Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Today I had an MRI of my back. As I was in the tiny tunnel that seems to be made for an 8yr old, not a chubby 34 yr old woman....God began to speak to me. Through all the noise of the machine, I knew God was talking to me. I had been praying about well, EVERYTHING. I have felt for some time that I have NO emotion. THe well has run dry. I realized I have no passion in my life. Well God really showed me the WHY to that. For many many years, my emotions have always been either panic, fear, adrenaline..I don't need to go into all the details of all the situations the that have caused those emotions. THe point is If I wasn't feeling like things were hitting the fan I was trying to recoup from when it did hit the fan. So eventually I just shut down. It's so tiring and draining to be up and down all the time. And I finally got to the point that things hit me hard however since I have shut myself down when crap happens, it doesn't hit so hard, or so I think. 
Does all that make sense? I am wanting that passion back in my life. I want to want to do things. I want to act on the ideas I have and the things I know I could do but don't have the will or ambition or PASSION to do. I know I have not dealt with most of the hard things I have dealt with in recent years. So, I have taken one step towards getting that passion back. It's a baby step, but you have to start somewhere. I want to be strong and confident in who I am. That's my goal. 
I am getting a lot of answers regarding my health which I think that's going to take some getting used to. I have had headaches, neck and back pain for years. My mom has been on my tail for FOREVER to go in and get it checked. Well I didn't because I just had enough to deal with and didn't want to deal w/ my junk. Well now it's time. I'm not going to lie and say that it's all easy to accept. But I know that I'm not going to fight it, I'm going to take it all in and do what I need to do. Feel how I need to feel and however long it takes is how long it takes. Acceptance is a foreign concept to me. 

Saturday, September 24, 2011

So Very thankful!!!

It's officially fall. I love fall. I love the smell of the crisp fall air, the smell of leaves, people having fires. I especially love the changing colors of the leaves. They are so beautiful and every one is different. I love that it's apple picking and pumpkin farm season. It's just a great time of year. The only thing I probably like least about it is that it means winter is coming next. But, you can't have one w/o the other! 
I've been doing laundry all day. Haley cleaned the kitchen and bathroom floors. She also straightened up the dining room. She is my little mama. It was nice tonight to have a clean house, my cinnamon stick candle burning and listening to the kids giggle and just be kids. As I was doing laundry the thought crossed my mind, how many times have I put these same pair of pants away in the Isaiah's room? But I wasn't feeling negative about it. Quite the opposite. I love taking care of my family. I love making sure they have clean clothes, clean bedding and a cozy home. For as much complaining as I may do, in reality I wouldn't have things any other way. Today I found a plastic magnifying glass in the dryer, along with a button and a bobby pin. All the things that are reminders that there are kids in the house. Something I won't take for granted. Especially with Jeremiah in high school, the girls in middle school...time goes by so fast. Right now my girls may be in middle school but they are still so much little girls. They are still innocent and free from worry. I wish I could keep them that way. But since I can't, I will do my best to enjoy the time I have while they are all still at home and happy. 
Despite the many struggles we may face, I am acutely aware of how incredibly blessed we are. I have a faithful, hardworking, loyal husband who adores me and our children. We have wonderful families and friends. I need to concentrate on these things more often. 
Tomorrow I might make an apple pie or some chocolate chip cookies. I'm sure the kids will want to help. I know when they are grown up they will have memories of mom baking from scratch, baking goodies for them to enjoy. These are all the things that I want them to remember. 

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

getting answers...

I have finally got some answers from the Dr's....I have moderately severe carpal tunnel in both hands, I have a bulging disc in my neck. I saw Dr. J on Monday and he did the test for carpal tunnel, he's also ordering and MRI on my back and traction for my neck. He also gave me a prescription for pain!!! The headache clinic couldn't give me anything besides a muscle relaxer. I am glad to be getting answers. I am not happy that it seems as if my body is falling apart at my age. The headaches stop me in my tracks...my neck keeps me from doing even normal things...it's all a bit overwhelming. However, it is what it is. I have to keep a positive attitude which is extremely hard for me. I've had a lot to deal with and it just seems like it's not stopping. I don't want to be one of those "oh why me" type of people. I just am not thrilled w/ all the crap going on. I realize God has a plan, I just am not aware of it yet. I was or thought I was an independent woman, I am capable of many things, I know I am smart and not meant to just do nothing. But with these health issues, it limits me SO much. Well the more I think about it, it limits the things I think I SHOULD do or want to do etc... Maybe God is allowing all of this to send me in another direction? I am still trying to figure it all out. I feel useless a lot of the time. I need to tap into what God is telling me and trying to show me. Darnell tells me all the time how beautiful and awesome I am, what a great wife/mom I am. I have such a hard time believing him. So, this new journey that I am on has a lot of questions, I have a lot of doubts. One doubt I don't have is that God is still in control. 
I am excited to be going to Florida in 2 weeks. I need the break. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Good talk w/ God

I had a good talk w/ God tonight. I have decided  that I need to make some changes but I cannot make them w/o God leading me. I have been eating like a fool lately. I am well aware that it is mostly b/c of stress and a little bit about the side affects of meds and such. so..I need to make the changes. 
I also have realized that I need a good christian lady mentor. I don't know who and it's something I am praying for. I also need a good shrink... lol. seriously. I am dealing w/ a lot of heavy emotional and mental crap and I know that I can't deal w/ it on my own. 
I struggle w/ my kids all being older. Instead of embracing them at the stage they are in, I am missing the days when they needed me more, and when they were little. Which on one hand doesn't make sense b/c having them all more independent has it's obvious advantages. But I do not want to look back in 10 years and regret not taking the time I have w/ them now and not getting the most out of it. I tend to either pine away for what used to be or look too far into the future and get myself all out of whack about what is to come. That is why I need balance. I am glad God is a God of order. He balances things out. I just need to let him. 
I realize how blessed I am. I know I take it for granted. I have a husband that is so in love w/ me, something sometimes I just have to ask WHY?? lol.. but I'm so in love w/ him so I am thankful for what we have. I also have 4 amazing kids that are really more than I could have ever hoped for. So.. this night I am thankful and hopeful. I am a work in progress. I am so thankful God doesn't give up on us. 
Tomorrow is a new day, with new possibilities and I am looking forward to what God is going to do in my life.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

I LOVE my KIDS!!!!!

Today I did not even get dressed. I layer around, napped, did absolutely nothing. I have been doing a lot of thinking. Next month is our 15 year wedding anniversary. I can't believe how much has happened in the last 15 years. So many ups and downs, so many awesome things, so many not so awesome things. Which I am coming to realize it just the ebb and flow of life. I have to say that I am proud of my children. They are NO DOUBT the most wonderful blessing God has ever given me w/ the exception of Darnell.We have believed that in order to raise a family, the priorities go as follows, you put God first, your spouse next and then your children. Now days most people would say, oh well you HAVE to put the kids first. Well I disagree. For US, I have found that if our marriage is strong, if the commitment we made to each other is strong and we are united, that is the best foundation to build a family on. If Darnell and I are solid, we are that much more able to give our kids what they need and deserve. I look at our kids and really they take my breath away. They can drive me bonkers, lol, but in the same token they can make me feel like I'm on top of the world. Every now and again I just feel the need to put it out there that my children are indeed, the most BEAUTIFUL children you will ever lay eyes on. Bar NONE! Don't even argue, haha. They have a beauty about them that is pure and innocent and comes from the inside out. I will be the first to say that God is completely the reason for that! I feel like it's such a privilege to raise these kids. God has given us this honor. I may have my days ( like earlier today, haha) that I am not in a mothering mood, but every mother feels that way and if they say they don't, I am convinced that they are LIARS!!! lol...It all goes w/ the territory. We have days that we can look at our kids and fall to pieces b/c they are so awesome and have other days that we just want to walk away for a moment, or more so that we don't go postal. I mean really...But the best part is that the good out weighs the bad. I look at my precious kids and see the possibilities and potential in them. I see how God is going to work thru their lives. I'm excited to see and witness what they will do w/ their lives. Savannah told me the other day that she doesn't want to be a teacher, she wants to be a pastor. She may change her mind, but I think it's awesome that she has NO FEAR and is willing to do whatever God is going to call her to do. 

Friday, September 2, 2011

Random thoughts...

I am still feeling like I am in the middle of the ocean just floating around. I can't seem to find my place of peace or joy. It's not because I'm not going to church, not b/c I'm not searching or trusting in God. I think it's just the crap we have to experience in life that just sucks. Bad things happen and it takes time to get thru them. It hurts and it sucks and you feel like junk for however long it takes to run it's course. 
There are some things that just aren't going to get better and you'll feel all good about again. At least not for awhile and sometimes things happen and you just find a new normal. It's a hard pill to swallow. You feel like you are floundering around looking for what used to make you feel good and secure, but it's not there anymore. Really though, for me I think it's an opportunity to challenge your faith. And like with any challenge, it's rough and doesn't always feel so hot. Eventually you get to where you need to be. 
I just am not there. yet.  I have realized a long time ago that my lot in life has never been normal. I fight it but to no avail. The fill in the blank "normal" answers have never fit for me. And when I try to make them fit, it makes me more frustrated. So the obvious question is, why do I keep trying? Well I am not. not anymore. I have to do things that work for me, that I feel God is leading me to do or not do and if it doesn't "seem" to be what the normal thing is. It doesn't always sit well w/ other people, or doesn't fit the "religious" mold or what have you. But honestly, I am more interested in finding my peace w/ God~ not anyone else. That has gotten me no where fast. Slowly but surely I am getting to the point of being ok w/ not being "normal". And right now, tonight, I am looking forward to next month when I will be in Florida. Darnell surprised me w/ a trip to visit Aaron and Meg and Coli. It's for our anniversary. He's the most selfless man alive. He wanted to give me a break. I wish I could do all the awesome things for him that he does for me. I pray that God will bless him abundantly. he most certainly deserves it.