WARNING!!COMPLAINING!!!WHINING!!!!

~Currently listening to Lenny Kravitz' "I want to fly away"


So...I'm going to complain and whine a bit, SO...if you are reading this and will judge me for it, leave now. Seriously.

I am tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. This summer has taken so much out of me. Not only having the most traumatic personal experience I'll probably ever go through and dealing w/ the aftermath of that, but having this Chiari flare up and make things hell. I've been on so many different kinds of rescue meds, over the counter stuff..you name it. Now I'm on a steroid and hoping that this will help. It's only a 10 day thing so who the heck knows what I'll do after that. My nerves are shot, I'm exhausted. I honestly don't ever remember feeling this wore out in so many ways. Nothing seems to help..I just want to go somewhere and come back and feel refreshed. The thing about that is, this whole chiari thing is chronic. No end in sight. period. Just going back and forth w/ the Dr, meds, tests, and in between all that having headaches that LITERALLY feel like someone injected a mini jack hammer in my head, sometimes right behind my eye. Making me feel like I'm going to puke, dizzy and like I would just rather be in a coma. I just don't want to FEEL anything. Because in the last 6 weeks, nothing feels good. I realize that life cannot be based on emotion, or shouldn't be.  I have an AMAZING husband, who has been the only thing that has kept me going. He has prayed for me, encouraged me, loved me even when I felt dirty and worthless and unloveable. He is the one thing that has kept my head above water. I feel bad even complaining b/c I don't want him to think that his efforts to make everything better are all for not. I guess it's one of those things that I know I have to work through...but have I mentioned I'M TIRED of working thru so much shit???? really...I could do w/o the constant aray of crap that gets thrown my way. Now, I do realize how incredibly selfish that sounds  and everyone has their own crap to deal with. I'm just saying I'm tired of my crap. I think i'm entitled to whine and cry and kick my feet like a 2 yr old once in awhile. at least in my blog i can. In real life I have to be a mom, a wife, someone who can keep it together. It's hard to keep pretending that I have it together when really, I don't.  It feels like a giant effort just to get thru a day. So I think I'm done for now. Not much else to say.......

DISNEY WORLD!!!!!!!

We are going to DISNEY WORLD!!!!! January 29- Feb 4th, 2012!!! It is an absolute miracle! God has blessed us in a way I NEVER expected! The trip is booked, my mama is coming w/ us, we are also going w/ our awesome friends the Pritikins! We are booking our reservations for the restaurants we want to eat at when we are there.  We are staying at the Wilderness Lodge and we are getting an awesome deal~ This is something that we have been wanting to do for YEARS.  We never thought it would happen. God opened a HUGE door and dropped it in our lap!  At first I was a bit hesitant b/c it's obviously expensive and we have bills etc.. HOWEVER...this is what convinced me. Life is short. We are ALWAYS going to have bills, we are always going to have debt. Our kids will not always be young and home. We have ONE shot at parenting. We have a limited time to make these memories. The memories that we are going to make are going to last a lifetime. Darnell and I never had the opportunity to go on a family vacation like this. This is one of those things we wanted to give our kids b/c we didn't have it. I do not want to have regrets when the kids are grown and think dang, we should have bit the bullet and took the kids on this vacation. I feel like if we don't invest time, money and energy on building these memories w/ our children, we would be missing out on so much. Our family has been thru hell and back. Seriously, Haley's surgeries, scares of more surgery, Isaiah's hospital stays, his issues, now my diagnosis of having chiari, the crap that happened this summer, and all 4 kids having to endure all of this. They are amazingly well adjusted in spite of it all. But they DESERVE it. We deserve it. I am learning that God wants us to enjoy our lives. To some, that may be a no brainer. But after years of so much, well for lack of a better work, SHIT, we deserve to give our children a trip they'll never forget. And damnit, Darnell and I do too! 
My mom is coming w/ us which is fabulous b/c she has never had this kind of vacation either! And we also get to spend it w/ our awesome friends Jim and Jodi and their kids! God is so good. 
I feel like after some very rough months, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I have had some killer migraines this last 3 weeks. I mean, 2 trips to the ER, I wanted to put myself into a coma they get so bad. The worst part is that at this point, I have NO hope of this ever getting better. Well when I look at it thru my human eyes. When I put God into the equation, that changes. At this point, I am still suffering w/ these headaches, neck pain that is just as bad....it affects every part of my life. It truly feels like a disability at times. I have to plan out my days, think about what I am going to do b/c I don't want to bring on a headache etc...However, I'm willing to accept this until God decides to heal me. I'm going to be having a nerve block procedure to help w/ the neck pain. I have a husband and kids that know that I am limited in what I can do and they do so much to help and make up for what I can't do. I am very thankful for my family! 

what a month it has been!

I survived one of the toughest months in my whole life. It ranked right up there w/ the extremely rough days and nights when Haley was in the hospital or Isaiah was. I truly give God all the glory. Darnell has been my biggest support. He has prayed over me, anointed me w/ oil while I was sleeping, you name it!!! 
Despite the tragedy, I am already seeing what God is doing and will continue to do in my life. 
Tonight I was driving, and I have to say, I think I was born in the wrong generation. I have always thought that. The idea of being a wife and mother, cooking and baking for my family is enough to fill my love tank. I want to give my family a cozy, warm, love filled home. I love family get togethers and cook outs and friday nights at HOME. Every now and then the wild side comes out in me and I want to go live it up, but I'll tell you what, after last month's horrendous incident i will never , EVER again take for granted the the sweet silence of my home. Or folding laundry and being around my kids on a fri/sat night. It gives me a sense of security. I think now more than ever since my sense of security and everything else was pulled out from under me. 
I think, or rather I know that our marriage is in the strongest place it's ever been. They say what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger, and if anything could take down Darnell and I, it was the events of this last month. Instead, we gave it to God. We turned to Godly wisdom, we prayed, we cried, laughed and even fought it out a bit. And it's been a roller coaster but one that has put us in the best place we've ever been in. I want my life to reflect God's love, I want to make him happy. I am praying God will direct me to whatever he has for me. 
I've been to the ER twice in 7 days for the migraines. The 2nd time I went to the one in Franklin, I was told that it's a much much better facility than St Mary's. And it is. they gave me the meds I wanted to help the headache go away. And of course it's a narcotic and so I don't want to look like I'm looking for drugs. The worst part of having chairi is that you have to jump thru a million hoops to get to the right Dr, get the right tests and then FINALLY get meds that will help w/ the headache from Hell. So.. I will continue to jump thru hoops. I've actually gotten quite good at it.. especially when getting Isaiah in the right classes, right school. Now I just need to find him a good psychiatrist that will help us deal w/ some of his issues that are beyond us and we'll be headed in the right direction.
Well, time of for bed. Eyes are starting to droop! 

Blessed

On Monday I had to go to the ER for a Chairi headache. It had started on Saturday in my neck and just kept getting worse. When I woke up Monday morning I just could not handle it. I was disappointed when I went and the meds they gave me were not at ALL what I had hoped. I left and still had a headache. The meds made me feel like I had restless body syndrome or something. It's so discouraging to go with the hopes of leaving pain free and then you don't!  Then it took a day or more to recover from having such a bad migraine. I have to say, once you feel better, you feel like a brand new person! 

I feel as if I am recovering quite well from what I went through last month. Darnell and I have grown so close throughout the last month. It is remarkable. We have talked more, like really talked in depth more than we ever have. That has helped me SOOO much. We both have totally fallen in love with each other all over again. It's crazy. crazy awesome!!! God has worked so much in our marriage. We are 2 months away from our 15 year anniversary! I wish we had the means to go on a vacation, but we are hoping to figure out a way to sneak away for a few days. After the year we've had, I think we both just need time to spend together, w/o any distractions. Darnell is the LOVE OF MY LIFE. We may sound sickening, but guess what? I DON'T CARE!!!  

I have peace. That doesn't mean that everything in life is all in order or perfect, and it never will be because that's just crazy. But God has given me peace. We were blessed and able to get the kids all of their school supplies and get a decent start on school clothes. This is the FIRST year that we have it all, even their shoes and what not 3 whole weeks before school starts. I am so thankful for my life. My family, my friends, everything that God has blessed us with. I would normally look at all the crap that's gone on especially this year w/ me and just be depressed and mad at God. But thru the dark times, I still see God's hand. During those dark times is when God comes in and shines his light. WE have to allow him to, we have to have that  door open. Don't get me wrong, it's hard sometimes. Of course I'm not thrilled to be diagnosed w/ a chronic condition that is unpredictable and all that, or that I went thru a traumatic experience that will always be something I can't forget. But if I close that door to God, that leaves me hopeless. It's WORK to CHOOSE to look to God sometimes when our circumstances are pulling us in every other direction. I am fighting, fighting for my life, for my kids, to keep turning to God. 

I am blessed, beyond belief. 

August, really?

It's August already. I can't believe it. On September 1st, my Jeremiah will be a freshman. My girls will both be in middle school! And Isaiah will be in 2nd grade. I look back at the last several years and sometimes they seem like a blur. A lot has happened, good and bad. God has blessed our family. Even through the trials, I still see where He was with us and how he has blessed us. 
Darnell and I have been a couple for 17 years. Half our lives.  And the most awesome thing about it is that we are still in love with each other. When I met him I was a very shy girl that had never had a boyfriend. I had no idea how to respond to his interest in me. Of course it didn't take long before I knew He was the ONE. That girl that I was back then was naive, insecure, and had no idea that I would spend my life with the love of my life. I will admit I am still insecure about a lot of different things, but God is working on me.  I am ready for a new chapter to start in our life. A better one. The last several months have brought heartache and pain. However God will restore me. He is my refuge, my comfort, my help. Without Him, I am nothing. I praise God that I have Hope! 

People say.....

People say that you could never imagine going thru"fill in the blank". Well I think I've gone thru quite a bit of the things I never imagined I would. And I am not even 35 yet.  People also say well you must be really strong. WRONG! God gives me strength. That is the ONLY way I would ever get through a single day let alone the things I face. Right now I guess I'm in the healing phase of what I went through. I shared my experience w/ most of my friends and families. Well not all the details obviously, but that is like thearpy for me. 
I never expected to go thru what I did. In the same respect, I didn't expect to have 2 children w/ disabilities, or that I  would be diagnosed w/ a chronic condition that I haven't even scratched the surface of figuring out what the next step for that is. 
Some days I'll be honest and just feel so mad at God. Like, really, all this wasn't enough? It seems as if we deal w/ so much and then add money worries on top of that, and all that crap. I just feel like it's never going to end. I know it will. I know God has a plan. I also know that it is ok to be angry w/ God. I will not sin in that anger, but I know I can feel it. I also know that so much happens b/c God has something planned for later on. 
I just have to keep swimming. Even when I don't want to. Thankfully, I have an AMAZING husband who often is life raft! 
Right now I'm still feeling a whirlwind of emotions. But I know I will keep going. God is carrying me when I can't go on. 
I have a confession. I know that I have a serious problem w/ comparing myself to other wives/mothers. I look at them and see how they are either thin and gorgeous, plus patient and kind and never seem to lose their cool. Or I see that they have a ton going on in their life yet they are plugging along working full time and what not and I tend to totally shut down when it all hits the fan. 
I never feel good enough. With some of the mistakes I have made I can't let go of the guilt. Or the shame. To be sexually assualted and not feel shame is probably normal. It doesn't make me feel any better though. 
I wish I could see myself thru someone else's eyes. Ok, let me rephrase that, thru someone who has a healthy outlook on life and can tell me honestly what they see. I know I'm on the verge, like tippy toe steps away from dealing w/ the big huge monster called my self esteem. To be continued..........