Friday, December 31, 2010

Good-Bye 2010

Well 2010 was a better year than 2009. It was a big year for us in a lot of ways. In Feburary, on Valentine's Day on our way to the Dells, I received a text that changed my life. My dad contacted me. We hadn't had any contact since I was 17. Long story short, I now have a great relationship w/ my dad! I met 2 of my brothers and their families. It was absolutely something I never imagined would happen, but did!!

In May, We moved. We now live right across the street from Lake Michigan. I'll be the first to admitt, it was a hard move for me at first. I loved our old house, I did not want to move. However, financially we just couldn't handle it anymore. God opened the doors to this house. It was so awesome! I love our new house, I am looking forward to this spring and summer and getting some great use out of our porches.

This year our kids seemed to have grown like weeds. Jeremiah is quite a bit taller than me now! The girls are turning into "tween-agers"...that state between still having one foot in the little girl world and one foot and being a teenager. scary. They are good girls! They are fun and sweet, they get along. I really couldn't ask for a better daughters. The dynamics between them are amazing. I just love listening to them, watching them. Isaiah has sone so much better. he's done well in school, he's doing so much better. We still have some hurdles, but from where we were a year ago. Jeremiah is in his last year of middle school. I can't believe it. I look at him and just can't believe that my boy is a young man!!!!!

In October, Darnell and I celebrated 14 years of marriage. He sent me on vacation, to Florida, in November, ALL BY MYSELF!!!!! haha! I went for 10 days to visit Aaron and Meg. It was so much fun, relaxing. It was exactly what I needed. It was something I had seriously prayed for for so long. I had wanted, no needed a vacation for soo long. God provided.

Darnell is my best friend. he's the most wonderful husband and dad I could ever want. He knows me better than anyone. He spoils me. I tell him not to, he doesn't listen. lol. He really has shown me that he loves me just the way I am. I am so blessed. I wonder, a lot of the time, why in the world he loves me! He does though and I love him so much. Yeah, I know most people don't want to read about lovey dovey stuff. but too bad! lol

This year I have learned a lot. I am working on trusting God more and worrying less. I have struggled w/ my weight this year. I started doing zumba this year. That has opened a door to a whole new world of exercise!
Well I will wrap this up. It was a good year. a lot of changes, good and bad. But w/o change, God can't do what he wants to do. Change is uncomfortable..but necessary.

Good Bye 2010!!

Monday, December 27, 2010


Today SUCKED! No other way to phrase it. It started out ok. However, w/ all the busyiness of the holidays, it has caught up to Isaiah. He was RAGING mad....I'll spare you all the details, except to say, It breaks my heart to see him like that b/c no matter WHAT I say to him, until his brain shuts off a bit, he's a raging little 7 year old. I felt numb. Then on top of all that, I locked my freaking cars in the van, while the van was running. So, it ran for 7 hours until D got home and unlocked it w/ his keys. My mom did come over, brought coffee and that helped! So, needless to say..I'm pissy and crabby and that's that. No exuses, no apologies, it is what it is. I do however pull it together to make a decent dinner, get the house cleaned up a bit. I am ready for the tree and all the decorations to come down. I love my darling children dearly, however, I think I may need a bit of a break. Just for a bit. I'm getting crabby and I do not want to take that out on them. and w/ Isaiah being a loose cannon.. well...Im a bit drained. It literally tires me out menatlly thinking of all the years ahead of me and not knowing what we face w/ Isaiah. I realize God is in control.. but today things felt out of control.. I felt angry and pissed off. that's the truth. If that makes me a crappy mom, oh well. Even though I am a mom, I am still human. I probably should stop writing now b/c I am sure I could easily go off on more of a tangent.. and I know for a fact later on I will regret it. So that's it. Done pissing and moaning for today.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Never a dull moment!!

It's the week of Christmas. Tomorrow is the kids last day of school. They all are pretty excited! I just got done wrapping presents, still have some more to wrap, but I need more wrapping paper. So, in keeping w/ my "lay it all out there" attitude, I will share a very embarrassing and humbling moment I experienced today. I went to the post office to ship my Dad's Christmas present. Now I have never shipped anything for Christmas, so i am a rookie at this. I get there, get my box, had to buy packing tape, blah blah blah.. I wait in line, the guy puts the sticker on my box, I swipe my debit card. DECLINED!!!!! Are you FREAkING kidding me?? The line in the post office was like the line to sit on santas lap. geez. Needless to say, I was utterly humulatied( and I can't even spell that word right!)....Darnell gets paid on Thursday. We still have presents to buy. Every stinking year we try to plan so this crap doesn't happen. So, after that I was pretty much pissed off. I had plans to come home and work on some baking. I was a crab. I then decided I needed to fill my head w/ some Godly wisdom. I watched "God's House Orlando", my Cousin's Aaron and Meg's church down in Orlando on a webcast. it was very inspiring, very festive. It helped a lot. Then I saw a video on FB about how just like when a lion is hunting for prey, they can smell the fear, they can sense it. When they have the opportunity, they attack. Well the devil does the same w/ us. I was all flustered, my guard down, and feeling depressed and a whole bunch of other crap that is NOT of God. So.. I have to put this into perspective. I need to keep myself on guard, I need to strengthen my relationship w/ God so that when these petty things in life won't ruffle my feathers. Steve Hays, my first youth pastor always used to say, " Don't listen to your feelings, they will lie to you" or something to that effect. It's true. I act on my feelings way too much.
Lesson for the day...Trust God, Lean on Him. Let the rest Go!!!!!!

So Isaiah went to school today, Thank God!!! When I really think about it, we have a very comical, dramatic houseful of kids. I have this tall 14 year old son who is starting to get "whiskers" on his upper lip that you need a magnifying glass to see, he's all arms and legs, Darnell says he can probably scratch his knee caps without even bending over b/c his arms are so long! He's proud as all get out when he sweats and stinks later on.
Haley is a pre-teen. she will be 12 in a month. She is counting the months till she is an actual teenager. She is a very matter of fact kid. She calls it as she sees it(can't imagine where she gets that from?? lol) The other night when Jake, D's best friend picked him up, Haley just casually tells darnell that the mexican is here. LOL LOL LOL.. If you know Jake or Darnell for that matter, this is SOOO not a racial slam. Darnell and Jake have gone back and forth for YEARS throwing racial slurs at each other. Jake used to call D in the middle of the night and leave a voice mail simply saying " Hey D, you're Black" click. that's all. So obviously Haley has picked up on their easy going banter back and forth.
Savannah is a drama queen from the word GO! She walks around the house speaking in different accents( which oddly irriate the snot out of Isaiah).. she spits out these one liners that crack you up. and as funny as she is, the other day, she couldn't find a pair of jeans. You would SWEAR someone had died, the crocidile tears were flowing, the cry, cough, hiccup thing was going on... I tend to just ask her point blank, well did your jeans get up and just walk away? She responds"NO, hiccup, They were in my drawer"...cough...snot running down the cheek.. you get the idea. Oh Good Lord that girl. Then today when I picked her up from school I thought she was going to have a meltdown b/c I asked her why she is not wearing her headband thingy to cover her ears. That almost turned into the waterworks episode too. The girl is going to be in drama. If she does this all on her own, I can imagine how much she'd get paid to be a drama queen. Big bucks people, big bucks!
Isaiah... well he has turned into quite the comedian lately too. Because of the form of autism he has, well let's just say that if something is different in the house, he'll be the first to notice. He thrives on routine. 2 weeks ago when it was freezing out he got off the bus and I told him to just hop in the van so we could go get Haley from her bus stop. His walk has slowed to a snails pace, the head goes down...Ok so I bite" what's wrong Isaiah" .. after a little proding, he finally says, I always get a snack after school. I said you can have one, lets just run and get Haley. Point is, even something like that makes his head spin. a month or so ago I made pumpkin bread. He wanted it for breakfast. Well it was an ugly morning, everyone was running late, the bus came, he didn't get the pumpkin bread. First thing he says when he walks in the door, I didn't eat breakfast mom. In his mind, he meant he didn't eat pumpkin bread. He told anyone who'd listen that he didn't eat breakfast, even though it was now dinner time. That boy went to bed talking about that dang pumpkin bread. The next day he got a big 'ol piece of pumpkin bread before school. when Savannah plays video games, or any games she chews her tongue. We tell her one of these days she's really going to bite it hard.. well if she and Isaiah are playing against each other in a video game, if she wins, Isaiah blows up, saying" SHE'S CHEWING HER TONGUE!!! He thinks that is what is making her win. HAHAHAHAHA!!
THere is never a dull moment in our house. well that's all I got for today.

Sunday, December 19, 2010


So today we got a lot of shopping done! Buying Christmas presents for 4 kids sure is draining, but sooo much fun. Once I get going, I see so many things that I know each one of them would like. I have to really make sure to remember what the season is really about. Like any human being, any mom, I want to SHOWER my kids with gifts. I want to WOW them on Christmas morning. However, WOW-ing them is not what Christmas is about. With that being said, we get them a decent amount of gifts and remind them regularly what Christmas is really about.
I did not walk tonight. TOOO cold. I hung out w/ Ruth. I dropped the girls off to sleep over and then stayed for awhile and hung out w/ Ruth. Tomorrow I am going to be baking up a storm. And, we are going to Monument square to see the ice sculptures. They are really something! It's almost 1 a.m. and I am watching "Dexter" I've heard a lot of people talk about it, it's a little weird, but I'm just seeing what it's about. I am also doing laundry.
While shopping for Christmas presents I also started realizing the things the kids need, new snow boots, snow pants, socks, underwear, Tshirts, dress shoes/clothes.. never ending list! lol.. I am so thankful that we are able to provide for our kids. It's by God's faithfulness. We may not have every single thing all at once, but they have what they need. This year we have been blessed by many people in many different ways. There's no way I can repay all of those people, except to pray that God will bless them immensely for their willingness to reach out to us. I pray I can be that hand reaching out to someone else. Sounds cheezy, but's it's the truth. Well I am going to switch loads and hit the hay!

Friday, December 17, 2010

2 days in a row!!!!!!

Well 2 nights in a row I walked out on our block, right on the beach, well the sidewalk, but you know what I mean. Tonight it was 14 degrees w/ a windchill that made it feel like -2!! I was FREEZING! Last night I did 3 miles, tonight i did just about 3 miles. And for someone who HATES the cold, this is a TRUE testimony of just how BADLY I want to lose weight. I won't lie and say within the next 2 weeks I will eat the greatest. With the holidays, trying to be on a diet , well it's damn near impossible. It's like dangling a porter house steak in front of a lion. just plain wrong! So.. I will try and at least keep things at a minimum but will keep walking.
Tomorrow I will be baking and then going to my niece and nephew's bday party. Isaiah's belly is no longer rock solid, he's feeling much better. He just got over a melt down. tell me please, all of my followers, all 7 of you, lol, WHY or WHY do children listen to their father SOO much better than the mom. Yes, Yes, I know the whole, the mom is the primary care giver, blah blah blah.. but REALLY... this irriates me to to no end!!!!!! Darnell is an awesome dad, and If I don't say so myself, I think i'm a dang good mom. So.. if this boy doesn't start listening to me, I may go postal. That 's just fair warning.
I am getting in the baking mood. I already made up two batches of cut out cookie dough. I will make them tmrw and me and the kids will decorate them on Sunday. I love Christmas. I love how family gets together, traditions, baking, decorating.. buying gifts!!! We got a few things for the girls today, although it's getting harder to buy for them, there are things that are so fun to buy for girls their age! I love to cook and bake, which really doesn't help my plan to eating better! But it brings me a lot of happiness to cook and bake for people and have them enjoy seeing them like what I make. Hopefully when my kids are older, they will have great memories of me, baking from scratch, making yummy meals, making the house smell yummy. I love being a mom and a wife! So.. it's about that time, Shooting tomorrow for day 3 of walking!

Sunday, December 12, 2010


Well we had blizzard like conditions today. The lake looked amazing w/ the waves so big. It was COLD!! Darnell had to work. I stayed home. We were suposed to go to church, but I wasn't going out in that crap. So we all stayed in our PJ's all day. Me and the girls watched "Ramona & Beezus" the boys played video games...pretty chill day.
Isaiah had a huge episode yesterday. I actually was able to calm him down. It's so frustrating to watch him get so upset simply b/c he is not capable of communicating effectively. I see it clearly more and more. The minute we don't understand something he is trying to say, his frustration level shoots sky high so fast. If I ask him questions, it just makes it worse. It definately is a learning process. It really is like learning a whole new language. My friend Jen is going to help me put together social stories, so that Isaiah can point to situations, he needs to visually see things. Trying to explain stuff to him really just is like speaking spanish to him. He needs to see it. I want so much for him to feel like he is being understood. My 3 other kids are so good with him. some days they do get the brunt of Isaiah's attitude, which I guess happens in families w/ more than one kid anyway...however they handle it well. They are sensitive to him and forgiving. Something I am so thankful for. Jeremiah is 14 now, we had his party on Friday. My baby is growing up. I know mom's all say this, but really, my kids are the cream of the crop. I am proud to be their mom. I am blessed beyond measure.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Just another day

Today I woke up with a horrible migrane. Like shoot me in the head to put me out of my misery kind of headache. I took 5 ibuprofen, and drank a Monster java drink. That helped, I had to wear my sunglasses in the house for about an hour. lol. So I FINALLY called and had my NP fax a referral over to the headache clinic. I called Jeremiah's Dr for the same thing. He gets migranes too, so I figured it's time to get it taken care of for him as well. So after my headache subsided, I proceeded to organize Isaiah's closet, de-clutter the kitchen and dining room, pick Savannah up, put lights on the porch and in between all that I made chili. The caffeine did it's job. Then of course I crashed like speeding car on the freeway.
We dropped the van off to get fixed. Years ago this sort of thing would seriously have had me in a tizzy. I would stress and stress.. now it's just so mindless. I really believe it's an answer to prayer. The things that used to cause me such stress and anxiety, don't anymore. The big things of course do. But I think I am learning to not sweat the small stuff. Slowly.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

a lil bit of everything...

Yesterday my sweet boy turned 14!! People say ALL the time how fast the time goes, it is NO joke! Jeremiah is just about 5'8". He's an awesome kid. He still is loving and gentle, especially with his siblings( most of the time, lol) I couldn't have ever imagined a better son! It scares me to DEATH to think that in 4 1/2 years he will be off to college. However, right now I am choosing to live in the moment. I am not going to wish the years away.
Tonight I got caught up on laundry. You'd think being home all day, I'd have everything done by the evenings, however this is when I get my burst of energy. So I gotta do what I can when the energy hits me! Yesterday I made homemade pumpkin bread, chocolate chip cookies and mac-n-cheese from scratch in the crock pot. I was on FIRE!! haha...It feels good to cook for my family, make treats to send w/ Darnell to work.

I'm watching The Biggest Loser. I get SOOO inspired when I watch it. Last Tuesday I finally worked out to my BL DVD. Then Darnell rented the Wii game " Just Dance 2" for me.. OMG it is SOOOO fun. The kids love it, I love it and you burn a ton of calories. My mom might get it for me for Christmas. So as I am watching BL the thought occured to me (as I was hanging up clothes) that I need to take a pair of pants and use those as a measuring stick to keep track of the weight I want to lose. So.. we'll see how that works out. Obviously with Christmas being 2 1/2 weeks away, it's not the best time of year to try and lose weight. So, I'm not putting pressure on myself.
I absolutely Love Darnell. he is the most amazing husband and dad. this morning he woke Isaiah up and I hear him telling Zaya " Delisouso(from Dora the Explorer) and he was kissing his ears and tickling and all I can hear is Isaiah's giggling. How precious is that? The other day Isaiah fell asleep on my lap. That doesn't happen very often anymore and I do not take that for granted! Well I am about to fall asleep!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Home again!

Well I've been home almost a week. It was an amazing 10 day vacation! It felt SO weird to not have the responibilties of being a mom and wife. Before I left, I really wanted to know what it would feel like to just be ME. At first it was sweet. It was great to wake up when I wanted to, take a nap when I wanted to...In my whole adult life I have never had that experience. Well now I can say that I have AND I am glad to be a wife and mom. I don't want to be without my husband and kids for that long. I seriously think I needed to see the other side of the coin. Now I know I am completely content with what I have. Aaron and Meg were wonderful hosts! I had so much fun. At first when I was down there I thought "oh, I want to move down here!!" then by day 5 or 6 I decided No, I do NOT want to live down here!! haha It was of course freezing when I got home, but I honestly was fine w/ it. It was muggy in FL when I left. Then on the plane It was soo hot, the cool air felt great. The kids made me welcome home signs!!!! Darnell met me at the airport w/ roses and a bottle of my favorite wine. He missed me so much. I missed him more! It felt good to go and come home to a family that missed me. I am so thankful for a husband who saw I needed a break and gave me one. He honestly is one of a kind!!!
The last few days I have been feeling weird. I think it's just getting back in the swing of things. I guess I had the expectation that I would come home and feel like a brand new person. I do feel TONS better. But I realize that I have to manage my everyday life so that I don't let myself get so keyed up. Plus I am PMS'ing... so that alone says enough, hahahaha. Jeremiah will be 14 in 4 days. When people tell you it goes fast, it is no joke! How did I get a teenager that is taller than me. He's 5'8. I feel sort of displaced. so many of my friends have little little kids , or are just having babies. My kids are all in school. It's funny b/c 10 years ago I was feeling weird b/c I was the only w/ with kids and my friends were off doing their own thing. I apprreciate the ages that they are at. They are growing up into beautiful people. I am trying to savor every moment. My sweet first born is a young man. And a great one at that. Even when he does things that irritate me to no end, he still is a great kid.

Saturday, November 20, 2010


Yesterday we went to the beach. I have no idea which direction we went, however the beach is called Melbourne Beach. we ate at a restaurant sitting outside over looking the Atlantic Ocean. OMG!!! Ok to some, that may not be a big deal, but this Wisconsin Girl thought it was down right amazing. It makes me appreciate even more all that God has created. I get so stir crazy sometimes, like there's so much out there to see, but I can't see any of it. Well right now I am seeing some of it and I'm thrilled!!! The weather is perfect. I don't go home for a week, well technically 6 days. I miss everyone. I am still having a fabulous time. I really think, for me, this vacation was a complete God send. The night I had a HUGE meltdown and Darnell said, OK... time to send you away..hahah. .not really, not for forever.. but he knew I had hit my limit. So here I am. 10 days seems like a little long maybe to go away from my kids and husband, however after several years of soooo much junk happening, one thing after another, not much time to ever catch my breath, 10 was needed. I KNOW I am going home w/ a different mind set. One that I would not have been able to attain w/o a break. On so many levels, I needed this. As an adult, a 33 year old at that, I have never really done 1 single thing on my own, just as ME. Most of the time I am totally fine with that. I wouldn't want it any other way. But I think every mom/wife who started off young, needs this kind of experience to sort of see who you are, aside from a mom and a wife. I am appreciating what I have waiting for me when I get home. I am appreciating this time away. It's a good balance, a good way to be refreshed. And, really, on our budget, God made this happen. We don't have the kind of money for vacations. But God made this possible. Darnell worked his ass off so I could do this. My mom, my aunt, have willingingly pitched in to make this happen. Aaron and Meg have been wonderful, gracious hosts. I am loving being here. And it makes even that much better knowing what I am going home to. Of course I will piss and moan about winter, because of course I hate winter, but this year, I don't think it will be as bad. Christmas is right around the corner. God is GOOOOOD!!!!!
Darnell left me 8, yes 8 little love notes in my suitcase that I just discovered today. I didn't unpack everything so I found a couple then realized there were more. I couldn't stop smiling. I can't imagine my life w/o my love. Darnell, you are the love of my life. God picked you just for me. I used to rack my brain trying to figure out why. Well I think I know sorta why, b/c he knew you'd love me for ME. All my faults, all my junk, my starbucks addiction and all. I trust God and I no longer feel like I don't deserve you. God brought us together and who the heck am I to challenge that? I love you more than I could ever ever express. You truly are my best friend. I love you. good night!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I am in Florida! My flight was great! I LOVE flying!!! Yesterday and today we did NOTING! I have slept a lot. I feel like it's very restfull sleep. I can turn my ringer off and not worry about missing phone calls, I don't have to do anything.. I LOVE the palm trees! Meggie has all kinds of places for us to go,I can't wait!
Tonight, I was exposed to a WHOLE new world of wine and cheese! Now, I'm picky. But this cheese was awesome!!! I don't even think we can get some of it in WI, and we are the dairy state! Then add some chocolate.. pure bliss. And I didn't even have starbucks today, haven't had one since Tuesday at the crack of dawn at the airport! Meg and Aaron are awesome. They are wonderful parents, Coli-Bear is so precious. One of these nights I'm going to babysit for them so they can go out.
My kids seem to be doing well. Savannah had a meltdown last night I guess.. missing me. All of this is soo surreal. I don't have to make phone calls, I don't have to do anything...very weird! haha!!!!well I will update again prob in a few days, we are going to be going to some different places Meggie wants to take me to. I am blessed!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Just a few more hours!

I leave in a few hours!! Everything is done! All the laundry, packing, house is clean( thanks to my awesome hubby and kids) I made a crock pot meal that should last 2 days. I think I have all the bases covered. I have to get up sooo early so D can take me to the airport and get back to get the kids off to school. I am so very thankful for this vacation. The good Lord knows I need it! I am afraid to go to sleep because I don't want to oversleep! I already took a shower and have everything out that I'll need in the morning. I was starting to let my nervous/happy energy get to me... I was trying to renew my library books and either I completely have lost my mind and forgot the pin number or something is up w/ the system. So I spent a rediculous amount of time trying to figure that out. Well I didn't. So.. oh well. I think I over packed. But I'm organized and ready so I'd rather have stuff I don't need that forget something! I think I am still in shock that I am actually going. It's so surreal. I have literally been WHINING for months about needing a break.. a real vacation... I told Darnell I wanted to get on a plane and leave this well he made it happen. Well God made it happen, and used Darnell to get it going. My mom and Aunt Linda are helping w/ the kids when D's at work. That gives me a huge sigh of relief b/c I know they'll be fine. It will be interesting to see me being gone effects the kids. Sometimes I feel like they don't need me... but as I was getting stuff ready I realized how much I had to take care of, just little things that mom's do and remember. I am sure I will come home refreshed and relaxed and ready for the Christmas season! well I should try and sleep. haha.. I doubt it though!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

3 DAYS!!!!!!!!

3 days!!!!!! I can't wait!!! My first vacation in my adult life by myself. As a wife and a mom and having the stressful life we have, this is going to be quite exciting. While I cherish being a wife and mom, It will be kind of weird and nice to be just ME for just a little bit. I don't want to escape it, just a break from it. I've been a mom and a wife since I was 19. I wouldn't change it for anything. But every mom/wife needs a break. The last several years have been especially trying. It's seems to have all hit me harder in the last couple months. I have 2 books I probably should be reading about Isaiah's condition, but It's like I get stuck. I just can't pick up the book. I know it contains info that is going to be helpful, but it also validates the things Isaiah deals with and will continue to deal with. It's hard to read that. With Haley's bladder exstrophy at first I didn't want ANYTHING to do w/ research, support groups etc.. because I was SURE she would be the exception. She wouldn't need more surgeries after her first. Well obviously that didn't play out that way. And once I got over the shock I dove into finding everything out I could. Knowledge was power. THe more I knew about it, and what "could" happen, the better I felt. I felt equipped to handle it. There weren't as many unknown's. With Isaiah, there are sooo many unknown's. Just day to day I don't know what we will wake up to. Lately he's waking up in the middle of the night w/ night terrors again. and so with every book I read, more research I do, I find more stuff I need to know and stuff that scares the crap out of me. I know I have faith. But, I am human. these emotions don't go away. So I end up w/ anxiety about going to church, about doing things w/o Darnell b/c what if Isaiah has a rage? I know I can handle it, but I'm wore out. I've said to myself a HUNDRED times "MElISSA, SUCK IT UP!" well, obviously that didn't work. So all of what I just spewed out is the reason I am going to Florida. In September I had a major meltdown and that's when Darnell said, ok, time to send you on a break! So I'm not having a meltdown right now, probably b/c I know I'm leaving in 3 days. I know I'm not coming back to a changed environment, but I am praying that God will restore and refresh me. I know that being a parent of a child with special needs that I need to take a break for my own sanity. And for the rest of my family, lol...I look forward to coming back with a stronger sense of security, knowing I had a break and I'll be ready to be the mom and wife God wants me to be.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

a bit of perspective...

I have been inspired. I read a blog, a friend of a friend's blog. It's about weight loss. And I am in no way trying to mimic her blog, but I do want to share my own thoughts on the topic. I have before, remember the "elephant in the room?" Which of course is my weight. Well first of all, it just is not in my genes to be naturally thin. So we'll get that out of the way to begin with. So It's been 6 years since my gastric bypass surgery. Do I regret it? NO!! It gave me a whole new lease on life, it got me to a point where I was healthy and could envision myself in a state other than fat. So now that I have gained some weight, b/c of my surgery I know it's possible. I KNOW I can lose weight. HOWEVER.....I don't want to lose weight in vain. Of course what woman, especially one that has given birth to 4 kids, doesn't want to look great? That's all well and good. But my parents are both severe diabetics. I don't want to go down that road. I want my children to see me healthy. I want to go for walks and bike rides and all that stuff. I know I have it in me to be a working out machine, but I don't want to do it all just to be skinny. Skinny doesn't make you happy. It doesn't give you happiness. I mean really, I've never been skinny and yet I have the most amazing and HOT husband ever, I have beautiful wonderful children, I have amazing friends and a fabulous family. I don't have all that because of what I weigh. I have that because I am BLESSED!!! God blessed me. When I am old and gray I don't think or at least I hope my kids don't remeber me as the mom who was heavy, I want them to remember the mom who loved them. I carried them close to my heart for 9 months, and held them when they were/ are sick. We've danced and played and cuddled. My bat wing arms are NOT what I will be thinking of. It's all the other stuff. The good stuff. I will spend the rest of my years loving my family. The number on the scale is just that. A number. So...I am thankful I came across that blog. It put things in perspective. I also want to add, if my children learn ANYTHING from me, I want them to see people for who they are, not what's on the outside. I want to see them how God sees them. we all were created in his image.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Interesting Day

So.. we got pulled over today for our expired tags and no tail lights. Then the SHERIFF noticed that the tread on our tires is absolutely GONE. Normally when something like this my heart would have been beating and all that, this time, I was like, well.. ok. I am not thrilled that we got tickets, but if we get new tires we can go to court and they will work with us. We don't have money for new tires! I immediately started feeling guilty about going to Florida. Then a good friend remdined me that guilt is not from God. Whether we need new tires or whatever, I still need a break. There's always something going on. If I waited until everything was perfect and peaceful, well I'd never even leave the house. Plus it's not an expensive trip. So.. in the meantime I am praying that God will provide. He always has, always will.
I have the cold my kids had and feel crappy. Ahh..a day in the life...hahha
we went to Haley's first parent teacher conference. She's doing very well!!! The transition from elementary to middle school has gone well. I am relieved. Well that's all I got.

Monday, November 1, 2010

November 1st ALREADY

Can you believe it's November already? I can't. I am glad though. it's been quite a year. Just w/ moving it has been an eventfull year. It has turned out well though! I leave 2 weeks from tmrw for Florida. i am so excited I can barely stand it. I am still in awe that number 1, it was Darnell's idea, and that I am actually going! I have been going on and on for MONTHS about going somewhere, and not just driving an hour away, like actually getting on a PLANE and flying somewhere! I did not expect it would really happen! God is good. darnell has spoiled me sooo much. I no longer feel guilty for it. I tell him not to , he tells me to be quiet, lol. I just want to be as good of a wife as he is a husband. I know God will show me the time and place when I can do things for Darnell that will give show him how much I appreciate him.. He's not at all materialistic.. so it's hard to buy him things. Buying me a coffee can brighten my whole day, sad but true. So, I will do my best to be the best wife I can be.

3 out of 4 kids stayed home sick today. Isiaiah's the only one that went to school. And it's a good thing he did. He needs to get back in the routine. Yesterday afternoon was HORRID. He was raging, digging his finger nails into may arm... not fun. And it is incredibly hard to watch him go thru it b/c I know he doesn't have control. But God does. So I'll leave it at that.

Today I picked up a few books I had on hold at the library. I Love reading and especially in the winter.

Yesterday we went to the Priikin's for a halloween party. It was so much fun. We ate, drank a bit of wine, spit pumpkin seeds, the kids trick or treated, the adults sat around a was a blast!!!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

No Ordinary Life

It is clear that I do not and never will have an ordinary life. For quite some time I tried to fight this. However, I am tired of fighting it. God has put me on this path for a reason. Some times I feel, well honestly most times I feel very unequipped and like a failure. I realize that that is a lie from Satan. God knows what he's doing. He sees something in me, that maybe I don't see in myself yet. But I'm getting there. I often feel that people are looking at me and critizing me, judging me etc...When really I am doing my best. And God has blessed me beyond what I ever thought was possible. I HAVE to stop comparing my life, my circumstances to others. It not only drives me crazy but does not help me deal w/ what I have to deal with.. if that makes sense. I do have 2 children w/ disabilities. Haley's is not so apparent, yet it's there. It's something she will deal with her entire life. There was a time that our lives were consumed w/ bladder exstrophy. And that may or may not happen again. It s what it is. With Isaiah, it's a day to day. And I also have 2 children that have to watch their siblings deal with all this "stuff". So obviously, there are no signs of an ordinary life here. And that's ok. Our family is unique in many ways. And instead of fighting it,I am choosing to embrace it. Own it. Thru all of this, we have so many more blessings than not. It is truly amazing how God takes all that is meant for evil and turns it into good, to glorify him. I am surrounded by awesome friends and family. My precious babies..are everything to me. Darnell is amazing. He understands me, he loves me just as I am. He is perfect for me. God absolutely knew what he was doing when we got together, when we were only 16 and 17. Today I did NOT want to go to church. I fought it to the bitter end and then finally gave in. The sermon was exactly what I needed to hear. God is NOT done w/ me yet. It's not over till He says it's over. That gives me great hope. I don't feel like it's hopeless. So with all that being said, our daily lives will be different from most. We face different challenges, circumstances that can't be changed until God wants to change them. Until them I will run to God. I will bury myself in Him when I feel like i can't go on. I will let my children see me at my worst and at my best. I will let them see me run to God and be filled with hope and peace. I will let them see me find refuge in God. I also will let them see me find comfort in Darnell, in our families and friends. They will hopefully grow up seeing not only the differences we've faced but the where to run when it gets to be too much. So, our not so ordinary life is filled w/ challenges but filled with much more love and fun and blessings from God. I guess I wouldn't want it any other way.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Loving my family!!!

Well my fast didn't last...I set myself up for failure I think. I expect or want to do something perfect, and then when it doesn't happen, I come down hard on myself. So, I need to find balance. I did zumba 3 times this week. I love zumba! I want to lose this weight. However, I need to get in the right frame of mind to do it. I get all gung ho and then crash... something to work on.

All 3 of my guys are downstairs knocked out on the couch. It's so crazy sometimes to think of "my guys"...I love it! My sons are gorgeous. Just like their daddy! Darnell is such a great dad and husband. My girls are at a sleepover. it's so amazing to watch them grow into young little women. They are so precious. I am proud of them. They are good girls. I think I probably talk a lot about my kids on my blog, but really, they are my life. I need to cherish the moments that they are young and still want to be around me!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Day 2 & 3

Day 2 of my fast went well. I went to Razor Sharp Gym, they have a 1 week free membership. Today is day 3 and I have zumba tonight so I am contemplating whether or not I want to go to the gym too... we'll see. I don't want to over do it, however I want to get this weight off!!! My house is clean, I love it!!! The girls do the dishes, which is awesome b/c I HATE doing them. I am caught up w/ laundry. The only thing left is the bedding! Good feeling. It's like getting all A's on your report card. Not that I'm getting graded, but since all the kids are in school all day, I want to use my time wisely. So having a clean home makes me feel accomplished. And Darnell and I both feel that the kids need to keep up on their own chores, so that helps me even more.
I am so proud of my kids. They are good kids. The other day we dropped Savannah off at school and Jeremiah said 'Love you" before she got out of the van. we didn't tell him to, he just did. I LOVE that!!! Of course they don't always feel that loving towards each other, but they still are close. If I had one goal for my kids, it was that they would grow up loving each other. Some days, not so much, hahaha.. but that's normal. They know how to push each other's buttons. They also know how to push my buttons, but since I went postal on them a few weeks ago, they have been minding their p's and q's, hahaha. They saw the very very raw version of a mom in need of a break! Which I am only 21 days away from!!! It will be awesome! I need to get myself together.. I think I may go to the gym!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Fast and Zumba!!!!

Today I started a 5 day pouch test. It's for people who have had gastric bypass surgery. Basically, it helps you get back on track w/ the same eating habits you had after surgery. It works really well, especially when you have gained some weight back. Today, I only drank protein drinks and water. I don't feel hungry at all b/c my protein drinks are high in protein. ANd I drank a TON of water. I hope you keep this going for longer than 5 days, or at least a loose version of it after the 5 days. Day 1 was a success!
I also did 2 hrs of zumba tonight! It was great! I sweat my tail off, lol... I really like zumba and eventually would like to become an instructor. I am a ways off, but its something to think about. For starters, I need to learn the moves, master them and all that. Right now I am about as far away from that as I can get, lol... I LOVE to dance, so this is right up my alley. Learning how to dance, getting in a great workout...awesome! The only problem I have is I get headaches after I work out. I mke sure I am well hydrated and even take tylenol before hand. Definately need to get that figured out. Well I am off to sleep.. zumba wore me out!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Fun week!

This week was so much fun. I got to spend a lot of time w/ Meg and Coli-bear!! I can't wait to go to Florida and hang out w/ them and Aaron as well. I am still so much in awe that Darnell is sending me off to Florida for a whole week!! He keeps telling me to go, don't worry, relax.. What a guy!!!! It will be weird. As an adult I have never really gone anywhere just by myself. Well except for a missions trip to LA 7 years ago. I am soo excited!!!!!!!!!!!
Meg did my hair and it's AWESOME!!!! Isaiah said I look like a rock star!! It's amazing how much a new hair do can make you feel more confident. I went and got my protein shakes so I can start my 5 day fast on Monday. I did zumba 3 times this week. I am loving it! I hope I can keep going and find more classes to go to. It burns calories like no body's business and it's fun!
It's Friday night, Jeremiah is sleeping over at my sister in law's, and the other 3 are entertaining themselves in the girls' room. My kids are awesome. Last night I almost knockd Haley down the stairs because I was going down to change the laundry and she was coming up the stairs, only she was sleep walking!!! I had heard her talking to Savannah, lol... It's so dang funny. She never remembers a thing, If i hadn't stopped her she would have come barreling up the stairs..not sure where she would have gone once she made it up the stairs...good thing we have dead bolts on the doors!!

I feel like my thoughts are all over the place tonight! I am so excited about Florida, then not too long after that all the Holiday festivities begin! Then the new year, I am really hoping, rather praying, that Darnell and I can sneak away for some much needed time away. We'll see what happens. I am also looking forward to beginning my protein fast on monday and finding as much zumba I can do! I am feeling very motivated. Maybe it's my sassy new sexy hair do.. whatever it is, I am happy I have the motivation and excitement to start making better choices.
Well I am done for the night.. not much left to say!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Happy Anniversary!!

Today is Darnell and I's 14the wedding anniversary!! I can't believe how fast time flies. I remember when we had first started dating and we were talking about "someday" when we would be married and have kids...Now, here we are all these years later, 4 kids and still in love. We have had a lot of rough years. However, had we not gone thru all that we have, we probably would not be as strong of a couple as we are. I NEVER thought I would get married, when I was young that is. I did not think any man would be interested. God surprised me with this amazing man who just happens to be totally in love with me! And I am still very much in love with him. I am proud to be his wife, the mom to his kids. Darnell is an amazing husband. He thinks of the little things, spoils me way more than I deserve and when I tell him not to, he tells me to be quiet because he loves me. I'm telling you, our boys will definately know how to be good husbands and our daughters will have a high standard if they want to marry a man like their daddy! Darnell and I are best friends. He works long days and we text and talk a couple times a day. I can't imagine my life without him. God has been the glue that has held us together. I am so blessed to be married to my best friend. And, after 14 years I can honestly say I AM more in love with my husband now than when I married him. I am the one who has gotten to see him grow in the Lord, grow as a person, Father and husband. And I must say, he is quite the man. I look forward to many more years together. It's hasn't always been easy, but anything that is worth what we have, comes w/ a lot of work, a lot of prayer and dedication. God knew what he was doing. He knew I needed Darnell. I love you Darnell. to the Moon!!

Monday, October 11, 2010

I will NOT apologize!!!

Just random thoughts........

I will NOT apologize for who I am and what I believe. I will not be sorry that I am an emotional, sensitive woman. I am a mother and a wife. I will not apologize for the fact that I will do EVERYTHING I can to keep my kids innocent as long as possible. I do NOT believe and will not give into the saying and justification..Oh, kids are going to do "it" whatever the "it" might be.,anyways. I will not make exuses or hide the fact that I want my children to NOT be exposed to all the crap in this world. Am I in denial? NO.. but as long as they are under my roof and I am responsible for their well being, I take their spiritual well being just as serious. They don't HAVE to be exposed to everything, it's OK to say NO to what everyone else is doing. I will be that mom who says NO when I feel strongly to my very core that something one of my children will come up against is wrong for them. will they make their own choices? yes, I don't want to rule their life. I want to guide them. It's easy to be lazy and say oh nevermind it's not worth the fight. I will fight for my kids, I will fight to keep them innocent as long as possible w/o making them naive. They get one childhood. I get one shot as a mom...I make mistakes, I screw up. I am human. But at the end of the day, I will be able to say that as a mother, I didn't give up. I have 2 kids w/ disabilities, I will do EVERYTHING in my power to be their voice, their advocate. I will help make a way for them. I trust God completely and totally. He trusted ME to be the mom to these 4 awesome kids. I guess that's quite a mouth full. just feeling very strongly about how I raise my kids. And w/ every "I" that as typed should be replaced w/ "we".. Darnell feels the same way. I will no longer apologize for the emotional and pshychological issues I deal with It's the hand I have been dealt, some days are great, some aren't. I will do what I can. I work HARD at not comparing myself to other moms. I am me. No apologies, no exuses. Take me or leave me. I won't settle for 2nd best for my kids. I won't expose them to things that they don't need to be. so.. I'll step down from my soap box....

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Nice Saturday

We went to D's cousin's house for a house warming party. They had a pig roast. so I like pork and ham just as much as the next guy, but it creeps me out just a little bit to see the pigs entire body, including the body being carved open. It's kinda gross. But I did try some and it was good. Then we went to my mom's for a bonfire. The kids were playing ghost in the Graveyard...They will have such wonderful memories. Savannah got stung by a bee that must have been in the grass.. an hour later she was still crying.. Oh my .. that girl is really going to give some man a run for his money some day! She takes after her momma!!!!!! LOL
I pulled something in my lower back again. It hurts like it did when we moved. Not as bad, but same place,same type of pain. I don't have time for that crap. I was working on the basement last night and must have over did it. I am learning the hard way that for whatever reason, if I do a lot of bending and picking things up, it causes my lower back to hurt. Not sure why, but it does...Anyways I got a lot done and cleaned up some stuff I've been wanting to do. I have a few bags of junk to go in the garbage and a whole lot of stuff to donate. How we always seem to be giving stuff away and still have so much stuff is a mystery. well I need to go to bed.. church in the morning! it was was a beautiful fall day and tomorrow it's suppose to be 82 degrees!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Good week

What a week!! Monday and Tuesday I spent most of the days taking care of some bills... way stressful. Thankfully it all worked out. Isaiah had a rough week. He was a loose cannon for 3 days! It's literally like watching someone flip a switch. Thankfully, this week I DID NOT go into the usual funk I go into when he gets like that. A great step in the right direction. I also think the fact that I am going to FLORIDA in 34 days helps A LOT!!! I feel some guilt about going, especially for a whole week. HOWEVER.. if I have learned anything in the past few years, If I don't take care of myself, I will not be in the right frame of mind to do what I need to do for my family. Plus Darnell is the one who suggested I go visit Aaron and Meg! I will stay with them so I do not have to rent a car or stay at a hotel. Plus I get to hang out w/ them and the baby. I'm leaving on Wed Nov 10th and coming back the following Wednesday! I can hardly believe it! I have been going on and on for MONTHS about needing to get away. I absolutely DID NOT think it would happen. God makes a way.. even for a stressed out momma!!! lol...

Darnell will be working over time this month.. we have to get some stuff on the van fixed. I am at peace. I feel very excited to even say that. It's been a LONG time. slowly but surely things are getting better. My children are happy and healthy. Darnell has a decent job and loves and provides for our family. Who could ask for more?
I love fall. The colors are gorgeous, the smells, the leaves.. it's all so beautiful! The only thing I do not like is that winter is right around the corner... yuck. I am going to try and be positive though. I have to deal w/ it regardless so I mines as well make the best of it. I say that now.. we'll see what i'm saying in Jan or Feb!!

well I will have more important things to blog about another day, lol..

Monday, October 4, 2010

catch up!

I spent the morning taking care of am feeling MUCHO better compared to the last time I blogged. I am really doing my best to stop letting circumstances get my panties in a bunch over everything!

It has occured to me that the time I have spent missing my kids being little I could be using that time to enjoy where they are at right now. They are beautiful kids. They were beautiful babies and now they are gorgeous kids. They are good kids.

Last week I spent most of my time painting the spindles on our porches. UGH!! my hand was on fire!! Then on thursday I fell down the dang stairs and bruised my ribs..I may only be 33 but I can feel that I definately am not 23 anymore, haha...Because when I hit the bottom of the stairs I felt it!
Well I am done for the

Friday, September 24, 2010

The Elephant in the room....

So...the elephant in MY room as of late is..drum roll..... the weight I have gained. Maybe not important to some, but to me, it is a sign of going in the wrong direction. I had gastric bypass 6 years ago. I have gained about 40lbs since I was at my lowest. And even when i was at my lowest, I never EVER got down to be "skinny".. I did not have the surgery to look like a barbie doll. I mean really, I have had 4 kids... I will not look like a model or whatever unless I undergo a major overhaul and the overhaul is hauling all this extra skin off my bod. so... I wasn't nor am I looking to be that skinny chick. I'm ok with that. I am NOT ok w/ gaining weight. At one point, I FELT like the exercise QUEEN.. I really felt like my own version of a rock star, hehe...Well that has gotten put on the back burner that is no longer even on the stove! So that means the weight has slowly crept back on. Yuck. The exercise part requires energy. I do have 2 valid reasons my exercise has suffered to some extent, not entirely. 1, I had an extremely low iron level...almost dangerously low. To the point I had so little energy that I just could barely function, let alone exercise. My 2nd thing... depression. People say well exercise helps you not be depressed. Well tell me this oh wise one.. how the heck can you muster up the energy to exercise when you are so depressed you can't even take a shower w/o being worn out? It's an oxy moron. depression makes you not want to do anything, exercise gives you energy.. it's just hard to get that jump start. And, I have totally gone off my eating habits that I should be following according to my post gastric bypass diet. So do I have a plan of attack? no, not yet. I do have one thing I need to work on, not hating myself so much that I can't get past that to actually do something good for myself. Doing the work to be skinny isn't the right motive. I want to be healthy. All of that being said, I still need to work on how I see myself, figure things out in my head and hopefully get somewhere. I can't afford to buy new clothes so I better figure it out quick. ha.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Raising Kids

This time 16 years ago Darnell and I were just beginning our life togehter. However, I was an extremely insecure 17 year old girl and he was so laid back it made me sick,lol. We fought A LOT... just ask our friends. However thru the years I have been told by a good friend that we for sure did not lack passion. We fought passionately but we loved each other even more passionately. Sort of like the saying work hard play hard. 14 years ago at this time I was 6 1/2 months pregnant and planning our wedding!!! D told me from the VERY beginning that he wanted to wake up to my beautiful face every day. Boy he didn't know what he was really asking for, haha. Now our kids are little protege's of me sometimes, haha. Now that we have children, all out of the baby/ toddler stage life takes on a different meaning. What happens now will shape who they become to some extent. And as the years have passed so quickly I realize that we only get one shot at this. It's not something you can take lightly. What we do, say, believe directly affects our kids upbringing. We have the power to shape their childhood years. I want them to have good memories. I want them to Love God, love others. I want them to stay close when they get older. No offense to my mom's side of the family, but unfortunately she and her 4 siblings had a rough life and now I belive their relationships suffer because of it. It's a shame. I want my kids to stay close, to have the mentatlity that no matter WHAT. I think because of Haley's surgeries, Isaiah's disablilty, they will stay close. Tragedy, illness stuff like can really bond a family. what it all boils down to is that I love my kids to the ends of the earth. I want the best for them in their life. I want the choices D and I make now to be the right ones for them. I don't expect perfection at all....just to know that we did our best for them. When we first got pregnant w/ Jeremiah, it was rough. We weren't married.. you get the idea.. to a lot of people that is very common and normal. well it wasn't for me. I'm not in any way judging anyone else, I just was young and brought up to wait till I got married. well obviously that didn't happen and then I was pregnant. Well.. all these years later, I look at Jeremiah and see what a great kid he is. when I feel like being a bad ass I want to say to all those that were so negative about us getting married etc..nananananana... he's the best thing that ever happened to us. However, it is by the grace of God. he made it possible for Darnell and I to make it thru all the trials...I never imagined we'd have 2 kids w/ disabilities, one physical one mental. I wonder what God is thinking?? haha.. He sees something in us, I may not see it, but he trusts us w/ these kids. I heard a quote that said something to the effect of God picks those that are willing not necessarily qualified. I don't or have ever felt qualified to handle all this. But, I did say to the Lord a very long time ago that I was willing to go the distance, to handle what God sent our way! Well he sent it alright! I am proud of my kids. I am proud to be their mom. God will make me qualified as I go. Good thing, lol!!!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Beginning....

We met in the summer of 1994. It was the summer before my senior year. I saw him for the first time wearing a blue dress. Yes that is right, a blue dress. And then he got a pie in the face, I think. We were at youth group. Afterwards, he played basketball and I hung out w/ my friends desperately wondering who this tall, black kid was that came w/ our friend Ryan. Well Ryan ended up giving me a ride home, he had his mom's mini van. We were so cool, haha... This guy rode w/ us. I ended up riding next to him. Yes, he was SWEATY!!!! He put his arm around me. I thought I was going to die. This was my first experience with a guy getting this close to me. We flirted, he teased me that I was his "pretend girlfriend"...That was just the beginning. Little did I know that I would one day become his wife, the mother of his children. We have children that look a little like me a lot like him...There is something to be said for looking at the love of your life and then looking at your children and seeing yourself and him in your kids. You see facial expressions, a look that stops you in your tracks! I am sure that the day I saw him, I never imagined in my wildest dreams that he'd pick me. I had hoped he just liked me, much to my amazement he fell in love with me and I with him!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

feeling crappy....

This medication change SUCKS!! I can't sleep for crap, when I do, I'm having the craziest dreams/nighmares I ever had.. i wake up every 2 hrs at least. I'm dizzy and I feel like I'm pregnant, no I'm not really, but my emotions are all over the place. This sux. yes I am whining and complaining. Plus Isaiah is sooooo backed up, his belly was hard as a rock. I will spare everyone the gorey details..let's just say he's miserable. I'm not feeling too hot myself...This last week really bit the big one. I am probably being a big dramatic.. oh well. I have 7 followers of my blog. I have had this pipe dream that I will have lots and lots of followers, but I guess I am not that interesting, LOL....Well I am going to chill w/ Isaiah. My poor boy has had better days..

Thursday, September 16, 2010


Every September brings with it earlier sunsets, brisk weather, changing leaves. Every year it brings the smell of fall, that crisp scent of leaves falling from the trees. The whistle of the winds blowing, leaves falling to the ground. I remember as a young girl walking home from school seeing the most amazing leaves, the colors were each so distinct. The crunch you would hear as you walked, the later it got in the fall. Every fall also brought with it new memories. As I got older it brought memories of walking home from school feeling refreshed from the gorgeous weather, falling asleep with the window cracked open. As I got a little older and met my husband, fall meant something new all together. FOOTBALL!! Although after over 16 years together and I still do not know one more thing about football than i did then, I do know what football does. It brings people together. People band together to watch their favorite team, good food cooks, kids play football in the fallen leaves. Sunday afternoons consist of chili and football. The kids come in smelling of that wonderful smell of fall. I remember that smell so well from my own childhood, now it comes rushing back to me as my children tumble in the house after a long day of playing outside. In our home at this time of year, candles are being lit, the house smells of cinnamon. Soon it will hold the smell of apple pie that I will make after we make our annual trip to Apple Holler. The kids will pick tons of apples, every apple being perfect in their eyes. Or the occassional apple that was once home to a worm.

This time of year is cozy, for lack of a better word. Good movies playing on TV when a football game is not on. Crock pots filled with homemade chicken noodle soup that smell like heaven. Fall is here. The colors of the season will be breath taking just as they are every year. The birds will slowly find their way to their cozy home for the cold season that is coming. The trees will soon be barren of the once vibrant green leaves that will surely return in Spring. All of the changes remind me of how God has his hand on every aspect of nature. Also that he has his hand on every change that takes place in my life as every year brings new changes and challenges with it.


I went to the Dr today. I was officially diagnosed w/ manic depression. Big shocker hey? LOL... She is giving me a different meds, well actually changing up my meds. Hopefully I will start to feel better. I HATE feeling the way I do. I also hate the Isaiah has the same issues. depression, bipolar, it all goes together. It breaks my heart that he is already experiencing anxiety and all that crap. He is doing well in school though. Far better than I thought he would. I'm so proud of him.

Let me just say, Darnell is awesome. While I'm dealing w/ all this emotional junk he has been such an awesome help. He doesn't give me a hard time, he does so much around the house. He's an awesome husband.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Lately I have been feeling extremely anxious. I have known for years that I have anxiety/panic issues. Which is the reason I have been on medication for it. Well I changed meds in July and man, it is making me feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything...I want to stay home and that's it. I hate feeling like this. when I know Ihave to go somewhere, I start feeling anxious days before. Add in some PMS last week and that is a recipe for one emotional/ basket case of a woman. I did start going thru a bunch of junk, shredding tons of old paper that was taking up so much space. But I'll get started on something and then don't have the energy to finish. I did go for a about a mile and a half walk on Monday, then yesterday my friend called me up to go for a walk, I thought we walked 4 miles but it was actually 3. Not bad. I have not gone for a walk today. I go to the Dr tomorrow to get this medication situation under control.
Isaiah brought home a spelling list. He had to practice the words. I immediately paniced b/c I didn't think he could do it. Well I will not underestimate my son again! He did really well!! He's really doing well. Yesterday he got into a bit of trouble for talking to his friend, this friend whom he can't remember his name, lol, and he wasn't following directions, he was giggling. At least he's feeling comfortable. I am getting concerned about his bowel issues. He holds it in, and his belly is so distended that his inny belly button is starting to become an outty. May have to call the Dr tomorrow. Never a dull moment!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Unproductive weekend!

Today I did nothing productive. not one thing. I am just not sure where my head is at. I feel so blah. I have blogged about my depression issues etc.. so I won't go over all that again, but this last week, I just have no energy, no motivation. I honestly just want to lay around and do nothing. And eat, haha. That's maybe part of it. I have been eating crap and that is not helping I am sure. I saw my counselor last week and he advised me that at night, I need to not make a mental list of all I want to do the next day. Because when I do, it gets my mind going, I get psyched up about who knows what, then the next day I don't have the same motivation and I end up berating myself for not doing stuff. vicious circle. So.. I am working on that. I have said so so so many times that I need a vacation. I literally NEED one. I need a change of pace, scenery, somewhere to clear my head, get myself straight. It will certainly be a miracle if I do get a vacation. When I say vacation, I mean I want to get on a plane and go off somewhere tropical, warm, beautiful beach, awesome hotel...this is a big ol dream of course, but if you are going to dream , dream big! Next month is our 14th wedding anniversary. We didn't have a honeymoon. I would so love to go on a real honeymoon. Stay in the honeymoon suite, lol.. .anyways.. a girl can dream! I am praying that this week I can get myself together, get some stuff done.. etc...

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I called in sick

I called in sick technically I "texted" in sick, to my husband who is off today! Basically to establish that today, I am off limits from doing any motherly or household duties! I did make a few phone calls for appts for the kids..but I couldn't ignore that. Last night I had ANOTHER migraine. I took exedrin PM and it worked. still waiting to hear about my referral to the headache clinic.

So what does a stay at home mom do on a day off? Well, ideally one would think she would go shopping or go for a walk etc.. I however have not or never will do what "most" people do. I am in my room, on my laptop watching re-runs of "House" To me, today that is how I feel like spending my day off. later I will take a nap. So, I have been thinking. shocker I know..I have Darnell built up on this big pedestal. partially because I am crazy in love with him(big part of me!) and also because he is fanatisitc w/ our kids, w/ ministry at church. He's funny, witty, easy going. He was one of the "cool" guys at school. I was sorta the wallflower. I had a tight knit group of friends. I actually have an awesome group of friends, ladies that have been with me when I went thru tons of crap. My mom always says she thinks it's awesome that I have so many great friends. I am blessed. So me, being who I am, and Darnell being who he is, the odds of us getting together didn't seem real when we first started dating. Now, next month is our 14th wedding anniversary.

*Warning~this may be a long blog today~

Jeremiah, age 13, 8th grader.

He is our oldest. He is taller than me, and frequently finds it insanely hilarious to point it out to him. HA! However, he is a mama's boy to some extent. he never goes to bed w/o saying good night and I love you. He looks out for his siblings. He used to carry Haley home from the bus stop when she had bladder spasms. He's that kind of kid. He's loving, compassionate, and a blessing to me. He is a family oriented kid. Watching Darnell and him wrestle is so much fun. He is MY boy, and always will be!

Haley, age 11, 6th grader~

Haley is beautiful. Drop dead gorgeous. And has NO idea that she is. She is sort of a tomboy, however a tomboy that won't leave the house w/o her earings, her legs lotioned up so she's not ashy and her hair neatly combed into a pony tail. She is a straight A student. she does it pretty much w/ very little effort. She had to have gotten that from her dad. Definately NOT me, haha...she can be quiet and shy. When she's in her goofy mood, she really lets loose. She values things being in order, clean and neat. she is a huge help to me. I look at her and it takes my breath away.

Savannah, age 10, 5th grader~

Savannah "banna" is our huge goof ball. Seriously, she cracks us up and more importantly cracks herself up!!!! She is a very out going, friendly, kid. She is a lot like Darnell. and OMG is she a daddy's girl. I mean, the sun rises and sets on HIM!! Which I think is fabulous! She also is our drama queen. she can be so happy go lucky, but when her panties get in a bunch, literally and metaphorically, EVERYONE knows it! She has a stare that will burn a hole thru you( much like Haley does) and crocidile tears that sometimes either make you laugh or cry with her, haha.She is extremely creative, and as she gets older I am seeing more and more her talents for taking pictures, using the video player on my camera.. she has quite the personality. I am excited to see where life takes her.

Isaiah, age 7, 1st grader~

Isaiah is a mystery sometimes. But he is a cuddle bug, he has a smile that lights up a room. His giggle, OMG is soo dang cute. His best friends are his siblings. And of course his cousins Tamiah, Amara and Trenton. He adores them. He loves anything w/ a remote control. Not tv controls, but cars, trucks, etc.. He loves to swim. He would swim in the lake, that is freezing cold, his whole body could be purple and he'd swim until it got dark. He's my baby. he still loves to cuddle, he loves his "woobie" You know the woobie like the little kid had on" Mr Mom"? he sleeps with it, chews on it. His sense of humor is emerging every day and it's so cool to see.

My kids are my world. Although a lot of the time I find myself getting way too caught up in the duties of motherhood, rather than spending more quality time w/ them. I am fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom. There are many reasons that I am. The most important being, well it's tied for the most important reason, first of all with 4 kids, I want to be here when they get home, I want to know what's going on etc...the 2nd reason is w/ Isaiah's disablitiy, I have to be home. So I am so happy I can be home. I look back at old pictures and MAN do I miss the days when they were babies. Well most of the time. haha.. I do however realize if I spend too much time missing what used to be, I will miss what is happenig now.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

this and that...

Well it feels like fall is here. yesterday the wind was totally outrageous! Tonight I am home alone. Darnell is at work, the kids are all at church. Lately I've been feeling, emotional. Not quite sure over what...I feel depressed..but then other times I feel so hopeful about things. I wish I could get my emotions under control, that or have a good cry and get it over with already....The kids are back in school and having more free time is great. I do however need to learn to use the time wisely. If I could I would lay in bed ALLLL day and night and veg out. I do too much of that as it is. I just don't have the energy or desire to do much. I am baking and cooking more. That's good. However I still feel full of anxiety. I am tired of having headaches, yesterday I did a bunch of yard work and so today my lower back is killing me. Im only 33, it's ridiculous that after a little bit of yard work, my body feels like went thru the ringer. blah blah blah....
I can't believe how fast the summer went. It actually was one of the better summers we have had in a very long time!

It's a few hours later, I now have a migraine. damn it!!! I called the headache clinic last week and am waiting for a referral. I also made an appt for Jeremiah w/ the dr for his headaches. i don't know if he can go to the headache clinic too, but he gets horrid headaches too, he has since he was little. So since I can't move w/o my head pounding, I've been laying in bed watching house for hours...I still have laundry that needs to be folded and put away( huge pet peeve when it's just sitting in a basket) tons of laundry to be done, and I had started cleaning the dining room and had to stop. I realize I sound crabby and negative.. you'll have to exuse my pissy mood. My awesome hubby stopped and got me some 7up, exedrin PM and red vine. should be good to go for the rest of the night...

Sunday, September 5, 2010

labor day weekend!

Yesterday I my 2 older half brothers and their families. something I never imagined would happen. Not like I was avoiding it but I wasn't looking for it at first either! It's very exciting to see them, see the resemblemances between our kids..Very exciting!
Today my dad was going to come and visit, but his blood sugar was sky high. when that happens, he pretty much is bed bound..I looked up his type of diabetes and it's very unpredictable, and his blood sugar levels can spike just from stress etc.. I of course am not mad, just disappointed. However I realize when it's not something he can control. So.. hopefully next time. Darnell was off today, he went to church this morning w/ the kids. we had a relaxing day, took a nap.. chilled out. My body is killing me. Last night I made an attempt to make my cinnamon rolls, the dough was tough so I had to knead it and I think that pulled some weird-o muscles in my neck and arms..
This Tuesday, when the kids go to school and D goes to work, it will be my first day on my own since school started. I am really praying that I can have the energy to get things done. It's so dang easy to do NOTHING. Then I try to pump myself full of caffeine so I will have the energy to get stuff done, that doesn't always work and then the caffeine crash... welll it's all over after that. Honestly, as I learn more about depression and anxiety, I'm thinking maybe I should be the dang poster girl for it!! haha.. not really. All I have to say, is, and I've said it before, if you can not wrap your mind around depression/anxiety issues, and just don't get it, please don't judge. There are days that i look outside, see the beautiful lake and think, wow, I should go for a walk.. do I do it? well no...It's like I just can't make myself do it. I am seeing a counselor so hopefully some of these issues will get resolved. Especially before winter..winter is the hardest season for me. Let me end by saying, I have a fabulous husband, who is completely understanding, loving, and supportive. My kids are healthy, fun, happy.. a lot of things are looking up for us. So I may express a lot of concern about all the yucky stuff, or whine about it rather, lol, but for the record, the good DEFINATELY out weighs the bad in my life. with that being said.. good night!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Good day!

Today Darnell bought me an Iphone 4!! I'm so excited!!! Of course it's not a necessity, but he worked like a mad man the last 2 weeks, we paid our bills, God blessed us and so Darnell spoiled me a little bit! He's awesome! Tomorrow evening we are getting together w/ my brother Kevin and his family and my brother Dave and his family. I am really excited. This is something I never ever dreamed would happen. They are my half brothers on my dads side. I realize this is all new to all of us, I don't have any major expections, just to meet them, connect, meet my nieces and nephews.. it's a good start. Then on sunday my dad and Pam will be here. We are going to bbq... i have been corrected by my dad, it's not called "cooking out" it's called are really improving finanially. we still have a ways to go and bills that need to get paid. But I know God will provide. Isaiah has done well the first 3 days of school. That is a huge accomplishment.
The weather is sooo cool. Feels like fall. But it's supposed to get back up into the 80's on Monday. which is fine, Im not quiet ready for fall. but having a break from the humidity is very nice.
We are currently praying for a job for Darnell that will allow him to be able to go to church. I personally HATE change, especially job changes. however, He wants to be involved w/ youth group, especially now that Jeremiah and Haley are both in youth group. I know God has a plan, and w/ so many out of work, I am even more thankful that He has a decent job at all. God knows what he's doing. So.. we are praying.., but ultimately i want God's will for us. He's brought us a LONG way. I have no doubt that he has us where we are in this season for a reason. I'm learning, as hard as it is, that I don't always have to have all the answers. I just need to trust.
I plan on baking some stuff this weekend. We are cooking out at my mom's on sunday. That will be fun. The kids LOVE going over there.. and I swear she loves having them more than anything. She was meant to be a grandma! she has taught Jeremiah and the girls so much about gardening and yard stuff... they all appreciate flowers and nature so much. Every year, still, in the spring as soon as Jeremiah sees the first Robin he calls my mom to tell her. I am so thankful for the relationship she has w/ them. They are building great memories. Well I need to go play w/ my new phone, hehehe...

Thursday, September 2, 2010

School has started!!!

I talked to my dad on the phone 3 times today. so cool! This weekend, I just may meet 2 of my half brothers. It's all so amazing. It's new and exciting and a little bit scary, lol...Darnell's been off most of the week and he's off till next Tuesday. I sorta had a meltdown on Monday. Isaiah was just too much for me. I just couldn't handle anymore. So thankfully Darnell came home. School started yesterday!! The night before school started I had probably one of the WORST nights ever ever ever!!! My head hurt so bad that I wanted to just die. I was dreaming about my head hurting, I kept waking up... horrible. So, yesterday I called my Nurse Praticioner to get a referral for the headache clinic. Then last night I went to a counseling appointment. I need to start making a list of what I need to get done, and at night letting it be, not going over and over things in my head. I also need to stop putting so many expectations on myself. Easier said than done.
Everyone had a great day at school. Isaiah got on the bus and has now completed 2 full days of school. good start to a great year!
Funny story... yesterday, the house smelled. Now I am not a Merry maid and have a pristine house, but we aren't yucky slobs either. So I could not figure out what smelled so awful. So at like 6:30 this morning Darnell was smelling behind the fridge( where our mouse zapper is) and Darnell says " For the mouse house, when does the light go on? I said, it blinks if there is a dead mouse in there"... he says well it was blinking like 3 or 4 days ago!!! Well we found where the smell was coming from! So GROSS!!!! At least I got the mouse out and the smell. Now I need to put the mouse house back just in case there are anymore of that dead mouses friends. so gross.
So I am drooling over the iphone 4. I want one bad. I also want the Ipad. I guess I could go on and on, however today I am very thankful that we are able to pay our rent, buy groceries etc..

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

First day of school!!!

Well FINALLY the first day of school came. Unfortunately I was soo sick this morning, I didnt get to see the kids off, Darnell did. But they all had a great day. Haley started middle school... whoa..Isaiah rode the bus! whoo-hoo! Unfortnuately I had a horrible night from Hell last night.. I had the worst headache I called today to get a referral to the headache clinic. It was horrible.

This weekend my dad is coming to visit, and my brother Kevin and his family are coming from seattle. so... we are planning on getting together w/ my brothers and their families and then handing out w/ my dad and Pam on sunday afternoon. It all feels so surreal sometimes!
Well I would type more, but i'm falling asleep! good night!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

And so it begins!

Tomorrow is the big day! Jeremiah's last year of middle school, Haley's first day, Savannah's last year of elementary and Isaiah's first full day in first grade! A lot of milestones! We have been extremely blessed by our mom's helping us out w/ school supplies etc... then we got 2 checks in the mail I wasn't counting on getting so we were able to get a few last minute things and got some good deals! Today I spoke w/ Isaiah's teacher to give her a head's up on his situation, then I talked w/ the nurse at the Real school for Haley and cathing. I REALLY have taken for granted the last 6 years for her to be able to go to the nurse, cath and that's that. Now that she's older and at a different school it's not quite as easy for her to cath privately..there isn't a nurse's office w/ a private bathroom for her to go and take care of things. However she has an uncanny abiblity to really adjust well. The only thing that rattled her was the thought of walking home from the bus stop alone. We assured her she won't have to walk home alone. It's funn b/c when you're kids get older and you think they need you less, in reality, they really still need you. It makes me think of kids that have parents that don't soothe their kids, aren't there to make them feel better. I am happy my kids are able to come to us and tell us how they feel.
I have been in a weird spot lately. Isaiah's behavior over the last few weeks have taken it's toll on me. I have an appt. wednesday evening w/ my cousnelor. I so so so need to get myself together. I feel like one minute I feel on top of the world, the next the world is crashing down around me,...Ido however think w/ the kids getting back into school will help and get things a little more on schedule! I am givng the whole situation w/ Isaiah to God. I am prayng that his experiences are good, his anxiety is low..
My dad will be here this weekend! And w/in the next week or so we'll prob be getting together w/ my brothers and their families. Still kind of in shock w/ all that. I hope we can all bond(sounds cheezy I know).. but how often does a person get the chance to connect w/ siblings you never knew? Now days, w/ the economy being in the toilet, people losing jobs, homes, etc.. family is what it is all about. Thankfully the our families are awesome, we are definately blessed by them. so it's all in God's hands.

I am going to start training for a triathalon. It's not for a whole year, but that gives me plenty of time to lose some weight, get in shape, etc.. it also gives me someting to work towards. With the kids being in school I am HOPING to get into a routine of working out.. we'll see...

2 Days!

2 more days till the kids go back to school! Just a little bit excited! Although I don’t think it has completely hit me that Haley is starting middle school. WOW!!
So it’s been on my mind about a woman’s body image. We all struggle with it. And if you don’t, you are probably lying. Ha! I have lost a lot of weight due to gastric bypass, but have put on about 40 lbs. Not good. It really does a number on your mind..and emotions. So what it boils down to and I’ll be the first to admit it is that you start comparing yourself to other women. Again, if you don’t do that, either you are extremely secure in yourself, or you are a bold face liar. Just saying….
Yesterday Julie took GOREOUS pics of us. I wanted some good ones of Darnell and I. Of course they turned out beautiful but I did catch myself many times critiquing(sp?) myself. When REALLY these pictures are a forever momento for us, our kids, our family for generations, God willing. No one is going to be obsessing about the things I am.. Or if they are they do not know the real meaning of family, haha…I put myself thru such a roller coaster emotionally, one day being all hyped up about zumba, eating right, drinking tons of water..etc.. then I have other days where I could care less. I really need to find a happy medium. Again I have a goal.. Once the kids are back in school I want to get into a routine. I don’t want to waste my time or my days. So I am going to post a few pics Julie took…totally beautiful!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

what a day!

It's 2:37 a.m. Why am I still up? well because I spent almost 7 hrs going to and from children's hospital w/ Haley. here's the short version.. she went to church sunday evening to play dodgeball, she didn't fall, get hit,NOTHING, but came home saying her hip hurt. Now, because of her surgeries to repair her pelvic and hip bones when she was younger, I am always cautious about any kind of pain she has. we waited it out a couple of days, iced it, kept her off of it a bit, but it was getting worse. So today I decided I better bring her in to get it checked. And of course I can't bring her to the hospital here in Racine. With her extensive and unique medical history, they would have almost no idea how to deal w/ her or misdiagnose her. I was going to wait until the mornign, then I figured I mine as well bring her in. It's amazing how God gives you those motherly instincts. In January when we brought her in for pain in almost the same spot they didn't find anyting except, for lack of a better more medical explaniation, a funny spot on her hip bone. It's the same spot now that is bugging her. You can see it on the xray and when they examined her that's where the pain is. Normally that shouldn't cause a problem, but we have learned that it seems our family is always the exception, not the rule, lol.. so if the pain doesn't subside after staying off of it and tylenol we may need to bring her to the orthopedic surgeon who did her original surgery for an MRI. However, for tonight, she is home safe and sound sleeping peacefully. When we were in the ER, one of the nurses that took care of her when she was 2 was her nurse tonight. She spent SOOOO much time up there from 2001-2002, we had a few nurses that were practically like family. They made the time there bearable. They made it easier for Darnell and I to go back and forth, they absolutely LOVED Haley. they would fight over who was going to be her nurse. And who wouldnt'? lol.. So.. my feathers are not too ruffled, I'm tired but feeling good for the most part.
Today, well technically yesterday the 25th was Savannah's 10th bday. WOW... my baby girl is in double digits. she is an amazing kid. she entertains herself, she is SOOO thoughtful, so easy going, and she's a riot. the family comedian! She is the biggest daddy's girl I have ever seen. she is just crazy for Darnell. it's precious. I am so thankful that our kids have a daddy that they love, that is a good example, he takes an active interest in them, and it's not out of obligation, he geniuenly (sp?) wants to know how their days go etc...Our girls will hopefully find a man who is like him, he treats me like a princess, so hopefully they will see that that is how you treat a woman. He's not over the top, but they see how a loving husband looks like and the boys will hopefully learn from Darnell's example on how to be a loving, caring, FUN daddy and husband someday! Who could ask for more? As I see other parents, I wonder what people think of me when they see me... I am working on my outward apperarnce. I have gone for so long w/o doing my hair, wearing makeup etc.. that it's time for me to start kicking it up a notch. I also am committing myself to doing zumba regularly. I also think I need to take more time for myself, quiet time to pray, etc... My mom has always been a good example to me on how to be an awesome mom. I hope someday my kids will feel the same way about me. I am blessed that I can stay home with them. Of course it's difficult finincially sometimes, HOWEVER God always provides. My place, my ministry is to be at home w/ my children. to be Haley and Isaiah's advocate, their voice for their disabilities, to be there for Jeremiah and savannah as they deal w/ having siblings w/ issues and to support Darnell. Someday I do want to be a nurse. Right now though, my place is at home. To some that may be old fashioned, but this is what's right for our family. So.. since I am rambling on and on.. I will be done. I need to go to sleep. Less than a week till school starts!!!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


I exercised 2 days in a row! yesterday me and the boys went for long walk, we ran up and down a set of 50 stairs..I made it up and down 4 times.. felt like i was going to pass out when i was done, lol..Today I went to zumba right down at the beach. I made ( my kids words) the best dinner EVEr tonight. Plus today I got a bunch of paper work taken care of. feels good.

So, I know I am always so sappy and mushy about Darnell. However, he really deserves it. This morning he left me a sweet message on my facebook wall. Then after work, he came home and w/ the girls, listened to Miley Cyrus and cleaned the kitchen completely! He said they were singing and cleaning, lol.. I went to barnes and Noble to chill. Darnell needs to teach classes on how to be a fabulous dad and husband. He is soo patient w/ me, w/ my issues, lol...I just am so blessed.
I was reading the book " The Bipolar child"...well if that didn't confirm Isaiah's diagnosis, nothing will. So much of what I read is Isaiah to a T. right down to him obsessing about being bored. Even that was in the book!!! I feel validated. It also said it's soooo typical for families that deal w/ this to sort of suffer in silence b/c most bipolar kids save all their rage and crazy behavior for home. It's the most comfortable place for them to let out their emotions. So when someone says, oh he's so cute and nice...etc... well I want to say that's all wonderful, but right before we got here he tried to take me out w/ a remote control b/c he chucked it across the room. I absolutely feel so good knowing that isaiah's diagnosis is correct. Dealing w/ it is a differnt issue entirely.. but for now, just knowing more about it helps. well I am done for the day.. zumba wore me out, lol...

Sunday, August 22, 2010


Have you seen the commerical about depression meds that says " depression hurts" well it's true..It hinders so much of your life. So many people can say well just cheer up or snap out of it, well if it were that easy don't you think I would do that? I mean really... would I choose to be depressed, not have any energy, not want to go anywhere or do anything? I hate having things to do, places to go and I literally can NOT make myself go. And what the heck do you say to someone, oh well I'm depressed, I can't go? Then all that ends up happening is you turn into the unreliable person who shows up for some things, and not others. It's not because you liked one event over anohter, it's how you woke up and felt that day...I've listened to Joyce Meyers for years and she always says don't let your feelings/emotions dicate your actions. Beleive me, this is not what depression is. I just want to cry sometimes because I feel like I'm letting my family down, letting friends down because I am so stuck, i guess is the best word. I am doing my best to manage this. There are just some days I feel like I just want to be forgotten. Does that make sense? Just so I can without constantly having someone need me. And of course I get it, I am a mother of 4 kids, I chose this, I wouldnt' change it, but dealing w/ depression puts a kink in things, a lot!!! When Darnell's home, he's does so much. He is an awesome support. I feel bad for him, having to deal w/ me, lol...I will say, I won't quit trying to feel better, to get better.