Monday, July 1, 2013


Darnell had surgery on June 21, 2013. They removed the rest of the cancerous tumor. He had to spend the night.  He has a 7 1/2 inch incision. It goes across his upper thigh/lower buttock.  The Dr took a lot of tissue from that area so that there will clear margins-meaning no cancer cells all around the area. He had to come home w/ a drain. it was so uncomfortable for him. But it was necessary. Otherwise fluid could've built up in that area because there is now a large"cavity" where they took the tissue out. 
The pathology report showed it was stage 1 but Sarcoma is rare. There is a grade, mild, intermediate and high. His was high. So it was a small, super-ficial tumor that didn't spread but is a high grade. He sees the Radiology Oncologist at Froedtert on Wednesday. From the reading I've done ( prob too much) but the facts we need to know from the Sarcoma Center info from Froedtert, a person MUST see a Sarcoma specialist. It's so rare that it's just necessary. I'm very thankful for Froedtert. he could have seen someone here in Racine, but why go here when we can go to the best? 
He's off work for at least 6 weeks. Maybe more depending on the radiation. 
It's been a rough 2 weeks. I feel like it's all not real. 
I am trying to be positive, to look at all the good things. To be honest.. I just can't get past the fact that my husband is dealing with this. It came out of nowhere and blindsided us all. It's so much to take in. So keeping a positive attitude is a bit hard when I'm still trying to wrap my head around this.  There are so many unknowns and it just scares the crap out of me. I try so hard to keep my mind on the facts, on what I know to be true and that God hasn't changed. But jeez.. this is probably the hardest thing I've dealt with. And I'm not even the one that is physically dealing with it. I love Darnell so much. He's my best friend. We've grown up together..and we're going to grow old together. 
Tonight, I'm just scared. For him, our kids, myself. Cancer is scary. 
I'm trying to find resources for families dealing with this... help w/ insurance when it all gets expensive.. short term disability is an extremely small amount of money to live on. so I have to research.. find out whats out there for families dealing w/ cancer. I also am couponing like crazy.. trying to stock up and get the very most out of our money as possible. I thought about trying to get a job.. but seriously.. If he's going through radiation treatments and who knows what that looks like or how long that will be.. and hello... we still have 4 children that need their mom. So.. couponing, saving money, selling stuff on rummage sale sites on Facebook.. whatever. I'll do what I can. 
I am glad he sees the oncologlist on Wednesday so we'll get some answers but on the other hand, i'm scared to death. 
I know all the " Trust God, be patient, be positive, ...stuff" All of that is good.  However, right now, facing this, I feel freaking scared. I am sad for my husband, my kids, myself.   No one can tell you how to feel. You have a right to how you feel. I tell my kids that all the time. Like, if you are angry.. ok, you can be angry. Who am I to tell you how to feel or not to feel? What you do with those feelings is what matters. I will take these feelings and lay them at God's feet. That doesn't mean I don't hate this, that I hate feeling like this and that I'm just having a hard time. I'm doing the best I can. 

This month is Sarcoma Awarness Month. another rare condition that we are now aware of. God.. I am eager to know why? I guess we all feel that way. But I'm kinda looking at it like, my daughter was born with bladder exstrohpy.. she'll deal with it her whole life. My son has psychological issues that just get worse and we can't figure it out.. I deal w/ depression and have Chiari and it causes horrid headaches but can't be treated b/c it's not severe enough. Now my husband had cancer or has cancer, I don't know what to say. Will be in cancer treatment. And my 2 kids that don't have issues have to sit back and try and deal with all this. So, yeah.. I'm pretty pissed off. I'm tired of watching my family suffer. So yes I am trusting God b/c there is just nothing else I can do.