And so it begins!

Tomorrow is the big day! Jeremiah's last year of middle school, Haley's first day, Savannah's last year of elementary and Isaiah's first full day in first grade! A lot of milestones! We have been extremely blessed by our mom's helping us out w/ school supplies etc... then we got 2 checks in the mail I wasn't counting on getting so we were able to get a few last minute things and got some good deals! Today I spoke w/ Isaiah's teacher to give her a head's up on his situation, then I talked w/ the nurse at the Real school for Haley and cathing. I REALLY have taken for granted the last 6 years for her to be able to go to the nurse, cath and that's that. Now that she's older and at a different school it's not quite as easy for her to cath privately..there isn't a nurse's office w/ a private bathroom for her to go and take care of things. However she has an uncanny abiblity to really adjust well. The only thing that rattled her was the thought of walking home from the bus stop alone. We assured her she won't have to walk home alone. It's funn b/c when you're kids get older and you think they need you less, in reality, they really still need you. It makes me think of kids that have parents that don't soothe their kids, aren't there to make them feel better. I am happy my kids are able to come to us and tell us how they feel.
I have been in a weird spot lately. Isaiah's behavior over the last few weeks have taken it's toll on me. I have an appt. wednesday evening w/ my cousnelor. I so so so need to get myself together. I feel like one minute I feel on top of the world, the next the world is crashing down around me,...Ido however think w/ the kids getting back into school will help and get things a little more on schedule! I am givng the whole situation w/ Isaiah to God. I am prayng that his experiences are good, his anxiety is low..
My dad will be here this weekend! And w/in the next week or so we'll prob be getting together w/ my brothers and their families. Still kind of in shock w/ all that. I hope we can all bond(sounds cheezy I know).. but how often does a person get the chance to connect w/ siblings you never knew? Now days, w/ the economy being in the toilet, people losing jobs, homes, etc.. family is what it is all about. Thankfully the our families are awesome, we are definately blessed by them. so it's all in God's hands.

I am going to start training for a triathalon. It's not for a whole year, but that gives me plenty of time to lose some weight, get in shape, etc.. it also gives me someting to work towards. With the kids being in school I am HOPING to get into a routine of working out.. we'll see...

2 Days!

2 more days till the kids go back to school! Just a little bit excited! Although I don’t think it has completely hit me that Haley is starting middle school. WOW!!
So it’s been on my mind about a woman’s body image. We all struggle with it. And if you don’t, you are probably lying. Ha! I have lost a lot of weight due to gastric bypass, but have put on about 40 lbs. Not good. It really does a number on your mind..and emotions. So what it boils down to and I’ll be the first to admit it is that you start comparing yourself to other women. Again, if you don’t do that, either you are extremely secure in yourself, or you are a bold face liar. Just saying….
Yesterday Julie took GOREOUS pics of us. I wanted some good ones of Darnell and I. Of course they turned out beautiful but I did catch myself many times critiquing(sp?) myself. When REALLY these pictures are a forever momento for us, our kids, our family for generations, God willing. No one is going to be obsessing about the things I am.. Or if they are they do not know the real meaning of family, haha…I put myself thru such a roller coaster emotionally, one day being all hyped up about zumba, eating right, drinking tons of water..etc.. then I have other days where I could care less. I really need to find a happy medium. Again I have a goal.. Once the kids are back in school I want to get into a routine. I don’t want to waste my time or my days. So I am going to post a few pics Julie took…totally beautiful!

what a day!

It's 2:37 a.m. Why am I still up? well because I spent almost 7 hrs going to and from children's hospital w/ Haley. here's the short version.. she went to church sunday evening to play dodgeball, she didn't fall, get hit,NOTHING, but came home saying her hip hurt. Now, because of her surgeries to repair her pelvic and hip bones when she was younger, I am always cautious about any kind of pain she has. we waited it out a couple of days, iced it, kept her off of it a bit, but it was getting worse. So today I decided I better bring her in to get it checked. And of course I can't bring her to the hospital here in Racine. With her extensive and unique medical history, they would have almost no idea how to deal w/ her or misdiagnose her. I was going to wait until the mornign, then I figured I mine as well bring her in. It's amazing how God gives you those motherly instincts. In January when we brought her in for pain in almost the same spot they didn't find anyting except, for lack of a better more medical explaniation, a funny spot on her hip bone. It's the same spot now that is bugging her. You can see it on the xray and when they examined her that's where the pain is. Normally that shouldn't cause a problem, but we have learned that it seems our family is always the exception, not the rule, lol.. so if the pain doesn't subside after staying off of it and tylenol we may need to bring her to the orthopedic surgeon who did her original surgery for an MRI. However, for tonight, she is home safe and sound sleeping peacefully. When we were in the ER, one of the nurses that took care of her when she was 2 was her nurse tonight. She spent SOOOO much time up there from 2001-2002, we had a few nurses that were practically like family. They made the time there bearable. They made it easier for Darnell and I to go back and forth, they absolutely LOVED Haley. they would fight over who was going to be her nurse. And who wouldnt'? lol.. So.. my feathers are not too ruffled, I'm tired but feeling good for the most part.
Today, well technically yesterday the 25th was Savannah's 10th bday. WOW... my baby girl is in double digits. she is an amazing kid. she entertains herself, she is SOOO thoughtful, so easy going, and she's a riot. the family comedian! She is the biggest daddy's girl I have ever seen. she is just crazy for Darnell. it's precious. I am so thankful that our kids have a daddy that they love, that is a good example, he takes an active interest in them, and it's not out of obligation, he geniuenly (sp?) wants to know how their days go etc...Our girls will hopefully find a man who is like him, he treats me like a princess, so hopefully they will see that that is how you treat a woman. He's not over the top, but they see how a loving husband looks like and the boys will hopefully learn from Darnell's example on how to be a loving, caring, FUN daddy and husband someday! Who could ask for more? As I see other parents, I wonder what people think of me when they see me... I am working on my outward apperarnce. I have gone for so long w/o doing my hair, wearing makeup etc.. that it's time for me to start kicking it up a notch. I also am committing myself to doing zumba regularly. I also think I need to take more time for myself, quiet time to pray, etc... My mom has always been a good example to me on how to be an awesome mom. I hope someday my kids will feel the same way about me. I am blessed that I can stay home with them. Of course it's difficult finincially sometimes, HOWEVER God always provides. My place, my ministry is to be at home w/ my children. to be Haley and Isaiah's advocate, their voice for their disabilities, to be there for Jeremiah and savannah as they deal w/ having siblings w/ issues and to support Darnell. Someday I do want to be a nurse. Right now though, my place is at home. To some that may be old fashioned, but this is what's right for our family. So.. since I am rambling on and on.. I will be done. I need to go to sleep. Less than a week till school starts!!!

zumba!!

I exercised 2 days in a row! yesterday me and the boys went for long walk, we ran up and down a set of 50 stairs..I made it up and down 4 times.. felt like i was going to pass out when i was done, lol..Today I went to zumba right down at the beach. I made ( my kids words) the best dinner EVEr tonight. Plus today I got a bunch of paper work taken care of. feels good.

So, I know I am always so sappy and mushy about Darnell. However, he really deserves it. This morning he left me a sweet message on my facebook wall. Then after work, he came home and w/ the girls, listened to Miley Cyrus and cleaned the kitchen completely! He said they were singing and cleaning, lol.. I went to barnes and Noble to chill. Darnell needs to teach classes on how to be a fabulous dad and husband. He is soo patient w/ me, w/ my issues, lol...I just am so blessed.
I was reading the book " The Bipolar child"...well if that didn't confirm Isaiah's diagnosis, nothing will. So much of what I read is Isaiah to a T. right down to him obsessing about being bored. Even that was in the book!!! I feel validated. It also said it's soooo typical for families that deal w/ this to sort of suffer in silence b/c most bipolar kids save all their rage and crazy behavior for home. It's the most comfortable place for them to let out their emotions. So when someone says, oh he's so cute and nice...etc... well I want to say that's all wonderful, but right before we got here he tried to take me out w/ a remote control b/c he chucked it across the room. I absolutely feel so good knowing that isaiah's diagnosis is correct. Dealing w/ it is a differnt issue entirely.. but for now, just knowing more about it helps. well I am done for the day.. zumba wore me out, lol...

Depression

Have you seen the commerical about depression meds that says " depression hurts" well it's true..It hinders so much of your life. So many people can say well just cheer up or snap out of it, well if it were that easy don't you think I would do that? I mean really... would I choose to be depressed, not have any energy, not want to go anywhere or do anything? I hate having things to do, places to go and I literally can NOT make myself go. And what the heck do you say to someone, oh well I'm depressed, I can't go? Then all that ends up happening is you turn into the unreliable person who shows up for some things, and not others. It's not because you liked one event over anohter, it's how you woke up and felt that day...I've listened to Joyce Meyers for years and she always says don't let your feelings/emotions dicate your actions. Beleive me, this is not what depression is. I just want to cry sometimes because I feel like I'm letting my family down, letting friends down because I am so stuck, i guess is the best word. I am doing my best to manage this. There are just some days I feel like I just want to be forgotten. Does that make sense? Just so I can be...be without constantly having someone need me. And of course I get it, I am a mother of 4 kids, I chose this, I wouldnt' change it, but dealing w/ depression puts a kink in things, a lot!!! When Darnell's home, he's does so much. He is an awesome support. I feel bad for him, having to deal w/ me, lol...I will say, I won't quit trying to feel better, to get better.

Nice Sunday

Today was a good day! Last night the girls had their friends sleep over. Isaiah slept till 11 a.m.!! Nice! I made chocolate ganache cupcakes. They were good. My mom said I am back to my old self. Savannah is in the bathtub pretending she is a mermaid. Haley told me to write that, haha. But when my iron was so low and I was sick I didn't bake at all. My mom always says I am like my grandma, she was a really good cook/baker. When I bake and cook I feel close to my grandma. Plus I love cooking and baking for my family. Being a wife and mom can be draining yet so rewarding all in the same breath. Today Jeremiah and Isaiah went to my mom's and did yard work. Jeremiah is like an inch and a half taller than my aunt sheila. She wasn't too happy about that, hehe... Darnell's mom bought Jeremiah's school shoes and he had to get a size 12 in mens! OMG!! he's gonna be tall like his daddy! I went to get the boys from my mom's house and when we got home Darnell was home from work and he had done the dishes from my mess I made from making cupcakes! He really is awesome. I absolutely love him so much!!! He works hard for us, he helps me at home, he doesn't complain. I am the big complainer, lol.. gotta work on that. Darnell is generally a very positive person, and I need to be more like that. Tomorrow morning, I do NOT have to get up and take anyone anywhere!!! for 2 whole weeks, I don't have to do any major running around!!! I really want to enjoy the last 2 weeks of summer. Hopefully it won't get so blasted hot again. On Labor day weekend my dad will be here!! I can't wait to see him. Plus I'll be getting together w/ my brothers and their families. It's so crazy that I will meet them, meet my nieces and nephews! Since Jeremiah was born everyone has said how much J looks like Darnell, now we see such similarities from my dad's side of the family. Who woulda thought? I have to say, my babies are gorgeous! No matter how old they are, they'll always be my babies. No matter how ornery I get, how crabby, at the end of the day, my kids and Darnell are my world.

Blessings!!!

In the last week, God has provided in some incredible ways! It seems as if things are coming together! I am completely humbled by how God provides and who he uses to bless people. My girls are at camp and having a blast I am sure! Darnell got his raise, he got some overtime too. School starts soon, woo-hoo! Isaiah is on new meds and man is it hard on him. He had a rough morning. It was like a flash back of last summer. I am hoping the rest of the week goes better. Life is unpredictable w/ him. I have this book on how to deal w/ difficult kids. To even admit that you have a difficult child is hard. And, even harder to realize I will always have a difficult child unless something changes drastically. The saying" One day at a time" takes on a whole new meaning.
I watched a documentary on the homeless that live in Orange County, CA. Very very sad. These families that live like a block away from Disney land but live in a hotel room. Whole families living in a one room place. The kids have nothing to look forward to, they have so many life experiences that are so sad. Makes me very appreciative for my family and what we have!!

Humbling

So today I am laying in bed praying for groceries. Literally thinking about my bare fridge and freezer and cupboards.. trying to figure out how we are going to pay bills, buy groceries, gas, etc.. Isaiah walks in my room w/ a huge squash and cucumber from our neighbors garden. To me, that was complete confirmation that God will provide. I am pretty open about my life but to admit that we dont have hardly any groceries is even hard for me to publisize. But it's the truth. Everything is on Empty. Even the van. But I feel like sharing this will help someone. I don't know who, but I will tell you what, when people open up, and you share your struggles you find that so many are in the same boat but you also can be a support to each other. Darnell works dang hard and it's frustrating when everything is so expensive and it's hard to make ends meet. We don't qualify for any kind of help so even though we are in a rough spot, I know God will provide. He always does. It's humbling, it's scary, but this is life. Our list of things we literally need is endless, but if I focus on that alone, I'll be in a very dark place! I choose to trust in God, my provider. It's not always easy but it is necessary. When I share so much on facebook, on my blog, it's not because I just love to spill it all for the whole world. Part of it is, that's just how I am. But I also believe that I am not the only feeling the way I do, going thru these struggles..if we are going to go thru them, why not at least go thru it together.

A fly on the wall...

I Wish I could be a fly on the wall in other people's houses. Not in a creepy kind of way, but to see other people's reality.. I see people, our friends, church friends, family who seem to have it together. Like they don't thave that nagging worry in the back of their mind about bills, family situations, etc... It would be nice to see not that someone else's struggle, but that I'm not the only one. I guess that is part of the reason I am so transparent. I don't hold too much back. Obviously, or I wouldn't have this blog! We struggle, it seems as if we have always struggled finacially. And it's sort of a taboo thing to really talk about. We have been extremely blessed in so many ways by so many people. sometimes I am sorta scared to even ask God for another miracle or what have you.. like I met my quota. However I know God will meet our needs. I know so many people are worse off and I pray for them as well. In spite of all we have gone through, I am still amazed that we are blessed in so many ways. Today, I am going to focus on what God has done for us and that he promises to meet our needs.
The kids go back to school in a month! Whoo-hoo!! lol.. I am hoping we can get Jeremiah into the Real School w/ Haley. we'll see!