So I have had these thoughts rolling around in my head. well questions really. Most of which are very pointless b/c it's not likely that I will ever get answers until I meet Jesus.
I don't say these things to come off super negative. However it does sound negative. So here it is.
Why do people who go through trial after trial keep getting hit? It's not just the big things. It's the little things too. We have dealt with birth defects that are lifelong issues, autism, depression, cancer, anxiety disorders and all the crap that goes with that. How it affects each member of the family differently, how do Darnell and I as parents help our kids handle it all? How do we handle it all?
Then we also deal with the little things. But they seem like HUGE things when you have the heavy hitters already on top of you. I need so much dental work that it will cost a small fortune ( well maybe not that much) to have it all done. The longer I go the worse it will get. I have a fantastic dentist but honestly- I owe them a couple hundred dollars from the dental work I had done last year. Savannah needs braces. Our van has held up but it's starting to have some issues. We don't have a 2nd vehicle. WE NEED ONE. We struggle some months to pay the monthly bills. It has improved through the years but the kids get older, they need more things... I can't keep up with it all. I don't say all this to complain. I say all this to shed some light on these things that from my standpoint, so many take for granted. I feel like, and this is just from my experience, that all these things added on top of the health issues are just overwhelming. Maybe I just feel that way b/c in the last year I have battled depression and anxiety like never before. I'm telling you, when your world gets rocked upside down, it doesn't turn right side up when it seems like everything is back to "normal".
I have been told countless times that things can always be worse. This is true. I've seen people go through things a lot worse than what we have. HOWEVER.. that does not, in any way, make what we deal with less difficult. Maybe it's just me but when your husband is diagnosed with cancer, you don't just bounce right back. Am I thankful they caught it in time? OF COURSE. jeez. it's like when someone says oh but it could have been so much worse, they caught it, he's fine now. Ok, well how about YOU DEAL WITH IT. On top of the load that was there already. I honestly don't want to sound like a big whiner. But this is my life. This is what I deal with and struggle with. I just want to get my kids to appointments and to work and not have to take Darnell to work by 5a.m. so we have the van while he's at work God bless Jeremiah for doing that so much b/c he's an early bird (well more than me haha) but seriously, can we catch a break? Can just getting to and from places not be a chore in and of itself? The burden of dental work and keeping up with just the basics of life is overwhelming to say the least.
With all that being said, one would say that I am just looking at the negative, not the positive. Well I'm not. I promise. I have seen God do amazing things in our life. There have been friends and family that have stepped in and bent over backwards for our family. That are by our side through it all. They make it all bearable. God makes the way. I don't know why some of the other things can't just fall into place. I just feel defeated in the area of all the things so many take for granted. I'm working on it. I started selling Thirty One to force myself to do something that was out of my comfort zone but something I really like. I am praying I can build up this small business. Enough to help pay for some bills so we can afford a car payment. or for whatever else we need. I pray God will open doors for me to be able to tap into the right places for customers and people that are want to have parties.
I will end with this~ There is always someone else that has it worse. Yes I can be more positive. I'm a work in progress. But I'm trying to give it all to God and not handle it all on my own. It's a daily struggle. Sometimes hourly. Depression and anxiety are not things that people see from the outside. They might see that you aren't social like you used to be or are different. But not because you WANT to be. It stops you in your tracks and makes life feel crappy. God reminds me through my husband's prayers for me and my kids laughing and just seeing their beautiful faces that He is walking with me. the hard stuff doesn't go away but those reminders help you keep on swimming. This month will be 1 year that Darnell was diagnosed with cancer. June 10th ( my birthday) he had the "cyst"removed in the Dr's office very routinely. June 18th was when I got the call when I was driving that he had cancer. That changes your life. Now a year later, he is healthy. To look at him, you would never know he went through 7 weeks of radiation and a surgery that was tough to fully recover from but he made it look like a piece of cake. God gave us the grace to get through it. So I am thankful that a year later, life is different but we made it through.
Please don't judge. Don't judge when you look at someone or hear what they have to say and automatically think that life is just fine for them. We never know the struggles others face after they walk into their home and are able to take the smile off their face. Have mercy and grace. Everyone has their own story and their own struggles.
Some of us are more vocal about it, ME ME ME, lol. Some are not. One is better or worse than the other. So I'm going to go about my day and try to keep reminding myself that God is my provider and my strength. He carries me.