Monday, November 30, 2009

Venting sorta

Well I haven't blogged in awhile..we got the tree up and decorated outside, we put up icicle lights and it looks so nice. The kids are excited. We put the tree up and the house feels so cozy. Thanksgiving was good, I can't believe how fast this year has gone. I started my iron pills, YAY!! I am still concerned about my blood sugars, they have been high and shouldn't be. I am hoping it is not diabetes, however my odds aren't good. But we'll see. My issues w/ depression have been so-so. Some days I feel great, others I feel like crap. Yesterday I stayed in bed pretty much all day. I was so tired and slept on and off all day. I am realizing that I have the choice over how my mood is going to dictate my day. I could be going to the Y more, I could be doing so much more, yet I don't. THis is the time of year that we all reflect on the events of the year past. 2009 pretty much sucked. It's been roller coaster after another. Everything w/ Isaiah has spun my head around so many times, and I wonder why I am depressed. Isaiah's issues are so complicated in so many ways...the unknown of what his future holds scares me. He is home and should be in school, he is delayed in so many areas. There are days that his behavior makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry...there are days that his smile lites up the room. THe ups and downs sometimes are just soo much. I know for a fact God has sustained me, If not I surely would have been admitted to the psych ward months ago, lol...I am blessed in so many come I can't thrive on that? I guess it's a day to day choice. I wanted to be in clinicals by now, on my way to becoming a nurse, I wanted Isaiah to be thriving in first grade and my life is not that at all. I have 2 kids that have disabilities, Haley is doing well but there is always that little voice in my head that reminds me that at any point things could drastically change for her, and she could need surgery. However, I know what we've gone thru w/ her and survivied, I have no doubt God would see us thru anything. I guess I'm just rambling...good thing to do right before you go to sleep...

Friday, November 27, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I cannot belive that it's Thanksgiving already. Well technically it's over now. but you get the picutre! We went to mom's for the first half of the our day. It was great! The kids had a blast, Darnell tore up mom's sweet potatoes and we enjoyed each other's company. When we were driving to mom's, I saw this young woman walking and I've seen her walking before. I"m no expert, but I have a feeling she's a drug addict. She always looks strung out, and just has that look about her, unkempt clothes, greasy hair...It made me feel so bad for her and all the others out there that don't have families to go to on holidays. It gives you a new perspective. I don't know how I could ever help her, except pray for her.
I am especially thankful for my hubby and kids this year. It's been one heck of a year. Probably one of the most challenging! I survived though, by the grace of God! I have a husband who does everything he can to help w/ Isaiah, our 3 other kids are well behaved, fun loving kids. Darnell and I were up in our room watching tv and the kids were downstairs playing, the giggling and laughter just lit the whole house up! I don't think there is a better sound than the hearing the laughter of your children! Even though it's been a rough year, I've had to put school on hold, I can't work, but God has provided for us! I am able to stay home and do what needs to be done. Tomorrow we are going to start getting the house decorated for Christmas! I'm excited, last year I was working so much I barely had time to enjoy the season..This year I plan on baking and making our home cozy and inviting and full of hte Christmas spirit. I am off to bed now.. my eyes are VERY heavy!! Time for bed.. while Darnell and Joanie are out at Toys R us starting the black friday craziness. No thanks, I'll stay in my comfty warm jammies and bed!! Happy Thanksgiving!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

foul mood

I am admittedly in the most foul mood lately. You know how you try to talk yourself out of it? Well it isn't working...Isaiah has had a rough week, I called the Dr and he upped one of his meds. His in home teacher started this week, that went great. But I am just tired of his fits and and screaming episodes...Of course I tell myself, give it to God, accept it, learn how to not let it get to me...yeah that's not happening, at least not this week. I know things could always be worse....
I worked out 1 day this week. I should go to the Y today, but I don't see it really want to drop some weight and I need to get back in the swing of things....I'm not going to write anymore cuz I'll just be complaining and whining and why waste the time??

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Productive day

We joined the YMCA again! I'm excited. We were able to get the united Way scholarship so we don't have to pay an arm and a leg, Thank God! I went yesterday and got a great workout in. 30 min on the treadmill and 35 min on the elipitical, then some leg exercises on the machines. It felt good. Today Isaiah's home teacher came today. Isaiah did really well. It was a nice 2 hrs. I got my cornflake chicken all ready, all I have to do is pop it in the oven, I boiled the red potatoes, all I have to do is add some butter and seasonings and heat it up. Then I made pumpkin bread. I am on a roll! And I cleaned the bathrooms, the chore I hate the most!!!! Feels good to get so much accomplished in one morning. And I am almost caught up on my laundry! I am feeling very thankful for my home, for my family. Yesterday evening was yucky for me, I felt lazy and just had no energy. Darnell brought home the movie "UP" and we had a movie night on a school on a school night, the kids were stoked! I fell asleep half way thru! I was asleep before 9, lol. So tonight, I will have made a nice dinner, good dessert and feel like I am a productive stay at home mom. Jen & Kenton's daughter Annabelle is still in the hospital, she has fluid around her heart as a result from the heart surgery she had last month. I feel so bad for them. I know how they feel. I always feel funny saying that, Haley's condition wasn't life threatening, but it was still just as scary and stressful. I know that feeling of tryiing to juggle it all and still keep your head on straight. I have been praying like crazy that these issues will clear up for Annabelle and they will be able to have both girls home and healthy!

Friday, November 13, 2009


Tonight I went out w/ Ruth, Vanessa (and her hubby Wally) & Jaymee for Vanessa's birthday. We went to Raytown Roadhouse. Didn't even know it was downtown, lol..they have a mechanical bull, lol, The music was country, which I like, but the newer country, not the old stuff, lol.. It was fun and it was nice to hang out w/ Ruth Vanessa and Jaymee! It's so weird, we've all known each other since we were so young, now we are all mom's. We are in our 30's *gasp* !!! We got approved for the United Way scholarship for the YMCA so we are renewing our membership tmrw! I am looking forward to working out again. When I used to go, I was in good shape, 25lbs lighter and healthier w/ more energy. I would love to lose like 50+ lbs, but I need to be realistic, lol... I guess I'll just see how it goes. On this friday night it's so funny because I went out, was home by 10, and despite the depression I've been dealing with and all the ups and downs, I like my life. I love my house, I love being a wife and a mom. I probably complain a lot, but in reality, I wouldn't want it any other way. I have a husband who adores me, seriously. Not to sound sassy or whatever, Darnell loves me and shows me in so many different ways. I love how he loves me and our kids. I love being a mom, I love that I can tell what one of my kids is going to say before they say it, then they say, "MOM! how did you know I was going to say that?" LOL, I think it's awesome how God has equipped mothers w/ intiution and wisdom and just the ability to juggle it all. As much as I complain, when it comes down to it, for everything one thing I piss and moan about, I have more blessings than I could ever count! I am blessed. Well I am getting sleepy, time to go to sleep!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


I am crabby.. trying really hard not be but that just seems to make it worse. I have had a few bumps in the road w/ Isaiah. I'm home all day every day w/ him. He's getting bored which leads to a tantrum. I am not creative enough to entertain this boy all day long. I have to make appts for occuptational thearpy and check into the constiptation clinic too. It never ends..I'm thankful that God has allowed me the wisdom( some times, lol) to do all this, but honestly, I am weary.

My 2nd reason for being crabby is that I want a dog. Because we don't own our home, we have a land contract we need permission. With all the respect in the world to the owners of our home, we are paying the mortage, home owners insurance and taxes. To me, I feel like we should be able to have a dog if we want to. But I am tyring very had to just be relaxed about this, allow God to do his thing. I'm not good w/ this whole patience thing, lol..I just really want a dog. It honestly would do sooo much for my mental and emotional state of mind. Sounds like just another reason to get a dog, but most people that know much about dogs know how thearputic dogs can be. I really could use that. So.. I'm done whining. Moving on to prayng and working on staying positive.. easier said than done, but not impossible.

Saturday, November 7, 2009


I have some kind of vertigo, inner ear infection..something funky going on making me SOOOO dizzy!!! If I don't feel better in the morning I may go into the walk in clinic. I don't really want to, but I can't function feeling the way I do. Darnell's home and has tmrw off too so I can rest. The only time I don't feel dizzy is when I'm in one spot, not moving. Not so easy w/ 4 kids.
I am soo happy we are renewing our Y membership. I think part of my foul mood lately has to do w/ the fact that I am home every day all day w/ Isaiah. I suppose I could go visiting...but I've had sick kids home on and off, so the last few weeks that really wasn't an option. I really want to make more of an effort to make it to Nikki's more.. to hang out w/ her of course and to snuggle the girls. I love them soo much.. they are so precious!

I also decided that I need to carve out one on one time w/ each of my kids. TIme is flying, Jeremiah will be a teenager in a month. It truly makes me want to cry. However, I am so proud of the young man he is becoming. Today he went out to church w/ Uncle Chuck for the men's work day, Uncle Chuck said J worked so hard and some of hte other men commented on what a good job he did. That's my boy!! I am extremely blessed to have such a wonderful son. I felt like bragging on him today. I intend to do the same for my other kids in future blogs. I feel each kid deserves their own blog! lol..Well I am off to bed... I took some motion sickness medication to help w/ the dizziness, it's making me sleepy! Good Night!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

part 2..sorta..

I woke up feeling about the same. I am sure it's not the "flu" that's going around. I did call my Dr to make an appt to get blood work done and get this anemia taken care of. My mom made me do it, lol...I have not felt "good" in months.. always tired, lots of headaches... most of it I thought was just from everything going on w/ Isaiah and that is a big part of it. However, I had gastric bypass 5 years ago and I haven't taken my vitamins like I should. So hopefully I can get this taken care of. We are renewing our membership next week at the Y!! I'm so excited. I was a working out fool when we went there, plus it's sooo good for the kids. The teacher that is going to come to our house is starting on Monday. My aunt Linda has an antique desk we can borrow for him. I'm excited. I am hoping he will cooperate. I think being at home, in his own surroundings and having a one on one teacher will hopefully go well for him.
I read over my last blog, and I really feel strongly about getting over feeling guilty about everything! My whole life I have spent worrying about what others think, it's soooo tiring. Now, even if I look as if I am "going off the beaten path" as far as church goes, to set the record straight, I am chosing to listen to God. My life is quite different than most I'd say, I have different issues I deal with. So.. if I don't make it to church, it's between me and God. My children are not going to be traumatized for life... I want them to have a realtionship w/ God, not a feeling of obligation to go to church. I've seen soooo many old friends leave the church and never look back, kids that came from Godly homes. But honestly, I think they might have felt how I do...and alot of people don't understand that, they just judge you. I realize I have rambled, but like I said before, it's my blog, if you don't like it don't read it, haha. For real though, that's truly how I feel. I am trying to get to a point in my life where I can feel the freedom of knowing that I'm at a great place w/ God and whatever that looks like is what it looks like. I don't want to be part of hte cookie cutter christians. I am so happy my kids enjoy church and I will do what I can when I can to make sure they are involved. My kids are awesome. The other day I was in a FOUL mood, I was snapping at them.. all that. At the end of the night I went into their rooms and apologized to each of them and asked them to forgive me. They did, with NO hesitation. If only adults were like that!! My children are so brings tears to my eyes just thinking about each of them and how unique each of the are, how close they are to each other. I am blessed. I will not take that for granted, ever!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

100th Blog!

Well I guess this is my 100th blog since I started it. hmmm.. guess that means I have a lot to say? or complain & whine about? lol... I have a fever and feel like crap. I'm glad Darnell's off the next 4 days...with all these flu's going around, I don't know if I'll wake up fine or worse. I was feeling very guilty about the kids not making it to church tonight ( Jeremiah went, but not the other kids) Guilt is a feeling that I am finding has a real hold over me. I feel guilty about everything, things that I do, don't do, should've done, shouldn't have done, etc...It has been brought to my attention by some very wise women that guilt is not from God. God can convict us, there is a difference. God did not plan for me to live a life filled w/ all this guilt. Our soceity, the church today, ( in MY opinion) has drilled it into our heads that if we don't go to church at all, you are a heathen. If you go but miss church, you are backsliding. If you have an alcholoic drink, you have completely gone off the deep end.. so many rules. Granted, a lot of them are good, they keep us from temptation and are for our own good. However, when you get to the point that you feel guilty about everything, somethings wrong. And it's not about pointing a finger to anyone/thing, rather ME specifically allowing the guilt to creep in and I end up feeling like crap about most everything. Then there is the whole, if you decide to do things differently, you are a radical.. you are a super spiritual nut...whatever, all because you chose to follow a different path. But that path is headed the same direction~ a realationship w/ God. Why are we so quick to judge others when on the outside it looks like we are walking away from God, but in reality we are walking right into his arms. So, I am learning (still) to listen to God, not guilt. This life can be so complicated, but I think we make it more complicated than it ever needed to be. I have been trying to make things more simple, quieter. The other day I left the TV off all day, I played some CD's, but it was just nice. I've always been one that even if I'm not watching TV, I have it just for the noise. Now, I am learnig the sweet sound of silence. Having 4 kids probably has NOTHING to do with it, haha...Well I feel yucky, I need to rest.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Productive Monday

It's Monday again, which I was very happy b/c that meant the kids went back to school. Either my fuse is getting shorter, or they are getting, well I'll be kind, they are getting to be harder to put up with. Yesterday I was ready to SNAP!! Every time I turn around it's "MOM" the level they say/yell that varies, but it almost always involves a tattletale of some kind, whining etc.. you get the picture. Now.. Jeremiah is on Facebook, Haley is on facebook ( all closely monitored of course) but if I hear ONE MORE TIME ...." Mom, can I go on the computer?" Aside from starbucks and my phone, I will w/ no shame, well maybe a little, that this laptop is my lifeline. And now I have children invading in on my space. AHHHHHHHHH!!! Thankfully we have an older laptop that wasn't working, but now is, so they each get their time and I told them if they fight at ALL, I will shut it all down, no matter who's fault it is. Nipping the whole " she did this or that" in the bud.
I got a lot done today! This morning I was lazy for awhile, but once I got in the shower and got moving, I felt good. I actually wore real clothes, not sweats, put on some make up and did my hair. Isaiah and I went to the library, he got some picture books, I got him some alphabet books and some flash cards that we already ran thru once. He did really well. I am trying to incoroporate as much learning as I can w/o him really realizing it. When I got home I decided on a whim to paint the porch stairs and they look pretty good. Makes the porch look finished. In the spring we will deal w/ the replacement wood for underneath the porch, those spokes on either side of the bottom of of the porch. I changed meds and I am really wondering if my energy level has increased because of it. I haven't felt the strong need to just lay around. I still do to some extent, but I am actually getting stuff done. Tonight Savannah took a shower, I did her hair, she brushed her teeth and showed me the proper way to wash her hands, the way they taught them at school.. Haley read one whole chapter book tonight. It was about 60 pages or so and she finished in an hour. If she's isn't just like I'm glad it's something she enjoys. Well I need to go to bed.. eyes are very droopy.. my body aches..