Thursday, March 22, 2012


Spring is here! Thank GOD! We didn't have much of a winter and I am so ok with that. I have been thinking a lot about my blog and what I write and I am beginning to realize that I share a lot of how crappy I feel. So, today despite how I feel I will share some of the random things that are GOOD! 
Isaiah's IEP went well. his progress is awesome. If you compare where he is now to where he was 2 years ago, it's astounding. I'm so proud of him. He is making so much great head way. We now have 2 teenagers in the house. We always talked about this and I have to say, my teenagers are exceptions to the rule. We don't deal with the typical teenage crap from them. Savannah is 11 1/2 and taller than Haley. They are babysitting and loving life. All of my fears I had for Haley have been eased. She still faces different trials, bladder exstrophy doesn't go away. However right now she is doing fabulous and seeing how well adjusted she is does my heart good. Dealing w/ Isaiah's issues does tend to get overwhelming at times, but we are seeing a new therapist and I am hoping to learn some new techniques on how to handle his behavior. Jeremiah Haley and Savannah have become such awesome siblings to him, I truly believe it will make them more empathic people. The days that they play well together and laugh and giggle and still  have "sleepovers" in  the living room are days I can't take for granted. Especially in light of my depression issues I absolutely need to focus on these things. 
I love the relationship Darnell has w/ our kids. I've said it before and they just are getting the cream of the crop as far as daddy's go. No matter how tired he is, he still will play a video game w/ jeremiah, they will talk at night about sports and guy stuff. he connects w/ the girls, this pre-teen/teenage stuff has not gotten in the way of them bonding w/ him. And I love how Darnell connects w/ Isaiah..he absolutely does a fabulous job. I feel blessed to be a part of my family. 
And I think the thing that I really am most thankful for is my family accepting me when I am not at my best, when my emotions are running high, or when the migraines I get really get out of hand. They pull together and are here for me. And for the first time I will say "publicly" I am there for them. I can't be perfect, I can't be all things to everyone, but I am giving everything I can. I pray that God fills in the gap. well let me rephrase, I am thankful that God does fill in the gap. 
I pray that as we begin the spring season God will lift my mood and continue to help me dwell on the things he has blessed me with. 

Monday, March 19, 2012

Fight or Flight!

I'm getting close to my 35th bday and with that being said, I find that what I think and how I feel need to have their places. Some of that comes out in my blog and some doesn't. Lord knows I've dealt with enough adversity especially in the last year and I feel like I'm getting this "fighting"  spirit rise up in me. Not all the time, but when I think of things in my life that I want to change ~ I just am ready for it. I have a lot of emotion that gets in the way and that's something I have to fight thru as well. I just know that God has more for me, my family and I am excited to see what it is. And I'm going to fight for it which I guess sounds funny but I will. I know some days are better than others but I do believe I am on my way! 

Friday, March 2, 2012


Well I don't think it's a big secret that I deal w/ anxiety and depression. Lately it has really had a hold on me. The least little things are stressing me out, making me on edge and well just making me feel horrible. I have a few appointments this month and I am already feeling the anxiety of having to go to them. Why? I don't know. That's the hardest part. Explaining WHY I feel anxious about simple and ordinary things is darn near impossible. It sucks. It literally feels like someone is sucking the life out of me. I am the mother of 4 kids, one that has special needs and I NEED to be on top of what's going on w/ him. I am but I know that I could be doing so much more!!! 
To want to do things and then with everything in me feel like I just CAN'T is the most horrible, indescribable feeling. 
Then when I am feeling good, my mind races with all the things I am missing out on, all the things I want to do since I am feeling good at the moment. Of course that moment is ALWAYS at night. So by the morning, the worst part of the day for me those good feelings are long gone and replaced by feelings of anxiety and fear. 
I just am worn out from the war that rages within me. The feelings of guilt for not being the mom/wife I want to be or think I should be. 
I see other moms and just wish I could have it "together" like I think they do. Why is it so hard for me to do the things that I used to do and want to do? I am fighting the tears as I type because I am just so sick of crying and fighting this. 
I feel like a failure at just about everything, I realize this is not true but my mind tells me something different. 
I am not writing this to write a sad story~ this is just where I am at right now. I have faith and I pray and I just still feel  lost.