Thursday, April 30, 2009

what to do?

When did I fall into such a deep depression? seriously..I just want to feel good again. I can't pull myself out of this on my own. I have an appt w/ a therapist but not for a couple of weeks. There is so much I have bottled up I guess it's all hitting me. I would like to get thru all this and live my life to the fullest and not miss out on my what God has for me and what I am missing. I have a wonderful family and I don't want to take any of that for granted. I really want to go on a vacation. I need a vacation!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


Well I FINALLY started the SSI process. That is a huge undertaking. I have a phone interview next week. I still am having a hard time facing the fact that Isaiah has this disability. People can say " well this is what you have been dealt, so deal w/ it..." but until you are dealing w/ this... I just feel like I can't get a handle on my emotions. They are so up and down it's crazy. Yesterday or rather last night I was on a high because I got this SSI stuff started, today I feel like crap. Isaiah did go to school, but came home and was so crabby and started throwing a fit over a snack. I am tired of it. When is enough...enough? How much can one person deal with? I have an image in my head of this woman/wife/mother that I should or want to be.. and I feel like I am the polar opposite of that woman. I just want some time in between crisis' and issues and it all! I know it's all a part of life and we should live each day to the fullest..blah blah blah..well I'm not feeling it. I'm tired of worrying about this house, $$$, if Isaiah is going to rage, and all the little stuff in between. I know I am probably whining...but if I don't vent all this out I'll explode. Haley has her scope tomorrow. I am nervous. I am 99% sure they will say it's all fine..but it's been so long since she's had anything done, she's had weird pain, some leaking, I just have that fear that something might have shifted or something and that she'll need a revision. I know what to expect, I know what they'll do..but this time around Haley is old enough to know what's going on, to actually remember the pain and everything that goes w/ having surgery. That would be a whole new aspect of bladder exstrophy that we have not dealt w/ yet. I know, don't borrow tomorrow's troubles, but reality is that at some point she will have to deal with this. Well I supose I should stop for now. Hopefully I can get myself together.

Monday, April 27, 2009


Why do the simplest things stress me out? Why can't I just enjoy the good things and deal w/ things as they come. Right now..the things I need to do feel just about impossible. I just want to crawl back into bed and stay there. I have a list a mile long and just can't bring myself to do any of most, it's simply mind over matter.. tackle the stuff and get it done. For some reason, I just can't seem to even handle that. The last few months have been just about too much for me....and I feel like all I do is whine. I have a beautiful family, a wonderful husband, I love my house..spring is here..I really need to get it together. I am praying for a huge miracle. That God will provide the funds for us to get the porch done, a ladder for the pool...all the other little things..I really am at my end and need to give it to God.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

It's raining it's pouring...

The nice weather did not last dang it! It's raining and is pretty crappy out. Haley has a violin concert tonight. I am indulging my horrible habit of chewing ice...I did get up and take a shower and put my face on... better than yesterday at least. I wish I was motivated to do great things. LIke I can't wait to finish school and be a great nurse, yet I can't even get past chemistry. I know I can do the job of a nurse.. I think I'll be a darn good one at that. but to get past some of the book stuff is just so hard. And now I need to put school on hold so that I can deal w/ Isaiah. I am totally fine w/ that. I just am not looking forward at some point taking those hard classes. Maybe I'll feel different when the stress of dealing w/ Isaiah's issues will be somewhat under control. Darnell is the best husband. He completely takes over when I can muster up any eneregy. He takes care of things. Sometimes I think he's a better "mom" than I We've never played the gender role game of the man only does man things like bringing home the bacon and coming home to a wife that has the dinner on at 5 and does all the kid things. I feel like when I'm feeling the way I do lately that Darnell does way more than his share. Hopefully I can get myself together..I know I will!

Friday, April 24, 2009


Well I just am in a rut. It's beautiful outside, and yet I still only feel like just staying in bed. Tomorrow it's suposed to be crappy out again..There is so much I should be doing yet I don't do a dang thing. I feel like it's all in my head, but how do you pull yourself out of a rut? I need to workout, I need to be on top of things. I am so far from any of it. Honestly, I feel like I'm sinking deeper into depression than ever. I know all the things to tell myself not to.. the self talk, all the reasons why I shouldn't be depressed. Give it to God, don't sweat the small stuff...etc.. but anyone who struggles w/ depression knows that it just isn't that easy. Depression and anxiety get a grip on me and I HATE it! It's not that I am voluntarily chosing this, but it is what it is. I tell myself that feelings are feelings and nothing more.. blah, blah, blah.. all the self talk on the planet does zippo for me! So I don't know where to go from here..I already take an anti-depressant..I guess I need to go back to the Dr and see if I need somethings adjusted. We'll see. In a way I feel like I shouldn't even put all this into words, but I am not going to be a phony. This is how I feel, I can't change it...I wish I could

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


Well once again we have these" circumstances" that cause my anxiety levels to go thru the roof. I tend to over think every scenario, think up things that will never happen, worry about junk that just does nothing more than make me a ball of nerves. Well... I'm CHOOSING not to do that today. I truly is a choice I have to make and stick to. I can't wallow, I can't try to micromanage everything. God has a plan. If anyone knows this it is me. We have had some pretty hard circumstances thrown at us...some unforseen some our own fault, but God has always provided. Why do I think now would be any different? And to be quite honest, (don't want to go into detail of what I'm worrying about, LOL) this set of circumstances really is a drop in the bucket compared to what we have dealt w/ in the past. So..I'm going to get over it!!!
On a different note, Isaiah did not go to school Monday. I didn't think he would..mainly because he had a week and a half off, his schedule and routine were all screwy.. so he just wouldn't go. Tues he went for a half day and today he actually got on the bus w/ the girls but now I have to go pick him up for an appointment. It's gorgeous out. I am blessed. I have a husband who adores me, is faithful, and still thinks I'm Hot!! LOL LOL LOL.. So..note to self.. don't sweat the small stuff!! haha

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Day 3 of Easter Vacation

Well it is the middle of the week and FINALLY nice enough outside to send the kids OUT!!! They have been pretty good, just LOUD!!! LOL...This morning I could hear them playing house, Savannah was the "mom"'s scary when your 8 yr old can sound just like you..Yesterday I conquered the laundry. Darnell got it started last week, and I have finally finished it... almost. At times I feel it to be quite boring that the highlight of me week is that ALL the laundry is done. I mean that all there is? Not really. When I think about 5 or 10 years down the line, the days of playing house will be over, the girls writing goofy poems and playing dress up will be long gone. Watching Isaiah trail behind 4 girls all day long and his role in "house" is the brother "Sam" as he named himself! Jeremiah escapes it all at Blair's where he plays video games and soaks in the hottub...I feel very blessed that I can be home w/ them. That I am the one hearing them play house, yelling at them to stop jumping up and down because it feels like the house is going to crumble. My house may not smell like scented candles or potpourri...more like mac-n-cheese and hotdogs a lot of the time. I am at a place that I know my place is at home. Having 2 children w/ disabilities is a challenge in itself. Darnell and I really feel like my place is at home. Do I still want to be a nurse? Of course.. but right now, that road is blocked and I'm ok w/ that. I don't ever want to look back and regret missing something, or not being there. I have another big job and that is to be an advocate for Isaiah and Haley. Right now, more so for Isaiah. I have so much ahead of me to make sure he gets the help he needs. So even though there are days that I just want to stay under the covers, I know that if I do.. I might miss something...

Monday, April 13, 2009

Easter Vacation

It is the 1st day of Easter Vacation...Before 8 a.m. I had 6 kids in the house, the dishwasher going and 1 tantrum already thrown by my 5yr old. Then I went and got Starbucks and ended up spilling 3/4 of it on my living room floor!!! It's cold outside and the kids can't go out to play :((
I know.. cry Melissa a river, LOL.... I have realized that although my childrent drive me nuts, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but home. I am approaching my 32nd birthday. It feels SOO weird. To be 32 w/ a 12 1/2 year old that has feet bigger than mine, who will most likely be as tall as me by the end of the year and is looking more and more like a young man. He is still so innocent and sweet. I hope he stays that way. I took a bunch of pictures this weekend of the kids. They are beautiful. I know every mother says that, but seriously, mine are THE most beautiful! Ha! I should be doing the laundry, scrubing the kitchen and bathroom floors..all that jazz. Blogging is more fun!! That being said, I don't have anything else interesting to say so I guess I will get started on all that laundry...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The tail of laundry in the Hoaglund home

Well today was MUCH better than yesterday. Yesterday I never even got dressed. I have decided in this blog to be brutely honest. So look out...haha..I feel like the whole weight of Isaiah's IEP not going well hit me. It means I have to fight some more just to get Isaiah into a class that will suit his needs. Why is that so hard? Tonight I will not go and on about all the crap, I will just say that I think it sucks that unless your child is climbing the walls and can barely talk they won't qualify for crap! I folded a ton of laundry and even took a pic of it and uploaded it to facebook. Why do I do things like that? To prove to everyone how much laundry I do? LOL..I just think it's funny to see 1 load of white clothes lined up all along the end of my queen size bed, organized into each child's pile, Savannah's pile can only have 1 kind of sock because she refuses to wear ankle socks, I had to use a sharpie to mark the end of Darnell's socks because Jeremiah's feet are so big now that they can share socks..Isaiah has like 3 different types of socks.. I think I am the ONLY one who has one style of socks, adidas ankle socks. I just spent 5 minutes typing about this what motherhood is? Well not entirely, but it's a part of it. I would be lying if I said it doesn't give me some sense of accomplishment when I know my kids don't have to go searching for socks or underwear or clothes. I know it sounds crazy...but now that they are older and don't need me as much, I feel like I'm doing something still for them...I love being a mom.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Being a mama!!

My name is Melissa. I am ( in no specific order) the mother to 4 children, wife to one awesome husband, only daughter to a wonderful mom, starbucks addict..internet addict and an extremely part time nursing student. I had my oldest child at age 19. Being a mom is a huge enough job as it is, however, being 19 seems to make it that much harder. I spent my 20's being pregnant for 27 months( my other 3 kids), taking care of these little people that I brought into the world. I spent my friday nights at home, folding laundry, cleaning and all the "mom stuff" As if having children at a young age wasn't hard enough, 2nd child, our oldest daughter was born w/ her bladder on the outside of her body. That led to many surgeries, many many weeks spent at children's hospital..the whole 9 yards. So.. that means being a mom and a wife to 2 kids( at that point) one with a physical disability. To be 100 % honest, I was terrified and came very close to having a nervous breakdown. Thankfully, my husband, family and friends pulled me thru. Not to mention my faith in God. without that, I surely would have ended up in the psych ward. no joke! I remember sitting on the toilet holding a baby just so I could pee w/o having to listen to my bundle of joy wail. Later on I figured out that I will this child in the crib, where he/she is safe and make my way to the bathroom, by myself. and OMG, the world did not end. Yes my child cried for a short time, but my bladder was empty and I didn't have to hold an infant to to get it that way! Motherhood makes you someone you never imagined you'd be. For the good and sometimes the bad. I am not proud of hte bad moments, however I am HUMAN!! Being a mom does not mean perfection, it's quite the opposite actually!!! It means, you rearrange your life so you can go on a field trip, you are laying in bed thinking about the multiple appointments you need to make, the cleaning you will be doing until you die, how unkept and sad I looked as I ventured to Starbucks( my savior, it gets me thru A LOT, lol) in my sweats, crocs and unshowered self. All of which could rightfully land me a spot on what not to wear. I break all their rules. Then on the days that I actually put on my face, wear real clothes.. people comment about how nice I look. I appreciate it, but it is a loud and clear reminder of just how dreadfull I can look. I am going to keep blogging about being a mom. I want to capture it all, the good, the bad the ugly! Someday, hopefully my children will read this and not feel negativley, but be completely aware that they have a mother who puts it all out there, isn't trying to be fake and ina way trying to prepare them for parenthood some day. As I write this, I have laundry waiting to be folding, I just sat down on the toilet with the whole seat up- GROSS! I need to clean my bathrooms, I need to vacuum, the list goes on.. until next time!!!