Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Tis the Season!

Well,  I decided to share an upbeat blog after a series of rather not so happy ones. Over the weekend we baked our little hearts out. Even Darnell did. He has always baked. Even when I met him in high school, he used to bake brownies to bring to school. So, he made the peanut butter blossoms. The girls and I made cut outs. This year they really wanted to do more so I let them. They did a great job and we made some great cookies and better memories. I made shortbread cookies, ginger cookies( they didn't turn out so well) a huge batch of monster cookies. We still have a few more things to make. Today I made homemade chicken soup. Although I really enjoy cooking and baking, I am looking forward to a little break from baking. 
Today Isaiah brought cookies for both of his teachers. he was so excited. 
Even Jeremiah really still likes to be a part of the festivities. I am so blessed that my 15 yr old son still values his family. he still wants to be involved w/ us, family get togethers, he doesn't want to miss out on any of it. That, my friends, is a true blessing from God. 
I am looking forward to finishing our christmas shopping, and spending the weekend w/ our families. 
I have plenty I could gripe about, but today, I chose to focus on the good. 

Thursday, December 15, 2011


ROCK BOTTOM. I think I hit it this week. Denial stopped working, avoidance no longer helped...and BAM~ REALITY! And MAN did it feel like I got hit w/ a mack truck, all over again. A good friend pointed out that this is probably a good place to be though. This is where God can build me back up. I may feel like crap, and well to be completely honest, I have felt like absolute shit. I'm done tip toeing around, this is me! I swear when I feel like it, especially in my blog. This week has sucked big time. Darnell and I got into, mostly because I just couldn't admit that I was hitting rock bottom and feeling shitty. Once I could express that, well obviously he knew why I was acting like a weird o, lol. He of course just wants me to be honest w/ him and keep him clued in. I tend to hold it all in until it spills out.  So we are all good now. I'm thankful that he is understanding and patient. This year has really been horrible. with all my physical issues that have started plus the assault.. I mean really, can a girl get a break? I know it could always be worse. HOWEVER..for me, this feels WORSE. I can barely function some days. Other days I can bake and cook and crochet and sounds and function like a semi normal person. 
This is NOT what I wanted for myself. THis is not where I saw myself. I feel like a failure in so many ways. But yet I know that mental illness itself is nothing to be ashamed of. It runs in my family. At times I feel guilty that I passed this on to Isaiah.  But I know I don't have control of such things. 
This year I have had a handful of friends who have been here for me, thru it all. They have talked me thru the tough times, sent me encouraging emails, made me laugh, sat w/ me at Starbucks and just listened to me. For that, my friends, I will forever be grateful. Unfortunately I have found that some people just aren't there for you in times of crisis. People you thought would be, however it is what it is. People do what they can do. Just like right now, I am not capable of much. If you don't have it to give, you just don't. It doesn't make you horrible, it just makes you human. 
Thankfully though, 95% of my friends and family have been absolutely fabulous to me this year. I am beyond thankful. And I will be so glad to say goodbye to 2011!!                  

Sunday, December 11, 2011

If ONLY....

If only you knew how hard it is for me to just be..
If only you knew how badly I want to feel normal.
~ to not feel depressed..
~to not feel withdrawn
~to go thru a day w/o memories that feel like they will haunt me for the rest of my life
~to not feel like everyone is judging me and hating me
~to have the energy my kids deserve I have to keep up with them
~to not be awake half the night b/c depression and sorrow feel like they have taken over my soul
~ to feel like someone sucked the breath right out of me, and I am constantly gasping for fresh air
~ to physically not be in some kind of pain
~ to lead a "normal"  life 
Every day is a challenge. Just taking a shower some days feels like a huge feat to me. Knowing I have to go somewhere, knowing I have appointments, that I have to take the kids somewhere or that I have errands to run cause anxiety in me the night before, probably to the point that that's why I am up half the night. Simple things for others feel like climbing a mountain to me. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to cuddle up in my bed and never come out. People don't understand this. In the world's eye's it's called "laziness".. suck it up.. get over it. etc... well if it were that easy jack ass, I would have done that. I don't WANT to feel this way. I am seeing a shrink and a therapist. I'm on meds. I can hear the next suggestion.. well you just need to go to church. well God can't meet me where I am at? Because me, going to church right now, isn't happening. If I do go it's because I pull every fiber of my being together for my kids b/c they need to be there. I pray, I have my time w/ God. I haven't left God. he hasn't left me. I'm  not even mad at God at this point. I got over that. 
I just feel...miserable. I want to be happy. I have a few close friends that have been here for me thru all of this. I have a few that I now know just can't be here for me and, well whatever. it is what it is. I have enough I'm dealing with to worry about people who have not worried one bit about me! And I don't say that the way it sounds, it just like I said, it is what it is. People do what they can. 
Most of all.......I wish I could get it together so my babies didn't see their mama like this. 

Sunday, December 4, 2011

writer's remorse??

I had a case of writer's remorse this morning when I woke up and remembered what I blogged about last night. But the more I thought about it, the more I am glad I am open about my situation. Believe me, there's plenty more I don't share, don't need to and don't want to. But I think there's something to be said for stepping out in faith and not being afraid to talk about a portion of what you go through. 

I seem to be going thru a very dark season in my life, between the assault (which is hard enough all by itself) and my health issues, I feel like I'm barely hanging on. But I want to focus tonight on the blessings in my life. First and foremost my relationship w/ God. He has never left or forsaken me, he does not judge me and his arms are always wide open for me, no matter how many times I screw up. I have a husband that loves me unconditionally, he spoils me and treats me like a princess. We've been married for 15 years and been thru a lot, and we are still in love. My kids. My babies. I could go on forever about what blessings they are. I couldn't have imagined having kids as awesome as they are. I have an awesome best friend, Julie! She has been here for me this year in the way  a sister is. We've been best friends for so many years that I just feel so blessed to call her my BFF. She genuinely cares about me, my family, she calls me to make sure I'm ok, she remembers the little things. She's a blessing. I have a lot of awesome friends that do the same. It's something I do not take for granted. I don't know what I'd do w/o them in my life. And my family, well there aren't enough words. my mom is there for me for anything and everything and supports me. I don't know what I'd do w/o her. 
So even though I have  a lot of crap going on, I am TRYING to find the good and remember the good in my life. I don't like my circumstances but I can't change them. So..I'm doing the best I can. We have Christmas to look forward to, then at the end of January our dream family vacation to Disney World. God is good. 

Saturday, December 3, 2011


As I have stated before, in my blog I will be 100% honest. I have a tendency to worry about what people will think about me. However, this is my blog. My place to write out my thoughts and if someone doesn't like it, don't read it. And I say that not meanly, but very seriously. 
so...The last few weeks have been hard. Dealing w/ a lot of anxiety, stress etc... I am going down a road that isn't good. With the assault that happened in July, at first well for the first couple months I think I was in denial. And then in November, BAM it hit me like a freaking mack truck. I am not the kind of person that can hold this all in. Of course I hold back the really personal stuff, but it's therapeutic for me to blog. 
So here I am blogging about something most women don't even talk about. I'm telling you, I just don't do anything normal. lol. But now, I'm feeling nervous and anxious I can't sleep, or when I do sleep I have weird dreams.I have a hard time going places, I don't want to leave the house..I'm jumpy and antsy and restless. 
I get anxious when I know I have to go somewhere. Like tomorrow morning, the girls need to be at church for a choir thing and I have anxiety already about going. Doesn't make a bit of sense, but it just is how I feel. And how do you make sense of stuff like that? My best days are when I know I don't have to go anywhere. I realize this isn't healthy, and I have an appt on Monday w/ a counselor. But for right now, this is just how it is. 
I am mad about what happened to me. I'm not afraid to say it, I was raped. Sexually assaulted, whatever. I don't know how women hold this in. If I did that, I'd be more of a basket case than I already am. It goes against the grain to publicly talk about stuff like this, but if you don't shine the light into the darkness, then you are just stuck in the dark. How can you heal? How can you move forward in the dark? how can God shine his light and help you thru if you basically deny that something ever happened? I tried denying it. It makes you miserable. 
So on that note, I may try and sleep or I may not b/c as I said, I've had trouble sleeping. I get restless and antsy at night. I used to sleep everything off. that was my way of dealing w/ things. Now, If I sleep more than 5 hrs at a time I'm lucky. booooo...........

Sunday, November 27, 2011


So, I'm going to do a bit of whining or venting, call it what you want. Last month~ 10/12/11 Darnell and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. When I look back at our wedding, it makes me kinda sad. Don't get me wrong, not sad about who I married, obviously, lol, but the wedding. I didn't think I cared all that much but I guess I do. Because of our circumstances our wedding was very small, we didn't have a real reception. Heck, we didn't even know where we were going to sleep that night. Most people have a honeymoon planned and a hotel room all decked out. If it weren't for our wedding party pulling together and getting us a room at the Radisson, we would have been sleeping at Darnell's house but we didn't even have a bed yet. Am I having a pity party? Maybe. But I feel like sometimes you just need to get this stuff out of your head. It was like 4 years before we got our own place and stayed put. I realize no one forced us to get married. But guess what? We did. I was blessed with a bridal shower but had no idea what I was registering for. I wish I could do it all over again. Mostly because I know what marriage means. I want to renew our vows, I want to celebrate the fact that God has brought us through the last 15 years. Maybe I'm just being emotional. I've said it myself, it's not the wedding, it's the marriage. But I would love to have some new pics of wedding pics when I'm not pregnant.lol.  And, if money allowed, I would totally plan an entire wedding and reception. I realize this may sound selfish, but I guess I don't care. I just want what every bride wants, to have your name called and walk into the reception w/ your husband, dancing to an awesome song. I want to dance and have all eyes on Darnell and I. I guess I just want what every girl wants. 
Let me say for the record.. this is all superficial stuff. I am blessed to have a great husband and a good marriage. I wouldn't change that. The wedding stuff is just me dreaming a bit, wishing. but when it comes down to it, I know so many people have the big huge wedding w/ all of that stuff and then have a crappy marriage. Obviously I would rather have a great marriage. Sometimes you just want to have your cake and eat it too! lol

Saturday, November 26, 2011

He doesn't look any different..

"He doesn't look any different...are you sure he is autistic? " Is he like rain Man? Is he a savant? You can't even tell there's anything wrong...

Those are just a few of the things I have heard about my son and his disability. People don't see it with they're eyes so they assume it's not there. That's the biggest mistake a person can make if you ask me. NEVER assume everything is fine just by how it looks. YOU don't live with this child. YOU don't deal with the issues on a daily basis. Recently my son's behavior has started to increasingly get worse. So that meant a med change. ok, fine...I think the hardest part of all this is yes he'll smile and make eye contact with people. But he doesn't CONNECT on a deeper level. That level where your child will come over and just cuddle or snuggle up. Where he will look at you and you can feel that connection. For my son, that isn't there. That doesn't mean he doesn't love us. He absolutely does. He just shows it differently. He loves to clean. He loves to be helpful. Those are his ways of showing his love for his family. If you give him a hug and tell him how proud you are of him, he will just sort of stand there. Because to him, his "hug" was what he just did. He cleaned, or did something he really thought you'd like. I am blessed that God has enabled us to see that in him. As a mom though, there are just those times where I want to hold him tight like I did when he was a baby and have him hold me right back. I miss the affection. I know that he shows his affection in other ways, it's just hard sometimes to see my 8 yr old and have him look at me so blankly. some days he'll smile at me and of course it lights up the whole world. At the end of the day, when he's sleeping I go into his room and kiss him and rub his cheek. I can cuddle him, sort of, and just pour out my love for him and hope that in his soul he feels it. I know that sounds crazy, but when he's awake, he'll only let me hug him for a minute or two. when he's sleeping I can just sit next to him, my head on his back and listen to him breathe. All that love and compassion I want him to have I hope he feels. 
I have learned that people just don't get it. And a lot of times they just don't have the sense to keep their mouths shut. I don't mean that to sound rude, but really.....
If you don't know enough about something, don't pretend that you do. I would rather someone say that then say, oh he looks "normal"....THAT makes my blood boil. still working on that. lol. I am thankful my other kids can connect w/ Isaiah. Thru playing and laughter and just being kids...They play and their laughter is like music to my ears. 

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Happy Thanksgiving! We had a nice one. We went to my mom's and then to Darnell's grandparent's. Everyone is tired! The kids all fell asleep pretty early! 
It's only Thursday and it's been a rough week. aside from some psychological issues then followed by some physical problems, I am struggling with something that I am sure God is allowing me to go thru for a reason. Here it is. I want to shop. I want this and that, and you name it. My mom used to call it a serious case of the "I wants". I feel horrible b/c my husband works his ass off. He has always spoiled me. he says he likes to. But I feel guilty. If I would just keep my mouth shut... You know the verse that says to be content w/ what you have? well let me tell you, I'm being put to the test.  God has blessed us, and I know that we have enough "stuff". My problem is that I want "stuff" like yankee candles and a new phone and new rugs and more yarn and more shoes for my girls and hair products for savannah's hair...let me see, is that it? Oh and a new blue tooth, new christmas tree w/ some decorations.. i mean seriously, how greedy do I sound? EXTREMELY. especially when I see homeless people walking down the street or waiting by the Salvation army. This is a hard lesson for me to learn. I keep saying I'm working on it. I'm trying, I don't want to be a greedy brat. I want to be perfectly content with what I have. I have a hardworking husband trying to make ends meet. I don't want to add stress to him. That would not and does not make God happy. And God has blessed me IMMENSELY in so many areas. My good friend just GAVE me her food processor this week. TOTALLY made my day. I've been wanting one for forever because I cook and bake so much. so I have no right to be greedy. So.. I just needed to get all that off my chest. Keeping it all in, for me, is like poison. I need to go without some of the stuff I don't need and focus on God. He is all I need. I don't want to learn this lesson the hard way. Pray for me! At the end of this Thanksgiving night, I am thankful for what I have. More importantly, I am thankful for a great God that I serve and that loves me and will be with as I grow mature thru this situation. 

Sunday, November 20, 2011

just this and that..

I went to bed really early, which means I got up really early. What fun! Today I am going to attempt to make homemade spaghetti sauce. do you call it past sauce? red sauce? marinara sauce? lol.well you get the idea. Julie gave me fresh tomatoes that are in the freezer. I might end up having to have her come over and help me, lol. Since I don't know what I'm doing! I hope Isaiah has a good day. He's off school all week. Jeremiah has school Monday and Tuesday and the girls go M-T-W. Hopefully monday and tuesday Isaiah isn't bored outta his mind. I wish I could get a better handle on his issues. 
I feel like we've made great progress in the last few years, but on days like today and the next few days, he's going to be BORED and I'm going to go insane!!!!!! We applied for different services to see if we could get respite care for him. So then we could set up times for him to go w/ either grandma or a family friend for the day. He needs that time away, that one on one time. And to be quite honest, I need the break. Not because I don't want to be w/ my son, but because after so long, hearing " I'M BORED" just makes you go nuts. I might and try and apply again...He deserves more help than what he's getting. 

Friday, November 18, 2011

The end of a not so hot week!

Well it's been a heck of a week. Emotionally, for me, not so good. I've been up, down, back and forth, you name it! I don't know if it's meds or PTSD or maybe I am finally just loosing it. haha, just kidding. I have been doing some reading on post traumatic stress disorder. I seem to have all the symptoms. I don't want to diagnosis myself, I don't want to jump to conclusions. However, I am not an idiot and I know how I feel. I can put 2 and 2 together. It fits. I was supposed  to have my nerve block done today, or today yesterday rather. I just did not feel like it was the right time. With feeling so all over the place, I didn't want to make a decision to get a big 'ol shot in the back of my head that may or may not work. Just wasn't feeling it today. I feel good about it. I have peace. And it feels good to have made a decision that I have control over and feel good about it. When I am ready for the nerve block and chose to get it, it's there. Maybe it's a control thing, I don't know. But right now, my neck has been ok, my head has been ok this last 2 weeks. 
On a different note, I feel like I am making progress with just not caring what other people think. Guess what? I went to see " Breaking Dawn"..I don't feel convicted. I am NOT a cougar. I agree w/ some points as far as kids watching it. There were way to many YOUNG kids, in my opinion, watching that movie. My kids saw the first movie after we did. They have not see the other ones. They definitely will not be seeing this one. Too graphic. But personally, I don't feel convicted for seeing it. Some may, and that's fine. I think we all have different things that we can tolerate, spiritually. So, with that being said, I am going to try and get some sleep!!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Personal Space/who woulda thought??

Personal Space. heard of it? In our house, it's hard to come by when the kids are home. To this day, my almost 15 year old STILL knocks on the door when I'm in the bathroom..In recent months I have found that I am in need of more of my own time and personal space. I realize that could sound selfish considering I am a wife and mom of 4. However, it is what it is. I'm not going to apologize for it. If that's what I need to be a better mom and wife, then so be it. My health issues and a few other things have made it so that I have become somewhat withdrawn at times. And sometimes I just need that space to collect myself, pray, heal, etc..  with the kids being at school during the day, I thought I'd have all the time I need. Well as it turns out, my peak time of day is at night. morning/ afternoons I don't do well w/ all the things I'd do w/ my own time. So then I end up staying up late. The house is quiet, peaceful and I can putz around as I please. It is usually the time I get the most done. 
I was thinking today about how so many of my friends that I've know since grade school are moms and wives now too. When we once spoke of what boy we had a crush on, what test we where dreading that was coming up, what CD we just had to have....Now we are these women who speak of children, husbands, recipes, knitting, baking, cooking, cleaning...We can have whole conversations based solely on the quirky things are kids/ husbands do. Who would have thought??? When I once thought the world was coming to end b/c I thought maybe I wouldn't do well on a test,now the stakes are much higher. But the prize is so much better. kids that tell you I love you for no reason. Hubby's that bring you Starbucks just because....My how things have changed. For the good though. I wouldn't have ever thought of 15 years ago...Now my thoughts are consumed with who needs homework signed, what i need to make/bake for the girls Thanksgiving feast at school.. Dr.s appts that need to be made.Some days these things drive me nuts, these are thing the things that drive me to a place where I feel like if I don't get some time alone, I just may lose my mind. I wouldn't change any of it. 
I'm striving to be a better woman. Thankfully I have God behind me! 

Monday, November 7, 2011

Domestic Goddess? Who ME??? YES!!!

Well I feel like quite the domestic Goddess today! I didn't clean like a fool, however I did make a kick ass dinner ( with the help of Darnell's mom who gave us a cooked ham) which I made into scalloped potatoes and ham. Then I currently have in the oven Jumbo Chocolate Chip streusel muffins! 

These are the yummy muffins that are baking.
Since I can't do heavy cleaning, I have really gotten into baking and knitting. And so that brings me my second domestic goddess act of the day.

I am working on my scarf. It's going to be FANTASTIC!!!! I got a basket for all my yarn. I got it 50% off at JoAnn Fabrics. And then I bought my first "crafty" magazine. LOL. So I am feeling quite domestic. Feels good. I am having to make a lot of adjustments as far as what I can do around the house. So...I am actually having fun with the new things I am doing. The baking and cooking is not new, but knitting, crocheting and all that is very new to me. And oh so much fun. I have found that mornings are the worst for me. I wake up and my neck hurts so bad! I have a "good" pillow..but it doesn't help. So I have to accept that I am not going to be anywhere near my best in the mornings. It takes me awhile to get moving. So that is my time to listen to music,relax, search for coupons online. Adjustments are hard. But they don't always have to be boring!! 

And the finished product! They taste awesome! I'm feeling quite confident today and might even change the name of my blog to Domestic Goddess...hahah..just kidding!!!!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Couponing, Crabby Pants, Crepes

Well I went to pick n save and had my first "couponing" experience. I didn't make out as well as I had hoped. The advertisement said "double double daze" which I took to mean, it doubles your coupon, then doubles it again. And you could only use up to 10 coupons. Well if it would have worked out that way, I would have done very well! I still did save some money, just not the way I thought. Oh well, you have to start somewhere!
Lately my right hip has been hurting like crazy. I seriously am so fed up w/ the things in my body that are hurting. I mean come on, I'm only 34! I don't know if I should just "walk it off..." or go to urgent care or to my regular Dr...We'll see what happens. 
I am going to take a hot bath and spend some time alone w/ God. I am a crabby pants and I know that I need some time to get out of my funk! 
Crepes for dinner!

THe ugly

Well, I have said that I share the good, the bad the ugly about myself. Here's some ugly. like seriously. I think anyways. Lately I KNOW w/o a shadow of a doubt that I have had a very greedy spirit. I have what I have always called I serious case of the " I wants" I want to shop, I want to redecorate.. you name it. The BIBLE clearly says that we should be happy with what we have. When I reflect on the last 10-15 years, I can easily see how far we've come. 10 years ago, I would've given anything to have some of what we have what we do now. SO why am I being so selfish. Well b/c I am human. I think I have figured out a part of the reason WHY I am feeling like this. I am home all day and w/ all my recent health issues it seems as if retail therapy will make me feel better. I'll feel in control. Well obviously we all know it doesn't really work out that way.
Bottom line.. God is convicting me. I need to be content w/ what I do have. Darnell works his ass off. I do NOT want to be that spoiled brat. I am a work in progress. 
On a positive note, I have gotten into knitting and crocheting this week. I have gotten a great start. between my mom and Jodi, I will be an old pro in no time. I bid on a vintage knitting bag on ebay. I know one thing for sure, I am perfectly content staying in, knitting or crocheting...baking, wearing my apron... feeling like a mom from the 1950's... haha.  I feel like a homemaker. It's the one thing I feel like I know I was meant to be. 
And I am TRYING to get into this couponing thing... it's not coming all that easy. I'll keep at it though. 
So, that's what is going on w/ me right now! 
 My neck and head are ok.. I had a bad headache and my neck was killing me before i took a pain pill.. I hope I don't wake up feeling yucky. Me and the girls are going to my mom's to do some stamping and make cards. All of these things are the things that really matter. I need to keep reminding myself of that. Please keep me in your prayers as I attempt to cut WAY back on buying Starbucks. Sounds silly to a lot, but for me it's a big deal.   That's all for now! 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

It's November! YAY!!! I am very happy halloween is over b/c that means the official Holiday season has begun!!! This year our holidays are not going to consist of huge gifts. Because we are going on our family vacation to Disney World a month after Christmas, we have to really scale back our spending at Christmas. Not that we ever were big spenders to begin with, but you get the idea.  This gives us a whole new opportunity to show the kids again the true meaning of Christmas. They know what it means, but w/o a ton of gifts, that will open the doors for some good conversations. 

I'm learning to knit again. I LOVE it!!! so of course I am hoping to knit my heart out between now and Christmas, lol. My mom has taught me before and I always forget. Well she taught me again, and my good friend Jodi showed me another way to knit so I'm excited to get thru my first scarf so I can begin on a blanket. I am also in a huge baking mood.  The kids have been helping me bake too. They love it. It's great memories for them and me too. 

My neck has been kinda bad the last few days. Mornings are brutal. It drives me nuts that  just doing normal things make my neck hurt like crazy. My lower back has been bugging me too. I sound like a dang 70 yr old woman. However that is the exact reason I started my community on Blogfrog. I hope other mom's will join. It's good to feel like I'm not alone. Darnell is awesome, he does so much and does it b/c he loves me. THe kids are the same way. However there is something to be said for connecting w/ other women who know what it's like and can relate. 
This is Savannah helping me bake. She helped w/ the chocolate chip muffins and Jeremiah made the pumpkin bread! What awesome kids I have! 

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Productive Saturday!!!!

Today I felt like a normal mom/wife. I had another great morning. It feels good to feel good and not feel like I am unable to do things that I want to do with my kids. Our house was filled with laughter, the smell of chocolate chip muffins that Savannah helped me make. Darnell was playing Yahtzee with the other kids while I was in the kitchen baking. I had pandora radio on the iPad going and felt right in the world. Then Jeremiah made pumpkin bread. He loves to bake, so he wanted to make it by himself. I sat on the stool and helped if he needed it. 

After the baking was done I started cleaning the windows, something that I have not done in months! Darnell had to finish b/c I can't reach the top ones. So not only did the house smell like yummy treats but it also smelled clean. Can't beat that combination. The kids just came in from outside. They smell fresh and like "outside".I love that!! These are the kind of Saturdays that I love. 
I was able to forget about any of the pain I've dealt w/ all week long and just be a mom. This is something I do not take advantage or take lightly. Tomorrow I may or may not pay for everything I did today, but I can't live my life doing nothing and worrying about how I "might" feel tomorrow. I need to be smart about it but definitely not but overly cautious. 
So now Darnell has mac-n-cheese in the crock pot for dinner. Thank God for a great day! 

Friday, October 28, 2011

Great morning

This morning I woke up feeling better than I have all week!! The kids didn't have school & Darnell's off on Fridays. Amazing, the kids weren't busting into our room really early! PTL! It was nice to lay in bed & cuddle w/ D. One by one the kids would knock on our door with a series of questions "Can I play a game on the play station " from Jeremiah... "Can I play in the iPad from one of the girls", " Can I go on the computer ?" lol!! Needless to say there's not a lack of things to do contrary to what they sometimes may think.
We decided to make a bigger breakfast- home made pancakes, sausage & I made crepes for the first time! D went to the store while I was cooking- brought all the kids with him. Bless his heart! It felt good to be cooking for my family, having everyone home & for the first time this week I didn't wake up w/ a headache or horrible neck pain!
I'm very thankful for that & do not take it for granted. I am blessed!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

A Few of My favorite things

A few of my favorite things.......

These are not in any particular order.. 

~Cuddling w/ Darnell and watching our DVR'd shows
~ Starbucks, of course. My fave drink as of late- Salted Caramel Mocha! 
~ Red Moscato wine! 
~ YUMMY cheese from Whole Foods! 
~ Yankee candles...my fav scents are, cinnamon stick, autumn wreath, the pine scent.. I think it's Christmas tree or something like that...
~ Being in our bedroom w/ a soft light, a candle lit and watching "Private Practice" 
~ baking.. my next endeavor is going to be finding a red sauce that will cook over a span of a day or two...something really yummy
~ I have found a new love for spending time listening to worship music and having great prayer time! 

These are just some things that I seem to be into lately. I have had a serious case of the "I wants" lately. I have realized  that I need to focus on the great things I do have, not on what I don't have. I believe God wants to give us the desires of our hearts, however I believe he wants us to be content w/ what we have first. I'm working on that. 

I'm signing off of the night. Tomorrow I am going to dive into this blogfrog thing.. very excited! 

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Great Prayer time!!!

Tonight I had a GREAT prayer time. I love that I finally am spending more time listening to worship music, reading my bible and praying. It's refreshing. Tonight, I was really struggling b/c I am looking at our finances thru my human eyes and getting frustrated. Thinking of ways I could make some extra money...when I know that that isn't the answer. It makes me feel useless~ well it did make me feel that way. We've got more that needs to go out than what is coming in.. However, I was reading and was reminded that I need to concentrate on the things above, that I cannot see. My focus is always on the details that I can't change. Well What I can change is my focus. And my focus needs to be on God. It's not my job to micro manage everything. I don't have the answers, but I can lean on the one who does. That put me back into a place of peace.
I know without a doubt that if I don't stay in prayer and focused, my emotions will get all out of whack and the devil will have a field day with me. Well no more I say, NO MORE!!! So I got out my note cards and put a bunch of verses and encouraging phrases that I am going to put up around the house. I need to be reminded frequently, lol. I KNOW we are not destined to live a life of just barely making it. He wants more than that for us. I need to get in line with that. So, it was a good evening. very good indeed! 

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Catching UP

I had a root canal today. I think I'd rather have given birth. Seriously. It took like 8 shots at least, to completely numb the area for the dentist to do what he had to do. I hate dental work. Now i need to save money for the crown. It never ends!!!
Tomorrow I see Dr. J. He ordered the MRI on my back and did the test for the carpal tunnel so I should get some answers as far as the course of action...Then on Thursday I have my epidural shots in my neck. I really feel like an old lady, lol. 
It is a season of change. Isaiah is in underwear. His toileting behavior has not changed, but we decided it's time to push him out of his comfort zone to see if he'll respond accordingly. 
My relationship w/ God has been renewed. When I was in Florida, I was prayed over and prayed with and feel like God just breathed fresh air into me. I'm not saying all of my issues are gone or that I am not going to have my days, but I feel better. I feel like God is in control and I am in touch with that. I know he's got some great things in store for us. It's kind of exciting to see how it will all play out. 
Darnell's schedule went back to Sun-Wed. Which means bringing the kids to church on sunday mornings is left up to me. UGH!! If the situation w/ Isaiah wasn't so unpredictable, It would be fine. But that's just not the case. I have an appointment made for him~ I think he needs a med change. He's starting to get physical again and rage more. And w/ my health issues being unpredictable, well let's just saying planning anything is darn near impossible. I'll give it my best shot. I know that's what God wants from me and I'm happy about that. 
I'm thankful for my beautiful family, my awesome best friend, Julie. After 22 years, she still amazes me by how she still takes the time to call and text me.. She's been right by my side these last few months and I couldn't have gone thru it w/o her. well and of course she's not the only one but today I'm just feeling the love for my BFF, lol. 
Time to sign off. 

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Oh bother......

The leaves are changing, well a lot of them have already fallen. I'm home from Florida. I really like it there. I can't wait to go back for our vacation. I was hoping my getaway would help me feel refreshed and it did to some extent. However I started my freaking period the day I came home, our 15 year wedding anniversary! So I have horrible cramps and am extremely bitchy. 
I wish I could go to some sort of retreat or place that you can talk w/ christian people that will help you, guide you thru hard things. I don't want the religious answers like" You just need to pray more" Oh well, jeez, I hadn't thought of that! I don't mean to be cynical , but really, I've been in church my whole life. I know all the "right things" to do. Well guess what ? sometimes they don't work. You have to think outside the box. God doesn't do everything the same for everyone. Healing comes in all sorts of ways and I am still searching for and praying for God's healing for me. Honestly, I'm tired of christianity being measured by how often you are at church or how often you miss. Or if you are involved in a bunch of stuff or etc...There were many years that I was involved.. My life right now doesn't allow for me to be involved. I'm tired of feeling guilty about it. If I am struggling and I am dealing w/ a crap load of issues and have nothing to give, there's no way I am about to attempt to try and give something to someone else. Ok so I'll get off my soap box about that one. I'm tired of the religious spirit. enough said. 
when I was in Florida I was prayed over and MAN I know God was talking to me. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that change is coming. It's time. we've been chasing our tails it seems for so long and getting no where. I'll tell you what, that's no fun and definitely not what God intended for us. I have realized that I am a daughter of the King. He wants to bless me. He wants to bless my family. He doesn't move. We need to move closer to him. And I have become aware that in some ways I have come closer to him and in some ways gotten farther away. I am slowly, at a snails pace, getting to the point that I need to block out what EVERYONE else says, thinks, or even what I think someone thinks about me and follow God. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else. 
I trust God. I have faith. I'll be completely honest and say that my faith and trust have been tested and are weak at this point. But God knows that. He knows why. But it says if we have the faith of a mustard seed God can move mountains. well I have lots of mountains I need moved outta my way! lol. One of them being my own sour and negative attitude. That's probably the first and biggest ones. So that's at the top of my prayer list. 
I'm done. I'm starting to babble which is my cue to sign off! 

Saturday, October 8, 2011

It's time for Healing

I'm in Florida!! I can't believe I'm still awake! I got up before 5 a.m to go to the airport. It was overcast a bit rainy here today, hot and humid. I still can't believe I'm here~ AGAIN! I'm so thankful for a husband who sees when I need a break and does everything in his power to give it to me. I mean let's be real, I've been a mess these last few months. Whether it's emotionally, mentally, physically, you name it. So much has gone on in such a short time. I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed and like I just needed an out. Not for forever, just a break. Darnell saw that~ before I even did. I always thought when people said that they needed "their space" it was such a cliche, a cop out. Well I stand corrected. Regardless of how well meaning anyone has been, I feel like I've just wanted to be like a turtle and stay in my shell. I don't exactly know how healthy that is, but it's how I feel. It's not that I don't love my family any less, that I don't want to be there for them, I just Can't be. and that's hard to say. to admit. I'm the mom. Mom's are supposed to be able to suck it all up and be there for your family. I am learning that I have put too much pressure on myself. I will be up front and real ( like I always am), I got diagnosed w/ Chiari in April, I have had migraines and chronic headaches for months, I was raped in July and then my health got even worse. I feel like whatever could be thrown at me~ was.It's hard to be there for anyone right now b/c I can barely pick myself up. However, I don't want to be that victim. That person who sits and stews in my mess of circumstances. I didn't create them. I didn't do anything wrong. I know I need time to process things and deal with it all, but I don't want it to all become a handicap. 
I have a family that needs me. And I need them. So I am praying for God's restoration. For healing and direction. Ok so I've got some issues, I'll deal with them. but I don't want to be depressed anymore. I don't want my life to pass me by. I feel God tugging at my heart, I feel like he's starting a good thing in our life. something new and different. I don't know what..yet. but I won't find out, I will hinder that process if I allow myself to stay stuck in the crappy circumstances I have. 
Darell gives me Hope. I truly believe God just fills him up with so much hope and positivity that it's wearing off on me! THANK YOU JESUS! I am praying again depression and oppression and financial issues. God wants to bless us. He wants to open the flood gates and bless us because we are his children and he loves us. I welcome that, I invite that in and all the yuck can just leave now. 
If anyone reads this and is a pray warrior and you feel led, please pray that God would deliver me from depression. I don't want to take meds anymore. I want healing. I am ready for healing. And I pray a blessing over my family. they are my life, my everything. I am so blessed. 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Today I had an MRI of my back. As I was in the tiny tunnel that seems to be made for an 8yr old, not a chubby 34 yr old woman....God began to speak to me. Through all the noise of the machine, I knew God was talking to me. I had been praying about well, EVERYTHING. I have felt for some time that I have NO emotion. THe well has run dry. I realized I have no passion in my life. Well God really showed me the WHY to that. For many many years, my emotions have always been either panic, fear, adrenaline..I don't need to go into all the details of all the situations the that have caused those emotions. THe point is If I wasn't feeling like things were hitting the fan I was trying to recoup from when it did hit the fan. So eventually I just shut down. It's so tiring and draining to be up and down all the time. And I finally got to the point that things hit me hard however since I have shut myself down when crap happens, it doesn't hit so hard, or so I think. 
Does all that make sense? I am wanting that passion back in my life. I want to want to do things. I want to act on the ideas I have and the things I know I could do but don't have the will or ambition or PASSION to do. I know I have not dealt with most of the hard things I have dealt with in recent years. So, I have taken one step towards getting that passion back. It's a baby step, but you have to start somewhere. I want to be strong and confident in who I am. That's my goal. 
I am getting a lot of answers regarding my health which I think that's going to take some getting used to. I have had headaches, neck and back pain for years. My mom has been on my tail for FOREVER to go in and get it checked. Well I didn't because I just had enough to deal with and didn't want to deal w/ my junk. Well now it's time. I'm not going to lie and say that it's all easy to accept. But I know that I'm not going to fight it, I'm going to take it all in and do what I need to do. Feel how I need to feel and however long it takes is how long it takes. Acceptance is a foreign concept to me. 

Saturday, September 24, 2011

So Very thankful!!!

It's officially fall. I love fall. I love the smell of the crisp fall air, the smell of leaves, people having fires. I especially love the changing colors of the leaves. They are so beautiful and every one is different. I love that it's apple picking and pumpkin farm season. It's just a great time of year. The only thing I probably like least about it is that it means winter is coming next. But, you can't have one w/o the other! 
I've been doing laundry all day. Haley cleaned the kitchen and bathroom floors. She also straightened up the dining room. She is my little mama. It was nice tonight to have a clean house, my cinnamon stick candle burning and listening to the kids giggle and just be kids. As I was doing laundry the thought crossed my mind, how many times have I put these same pair of pants away in the Isaiah's room? But I wasn't feeling negative about it. Quite the opposite. I love taking care of my family. I love making sure they have clean clothes, clean bedding and a cozy home. For as much complaining as I may do, in reality I wouldn't have things any other way. Today I found a plastic magnifying glass in the dryer, along with a button and a bobby pin. All the things that are reminders that there are kids in the house. Something I won't take for granted. Especially with Jeremiah in high school, the girls in middle school...time goes by so fast. Right now my girls may be in middle school but they are still so much little girls. They are still innocent and free from worry. I wish I could keep them that way. But since I can't, I will do my best to enjoy the time I have while they are all still at home and happy. 
Despite the many struggles we may face, I am acutely aware of how incredibly blessed we are. I have a faithful, hardworking, loyal husband who adores me and our children. We have wonderful families and friends. I need to concentrate on these things more often. 
Tomorrow I might make an apple pie or some chocolate chip cookies. I'm sure the kids will want to help. I know when they are grown up they will have memories of mom baking from scratch, baking goodies for them to enjoy. These are all the things that I want them to remember. 

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

getting answers...

I have finally got some answers from the Dr's....I have moderately severe carpal tunnel in both hands, I have a bulging disc in my neck. I saw Dr. J on Monday and he did the test for carpal tunnel, he's also ordering and MRI on my back and traction for my neck. He also gave me a prescription for pain!!! The headache clinic couldn't give me anything besides a muscle relaxer. I am glad to be getting answers. I am not happy that it seems as if my body is falling apart at my age. The headaches stop me in my tracks...my neck keeps me from doing even normal things...it's all a bit overwhelming. However, it is what it is. I have to keep a positive attitude which is extremely hard for me. I've had a lot to deal with and it just seems like it's not stopping. I don't want to be one of those "oh why me" type of people. I just am not thrilled w/ all the crap going on. I realize God has a plan, I just am not aware of it yet. I was or thought I was an independent woman, I am capable of many things, I know I am smart and not meant to just do nothing. But with these health issues, it limits me SO much. Well the more I think about it, it limits the things I think I SHOULD do or want to do etc... Maybe God is allowing all of this to send me in another direction? I am still trying to figure it all out. I feel useless a lot of the time. I need to tap into what God is telling me and trying to show me. Darnell tells me all the time how beautiful and awesome I am, what a great wife/mom I am. I have such a hard time believing him. So, this new journey that I am on has a lot of questions, I have a lot of doubts. One doubt I don't have is that God is still in control. 
I am excited to be going to Florida in 2 weeks. I need the break. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Good talk w/ God

I had a good talk w/ God tonight. I have decided  that I need to make some changes but I cannot make them w/o God leading me. I have been eating like a fool lately. I am well aware that it is mostly b/c of stress and a little bit about the side affects of meds and such. so..I need to make the changes. 
I also have realized that I need a good christian lady mentor. I don't know who and it's something I am praying for. I also need a good shrink... lol. seriously. I am dealing w/ a lot of heavy emotional and mental crap and I know that I can't deal w/ it on my own. 
I struggle w/ my kids all being older. Instead of embracing them at the stage they are in, I am missing the days when they needed me more, and when they were little. Which on one hand doesn't make sense b/c having them all more independent has it's obvious advantages. But I do not want to look back in 10 years and regret not taking the time I have w/ them now and not getting the most out of it. I tend to either pine away for what used to be or look too far into the future and get myself all out of whack about what is to come. That is why I need balance. I am glad God is a God of order. He balances things out. I just need to let him. 
I realize how blessed I am. I know I take it for granted. I have a husband that is so in love w/ me, something sometimes I just have to ask WHY?? lol.. but I'm so in love w/ him so I am thankful for what we have. I also have 4 amazing kids that are really more than I could have ever hoped for. So.. this night I am thankful and hopeful. I am a work in progress. I am so thankful God doesn't give up on us. 
Tomorrow is a new day, with new possibilities and I am looking forward to what God is going to do in my life.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

I LOVE my KIDS!!!!!

Today I did not even get dressed. I layer around, napped, did absolutely nothing. I have been doing a lot of thinking. Next month is our 15 year wedding anniversary. I can't believe how much has happened in the last 15 years. So many ups and downs, so many awesome things, so many not so awesome things. Which I am coming to realize it just the ebb and flow of life. I have to say that I am proud of my children. They are NO DOUBT the most wonderful blessing God has ever given me w/ the exception of Darnell.We have believed that in order to raise a family, the priorities go as follows, you put God first, your spouse next and then your children. Now days most people would say, oh well you HAVE to put the kids first. Well I disagree. For US, I have found that if our marriage is strong, if the commitment we made to each other is strong and we are united, that is the best foundation to build a family on. If Darnell and I are solid, we are that much more able to give our kids what they need and deserve. I look at our kids and really they take my breath away. They can drive me bonkers, lol, but in the same token they can make me feel like I'm on top of the world. Every now and again I just feel the need to put it out there that my children are indeed, the most BEAUTIFUL children you will ever lay eyes on. Bar NONE! Don't even argue, haha. They have a beauty about them that is pure and innocent and comes from the inside out. I will be the first to say that God is completely the reason for that! I feel like it's such a privilege to raise these kids. God has given us this honor. I may have my days ( like earlier today, haha) that I am not in a mothering mood, but every mother feels that way and if they say they don't, I am convinced that they are LIARS!!! lol...It all goes w/ the territory. We have days that we can look at our kids and fall to pieces b/c they are so awesome and have other days that we just want to walk away for a moment, or more so that we don't go postal. I mean really...But the best part is that the good out weighs the bad. I look at my precious kids and see the possibilities and potential in them. I see how God is going to work thru their lives. I'm excited to see and witness what they will do w/ their lives. Savannah told me the other day that she doesn't want to be a teacher, she wants to be a pastor. She may change her mind, but I think it's awesome that she has NO FEAR and is willing to do whatever God is going to call her to do. 

Friday, September 2, 2011

Random thoughts...

I am still feeling like I am in the middle of the ocean just floating around. I can't seem to find my place of peace or joy. It's not because I'm not going to church, not b/c I'm not searching or trusting in God. I think it's just the crap we have to experience in life that just sucks. Bad things happen and it takes time to get thru them. It hurts and it sucks and you feel like junk for however long it takes to run it's course. 
There are some things that just aren't going to get better and you'll feel all good about again. At least not for awhile and sometimes things happen and you just find a new normal. It's a hard pill to swallow. You feel like you are floundering around looking for what used to make you feel good and secure, but it's not there anymore. Really though, for me I think it's an opportunity to challenge your faith. And like with any challenge, it's rough and doesn't always feel so hot. Eventually you get to where you need to be. 
I just am not there. yet.  I have realized a long time ago that my lot in life has never been normal. I fight it but to no avail. The fill in the blank "normal" answers have never fit for me. And when I try to make them fit, it makes me more frustrated. So the obvious question is, why do I keep trying? Well I am not. not anymore. I have to do things that work for me, that I feel God is leading me to do or not do and if it doesn't "seem" to be what the normal thing is. It doesn't always sit well w/ other people, or doesn't fit the "religious" mold or what have you. But honestly, I am more interested in finding my peace w/ God~ not anyone else. That has gotten me no where fast. Slowly but surely I am getting to the point of being ok w/ not being "normal". And right now, tonight, I am looking forward to next month when I will be in Florida. Darnell surprised me w/ a trip to visit Aaron and Meg and Coli. It's for our anniversary. He's the most selfless man alive. He wanted to give me a break. I wish I could do all the awesome things for him that he does for me. I pray that God will bless him abundantly. he most certainly deserves it.

Friday, August 26, 2011


~Currently listening to Lenny Kravitz' "I want to fly away"

So...I'm going to complain and whine a bit, SO...if you are reading this and will judge me for it, leave now. Seriously.

I am tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. This summer has taken so much out of me. Not only having the most traumatic personal experience I'll probably ever go through and dealing w/ the aftermath of that, but having this Chiari flare up and make things hell. I've been on so many different kinds of rescue meds, over the counter stuff..you name it. Now I'm on a steroid and hoping that this will help. It's only a 10 day thing so who the heck knows what I'll do after that. My nerves are shot, I'm exhausted. I honestly don't ever remember feeling this wore out in so many ways. Nothing seems to help..I just want to go somewhere and come back and feel refreshed. The thing about that is, this whole chiari thing is chronic. No end in sight. period. Just going back and forth w/ the Dr, meds, tests, and in between all that having headaches that LITERALLY feel like someone injected a mini jack hammer in my head, sometimes right behind my eye. Making me feel like I'm going to puke, dizzy and like I would just rather be in a coma. I just don't want to FEEL anything. Because in the last 6 weeks, nothing feels good. I realize that life cannot be based on emotion, or shouldn't be.  I have an AMAZING husband, who has been the only thing that has kept me going. He has prayed for me, encouraged me, loved me even when I felt dirty and worthless and unloveable. He is the one thing that has kept my head above water. I feel bad even complaining b/c I don't want him to think that his efforts to make everything better are all for not. I guess it's one of those things that I know I have to work through...but have I mentioned I'M TIRED of working thru so much shit???? really...I could do w/o the constant aray of crap that gets thrown my way. Now, I do realize how incredibly selfish that sounds  and everyone has their own crap to deal with. I'm just saying I'm tired of my crap. I think i'm entitled to whine and cry and kick my feet like a 2 yr old once in awhile. at least in my blog i can. In real life I have to be a mom, a wife, someone who can keep it together. It's hard to keep pretending that I have it together when really, I don't.  It feels like a giant effort just to get thru a day. So I think I'm done for now. Not much else to say.......

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


We are going to DISNEY WORLD!!!!! January 29- Feb 4th, 2012!!! It is an absolute miracle! God has blessed us in a way I NEVER expected! The trip is booked, my mama is coming w/ us, we are also going w/ our awesome friends the Pritikins! We are booking our reservations for the restaurants we want to eat at when we are there.  We are staying at the Wilderness Lodge and we are getting an awesome deal~ This is something that we have been wanting to do for YEARS.  We never thought it would happen. God opened a HUGE door and dropped it in our lap!  At first I was a bit hesitant b/c it's obviously expensive and we have bills etc.. HOWEVER...this is what convinced me. Life is short. We are ALWAYS going to have bills, we are always going to have debt. Our kids will not always be young and home. We have ONE shot at parenting. We have a limited time to make these memories. The memories that we are going to make are going to last a lifetime. Darnell and I never had the opportunity to go on a family vacation like this. This is one of those things we wanted to give our kids b/c we didn't have it. I do not want to have regrets when the kids are grown and think dang, we should have bit the bullet and took the kids on this vacation. I feel like if we don't invest time, money and energy on building these memories w/ our children, we would be missing out on so much. Our family has been thru hell and back. Seriously, Haley's surgeries, scares of more surgery, Isaiah's hospital stays, his issues, now my diagnosis of having chiari, the crap that happened this summer, and all 4 kids having to endure all of this. They are amazingly well adjusted in spite of it all. But they DESERVE it. We deserve it. I am learning that God wants us to enjoy our lives. To some, that may be a no brainer. But after years of so much, well for lack of a better work, SHIT, we deserve to give our children a trip they'll never forget. And damnit, Darnell and I do too! 
My mom is coming w/ us which is fabulous b/c she has never had this kind of vacation either! And we also get to spend it w/ our awesome friends Jim and Jodi and their kids! God is so good. 
I feel like after some very rough months, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I have had some killer migraines this last 3 weeks. I mean, 2 trips to the ER, I wanted to put myself into a coma they get so bad. The worst part is that at this point, I have NO hope of this ever getting better. Well when I look at it thru my human eyes. When I put God into the equation, that changes. At this point, I am still suffering w/ these headaches, neck pain that is just as bad....it affects every part of my life. It truly feels like a disability at times. I have to plan out my days, think about what I am going to do b/c I don't want to bring on a headache etc...However, I'm willing to accept this until God decides to heal me. I'm going to be having a nerve block procedure to help w/ the neck pain. I have a husband and kids that know that I am limited in what I can do and they do so much to help and make up for what I can't do. I am very thankful for my family! 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

what a month it has been!

I survived one of the toughest months in my whole life. It ranked right up there w/ the extremely rough days and nights when Haley was in the hospital or Isaiah was. I truly give God all the glory. Darnell has been my biggest support. He has prayed over me, anointed me w/ oil while I was sleeping, you name it!!! 
Despite the tragedy, I am already seeing what God is doing and will continue to do in my life. 
Tonight I was driving, and I have to say, I think I was born in the wrong generation. I have always thought that. The idea of being a wife and mother, cooking and baking for my family is enough to fill my love tank. I want to give my family a cozy, warm, love filled home. I love family get togethers and cook outs and friday nights at HOME. Every now and then the wild side comes out in me and I want to go live it up, but I'll tell you what, after last month's horrendous incident i will never , EVER again take for granted the the sweet silence of my home. Or folding laundry and being around my kids on a fri/sat night. It gives me a sense of security. I think now more than ever since my sense of security and everything else was pulled out from under me. 
I think, or rather I know that our marriage is in the strongest place it's ever been. They say what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger, and if anything could take down Darnell and I, it was the events of this last month. Instead, we gave it to God. We turned to Godly wisdom, we prayed, we cried, laughed and even fought it out a bit. And it's been a roller coaster but one that has put us in the best place we've ever been in. I want my life to reflect God's love, I want to make him happy. I am praying God will direct me to whatever he has for me. 
I've been to the ER twice in 7 days for the migraines. The 2nd time I went to the one in Franklin, I was told that it's a much much better facility than St Mary's. And it is. they gave me the meds I wanted to help the headache go away. And of course it's a narcotic and so I don't want to look like I'm looking for drugs. The worst part of having chairi is that you have to jump thru a million hoops to get to the right Dr, get the right tests and then FINALLY get meds that will help w/ the headache from Hell. So.. I will continue to jump thru hoops. I've actually gotten quite good at it.. especially when getting Isaiah in the right classes, right school. Now I just need to find him a good psychiatrist that will help us deal w/ some of his issues that are beyond us and we'll be headed in the right direction.
Well, time of for bed. Eyes are starting to droop! 

Thursday, August 11, 2011


On Monday I had to go to the ER for a Chairi headache. It had started on Saturday in my neck and just kept getting worse. When I woke up Monday morning I just could not handle it. I was disappointed when I went and the meds they gave me were not at ALL what I had hoped. I left and still had a headache. The meds made me feel like I had restless body syndrome or something. It's so discouraging to go with the hopes of leaving pain free and then you don't!  Then it took a day or more to recover from having such a bad migraine. I have to say, once you feel better, you feel like a brand new person! 

I feel as if I am recovering quite well from what I went through last month. Darnell and I have grown so close throughout the last month. It is remarkable. We have talked more, like really talked in depth more than we ever have. That has helped me SOOO much. We both have totally fallen in love with each other all over again. It's crazy. crazy awesome!!! God has worked so much in our marriage. We are 2 months away from our 15 year anniversary! I wish we had the means to go on a vacation, but we are hoping to figure out a way to sneak away for a few days. After the year we've had, I think we both just need time to spend together, w/o any distractions. Darnell is the LOVE OF MY LIFE. We may sound sickening, but guess what? I DON'T CARE!!!  

I have peace. That doesn't mean that everything in life is all in order or perfect, and it never will be because that's just crazy. But God has given me peace. We were blessed and able to get the kids all of their school supplies and get a decent start on school clothes. This is the FIRST year that we have it all, even their shoes and what not 3 whole weeks before school starts. I am so thankful for my life. My family, my friends, everything that God has blessed us with. I would normally look at all the crap that's gone on especially this year w/ me and just be depressed and mad at God. But thru the dark times, I still see God's hand. During those dark times is when God comes in and shines his light. WE have to allow him to, we have to have that  door open. Don't get me wrong, it's hard sometimes. Of course I'm not thrilled to be diagnosed w/ a chronic condition that is unpredictable and all that, or that I went thru a traumatic experience that will always be something I can't forget. But if I close that door to God, that leaves me hopeless. It's WORK to CHOOSE to look to God sometimes when our circumstances are pulling us in every other direction. I am fighting, fighting for my life, for my kids, to keep turning to God. 

I am blessed, beyond belief. 

Thursday, August 4, 2011

August, really?

It's August already. I can't believe it. On September 1st, my Jeremiah will be a freshman. My girls will both be in middle school! And Isaiah will be in 2nd grade. I look back at the last several years and sometimes they seem like a blur. A lot has happened, good and bad. God has blessed our family. Even through the trials, I still see where He was with us and how he has blessed us. 
Darnell and I have been a couple for 17 years. Half our lives.  And the most awesome thing about it is that we are still in love with each other. When I met him I was a very shy girl that had never had a boyfriend. I had no idea how to respond to his interest in me. Of course it didn't take long before I knew He was the ONE. That girl that I was back then was naive, insecure, and had no idea that I would spend my life with the love of my life. I will admit I am still insecure about a lot of different things, but God is working on me.  I am ready for a new chapter to start in our life. A better one. The last several months have brought heartache and pain. However God will restore me. He is my refuge, my comfort, my help. Without Him, I am nothing. I praise God that I have Hope! 

Monday, August 1, 2011

People say.....

People say that you could never imagine going thru"fill in the blank". Well I think I've gone thru quite a bit of the things I never imagined I would. And I am not even 35 yet.  People also say well you must be really strong. WRONG! God gives me strength. That is the ONLY way I would ever get through a single day let alone the things I face. Right now I guess I'm in the healing phase of what I went through. I shared my experience w/ most of my friends and families. Well not all the details obviously, but that is like thearpy for me. 
I never expected to go thru what I did. In the same respect, I didn't expect to have 2 children w/ disabilities, or that I  would be diagnosed w/ a chronic condition that I haven't even scratched the surface of figuring out what the next step for that is. 
Some days I'll be honest and just feel so mad at God. Like, really, all this wasn't enough? It seems as if we deal w/ so much and then add money worries on top of that, and all that crap. I just feel like it's never going to end. I know it will. I know God has a plan. I also know that it is ok to be angry w/ God. I will not sin in that anger, but I know I can feel it. I also know that so much happens b/c God has something planned for later on. 
I just have to keep swimming. Even when I don't want to. Thankfully, I have an AMAZING husband who often is life raft! 
Right now I'm still feeling a whirlwind of emotions. But I know I will keep going. God is carrying me when I can't go on. 
I have a confession. I know that I have a serious problem w/ comparing myself to other wives/mothers. I look at them and see how they are either thin and gorgeous, plus patient and kind and never seem to lose their cool. Or I see that they have a ton going on in their life yet they are plugging along working full time and what not and I tend to totally shut down when it all hits the fan. 
I never feel good enough. With some of the mistakes I have made I can't let go of the guilt. Or the shame. To be sexually assualted and not feel shame is probably normal. It doesn't make me feel any better though. 
I wish I could see myself thru someone else's eyes. Ok, let me rephrase that, thru someone who has a healthy outlook on life and can tell me honestly what they see. I know I'm on the verge, like tippy toe steps away from dealing w/ the big huge monster called my self esteem. To be continued..........

Sunday, July 24, 2011

LIfe Changing......

Well the last 9 days have been almost the most difficult of my life. That doesn't include the anything that has had to do w/ our kids. Personally, it's been the hardest. I went thru something that no woman should. I of course am not one to hold things in because it's just not in my nature and if I did, I'd blow up and end up in the looney bin. no joke. I'm not getting into details. I just know I have a long road ahead of me, healing, forgiving myself even though I know nothing was my fault that happened to me. 
A roller coaster of emotions doesn't begin to describe this last week. However, I have seen our family and friends surround us w/ love, prayer, support, meals, you name it. Some days I just feel numb. Like I can't feel anything. Of course later on it all hits. But every day it get a little better. Darnell has been fabulous. He's been so supportive. I could go on and on. 
I'm learning a lot about myself, a lot I didn't realize. I have a feeling that in the months to come a lot will come out in me that is good and bad. I am realizing just how low my self esteem is, how I just CAN NOT wrap my brain around the fact that it wasn't my fault. THat is foreign to me. I always feel guilty for EVERYTHING. I feel like I'm not good enough for Darnell, just not good enough for anything. So I know I need to fix this. Well actually I'm relying on God to lead me. Because if I could have fixed this on my own, I woulda fixed it already. 
So at this point, I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster which is ironic b/c I  HATE roller coasters, I get motion sickness on the dang things. I am finding it hard to get back into motion of regular life. I at times feel mad at God. I got diagnosed in April w/ Chiari and I just barely got used to that and now I'm dealing w/ this. I mean REALLY? But I know asking those questions get me no where. so whatever. 
My priorties are changing. If I ever took for granted a quiet night at home, I never will again.