Monday, January 17, 2011

12 years ago!

well today my Haley baby turned 12. I can NOT believe it. she was born at 11:57 p.m. As most people know, the first weeks of her life were probably the hardest weeks we have ever, ever endured. We were 21, so young, so unstable and then had this baby w/ a birth defect that scared the crap out of us!!! Some years on her bday, I get very emotional, thinking about all she's been thru. I won't lie, I don't know that that will ever go away. However, I feel like I have more feelings of gratefulness than sadness. I look at her now, and am AMAZED at how far God has brought her. All of the things I feared when she was a baby have pretty much disappeared. I am a mom, so to say it will all go away, well it would be a bold face lie. But I don't live in fear. She is a blessing. I love to look back and see how God worked it all out. I think one of the biggest things I am thankful for is how Haley's bladder exstrophy has brought our family closer. Jeremiah and Savannah are there for Haley in a heart beat if they see she's having spasms. It's not something we ever asked them to do, we didn't put expectations on our other kids to do certain things, it's just who they are. we have some amazing kids. and an even more amazing God for seeing us thru all this and knowing that he'll see us thru whatever else comes our way!!!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

8.4 pounds!!!!!!!

I weighed in today! I lost 8.4 pounds in a week! WHOO-HOO!!!!!!
In the last 7 days I have gone to 5 zumba classes. I think I am getting addicted! lol..of all the things I get stuck on, zumba is a good one! I feel great when I am exercising. I have more energy, I am getting more things done at home. I really feel great. I EVEN stopped taking tylenol PM. I have relied on that for so long to help me sleep! Now, I think my body is so tired, lol, i don't need it! I take an anti anxiety med at night and now I'm just taking melatonin. I wake up feeling good, not feeling so drowsy.
This is really life changing. I am writing everything down, trying to follow my post gastric bypass diet as best I can. Going to zumba also allows me to bring my girls. I feel like it's my responsibility to show them how to be healthy. I want exercise to be a normal part of our life. Unfortunately, on both sides of our families, we have the "fat genes". But that doesn't mean we have to let those genes stick!!! So I am feeling energized, positive, and I know this is just the beginning!!! My short term goal is to lose 30lbs. My long term goal is to lose close to 100lbs!! I want to grow my hair long, and be the long haired brunette bomb shell for my hubby!!!!! lol...

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Bi Polar

Bipolar. That word can mean something different to everyone. Some think it means you have highs and lows. You are depressed and then you are high as a kite. Some people think it means you're crazy. what does it mean for a 7 year old boy? It means that when he was 2 1/2 his mom noticed different behaviors. Crying fits that went beyond a tantrum. Having to have his way. Extreme rages. Extreme reactions when things didn't go his way. It meant when he was 3 and 4 and was physically hurting his mother, throwing things, slamming doors, banging on windows, going nuts in a moving vehicle. Then come the meds. This one makes no difference, this one makes him a zombie, this one makes his symtoms so much worse, this one works, but only for a short time. His siblings walk on egg shells because you just never know if he's going to blow up. When he is not raging, he is th sweetest boy. His smile lights up a room. His giggle is infectious. His hugs are the best. He idolizes his big brother. He has a great sense of humor.

This boy also has a learning disability. He gets frustrated easily. In the morning, if he's rushed, he shuts down. If his socks feel funny it may trigger a rage. If he wants something and can't find the words to communicate it he starts to wring his hands together. He grunts and fusses and his whole body just sort of jerks. If you try to ask him what he wants, it only makes it worse. He does not have the capibility to verbalize what he wants or needs. when he is asked to do something and simply can not do it, he unravels. It literally looks like someone going thru withdrawl. He craves order, things being the same, routine. He is not flexible to change.

This is just a glimpse. Every morning when he gets out of bed, we have to gauge whether or not it's going to be a good morning. Think about every single step of your morning routine. Then think what if at every turn, you are stopped. You can't go with the flow. The cereal you normally eat is gone, and you simply can't eat anything else. Get the idea? My son goes thru all of this every day. My other kids deal with his rages. But here is the kicker......we have hope. I have hope that because of all of the above, I will be a more compassionate human being. My kids will see that people suffer from mental illness and will not judge. My son is wonderful. I love the look on his face when he gets off the bus. I love watching him swim. I love that his sweet spirit radiates from him. I love watching him play with littler kids, and how he is so gentle with them. Yes, my son has bipolar disorder. It's a condition he has, not who he is.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


So, the beginning of the new year has been pretty good. I have gotten back on my eating plan according to the weight loss surgery plan. I did zumba, and my weight loss yoga this week. Yesterday and Today I ate exactly how I should. It feels good. It feels good to have control. Yesterday during Zumba, I think once the endoprphines kick in, my mind goes into high speed. I seem to get all these ideas, all these thoughts of things I want to do. For example, I want to write a book. I want to write about real women, real christian women who struggle with feeling like not measuring up, having unusual circumstances that make you stand out from the "normal christian mom". I do NOT fall into that cateogory. With that comes guilt, shame, feelings of not knowing where you belong. I know I am not the only one to feel this way. However, I do feel as if I have a very different lifestyle than a lot of moms. I have a husband that is OUTSTANDING.... really, he just is more than I could have ever dreamed of. I have one child w/ a physical disability that is chronic, that she will deal w/ for the rest of her life, we have been thru hell and back w/ the surgeries and still face the unknown for her future. I have a son who is bipolar, which is not a very PC diagnosis. People don't get it, don't understand it which leads to not wanting to accept it. We've had to fight every step of the way to get him the help he needs and I still don't feel that it's enough. We also have a 14 year old son who has the biggest heart, the sweetest spirit, the most loving attitude I have ever seen in a teenager. I worry though about how these other things we deal with affect him. I do know it has brought out compassion, empathy and a great love for his siblings. I just dont want it to make him feel overly responsible. We also have the most spirited, fun, outgoing, daughter on the PLANET!!! She is Haley's best friend at this point, she is right there when Haley is in pain or having bladder spasms. She is the comic relief in our family and she doesn't even try to be. She is so comfortable in her own skin. So....the dynamics in our family are not typical. we are relatively young parents. we raise our kids based on Godly things. Although in the last few years, I will be very honest and say that I have pulled away from our church for various reasons. Not being able to bring Isaiah, depression, a feeling of just not wanting to go. Not that I am leaving my relationship w/ God, but my view on church is changing. Not my view on God. so, needless to say, I have all this going on. It causes quite a bit of internal turmoil. what do I do to make everyone happy? to make my kids happy, my husband, myself, and ultimately my God? How do I define the difference between guilt and conviciton? Am I one of those people God is going to use to go against the "norm" and be different? I am not sure. we shall see. Am I meant to write about all this and at some point share it with the world? Is my blog just for me and a few faithful readers, or will more people benefit from what I experience? time will tell. For now, I am going to cuddle w/ my sweet hubby!