Sunday, January 31, 2010

Awesome Weekend!!

This weekend we have been VERY blessed! We got our tax return back. This really saves us every year! We booked 5 days at the Wilderness, we got the reservations on EBay.. get this, for a 4 bedroom Presidential suite, not even %600 for 5 days!!! We originally were going to use my bro in law's timeshare, but we couldn't get the dates we wanted, then we were going to book right thru the regular reservation desk, it was going to cost a fortune! I was hesitant and I am SOO glad I was. because ended up finding a fantastic deal on ebay. Everything is booked and paid for. SOO excited!!!!And we spoiled our kids. Something we don't get to do very often. They are already blessed in so many ways..but b/c we got more back than we thought, and because our kids are awesome, have had a rough year and well, WE love them dearly, we spoiled them! We got Jeremiah an Ipod Touch, he was thrilled, we got the girls and Isaiah the Nintendo DSI's..And I got a new camera! It felt funny spending money, but Darnell reminded me that we don't have the opportuniy very often to do this kind of thing for our kids. They are awesome!

We still are having some minor issues w/ Haley..she's had some pain issues, bladder spasms, possibe urine leaking ( which should NOT be happening!!!) and tonight her stoma was bleeding quite a bit. I'm sure she's fine, however it's still a bit nerve wracking! But for right now, Haley is feeling good, and really ok. So I will not get myself too worked up!

Friday, January 29, 2010

Why am I such a facebook junkie???

Why am I such a facebook junkie? blog junkie? I wonder sometimes because there are people that just look at those things as a waste of time. The FB part, can be a waste of time, at times! HOWEVER, facebook for me, has, brought me to a place where I can connect. Not on a personal level, but for me, getting comments, staying in touch, finding old friends, is so valuable. The whole idea of "networking" is just amazing to me. A lot of people use it for business purposes, but speaking from a stay at home mom's perspective, it's my life line some days. I love to share about my family, I am proud of my husband and kids. I love to share our ups and downs, because isn't that what it's all about? If you can't share the good and the bad with your friends and family, how lonely is that? Of course it puts you out there a bit, you are vulnerable. However I have found that for me,I'm pretty much an open book. I just am made that way. I don't know how NOT to be... LOL...Blogging is an outlet for me.. I have a lot going on most of the time and if I don't get it all out of my head, I will for sure wind up in the looney bin, no joke! So I might get teased for being a FB junkie, but that's ok. For me, in this season in my life, it has brought me closer to old friends, made some new ones, given me the opportunity to share my life w/those that care to share it with me!!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Not Me Monday!!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did NOT put my winter hat on over my non-washed hair, w/ no make-up and go thru the Walgreens AND Starbucks drive thru. I did NOT send my 9 yr daughter to bed crying like a 2 year old because she was sooo overtired she couldn't see straight. I did NOT try to ignore the God awful smell radiating from my van until I just couldn't stand it anymore. And finally, I absolutely DID NOT tell my 13 year old that he stunk and needed to take a shower. To his face. And he wasn't phased a bit, HAHAHA!!!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Why ask why?

Why? Why do we have to go through so much junk in our lives? Why do we have to watch our kids be born w/ birth defects and then suffer thru multiple surgeries? Why do we have to watch our kids deal w/ learning disabilites and do things they can't help? Why do parents die at too young of an age? Why do kids die before they even had a chance to really live? Why do so many parents divorce, abuse their kids, abandon their children? These are all things that I have experienced, or know someone who has. When Haley was in the middle of a hell-ish year of back to back surgeries, I SCREAMED at God, demanding he tell why he was allowing this to happen to my baby! He could have made her perfect, but didn't.Instead, I had to sit back and watch her suffer and endure more than any one should ever have to, AND knowing that her condition is chronic. It's not going away. God did answer me and to be perfectly honest, it took me a long time to accept it. The answer? God did NOT promise us that life would go smooth. That tragic, horrific things wouldn't happen. He did however promise that he would carry us thru. That's the hard part. Choosing to accept the answer and just put all our trust in God. I have days when I just need to forget, for just a little while, that we don't face many obstacles. I'm not perfect, I don't always handle the hard stuff well. My life, my kids lives are precious. Our family has endured a lot, but we are a family. We go thru it together. I fight the guilt that pours over me when we can't do something or go somewhere because Isaiah's having a meltdown and the other kids have to miss something. I tell them, and they know that it's not Isaiah's fault. That our life, is just going to be different someitmes. However I am coming to the realization that in the long run, hopefully, my children will see that life is always changing and sometimes you just have to rolll with the punches. I WISH God would have promised that life would be smooth, but He didn't. I can choose to accept that and accept his help, his wisdom to get me thru. I can also choose to go do my own thing and see how that works out. Well, let me just say, I have tried it my way...didn't work out too hot. So...I choose God. I am not and never will be perfect. I will and do have days that I have a hard time w/ that, but I'm working on it. Thankfully, God has given us families and friends that support us. They are there all the time for us. They love us despite our mistakes, shortcomings and days I might be throwing the pity party of the century, lol...Those are the things that get me thru the rough spots.

Saturday, January 23, 2010


I just watched " The Pregnancy Pact" on LIfetime.. it's about 18 girls who make a pact to purposely get pregnant. The main girl comes from a home w/ values and morals, and who was taught to wait till marriage. She didn't and got prego. It's such an interesting subject to me. I mean, I was 18 when I got pregnant. I will never ever forget the feeling of being so scared I could barely get out of bed...Thnk God he used that pregnancy and blesed us w/ an awesome son!!!!!!!! Now, all these years later I can't imagine my life w/o my son! I look to the future and do worry about my kids, peer pressure and I don't want them to fall into the same habits so many kids do. I want them to experience college, life, being on their own, then have a family. Of course I can't make their choices for them, I just pray that they will make good choices. I have to trust that the will, and that God will keep them safe, and they will follow his lead!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

crabby mood

I'm in a crabby mood tonight. I feel like I just want to lock myself in my room and not come out, for a LONG while. It has been one of those " I suck as a mom" nights and it's only 7:19 pm...This morning I went to Nikki's and spent some time w/ her and the girls. It's so fun to cuddle babies!!! Darnell is speaking at Eric's church tonight..I wish he could do that for a living. He would be awesome!!!

I am in a funk. I really need to get out of it. How do you pull yourself out? I sound like a broken record on this subject. But it's my blog. It's my outlet. Every day I want it to be better than the last, but it never is. I don't do all the things I want to do, all the things that will give me a feeling of satisfaction w/ myself to some degree. I know what I should be doing, and yet here I sit. On the computuer. I have been seriously considering taking a few days "off" of using the computer AND the TV. I know I would get a lot done. Although thinking about doing it and actually doing it are quite different, obviously. Darnell always is on the go..he has never ending energy. I feel like I don't carry my share of the weight...Well..I am going to quit whining.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Happy Birthday Darnell!!!!!!!!!!

Happy birthday to my awesome hubby!! He had to work today, but he had yesterday off and has tomorrow off. Tonight I made my first cheesecake. The cheesecake factory oreo cookie cheesecake factory. Hopefully it turns out! It has to sit for 24 hrs, so my family will have to wait till tmrw night to try it! LOL.... made stuffed manicotti for dinner. I think watching "Julie & Julia" is starting to wear off on me, LOL...

Monday, January 18, 2010

Carrot cake

My awesome sister in law took the kids overnight, well 3 out of 4, Jeremiah slept at Blair's. So It's been quiet in our house since 7pm last night...sooo weird~ Darnell's off today, It's Martin Luther King Jr day and it's a time warner holiday..I am made him a carrot cake from scratch. Last year when I made it I goofed and put 4 cups of oil in it...LOL.. I'll never ever live that down. EVER. haha..In my own defense, Isaiah was in the hospital and I was super stressed out! Got it right this year though! I love baking from scratch. It makes me feel like a real mom and housewife. Yes that sounds dumb, but I sometimes wish I had the energy and ways of keeping a home like women did years ago. Well I guess I don't have much else to say today!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Happy 11th Birthday Haley!!!

My baby girl is 11 today. I seriously can't believe it. Saying time flies is an understatement. To think back 11 years, where we were at then, how far we've come.. and everything in between! I was reading over the journal I kept when Haley had her big surgery in 2001....That seems like just yesterday. Now I look at Haley and am in complete awe of how far God has brought her!! Her birthday always brings back memories of how difficult that day was...on one hand it was one of the most wonderful days..I mean I gave birth to my oldest daughter, but the fear and anxiety of her medical condition at the time stole the joy of the day to some extent. However, I can look back and not feel anxiety anymore. I mean, really, how can I look at Haley NOW..and not feel so proud of her, so thankful for her life!

On another note, I have had a revelation of sorts. Not major to anyone else but me probably, but that's how it works right? Well, my revelation is..ready? Here it is.. I no longer feel guilty for not being able to do things, be places all the time. Sounds dumb right? well w/ Isaiah's issues, we literally have to take things one day at a time. At this stage in our lives, we have to make decisions based on (somtimes, not all the time) how Isaiah is doing. It's not always fun, not always fair, but it is what it is..I can't change it, can't make everyone understand, and So.. the big revelation is....I will do what I can do, when I can do it, and that's that. God knows my heart, he sees the situation we deal w/ and I have to say, our lives are never going to be "normal".. I don't know who sets the bar for "normal" , it for sure isn't us, LOL....I am completely content at home. I am praying 2010 is a bit easier for us. I thought this last week that Haley was going to possibly need surgery.. thank God we dodged that bullet, for now. So today is her makes me sad in a way that she's getting older, yet seeing her mature and grow up is awesome. My kids are growing so fast, I sometimes miss the days when they were babies, but when it comes down to it, I can't turn back time and let's face it, I deal with life much better getting a full nights sleep and not chasing after a baby.. been there, done that. time to enjoy this phase.So.. today I am laying low.. Isaiah's on edge, so I plan to have a quiet day at home.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Girls night!

Tonight was an unexpected girls night w/ me and my girls! Jeremiah and Isaiah are at Joanie's, Darnell is knocked out on the couch.. I made choclate chip cookies. Then Savannah asked me if she could put lotion on my back and legs and arms. I couldn't say no and hurt her feelings, haha... Then we painted nails. Then Savannah snuggled up next to me and, following in her mother's footsteps, wanted to google people. LOL!!! I was supervising of course. It is sooo amazing how much kids know about the internet. scary thought! I really enjoyed spending some quality time w/ my girls. Didn't cost a penny, and the girls had fun! They are still at an age that they actually like me and want to spend time w/ me.. I need to take advantage of that more often..It's so funny to hear them talk to each other when they think no one can hear them, to ask them questions, like what they want to be when they grow up...At this point, Savannah has said she wants to be..."a nurse, Dr, lawyer, and a few other things, LOL" glad she's got ambition! Then I asked her when she wanted to get married and have kids. Her response was" well how old were you when you got married, I said 19.. she said well I want to get married then too. I said absolutely NOT! lol. Thankfully for Darnell and I were/ are very blessed that against all odds, we are still married, still in love.. however I HOPE my kids will choose to experience life, college, living on their own or w/ roommates, all that college age stuff. A mom can pray for that right? ! Well I can't keep my eyes open. It waa a good friday night!

random thoughts!

Happy Friday! Kids have early release today. Darnell's at the Dr. I was going to go w/him, but decided to stay home. I have a stomach ache.. not sure if it's from my meds I take in the morning or what..I watched the movie " Julie & Julia" last weekend, and I want to watch it again. It makes me want to cook/bake. I hope Darnell gets his W2's soon. I love tax season, lol... It's no secret that we live for our taxes, haha... not really, well sort of. I have soooo many things I want to buy. Some of it is just the necessary things but alot is not! I really want new clothes. But, I want to lose some weight first. Which leads me to the constant reminder that I need to start working out. I seriously have zero energy for that nonsense, lol! I did a little research I guess you would call it on anemia. The symtoms are all the things I've been feeling for months. My levels are still below normal, but are moving up. I showed Darnell what I read online, he said " I believe you when you say that being anemic makes you feel crappy" but for some reason I felt the need to show him, sort of justify why I have zero energy... he never ever makes me feel the need to explain myself, I just am that way I guess. It's like have a physical issue, plus dealing w/ depression and having to keep up w/ a family of 6 can be draining. I am extremely blessed to have a family that understands! I have a blessed life.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

When did I become a grown up?

I am coming close to turning 33... wow.. where has the time gone? All of a sudden I will be doing something and it hits me, " I'm an adult, a wife, a mother" One might say, well "Duh.. you've been married for over 13 years and have 4 kids.. but you know that moment when you are doing somehting and become very aware of the fact that Oh man, I'm grown up!!! Today I got some good cleaning done, rooms cleaned.. I read a few chapters in the bible, spent less time on the computer and even played connect 4 w/ Isaiah! I felt like, in my mind, I met my wife/mommy requirements! Sad but true.. I have these goals in my head, ideas of how I want to be and today, for the firt time in awhile, I felt like I accomplished some of that today. Haley is doing much better. She visited Walden today. I REALLY pray she gets in! Last night I went to the mom's small group at KFA. It was really a breath of fresh air. Moving to a different church is not easy. I didn't think Jeremiah would go to youth group, but we asked him if he would be willing to at least try it. And he did, and he said he would go back. I didn't pressure him at all. We made it clear that he is still able to go to RAG for youth group. This was his decision. He's at a touchy age, I don't want to force him into anything, especially when it comes to church and his relationship w/ God. It's a crucial time in his life, so I know if we push too hard, we may compleltely push him out of wanting to go to church. If going to Crave is what he is more than welcome. So we'll see what God has in store for our family.

Darnell goes to the Dr tomorrow, thank God. He will talk to Dr. Durbin about D's acid reflux, possible sleep apnea, if and when he needs his throat dialated.. so I am glad he's going. Well I am signing off for the night, I somehow sprained or something, my left pointer finger.. Darnell told me to pull on it to pull it back out.. I told him he's crazy, lol.. either way, it's bugging me, I'm sleepy...good night!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Flashbacks, Children's Hospital..etc...

So today was like a flashback of my life 9-11 years ago. Call Children's, wait for them to call back, wait some more, tey call back and say get up here ASAP. Then I start the frenzy of calling Darnell, the grandma's, babysitters, the usual. So Darnell comes home from work and off we go. Haley's pain in her left side, I thought it was her hip bone but it's actually the pelvic bone. On the Xray ( which I took a picture of w/ my Iphone) On the Xray you can see "something" where her pain is. It's obvious and it's not on the other side of her pelvis. So tomorrow the orthopedic surgeon will look at her Xrays and we will see what he says. I also am asking the Physican's assistant to have him check the gap between her pelvic bones. due to the nature of Bladder exstophy, it's normal for Haley to have a gap, however I have heard of other kids having to have revisions of their pelvic surgeries because even after bringing the bones back together sometimes they spread too far apart as they get older. I have a pretty good feeling that Dr. Thometz will say it's fine, but I am glad we brought her in. Tonight her pain level was at a 5. She is a tough cookie and I told her tonight that I want her to be honest about her pain. She doesn't always have to be strong. Because if we don't know how she's feeling, really feeling, we can't help her.
Going to Children's brings back a flood of memories. Yes, Haley is for the most part fine, and she's almost 11, but I will not lie and pretend that being at Children's, 6 days before her birthday, smelling the smells, being there, just brings back alot of memories. I do have to say, thru the years and with the bad memories come alot of good ones too. Memories of all our friends and family that have supported us, prayed for us, took care of our kids, made us meals, I could go on forever.. the point is..God has truly blessed us. In spite of the fact that we have 2 children w/ disabilities, God has blessed us in incredible ways. So when I whine or complain, I am not forgetting what God has done nor am I unaware of what God has for us, good things. But as a human, as a mom, I have not had the easiest year or two.. I'm still recovering if you will from this last year w/ Isaiah, while still dealing w/ his continous issues. So.. I am a work in progress. I am a wife/mom/follower of God who is *gasp* and brace yourself, depressed. Working hard to pull myself out of the pit of depression. I will be quite honest to say it's hard to do that when things keep getting thrown at me. What goes thru my head? "just roll w/ it Melissa, this is life, this is parenthood...blah blah blah.." or "suck it up...shake it off...Well, I'm working on it! God is working on me. In his time, I will come thru this and I am trying not to wallow and fall into self pity although I know I tend to fall into that. again...a work in progress. I HAVE to get a handle on all this, I have 2 kids that have chronic issues and 2 other kids that have siblings w/ chronic issues..thankfully I have a husband who is completely at my side, working just as hard to do the best we can with our kids. Darnell & My mom have been sooo supportive and understanding and doing what they can to help me, guide me, listen to me.. as well as my great friends. I am blessed. Tomorrow I will update about Haley. Hopefully I can sleep tonight.. even w/ good sleepy meds, when I'm this stressed out I have a hard time staying asleep!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Times are a changin'

Well I went to Kenosha first Assembly of God this morning. I haven't been to our church in months. I knew it was time for a change. I've known for a long time. Making a move on the other hand has been hard, especially with this last year being so rough. I have a tendency to feel the need to explain myself to everyone and want everyone to be happy with me. Well...I need to get over it. Yesterday I clearly heard the Lord telling me that today(Sunday) we needed to go to KFA.(Kenosha First Assembly). I was excited, because feel like I finally felt God release me to go. That might not make sense to some, but it does to me, lol! And the sermon was about commitment. I wasn't commited to going to churc at all this last year. I will admit that, but I also will say I had valid reasons that I have blogged about before and won't go into it again. Now, I am trying to move forward. It's a huge step. But it's exciting! I left church feeling great! I felt like God was saying " good job!" cheesy I know.. I now am praying that this transition is smooth for the kids. I think the girls will be fine, they met their new Stars teacher and are excited to go on Wed. I didn't bring Isaiah for our first time b/c I wanted to get my bearings, and make sure this was going to be a permanent move. And it is. Sooo...I am going to attempt to bring Isaiah on Wednesday night. Bringing him to church is difficult, one minute he's fine, the next he's not. So.. I am a bit nervous. But I am praying it will go well. There's a class on Wed. nights that I am excited about going to for moms. Change is hard.. Jeremiah wants to stay at RAG for Crave on Wednesday nights which I think will be good. He's being ministered to, and he's at that age where I don't want to force that change on him unless Darnell and I really feel like it's needed. So...New Year, New Church, we'll see what else God has for us!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Answered Prayer!!!

Yesterday at some point, can't exactly remember when, I prayed that God would provide for us. I wasn't freaking out, just said a prayer., I get the mail and see something from AT&T payroll dept. well when I got my Iphone last January we had to put a rather large downpayment down. In an effort to be completely honest, our credit was/is crap so we had to put money down. However, if you pay your bill for an entire year on time w/ not getting your service cut off, you get that deposit back. Well we got it back today. Totally unexpected! It was awesome!!! We went to Walmart and got groceries & all that good stuff. I got an electric blanket. SOO excited about that! Then tonight I watched " Julie & Julia" Good movie. I like how Julie's whole thing is about blogging. Which of course I like doing! In my blog I will not be blogging about meals I make, it's about my life, as a 30 something wife/mother/woman who is just trying to figure this life out and make it out alive! Some days I am positive, others I am a whiner and cussing and well just letting it all out. That's the point. For me it is. I don't want to be fake. So my blog pretty much is what your read is really what you get from me. Watching that movie sparked a thought in my little brain, Julie set a deadline to finish her blog about baking Julia Child's recipes in 1 year. I need to do something like that, but different.. I need to do something and set a goal. I need to feel accomplished at SOMETHING! I at times, lots of times, feel like a not so hot wife/mom...THese last few years have honestly taken a lot of "me" out of me. Does that make sense? I use to cook and bake all the time.. I just know I used to be someone different. I feel like that anyways.. I guess as you get older, our kids are getting older and the dynamics have changed, so maybe that's why I feel so....weird. However I am feeling better. My iron level went from 14 to 25. The normal levels are 30 -110, so I'm still low and had to up my iron and I feel like at a snails pace am getting some energy back. That's hard when it's winter in WI! I'm home all day, every day..I need to find something that I can do for myself, finish it and give me that feeling satisifying feelng. After 13 years of doing laundry and cleaning, that isn't cutting it anymore. Partially because I no sooner clean up the mess & someone behind me is making another one.. I am *thinking* about starting w/ my attic, moving thru every room in the house and doing a complete deep cleaning, de cluttering,. That of course doesn't sound fun, but honestly it will give me a good feeling that I am doing a good job as a housewife. We'll see, I need to pray about it.
Tomorrow, I am stepping into the unknown. Going to a different church on a Sunday morning for the first time. I am leaving Isaiah w/ Joanie. I feel sad that I can't bring him, but I need to scope this out, check out the church, see if it's something we are going to commit to and then ease Isaiah into it. It's in Kenosha and he does not do well in the van for very long. I am realizing how many changes we have to make because Isaiah can't handle the ebb & flow of life. That makes me sad. I know, I pray he will be able to someday, but for now, I finally feel God directing me in a different direction. I have no idea where it will take us, so we'll take it one step at a time. So.. I guess I had a lot in my head tonight..Good to get it all out!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Feeling Good!

Well, yesterday I had the mother of all migraines. My aunt brought me some meds that make it bettter, lol.. Thank God. When I woke up this morning I felt it start again, so I took another dose of the meds and took a nap, woke up and all was good. It's snowing like crazy. We kept the kids home b/c we thought it was going to be really bad, it wasn't as bad as they predicted though. Darnell took the kids sledding. He made meatball bombers for dinner and I made homemade chocolate chip cookies. I am in a really good mood tonight. Even though, honestly, we barely have a penny in the bank, I am happy. Of course I would like to have $$, but I have found thru the years that this is part of raising a family. There's probably a small population of people, at least that I know of, that have 'IT' all together. This is what life is about, the ups and downs and how we deal with them. God always provides. ALWAYS!!! So I know we'll have food and gas and all that...I'm happy also because I am sooo thankful for my husband. Darnell is amazing. After all these years he still loves me. And I love him. I was looking at our kids and just can't get over how breathtaking they are. God is soo good to us. I am going to go enjoy the rest of my night in my cozy warm home!!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

God is GOOD!

Today was a good day. I vegged out all day pretty much, then we went to our friends', Mickey & Sarah's house for dinner and to hang out. Jeremiah babysat. That sounds so weird, lol...Last night I was driving and I a lot of times when I'm alone in the van I turn the radio and just talk to God. ne night, I even just screamed at the top of my lungs, complaining, yelling the whole 9 yards. At first I felt like " oh my goodness, am I out of line w/ God?" Then it occured to me, God already knows what I am thinking, and after all, he is God. He can handle what I can dish out. I just needed to get so much off my chest. So I did. And boy did it feel good. And I didn't feel bad. He knows my heart. So last night I was driving and talking to God. Praying really, that for 2010 would be better. Asking God for his leading, his guidance..etc. I also prayed specifically about our house situation. We have a land contract, we really really really want to buy it. However there are some roadblocks. mainly our credit. Well tonight while hanging out w/ some friends they gave us some tips about what they did that helped them buy their house. It just felt like, last night I prayed that God would open doors. I feel like he did that tonight. Isn't that cool? And it all comes down to trusting that God has our best interest at heart. He sees the full picture. I tend to forget to look outside the box. With some effort I intend to change that. I mean really, my entire adult life is a testimony. We've had ups and downs that most people never deal with. I won't lie and say that many times I really just was fed up. Why, really, seriously, why God did you pick US to have 2 disabled children? Well why not? God must trust us w/ our kids...a whole lot! People have said that to us and I thought they were just saying that to make me feel better. But, I am seeing the truth in that. God handpicked our children for us to parent. WOW! What an honor. Yes we have some difficult circumstances, however God is paving the way. So, instead of fighting it, it really is much easier to accept and live our lives. Now don't get me wrong, there are days where I have meltdowns, blowups, whatever. But, hey I am human. So for once in a long time I don't feel as overwhelmed as I have in recent months. Praise God. I serve a good, merciful, graceful God who loves me just as I am, where I am at and knows where my heart is at. I need to keep reminding myself that. I am going out on a huge limb here and addressing the fact that I have not gone to Sunday church in months. I am sure there are plenty of people w/ their opinions and can't even imagine what is being said about me. But honestly, God is not convicting me. So I refuse to let what others may think make me feel guilty. No one is dealing w/ the same issues I do. And I don't need to explain it all out just to make myself feel less guilty about not going to chruch. I haven't left God. It's about a relationship w/ him, that I still have. For a little while I was sorta doing my own thing, figured out real quick that that is not what I want for my life. Right now, as a family, Darnell works Sundays, so he can't go to church. As for me and the kids, we don't go. There, I said it. I did not get struck by lightning, I did not lose my relationship w/ the Lord. For our family this is the season we are in. So whether or not someone agrees, I really need to focus on my family first. If you don't agree, I am sorry for the person that can't respect decisions we make. I have gone to church my entire life. I am tired of living in guilt over EVERYTHING! God has NOT convicted me. So..that has been a very rough issue for me, however God has released me from the expectations of the world. It's me and Him. I answer to him. My kids are not going to be heathens. I guess I have rambled on long enough on this subject. Now that I have opened that can of worms, I'm sure there will be more to come. I know God will open doors, show me the ay. Until then, I will follow his lead. God is good. He provides for our family, blesses us beyond measure, even though we don't deserve it. So I am at peace w/ my life, for the most part. again, I am a work in progress. I'm so thankful God doesn't give up on us.

Friday, January 1, 2010

2nd blog of the day

Well I guess I have more to say or rather more that I would like to blog about...stuff that's been rolling around in my head. I feel like I'm starting to turn a corner. This last year, well was hell. It left me VERY..well unstable. I felt like I couldn't function. Taking a shower seemed to be difficult. I just didn't want to be a part of the land of the living. Living seemed too hard. Some days it still does. However, I feel like things are going to get better. The last few months w/ Isaiah not being in school, we have had our days together. Just me & him. At first I thought, WOW, I can do alot, go to the library ( which I only did once) visit w/ good friends( Nikki & the girls), keep my house organized..the list goes on. What ended up happening is that I felt like I had only enough energy to do the necessary things.. then Isaiah and I would come home and literally nap every single day. At first I thought jeez Melissa you are such a lazy blah blah then really I felt like God gave me that time to rest. It wasn't an accident that Isaiah and I were home and we both needed to rest after the hard months we both went thru. God knew I needed that rest. Then I started noticing that Isaiah's attitude towards me was changing, he was more cuddly, more loving, the bond was forming again. Praise God. I felt like even though my son has these issues, I at least have a better relationship with him.
I also am having a hard time (kinda) w/ this whole having a teenager thing. I am missing my kids being little SOOO badly. Then I read in a blog about cherishing each stage your child is in. If I spend all my time missing what used to be, I am going to miss what is happening now. It just feels weird to be 32 and have 4 school age children. I feel a little displaced. I know someday I will be a RN. God has definately given me peace about that, and about not having my own agenda about when I will finsih school. Having schoolaged children does not automatically mean I can go to work and all that. I really thought once Isaiah started school, I'd finish school and get myself on the road to becoming an RN. What I didn't expect was for Isaiah to have all the issues he's had w/ school, not being able to go to school and now his Dr telling me to seriously consider homeschool. That all threw me for a huge loop. I have to accept this and honestly, now that I have, I have peace. I am glad I am home for my kids. If they are sick, I can be home w/ them. I am feeling blessed. I know I have a long ways to go in dealing w/ depression, but I'm trusting God. Darnell has been awesome! On his days off, he lets me sleep, he encourages me to get out and about but doesn't push. Darnell is the exception to all the rules...I feel like God has given me an extraordinary husband. I won't lie and say that I don't still deal w/ issues about my dad. It's still hard to except that he didn't ever want anyting to do w/ me. It's easy to say, oh well, his loss, whatever. But I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have an earthly father. My best guess is God protected me all these years from an earthly father that would have just made my life miserable. For that I am thankful. Plus, now seeing Darnell and the kind of father that he is to our kids, he set the bar high. He's the kind of father that you just couldn't even imagine. I am so thankful that our kids have that. So I don't know if I'll ever speak to my dad again, I won't lose any sleep over it. I just wonder sometimes and I think that's normal..Well my eyes are getting heavy, I have probably rambled on about stuff I have rambled on about before, lol.. but hey, it's my blog so I get to do that if I wanna!! hahaha

Hello 2010!!!

I really can't believe it's already 2010! We had a great New Years Eve! We went to Jake & Emily's ( well Emily's parents house) for a huge party. It was fun! We could have brought the kids, but it was nice to have a night out. Most of the people there were from Emily's parents church, so we didn't know that many people, but we still had a blast!!! With this new year, I really need to focus on enjoying where I'm at. Not missing what used to be or wondering what is to come. I don't have control over any of it anyways, I just want to enjoy my life as it is. So many circumstance in my life have left me w/ no control.. Isaiah's issues are unpredictable..It's hard to plan and I really need to let God have complete control. Much easier said than done. I am choosing to let God lead me. Being a basket case is getting OLD!!! Seriously. enough already. I'm the ONLY one who can change my frame of my mind, who can chose to take the circumstances I have and let God lead me. I don't have to have all the answers. My kids are awesome. Truly, I am in awe of what wonderful people they are becoming. They are fun, smart, and sooo easy going kids. Darnell and I are truly blessed. To be 32 and have a teenager does make me feel SOO weird, LOL...but I am going to embrace it and enjoy each child at the age they are at! Well I am off to take a nap.. I think I have caught the cold Haley has had..oh well..