in my family. At times I feel guilty that I passed this on to Isaiah.  But I know I don't have control of such things. 
This year I have had a handful of friends who have been here for me, thru it all. They have talked me thru the tough times, sent me encouraging emails, made me laugh, sat w/ me at Starbucks and just listened to me. For that, my friends, I will forever be grateful. Unfortunately I have found that some people just aren't there for you in times of crisis. People you thought would be, however it is what it is. People do what they can do. Just like right now, I am not capable of much. If you don't have it to give, you just don't. It doesn't make you horrible, it just makes you human. 
Thankfully though, 95% of my friends and family have been absolutely fabulous to me this year. I am beyond thankful. And I will be so glad to say goodbye to 2011!!                  

Sunday, December 11, 2011

If ONLY....

If only you knew how hard it is for me to just be..
If only you knew how badly I want to feel normal.
~ to not feel depressed..
~to not feel withdrawn
~to go thru a day w/o memories that feel like they will haunt me for the rest of my life
~to not feel like everyone is judging me and hating me
~to have the energy my kids deserve I have to keep up with them
~to not be awake half the night b/c depression and sorrow feel like they have taken over my soul
~ to feel like someone sucked the breath right out of me, and I am constantly gasping for fresh air
~ to physically not be in some kind of pain
~ to lead a "normal"  life 
Every day is a challenge. Just taking a shower some days feels like a huge feat to me. Knowing I have to go somewhere, knowing I have appointments, that I have to take the kids somewhere or that I have errands to run cause anxiety in me the night before, probably to the point that that's why I am up half the night. Simple things for others feel like climbing a mountain to me. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to cuddle up in my bed and never come out. People don't understand this. In the world's eye's it's called "laziness".. suck it up.. get over it. etc... well if it were that easy jack ass, I would have done that. I don't WANT to feel this way. I am seeing a shrink and a therapist. I'm on meds. I can hear the next suggestion.. well you just need to go to church. well God can't meet me where I am at? Because me, going to church right now, isn't happening. If I do go it's because I pull every fiber of my being together for my kids b/c they need to be there. I pray, I have my time w/ God. I haven't left God. he hasn't left me. I'm  not even mad at God at this point. I got over that. 
I just feel...miserable. I want to be happy. I have a few close friends that have been here for me thru all of this. I have a few that I now know just can't be here for me and, well whatever. it is what it is. I have enough I'm dealing with to worry about people who have not worried one bit about me! And I don't say that the way it sounds, it just like I said, it is what it is. People do what they can. 
Most of all.......I wish I could get it together so my babies didn't see their mama like this. 

Sunday, December 4, 2011

writer's remorse??

I had a case of writer's remorse this morning when I woke up and remembered what I blogged about last night. But the more I thought about it, the more I am glad I am open about my situation. Believe me, there's plenty more I don't share, don't need to and don't want to. But I think there's something to be said for stepping out in faith and not being afraid to talk about a portion of what you go through. 

I seem to be going thru a very dark season in my life, between the assault (which is hard enough all by itself) and my health issues, I feel like I'm barely hanging on. But I want to focus tonight on the blessings in my life. First and foremost my relationship w/ God. He has never left or forsaken me, he does not judge me and his arms are always wide open for me, no matter how many times I screw up. I have a husband that loves me unconditionally, he spoils me and treats me like a princess. We've been married for 15 years and been thru a lot, and we are still in love. My kids. My babies. I could go on forever about what blessings they are. I couldn't have imagined having kids as awesome as they are. I have an awesome best friend, Julie! She has been here for me this year in the way  a sister is. We've been best friends for so many years that I just feel so blessed to call her my BFF. She genuinely cares about me, my family, she calls me to make sure I'm ok, she remembers the little things. She's a blessing. I have a lot of awesome friends that do the same. It's something I do not take for granted. I don't know what I'd do w/o them in my life. And my family, well there aren't enough words. my mom is there for me for anything and everything and supports me. I don't know what I'd do w/o her. 
So even though I have  a lot of crap going on, I am TRYING to find the good and remember the good in my life. I don't like my circumstances but I can't change them. So..I'm doing the best I can. We have Christmas to look forward to, then at the end of January our dream family vacation to Disney World. God is good. 

Saturday, December 3, 2011


As I have stated before, in my blog I will be 100% honest. I have a tendency to worry about what people will think about me. However, this is my blog. My place to write out my thoughts and if someone doesn't like it, don't read it. And I say that not meanly, but very seriously. 
so...The last few weeks have been hard. Dealing w/ a lot of anxiety, stress etc... I am going down a road that isn't good. With the assault that happened in July, at first well for the first couple months I think I was in denial. And then in November, BAM it hit me like a freaking mack truck. I am not the kind of person that can hold this all in. Of course I hold back the really personal stuff, but it's therapeutic for me to blog. 
So here I am blogging about something most women don't even talk about. I'm telling you, I just don't do anything normal. lol. But now, I'm feeling nervous and anxious I can't sleep, or when I do sleep I have weird dreams.I have a hard time going places, I don't want to leave the house..I'm jumpy and antsy and restless. 
I get anxious when I know I have to go somewhere. Like tomorrow morning, the girls need to be at church for a choir thing and I have anxiety already about going. Doesn't make a bit of sense, but it just is how I feel. And how do you make sense of stuff like that? My best days are when I know I don't have to go anywhere. I realize this isn't healthy, and I have an appt on Monday w/ a counselor. But for right now, this is just how it is. 
I am mad about what happened to me. I'm not afraid to say it, I was raped. Sexually assaulted, whatever. I don't know how women hold this in. If I did that, I'd be more of a basket case than I already am. It goes against the grain to publicly talk about stuff like this, but if you don't shine the light into the darkness, then you are just stuck in the dark. How can you heal? How can you move forward in the dark? how can God shine his light and help you thru if you basically deny that something ever happened? I tried denying it. It makes you miserable. 
So on that note, I may try and sleep or I may not b/c as I said, I've had trouble sleeping. I get restless and antsy at night. I used to sleep everything off. that was my way of dealing w/ things. Now, If I sleep more than 5 hrs at a time I'm lucky. booooo...........