Friday, September 24, 2010

The Elephant in the room....

So...the elephant in MY room as of late is..drum roll..... the weight I have gained. Maybe not important to some, but to me, it is a sign of going in the wrong direction. I had gastric bypass 6 years ago. I have gained about 40lbs since I was at my lowest. And even when i was at my lowest, I never EVER got down to be "skinny".. I did not have the surgery to look like a barbie doll. I mean really, I have had 4 kids... I will not look like a model or whatever unless I undergo a major overhaul and the overhaul is hauling all this extra skin off my bod. so... I wasn't nor am I looking to be that skinny chick. I'm ok with that. I am NOT ok w/ gaining weight. At one point, I FELT like the exercise QUEEN.. I really felt like my own version of a rock star, hehe...Well that has gotten put on the back burner that is no longer even on the stove! So that means the weight has slowly crept back on. Yuck. The exercise part requires energy. I do have 2 valid reasons my exercise has suffered to some extent, not entirely. 1, I had an extremely low iron level...almost dangerously low. To the point I had so little energy that I just could barely function, let alone exercise. My 2nd thing... depression. People say well exercise helps you not be depressed. Well tell me this oh wise one.. how the heck can you muster up the energy to exercise when you are so depressed you can't even take a shower w/o being worn out? It's an oxy moron. depression makes you not want to do anything, exercise gives you energy.. it's just hard to get that jump start. And, I have totally gone off my eating habits that I should be following according to my post gastric bypass diet. So do I have a plan of attack? no, not yet. I do have one thing I need to work on, not hating myself so much that I can't get past that to actually do something good for myself. Doing the work to be skinny isn't the right motive. I want to be healthy. All of that being said, I still need to work on how I see myself, figure things out in my head and hopefully get somewhere. I can't afford to buy new clothes so I better figure it out quick. ha.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Raising Kids

This time 16 years ago Darnell and I were just beginning our life togehter. However, I was an extremely insecure 17 year old girl and he was so laid back it made me sick,lol. We fought A LOT... just ask our friends. However thru the years I have been told by a good friend that we for sure did not lack passion. We fought passionately but we loved each other even more passionately. Sort of like the saying work hard play hard. 14 years ago at this time I was 6 1/2 months pregnant and planning our wedding!!! D told me from the VERY beginning that he wanted to wake up to my beautiful face every day. Boy he didn't know what he was really asking for, haha. Now our kids are little protege's of me sometimes, haha. Now that we have children, all out of the baby/ toddler stage life takes on a different meaning. What happens now will shape who they become to some extent. And as the years have passed so quickly I realize that we only get one shot at this. It's not something you can take lightly. What we do, say, believe directly affects our kids upbringing. We have the power to shape their childhood years. I want them to have good memories. I want them to Love God, love others. I want them to stay close when they get older. No offense to my mom's side of the family, but unfortunately she and her 4 siblings had a rough life and now I belive their relationships suffer because of it. It's a shame. I want my kids to stay close, to have the mentatlity that no matter WHAT. I think because of Haley's surgeries, Isaiah's disablilty, they will stay close. Tragedy, illness stuff like can really bond a family. what it all boils down to is that I love my kids to the ends of the earth. I want the best for them in their life. I want the choices D and I make now to be the right ones for them. I don't expect perfection at all....just to know that we did our best for them. When we first got pregnant w/ Jeremiah, it was rough. We weren't married.. you get the idea.. to a lot of people that is very common and normal. well it wasn't for me. I'm not in any way judging anyone else, I just was young and brought up to wait till I got married. well obviously that didn't happen and then I was pregnant. Well.. all these years later, I look at Jeremiah and see what a great kid he is. when I feel like being a bad ass I want to say to all those that were so negative about us getting married etc..nananananana... he's the best thing that ever happened to us. However, it is by the grace of God. he made it possible for Darnell and I to make it thru all the trials...I never imagined we'd have 2 kids w/ disabilities, one physical one mental. I wonder what God is thinking?? haha.. He sees something in us, I may not see it, but he trusts us w/ these kids. I heard a quote that said something to the effect of God picks those that are willing not necessarily qualified. I don't or have ever felt qualified to handle all this. But, I did say to the Lord a very long time ago that I was willing to go the distance, to handle what God sent our way! Well he sent it alright! I am proud of my kids. I am proud to be their mom. God will make me qualified as I go. Good thing, lol!!!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Beginning....

We met in the summer of 1994. It was the summer before my senior year. I saw him for the first time wearing a blue dress. Yes that is right, a blue dress. And then he got a pie in the face, I think. We were at youth group. Afterwards, he played basketball and I hung out w/ my friends desperately wondering who this tall, black kid was that came w/ our friend Ryan. Well Ryan ended up giving me a ride home, he had his mom's mini van. We were so cool, haha... This guy rode w/ us. I ended up riding next to him. Yes, he was SWEATY!!!! He put his arm around me. I thought I was going to die. This was my first experience with a guy getting this close to me. We flirted, he teased me that I was his "pretend girlfriend"...That was just the beginning. Little did I know that I would one day become his wife, the mother of his children. We have children that look a little like me a lot like him...There is something to be said for looking at the love of your life and then looking at your children and seeing yourself and him in your kids. You see facial expressions, a look that stops you in your tracks! I am sure that the day I saw him, I never imagined in my wildest dreams that he'd pick me. I had hoped he just liked me, much to my amazement he fell in love with me and I with him!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

feeling crappy....

This medication change SUCKS!! I can't sleep for crap, when I do, I'm having the craziest dreams/nighmares I ever had.. i wake up every 2 hrs at least. I'm dizzy and I feel like I'm pregnant, no I'm not really, but my emotions are all over the place. This sux. yes I am whining and complaining. Plus Isaiah is sooooo backed up, his belly was hard as a rock. I will spare everyone the gorey details..let's just say he's miserable. I'm not feeling too hot myself...This last week really bit the big one. I am probably being a big dramatic.. oh well. I have 7 followers of my blog. I have had this pipe dream that I will have lots and lots of followers, but I guess I am not that interesting, LOL....Well I am going to chill w/ Isaiah. My poor boy has had better days..

Thursday, September 16, 2010


Every September brings with it earlier sunsets, brisk weather, changing leaves. Every year it brings the smell of fall, that crisp scent of leaves falling from the trees. The whistle of the winds blowing, leaves falling to the ground. I remember as a young girl walking home from school seeing the most amazing leaves, the colors were each so distinct. The crunch you would hear as you walked, the later it got in the fall. Every fall also brought with it new memories. As I got older it brought memories of walking home from school feeling refreshed from the gorgeous weather, falling asleep with the window cracked open. As I got a little older and met my husband, fall meant something new all together. FOOTBALL!! Although after over 16 years together and I still do not know one more thing about football than i did then, I do know what football does. It brings people together. People band together to watch their favorite team, good food cooks, kids play football in the fallen leaves. Sunday afternoons consist of chili and football. The kids come in smelling of that wonderful smell of fall. I remember that smell so well from my own childhood, now it comes rushing back to me as my children tumble in the house after a long day of playing outside. In our home at this time of year, candles are being lit, the house smells of cinnamon. Soon it will hold the smell of apple pie that I will make after we make our annual trip to Apple Holler. The kids will pick tons of apples, every apple being perfect in their eyes. Or the occassional apple that was once home to a worm.

This time of year is cozy, for lack of a better word. Good movies playing on TV when a football game is not on. Crock pots filled with homemade chicken noodle soup that smell like heaven. Fall is here. The colors of the season will be breath taking just as they are every year. The birds will slowly find their way to their cozy home for the cold season that is coming. The trees will soon be barren of the once vibrant green leaves that will surely return in Spring. All of the changes remind me of how God has his hand on every aspect of nature. Also that he has his hand on every change that takes place in my life as every year brings new changes and challenges with it.


I went to the Dr today. I was officially diagnosed w/ manic depression. Big shocker hey? LOL... She is giving me a different meds, well actually changing up my meds. Hopefully I will start to feel better. I HATE feeling the way I do. I also hate the Isaiah has the same issues. depression, bipolar, it all goes together. It breaks my heart that he is already experiencing anxiety and all that crap. He is doing well in school though. Far better than I thought he would. I'm so proud of him.

Let me just say, Darnell is awesome. While I'm dealing w/ all this emotional junk he has been such an awesome help. He doesn't give me a hard time, he does so much around the house. He's an awesome husband.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Lately I have been feeling extremely anxious. I have known for years that I have anxiety/panic issues. Which is the reason I have been on medication for it. Well I changed meds in July and man, it is making me feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything...I want to stay home and that's it. I hate feeling like this. when I know Ihave to go somewhere, I start feeling anxious days before. Add in some PMS last week and that is a recipe for one emotional/ basket case of a woman. I did start going thru a bunch of junk, shredding tons of old paper that was taking up so much space. But I'll get started on something and then don't have the energy to finish. I did go for a about a mile and a half walk on Monday, then yesterday my friend called me up to go for a walk, I thought we walked 4 miles but it was actually 3. Not bad. I have not gone for a walk today. I go to the Dr tomorrow to get this medication situation under control.
Isaiah brought home a spelling list. He had to practice the words. I immediately paniced b/c I didn't think he could do it. Well I will not underestimate my son again! He did really well!! He's really doing well. Yesterday he got into a bit of trouble for talking to his friend, this friend whom he can't remember his name, lol, and he wasn't following directions, he was giggling. At least he's feeling comfortable. I am getting concerned about his bowel issues. He holds it in, and his belly is so distended that his inny belly button is starting to become an outty. May have to call the Dr tomorrow. Never a dull moment!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Unproductive weekend!

Today I did nothing productive. not one thing. I am just not sure where my head is at. I feel so blah. I have blogged about my depression issues etc.. so I won't go over all that again, but this last week, I just have no energy, no motivation. I honestly just want to lay around and do nothing. And eat, haha. That's maybe part of it. I have been eating crap and that is not helping I am sure. I saw my counselor last week and he advised me that at night, I need to not make a mental list of all I want to do the next day. Because when I do, it gets my mind going, I get psyched up about who knows what, then the next day I don't have the same motivation and I end up berating myself for not doing stuff. vicious circle. So.. I am working on that. I have said so so so many times that I need a vacation. I literally NEED one. I need a change of pace, scenery, somewhere to clear my head, get myself straight. It will certainly be a miracle if I do get a vacation. When I say vacation, I mean I want to get on a plane and go off somewhere tropical, warm, beautiful beach, awesome hotel...this is a big ol dream of course, but if you are going to dream , dream big! Next month is our 14th wedding anniversary. We didn't have a honeymoon. I would so love to go on a real honeymoon. Stay in the honeymoon suite, lol.. .anyways.. a girl can dream! I am praying that this week I can get myself together, get some stuff done.. etc...

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I called in sick

I called in sick technically I "texted" in sick, to my husband who is off today! Basically to establish that today, I am off limits from doing any motherly or household duties! I did make a few phone calls for appts for the kids..but I couldn't ignore that. Last night I had ANOTHER migraine. I took exedrin PM and it worked. still waiting to hear about my referral to the headache clinic.

So what does a stay at home mom do on a day off? Well, ideally one would think she would go shopping or go for a walk etc.. I however have not or never will do what "most" people do. I am in my room, on my laptop watching re-runs of "House" To me, today that is how I feel like spending my day off. later I will take a nap. So, I have been thinking. shocker I know..I have Darnell built up on this big pedestal. partially because I am crazy in love with him(big part of me!) and also because he is fanatisitc w/ our kids, w/ ministry at church. He's funny, witty, easy going. He was one of the "cool" guys at school. I was sorta the wallflower. I had a tight knit group of friends. I actually have an awesome group of friends, ladies that have been with me when I went thru tons of crap. My mom always says she thinks it's awesome that I have so many great friends. I am blessed. So me, being who I am, and Darnell being who he is, the odds of us getting together didn't seem real when we first started dating. Now, next month is our 14th wedding anniversary.

*Warning~this may be a long blog today~

Jeremiah, age 13, 8th grader.

He is our oldest. He is taller than me, and frequently finds it insanely hilarious to point it out to him. HA! However, he is a mama's boy to some extent. he never goes to bed w/o saying good night and I love you. He looks out for his siblings. He used to carry Haley home from the bus stop when she had bladder spasms. He's that kind of kid. He's loving, compassionate, and a blessing to me. He is a family oriented kid. Watching Darnell and him wrestle is so much fun. He is MY boy, and always will be!

Haley, age 11, 6th grader~

Haley is beautiful. Drop dead gorgeous. And has NO idea that she is. She is sort of a tomboy, however a tomboy that won't leave the house w/o her earings, her legs lotioned up so she's not ashy and her hair neatly combed into a pony tail. She is a straight A student. she does it pretty much w/ very little effort. She had to have gotten that from her dad. Definately NOT me, haha...she can be quiet and shy. When she's in her goofy mood, she really lets loose. She values things being in order, clean and neat. she is a huge help to me. I look at her and it takes my breath away.

Savannah, age 10, 5th grader~

Savannah "banna" is our huge goof ball. Seriously, she cracks us up and more importantly cracks herself up!!!! She is a very out going, friendly, kid. She is a lot like Darnell. and OMG is she a daddy's girl. I mean, the sun rises and sets on HIM!! Which I think is fabulous! She also is our drama queen. she can be so happy go lucky, but when her panties get in a bunch, literally and metaphorically, EVERYONE knows it! She has a stare that will burn a hole thru you( much like Haley does) and crocidile tears that sometimes either make you laugh or cry with her, haha.She is extremely creative, and as she gets older I am seeing more and more her talents for taking pictures, using the video player on my camera.. she has quite the personality. I am excited to see where life takes her.

Isaiah, age 7, 1st grader~

Isaiah is a mystery sometimes. But he is a cuddle bug, he has a smile that lights up a room. His giggle, OMG is soo dang cute. His best friends are his siblings. And of course his cousins Tamiah, Amara and Trenton. He adores them. He loves anything w/ a remote control. Not tv controls, but cars, trucks, etc.. He loves to swim. He would swim in the lake, that is freezing cold, his whole body could be purple and he'd swim until it got dark. He's my baby. he still loves to cuddle, he loves his "woobie" You know the woobie like the little kid had on" Mr Mom"? he sleeps with it, chews on it. His sense of humor is emerging every day and it's so cool to see.

My kids are my world. Although a lot of the time I find myself getting way too caught up in the duties of motherhood, rather than spending more quality time w/ them. I am fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom. There are many reasons that I am. The most important being, well it's tied for the most important reason, first of all with 4 kids, I want to be here when they get home, I want to know what's going on etc...the 2nd reason is w/ Isaiah's disablitiy, I have to be home. So I am so happy I can be home. I look back at old pictures and MAN do I miss the days when they were babies. Well most of the time. haha.. I do however realize if I spend too much time missing what used to be, I will miss what is happenig now.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

this and that...

Well it feels like fall is here. yesterday the wind was totally outrageous! Tonight I am home alone. Darnell is at work, the kids are all at church. Lately I've been feeling, emotional. Not quite sure over what...I feel depressed..but then other times I feel so hopeful about things. I wish I could get my emotions under control, that or have a good cry and get it over with already....The kids are back in school and having more free time is great. I do however need to learn to use the time wisely. If I could I would lay in bed ALLLL day and night and veg out. I do too much of that as it is. I just don't have the energy or desire to do much. I am baking and cooking more. That's good. However I still feel full of anxiety. I am tired of having headaches, yesterday I did a bunch of yard work and so today my lower back is killing me. Im only 33, it's ridiculous that after a little bit of yard work, my body feels like went thru the ringer. blah blah blah....
I can't believe how fast the summer went. It actually was one of the better summers we have had in a very long time!

It's a few hours later, I now have a migraine. damn it!!! I called the headache clinic last week and am waiting for a referral. I also made an appt for Jeremiah w/ the dr for his headaches. i don't know if he can go to the headache clinic too, but he gets horrid headaches too, he has since he was little. So since I can't move w/o my head pounding, I've been laying in bed watching house for hours...I still have laundry that needs to be folded and put away( huge pet peeve when it's just sitting in a basket) tons of laundry to be done, and I had started cleaning the dining room and had to stop. I realize I sound crabby and negative.. you'll have to exuse my pissy mood. My awesome hubby stopped and got me some 7up, exedrin PM and red vine. should be good to go for the rest of the night...

Sunday, September 5, 2010

labor day weekend!

Yesterday I my 2 older half brothers and their families. something I never imagined would happen. Not like I was avoiding it but I wasn't looking for it at first either! It's very exciting to see them, see the resemblemances between our kids..Very exciting!
Today my dad was going to come and visit, but his blood sugar was sky high. when that happens, he pretty much is bed bound..I looked up his type of diabetes and it's very unpredictable, and his blood sugar levels can spike just from stress etc.. I of course am not mad, just disappointed. However I realize when it's not something he can control. So.. hopefully next time. Darnell was off today, he went to church this morning w/ the kids. we had a relaxing day, took a nap.. chilled out. My body is killing me. Last night I made an attempt to make my cinnamon rolls, the dough was tough so I had to knead it and I think that pulled some weird-o muscles in my neck and arms..
This Tuesday, when the kids go to school and D goes to work, it will be my first day on my own since school started. I am really praying that I can have the energy to get things done. It's so dang easy to do NOTHING. Then I try to pump myself full of caffeine so I will have the energy to get stuff done, that doesn't always work and then the caffeine crash... welll it's all over after that. Honestly, as I learn more about depression and anxiety, I'm thinking maybe I should be the dang poster girl for it!! haha.. not really. All I have to say, is, and I've said it before, if you can not wrap your mind around depression/anxiety issues, and just don't get it, please don't judge. There are days that i look outside, see the beautiful lake and think, wow, I should go for a walk.. do I do it? well no...It's like I just can't make myself do it. I am seeing a counselor so hopefully some of these issues will get resolved. Especially before winter..winter is the hardest season for me. Let me end by saying, I have a fabulous husband, who is completely understanding, loving, and supportive. My kids are healthy, fun, happy.. a lot of things are looking up for us. So I may express a lot of concern about all the yucky stuff, or whine about it rather, lol, but for the record, the good DEFINATELY out weighs the bad in my life. with that being said.. good night!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Good day!

Today Darnell bought me an Iphone 4!! I'm so excited!!! Of course it's not a necessity, but he worked like a mad man the last 2 weeks, we paid our bills, God blessed us and so Darnell spoiled me a little bit! He's awesome! Tomorrow evening we are getting together w/ my brother Kevin and his family and my brother Dave and his family. I am really excited. This is something I never ever dreamed would happen. They are my half brothers on my dads side. I realize this is all new to all of us, I don't have any major expections, just to meet them, connect, meet my nieces and nephews.. it's a good start. Then on sunday my dad and Pam will be here. We are going to bbq... i have been corrected by my dad, it's not called "cooking out" it's called are really improving finanially. we still have a ways to go and bills that need to get paid. But I know God will provide. Isaiah has done well the first 3 days of school. That is a huge accomplishment.
The weather is sooo cool. Feels like fall. But it's supposed to get back up into the 80's on Monday. which is fine, Im not quiet ready for fall. but having a break from the humidity is very nice.
We are currently praying for a job for Darnell that will allow him to be able to go to church. I personally HATE change, especially job changes. however, He wants to be involved w/ youth group, especially now that Jeremiah and Haley are both in youth group. I know God has a plan, and w/ so many out of work, I am even more thankful that He has a decent job at all. God knows what he's doing. So.. we are praying.., but ultimately i want God's will for us. He's brought us a LONG way. I have no doubt that he has us where we are in this season for a reason. I'm learning, as hard as it is, that I don't always have to have all the answers. I just need to trust.
I plan on baking some stuff this weekend. We are cooking out at my mom's on sunday. That will be fun. The kids LOVE going over there.. and I swear she loves having them more than anything. She was meant to be a grandma! she has taught Jeremiah and the girls so much about gardening and yard stuff... they all appreciate flowers and nature so much. Every year, still, in the spring as soon as Jeremiah sees the first Robin he calls my mom to tell her. I am so thankful for the relationship she has w/ them. They are building great memories. Well I need to go play w/ my new phone, hehehe...

Thursday, September 2, 2010

School has started!!!

I talked to my dad on the phone 3 times today. so cool! This weekend, I just may meet 2 of my half brothers. It's all so amazing. It's new and exciting and a little bit scary, lol...Darnell's been off most of the week and he's off till next Tuesday. I sorta had a meltdown on Monday. Isaiah was just too much for me. I just couldn't handle anymore. So thankfully Darnell came home. School started yesterday!! The night before school started I had probably one of the WORST nights ever ever ever!!! My head hurt so bad that I wanted to just die. I was dreaming about my head hurting, I kept waking up... horrible. So, yesterday I called my Nurse Praticioner to get a referral for the headache clinic. Then last night I went to a counseling appointment. I need to start making a list of what I need to get done, and at night letting it be, not going over and over things in my head. I also need to stop putting so many expectations on myself. Easier said than done.
Everyone had a great day at school. Isaiah got on the bus and has now completed 2 full days of school. good start to a great year!
Funny story... yesterday, the house smelled. Now I am not a Merry maid and have a pristine house, but we aren't yucky slobs either. So I could not figure out what smelled so awful. So at like 6:30 this morning Darnell was smelling behind the fridge( where our mouse zapper is) and Darnell says " For the mouse house, when does the light go on? I said, it blinks if there is a dead mouse in there"... he says well it was blinking like 3 or 4 days ago!!! Well we found where the smell was coming from! So GROSS!!!! At least I got the mouse out and the smell. Now I need to put the mouse house back just in case there are anymore of that dead mouses friends. so gross.
So I am drooling over the iphone 4. I want one bad. I also want the Ipad. I guess I could go on and on, however today I am very thankful that we are able to pay our rent, buy groceries etc..

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

First day of school!!!

Well FINALLY the first day of school came. Unfortunately I was soo sick this morning, I didnt get to see the kids off, Darnell did. But they all had a great day. Haley started middle school... whoa..Isaiah rode the bus! whoo-hoo! Unfortnuately I had a horrible night from Hell last night.. I had the worst headache I called today to get a referral to the headache clinic. It was horrible.

This weekend my dad is coming to visit, and my brother Kevin and his family are coming from seattle. so... we are planning on getting together w/ my brothers and their families and then handing out w/ my dad and Pam on sunday afternoon. It all feels so surreal sometimes!
Well I would type more, but i'm falling asleep! good night!