Couldn't sleep last night!

Well I was up till 4 a.m. ~ I had a cup of reg. coffee at like 6pm and I guess that was too late... so after laying in bed trying to fall asleep for forever, I changed the laundry, folded it, organzied Savannah's drawers in the middle of the might, lol.. At least I got the rest of my laundry done. And since it's so nice out today I think I'm going to wash our sheets and put them out on the line. As I was laying in bed I did a lot of praying. We really need the $$ to get our porch done. I need to let God be God and do his thing and not get in the way. He has a plan, He has gone before me in everything I do, so why would this situation be any different? God does care about the details! So I am resting in that today! We had a bonfire last night, smores! And yesterday we went for a walk for the 3rd day in a row. Well I am off to start the day..a bit late since I didn't fall asleep till 4...oh well..

Isaiah is HOME

Isaiah is HOME!! He came home last night. He slept ALL day today. Part of it I think is his new meds plus I think he was just worn out. Tonight he had a big episode, but I didn't give in and yell or whatever( I am reading "The Difficult Child" and it says responding to him by yelling is like feeding into his rage) so I just went about my business and he finally calmed down, then he apologized without me asking! I feel like a made a small step in handling him. Baby steps....

Faith

Faith is no irresponsible shot in the dark. It is a responsible trust in God, who knows the desires of your hearts, the dreams you are given, and the goals you have set. He will guide your paths right. -- Robert Schuller --

That was posted on Facebook under the prayer thing..that is exactly what i needed to hear today. There are so many unknowns in life that having faith and trust in God is a must. Circumstances tend to get in the way somtimes of that faith and trust, and I am learning to remember to have faith rather than let the circumstance shake me. I think it is so awesome that God cares not only about our needs, but the desires of our hearts. How cool is that?

Well I am going to see Isaiah today. I am hoping he'll be coming home tomorrow or Thursday. They changed his meds so we'll see.

Laying it at God's feet!

Well today I did nothing. I never got dressed, I never took a shower, I did however get a couple loads of laundry done. that's it. I just felt so tired and drained. Tomorrow starts the week and I am a bit apphrehensive because I don't know what this week will hold for Isaiah. He may come home Wednesday. He's on new meds, he's going to be starting the day treatment program...so much new stuff. Good stuff, in the right direction just overwhelming. So I need to just take a step back and let God work on me. I have nagging thoughts of our porch getting done, painting, all that putzy stuff that runs thru my mind as well as all the bigger stuff. So.. I am going to lay it at God's feet. I really am at a place where I have to place else to look. I guess sometimes that's how God works. He lets us get to the point where we have no other choice but to look UP!! I can't micromanage every detail. I need to leave it at God's feet and really leave it there. So.. that being said, I'm going to bed!

Praise the Lord!!!

We went to see Isaiah today, he did pretty good. towards the end he started getting antsy and crabby. We met w/ the social worker who is referring him to the outpatient program at Rogers Memorial in Kenosha. It's a day program. I should be hearing from his Dr. about his meds and all that. So..I am relieved to finally be getting some help. On a another VERY good note, tonight me and a very special friend (she's truly like my sister and best friend) had a good long talk, cleared the air and in turn, I think, became even closer. Just to keep this personal, you know who you are and I love you!! I can go to sleep tonight knowing that things are better. God is certainly moving in my life.

Isaiah's in the hospital

Well Isaiah was admitted last night to Rogers Memorial in Milwaukee. He slept the whole way there, and thru most of the intake. While I was talking w/ the nurse Darnell got his jammies on and told him he would have to stay a few nights, when I came out from talking w/ the nurse Isaiah was sitting on D's lap sobbing. I felt so bad. He was so tired, we tucked him in and he fell asleep. We will call him in about a half hour. We aren't going to see him today because we don't want to disrupt his schedule and get him all upset for a 45 min. visit. I am really praying that we get somewhere with all this. I miss him, but to be quite honest, I feel relief. Relieved to know he's hopefully getting help, that we will get help in dealing w/ him. The girls are going to the trailer this weekend w/ Uncle Chuck & Aunt Linda and I think we'll have Jeremiah spend the night at Blair's or mom's. This will give Darnell and I some time together, to regroup, rest. I am very blessed w/ a great support system. Part of me feels like, this all just sucks. To have 2 of our 4 children have disabilities really bites. However, I also realize it could always be worse. They aren't life threatening, yet still stressful. I have had a few people in my life tell me all I did was talk about my kids( when they were going thru surgery, hospitalization, etc) and that has really tripped me up. I then feel guilty. Well, I am past that. These are my kids, my babies. How in the world could I NOT talk about it, not have it be my focus. I now know who is really in my corner and who isn't. And I have to say, I am extremely blessed by my circle of support.

A serious case of the Mondays...

Today was well...weird. Isaiah wouldn't get on the bus. So I had to bring him and Haley to school. He refused to go into class. After over a half hour of trying to get him to go, we left. I had called his Dr. because he's been so explosive that I'm about at my wits end w/ it. So.. the Dr calls back and says to up his medicine. Then they called back to schedule an appt. and we go tonight at 7. In the meantime, Isaiah came up to me and said he was ready to go to school !! WOW! He said he wasn't tired anymore and wanted to make a better choice. Talk about a mood change. so, I took him to school and had a peaceful afternoon. Hopefully We can get this raging under control...Jeremiah is now allowed to ride his bike to the library by himself. I know he's 12, but I still feel weird letting him go anywhere alone. It's like cutting off a limb..lol..but I know he loves that independence and he is going to the library to go on the computers. My baby is growing up!

Decent Weekend

It's been an interesting weekend. Darnell had to work overtime Friday and Saturday and then today starts his regular work week. So.. yesterday Isaiah was just completely out there.. screaming, yelling.. the whole 9 yards..I was already loosing my patience since he was home from school on Friday. I called my mom but she didn't forgot her phone so I called my aunt sheila and she insisted she come over. So she came over, brought me Starbucks(grin) and sometime just having someone else here helps. Well then Mom ended up stopping by and we all went back to mom & aunt sheila's house. We got pizza and blizzards. Then Darnell got done w/ work and was able to eat w/ us. Joyce Dehart gave us this cooooool vanity, w/ it's an antique and has the cool mirror! Plus a matching dresser. I am stoked. This morning Janis wanted Jeremiah to come and cut grass and asked if it would help me out if she took Isaiah too. BONUS!! So.. me and the girls went to Shopko so I could get sunglasses, then we got startbucks. When we got home, I put together lasagne so that at dinner time all I had to do was pop it in the oven. Then the girls and I went for a walk. They started off on their bikes, then Haley's chain broke, so she roller skated. Now I have to bring her bike back to walmart because her bike is brand new. Isaiah has been quite challenging lately... but I am slowly resigning myslef to the fact that it is what it is, like it or not. When the girls and I were walking, well I walked, haley skaed and Savannah had the scoooter. But just watching them, being kids, so carefree..I love that feeling of watching my kids just be kids. They don't have disrupted lives, we have provided a stable, loving home for them and I'm not patting myself on the back, but the proof is in the pudding..to see them just enjoying life, being carefree, to hear the girls talk back and forth like friends, not fighting like so many sisters do.. Those are the thoughts I chose to fall asleep thinking about.

Got my laptop back!

Well, today I feel like crap..I have a fever, every time I get up and start moving around I start feeling yucky, I woke up last night in a sweat, and I keep feeling hot and cold and sweaty..I got our laptop back today.. we had to send it in to the manufacturer to have the battery port fixed, I dropped it off at the UPS store last friday and got it back today! I just might email them to thank them for the fast service!! I am feeling a bit discourgaged today.. I just wish our financial situation was better. But I know God has always provided, so I need to let it go! Darnell is working friday and saturday, so his next check will have 2 days of overtime. So that's good. Well I guess I don't really have anything else interesting to say today, lol...

Good day

Well I got up and got moving and it's a good thing I did b/c Isaiah ended up having to stay home. He's soooo bound up that I can feel the stool in his intesintal track..it feels like he's got marbles in there. So I loaded him w/ miralax and hopefully we won't end up in the ER needing an enema. I got the downstairs vacuumed, the kitchen cleaned up, dishwasher loaded..all that fun stuff. I see Russ tonight, my couselor. I am kinda excited. It will be good to talk w/ someone, sorta spill out all my issues to someone who can give me unbiased advise. And I won't feel like I am burdening anyone w/ my emotional woes...I have had a few select people make comments about all I talk about is my kids and the health issues..that has really hit me hard. It made me be nervous to talk at all about it..I don't want to burden anyone yet, my kids are my life, how can I NOT talk about it? However the people that have said this have turned out to be people that are not really as good of friends as I once thought. So, all that being said, i know I still need a 3rd party, a professional to help me work thru all that we have dealt w/ even going back to when Haley was born. She's 10 years old, but this birth defect will affect her whole life, and now everything w/ Isaiah.. well I am not claiming to be any kind of saint that can just suck it up. I need help dealing w/ all of it, so I'm getting it. Today I feel really good. Mon & Tues I prayed specifically for finincail blessings and Darnell has to work 2 days over time so that was pretty cool. It's raining out and I can't wait for it to get nice out and stay that way for more than a day... Well I am off to eat some lunch!

Feeling Good today!!

Well, today is a great day. When D woke me up, I was having a horrible dream, so even though I am NOT a morning person, I was glad to wake up. So I got up took a shower and got the day rolling. I ran my few errands and was home by 9 a.m. Now, I am having the battle of whether or not to clean, go do some stuff in the yard, or be lazy!! It's so beautiful out that I don't want to waste the day. I signed the kids up for playgrounds yesterday. They start the very next day after their last day of school! I can't wait to open the pool!! I went to Gateway yesterday to sell a book back and I had to call my mom to remind me again that I cannot do school right now! I feel like, well like I should be able to handle it. Yet, my reality is that right now, I know w/o a doubt that God has me told me my #1 job is to be a mom. I am in the process of dealing w/ my own mental/emotional issues. I don't necessarily like that I need professional counseling, but I am not too proud to do what I need to do so I can feel better and be what I need to be for my family. So that has to be my focus. I don't want the drama, the ups and downs of anxiety and panic..I want to feel good and deal w/ circumstances in a healthy way. So if that means I can't finish school right now, than I have to trust that God will show when it will be time to go back and finish.
On a different note, I am CRAVING some excitement in my life.. different scenery, something fun, something DIFFERENT!!! Maybe w/ spring finally being here, I am just still having the residual affects of cabin fever.. however I just want to do something fun and different. I don't know what, lol.. I have my curtains pulled back, Rascall Flatts playing in the background...feels good to feel good!!!

Ups and Downs

Well it seems like I have my ups and downs..Sunday and Monday I got so much done! It feels good. I cleaned and did all the things downstairs that I wanted to do. Then I rearranged the living room and vacuumed like crazy! I called the guy about our porch since we got a notice in the mail about getting it fixed. He gave us an extension and said he's completely willing to work with us as long as we are consistently making an effort, which we will. Plus he suggested going to the habitat for humanity store for supplies! That is sweet. Plus the van passed emissions yesterday. I feel like my moods are just all over the place. I think after Thursday( the SSI phone interview) I will feel relieved to have all the paperwork out of the way and just pray and wait on God. Not wait on SSI, but God. We went to church and I really felt like God specfically told me that need to focus on GOD, not the house and everything else. If I do that, everything else will fall into place. Of course it's easier said than done, but I'm working on it. I hate that I have mood swings that literally change like wisconsin weather, lol.. I need peace. I have to tackle the upstairs..get the kids rooms really clean so that we can paint. I have a wonderful, hot husband and beautiful kids...I am choosing to focus on that today, not the depression that seems to have a hold on me!

Saturday!!

It's gorgeous outside! Darnell let me sleep in! he's awesome! I am hoping to get outside today and weed out the rose garden. Once again it amazes me that I am even saying stuff like that..lol..at any rate I am excited. This last week has been rough, I feel as though I hit my own rock bottom as far as depression goes. So..I've got a couple of appointments set up and I am going to take care of myself. I owe it to myself and especially to my family. I love the spring time, seeing everything turn green, flowers popping up everywhere.. I am hoping to make some extra cash somehow so I can get flowers and yard stuff. Well I am off to start my day!