Wednesday, September 10, 2014

You Survived!

You have “those kind of days” where you sit back and realize that you’ve survived. You survived the things that almost broke you. That some days you thought did break you. Or even still, you sometimes you think you are indeed, broken. 

But you’re still here. Looking at the horrid stuff that got thrown your way. You’re not immune to it. No one is any more or less deserving of the heaping pile of crap that has somehow landed on your head. 

The days that you look at what your children have endured and you weep. That’s all you can do is cry for your children b/c if you’re feeling like the world is caving in, how do they feel? Yet they bounce back! It’s like the paddle balls you get at a carnival.. man those suckers come whipping back at you! Kids do the same thing! And they come back stronger. It may take awhile but they are resilient. I know this b/c I have seen it first hand. My children are strong. They are fighters. They are inspiring to me.  Isn’t that what parenting is about? Or what it should be about? That when faced with the things like Cancer and Autism and Bladder Exstrophy and PTSD and well.. there isn’t a word for what the family members that don’t have a “label” go through when they sit back and watch their family go through all that. They don’t have the “label” stamped across their forehead but they sure as hell deserve one. They sit in a tough spot. They see firsthand how all this stuff is hitting their siblings and parents. And they wonder when will something hit them?? My sweet children, how sorry I am that you feel like that. 

I won’t pretend that what we have gone through hasn’t left me in what feels like a million pieces some days. I want to put my fist through a wall when my son is crying uncontrollably because he is literally saying to me “ I can’t make it stop” He can’t stop the rage and feelings that swallow him whole. I can’t make that go away. I can’t make what my other 3 kids feel go away when they watch all this unfold. The range of emotions that wash through them is….well I’m not smart enough to insert the appropriate word to fit. 

The people on the outside see just a snippet of what really goes on behind closed doors. Well what goes on behind these closed doors? A lot of tears, a lot of prayer and a lot of laughter. The combination of those 3 are probably what keeps us all together. 

I still have days that I can hear CLEARLY the Dr. telling me as I’m driving down Main St on an absolutely beautiful summer morning that my husband did have cancer. Wait.. say that again? not because I want to hear it but because I don’t believe it. It feels like i’m watching this happen to someone else. I don’t know where to go with what that feels like. Where does a spouse fit in to the equation? 
So I guess I ask of people or would ask if anyone had the balls to come right out and ask me why I have had a difficult time..”WHAT WOULD YOU DO????”  Your husband, father to your children, literally the first and only love of your life has been given a diagnosis that you have NO idea what will bring or mean to your family. And you already are dealing w/ circumstances that scare you and rattle you.  How can I make it better? How can I do this? questions that go through your mind and never stop. 

Now, I don’t apologize for my feelings. I am NOT going to. Ever. I have told my children that they NEVER need to apologize for how they feel. No one can take that away from you. You have a right to feel how you feel. Our reaction to those feelings are where it counts. I’ll be the first one to tell you my reaction was to let fear get a grip on me. I have to fight it. I have to fight depression and anxiety. Those things that don’t leave a physical scar or outward warning to everyone else that you may just be a basket case walking around disguised as a mom. And if you do let it out.. well that isn’t always acceptable either. But it’s reality. It’s my reality and unfortunately it’s the reality that so many people face all the time. It robs you of joy and peace and happiness. 

I am forever changed. We have ups and downs. I am just barely scratching the surface of how the different “things”, circumstances.. whatever you want to call it have and continue to affect me. I’m not going to give up. I’ll be honest and say that some days I do want to give up. I want to hide. If I hide then for a little while nothing can creep into my hiding place and knock the wind out of me again. But I can’t stay there. It’s not healthy. It’s not where I’m supposed to be. I need to find a place of peace and solitude to re-group. But hiding out isn’t going to change anything. I am thankful for a God that loves me just as I am. He knows me. He knows the desires of my heart. He’s blessed me with these awesome kids that love me in spite of all my short comings. And he’s given me a husband that doesn’t judge me, doesn’t tell me to “get over it” but prays for me. Sends me text messages that are prayers asking God to help me through the day. That’s where we are at today.