Saturday, May 28, 2011

To My Love

After almost 17 years, Darnell, you still give me butterflies. I can look into your eyes and see what I saw so long ago and what I fell in love with and it's still there. Now I see it in our children's eyes. I see you in them. I look at you and my mind is filled with memories of those first days and weeks of being together, feeling like we couldn't be away from each other. You have always gone the extra mile or two for me. In all these years, that hasn't changed. In the beginning it was just about us. Then it quickly changed and it was about our children. I love to see you with them. They adore you. And what's even better, is you adore them. You cherish them. THe way God intended. You are teaching our boys to be Godly men and future husbands and our girls to not settle for a man that is anything less that a man like you. I love how you love me unconditionally, no matter how I look, how crabby I get, how sick I am....I see the love in your eyes and I know in my heart that God hand picked you for me. I feel blessed to be your wife, to share this life with you. To raise these awesome kids. I remember when we were first dating and we'd talk about having a family some day~ look at us now! I am sitting here typing and you are laying here next to me peacefully sleeping. I praise God every day for you, I pray for you and I love you.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

A Dream I Had

I had a dream that I was driving this car, It was like I was a tiny person driving this car and the steering wheel was really high and I could hardly see above it. I remember driving, looking for something frantically that was going to make me feel “secure” I drove past the house I grew up in. That no longer held a place of security for me. I also remember driving past Starbucks, which usually brings me momentary pleasure. Sure, it’s silly and  dumb but when I’m stressed like someone who smokes lits up a cigarette, I go for my Starbucks. But in this dream, even Starbucks didn’t fill that spot. I think that dream was so significant for a lot of reasons. I know there was more to it, and I hope I remember. However with all the major things going on in my life right now, I’m finding that NOTHING is going to fill this big, gapping whole of insecurity I am feeling. Except God. Only He can fill that void. I just have to let him. I struggle with so many stupid things~ and now that I have this condition it can really limit me. Some days I wake up and feel great. I embrace those days. Then, other days I wake up and feel Horrible. There is no rhyme or reason to the headaches. Mornings are hard for me. And for once in my life, it’s not just me not being a morning person, it really has to do with Chiari. I hate that my kids have to ask me if I am having a good or bad day. I am struggling with that one. 

Back Seat Driver

are you a back seat Driver? You know who you are. The person who sits on the passenger side or the back seat and can’t help yourself but to tell the driver how to drive, which lane to drive in, when to turn, how fast to go, how slow to go... you get it. Well I think in life rather than be the back seat driver, I have always just decided that I am smart enough or wise enough that I will just drive myself thru life. I will gun it at 60 mph when things aren’t going my way b/c I don’t like this, this is uncomfortable and dang it I’ve been around this mountain too many times before and maybe, just maybe if we speed this time, we’ll get thru and be DONE. Well then of course when your’re going 60 in a 35 mph zone, you’re bound to hit a speed bump or get a ticket. crap. here we go again. God nudges me, asks me if I would like for him to drive, let me take a break, oh no God, I’ve got this, I’m a good driver. 
Then it starts to rain. Well I turn the windsheild wipers on. It’s ok, a little rain. THen it’s a thunderstorm. starting to sweat. hydroplaning  because I didn’t listen to HIM and get new tires when I should have. It’s getting dark out. Are those GOLF BALLS? oh no. just hail. ok, so I’m starting to re evaulate some my decision about this whole driving thing. Maybe I should have let God drive. Is it too late now? Can I pull over and ask him to drive now? Will I look like a fool? But if I don’t, I may be looking like road kill pretty soon. So I slow down. “God, You know how you asked me if you’d like it if you could drive, well I changed my mind” ok love, sure I’ll drive. 

Wow, just like that he gets in the driver’s seat and proceeds to drive. It’s still raining, and hailing, but My God, My savior is driving. We aren’t going crash. I don’t have to worry about being road kill. I may have some consquences to deal w/ because of my choices, but God will still be in the driver’s seat. And I will still be a back seat driver, throwing out my opinion and God will politely tell me that I need to stay focused. He does know what he’s doing. More hail may come, bigger hail may come, bigger storms. God never said those things wouldn’t happen. he did say he would be with us while we went thru them. so when I can’t see over the steering wheel or in my rear view mirror, it probably means I need to get out of the Driver’s seat. 

Friday, May 13, 2011


Well I've had a few good days this week w/ no headaches. Last night Haley had her talent show at school and her dance team won 1 out of 2 of the prizes! I am so proud of her!! It was fun to watch her do her thing! lol
I am an absolute crab ass today. Part of it the weather is crap again which has brought w/ it another flippin headache. I do not have real medicine to take. All the meds from the headache clinic just make it worse and the side affects are horrible. So I am still adjusting to the fact that this is what I am going to have to deal with for who knows how long. I know that I don't need surgery, which I am very happy about. But finding meds, especially for migraines is almost like finding a needle in a haystack. It is hard to be optimistic. The headaches, especially when they get really bad, drain me. Once it is gone, it takes me a couple days to bounce back because I feel like I've just been thru the ringer. My aunt puts it perfectly- she calls it the headache hangover. You have this massive, horrific headache that sucks the life out of you for a day or two and then, once it goes away, your body just sort of is left to recover. so anyways, it's pissing me off.
2nd, which I know we aren't the only ones that deal with this, I'm just a blabber mouth and will talk about it, it's a tight month financially. we're broke, lol. like any family we have ups and downs. gas is sky high and we have a gas guzzler, however we have a vehicle so i can't really complain. but our kids, all 4 of them need summer clothes, right down to flip flops. Darnell is working his tail off,overtime even and the stress of it is just getting to us. Nothing that everyone else isn't dealing with. And I realize that we are blessed beyond measure. God provides, He always does. And the more I type, the more I realize how much I have to be thankful for. I honestly think this last month has just got me so, so on edge. It's like I want to go on vacation or on a break or somewhere. Just to breath. And that's when I get frustrated b/c we don't have the extra cash for me to go anywhere. And really, it's reality. Junk happens to people all the time and you can't just run away from it. Maybe I feel entitled to it because of all the stress w/ Isaiah's issues, Haley's issues, now mine.. but really, I'm not dying. but damnit, I feel like can't I get a break somewhere? Does Darnell get a break too? This crap sucks! so. there. 

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Stages of grief?

I think I am going thru some kind of stages of grief. With finding about having Chiari and knowing it is a chronic illiness, it really brings so many feelings and anxiety to the surface.
I'm about to turn 34 and have to deal w/ headaches that hurt so bad I can't even explain it. The pain is unexplainable. I'm not trying to be all "poor Melissa" , this is just how it is.I don't know when I will have one, I don't know how long it will last. Then when it goes away, it takes at least a day just for my body to recover b/c it takes so much out of me. 
It seems as if our family is just not destined to be anywhere near "normal". I am ok with that. I don't have a choice anymore. The more I fight it the more it keeps come, or so it seems. 
I'm trying my best to handle this whole thing well, but honestly I feel like a mess. The thought of being in pain, not knowing if I'll ever be able to just feel good again is very depressing. I have a ton of appointments to make, a ton of hoops to jump thru to try and find the right Dr to find the right meds..and from where I am sitting right now, all of that seems just like an overwhelming task. It's like feeling defeated before you even get started. I won't lie and say my faith has taken a hit. I still have faith that God has a plan, I just don't understand. 
I don't want to be a whiner.
I don't want to be a burden. 
I don't want to be "that" sick person. 
I just don't know who I am or who I am supposed to be. 
I thought when Haley was born, ok, I will be her advocate for bladder exstrophy. Then w/ Isaiah, I would be his advocate. And I'd be and advocate for the siblings of kids w/ disabilities. I'm the one who is dealing w/ this illness, sickness...whatever you want to call it. 

I don't feel capable or even up to the task of doing any of that. And quite honestly, I don't want to. I don't want to jump thru hoops, I don't want to chase down things and services that me or my kids should be getting anyways. 

I realize I am having a high class pity party, I hope you dressed for the occasion. 

If I don't vomit all this out in my blog, I will go to bed with it rolling around in my head. Not good. 
On Isaiah's Mother's day card he wrote that he loves that I can cook and bake good. It made me smile. why? because it reminds me of my grandma. On Savannah's she wrote out my name and for the letter I in my name she wrote In Love- meaning in love w/ Darnell. I love that our kids know that we are still in love with each other. That is one thing I always wanted them to be secure in. We may have some a bunch of stuff going on, but one thing I want them to always carry with them is that their parents loved each other. And we love them. We laugh, we have fun, we take walks on the beach. Isaiah gets all grossed out when he sees Darnell giving me a kiss. hehehehe. They also see that sometimes we bicker. We aren't yelling at each other or cussing, just plain old bickering. 
So, I feel better. I hope this week is better. I hope I don't have a headache all week. Lately, honestly, I have a headache or some kind of pain in my head or neck about 99% of the time. Thankfully, the trees are budding, flowers are starting to come up and it's looking like spring. The little things have to be enough right now. 

Saturday, May 7, 2011

My Babies!!!!!

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I am struggling with what is going on in my life. This "illness" or whatever you want to call it is kicking my butt this week. And it is really bringing me down. However, I need to choose to focus what Mother's Day is about. What made me a mom? My 4 awesome kids. Jeremiah is 14 and at the end of his middle school years. I can not believe he's already this old. He's so tall, so handsome, so sweet. He is my boy. My heart fills up with love and pride when I think about Jeremiah. When I was pregnant w/ him I was so scared because I had no idea how to be a mom to a boy, but obviously w/ God's help, a great daddy, now I have this most wonderful son. 
Haley. My beauty. She is beautiful inside and out. And what makes her even more beautiful is that she has NO idea how gorgeous she is. She is smart, she is thoughtful, she does everything with excellence. Given all she has been thru, and dealing w/ bladder exstrophy, I am so proud of her. We have done our best to raise her to be like any other kid. We didn't treat her differently just because she had a disablity. We didn't hold her back. I'm in awe of the wonderful young lady she is becoming. 

Savannah~ our firecracker!!! And I say that with all the love in the world. she is such a good girl. When I was pregnant w/ her, it was a bit touchy because I had the girls so close together and w/ Haley's surgeries etc.. WELL... God knew what he was doing!!! Haley and Savannah are best friends!!! Savannah is funny and care free and the life of the party. She can ad lib( much like her daddy) her sense of humor is awesome! And she also has such a sweet, thoughtful side to her. She has quite the helpful side to her. She loves to help others, I see what joy it brings her to know she has been helpful to someone else w/o getting anything in return. She also is my cuddle bug. She holds my hand still. she holds Haley's hand if Haley is having bladder spasms. It is very heart warming to see this in my children. Isaiah. My baby. He will always be my baby. It's been a rough road, but he is so loving. I love to watch him w/ little kids and babies. He's so gentle and loving. He's helpful and careful. With as many obstacles that he faces, he has a side to him that we get the privledge to see. The giggle that is sooo wonderful that is contagious, how he makes his bed and arranges all his stuffed animals just so and is so proud of himself. I love how he will sit on the couch and lean on Savannah when they are watching a movie or how much he looks up to Isaiah. All of our kids are so loving and beautiful and I am blessed to be their mom. I am so grateful that God picked me to be their mom. Some days I don't feel worthy of the task, but God saw something in me and Darnell and it all fits together. I know I'm not perfect and make mistakes just like any other mom, but when it comes down to it, my hearts desire is to raise 4 kids that will live their lives to love the Lord, make good choices, be happy, live for the Lord. What more could a mom want? 

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Tomrrow is the day!

Tomorrow is the day. I see Dr. Zickel. I have prepared myself for a few different outcomes. First, he could totally blow me off, which I have read is completely possible. Dr's that are not experts in Chiari tend to blow it off. That is one option. The next is he could say, well you need surgery. Which is scary. Which also means I need to find a chiari specialist which Dr. Z is not. So either way I look at, it seems as if there is a bit of a long road ahead of me. I have been feeling frozen. There is just so much to it. So Im anxious and nervous and tired. 
I just have no other words tonight. I'm dead tired. I hope I can sleep w/o weirdo dreams.