Thursday, April 29, 2010

Life is falling apart.......

Life, as I know it, is changing. I feel like things are about to get turned upside down and there isn't a thing I can do about.... I have cried, and cried and cried some more. I don't want my kids lives turned upside down. I am passionate about them not having their lives disrupted yet again. This last couple years have been ridiculously hard, and now, now that Isaiah is FINALLY stable, life is flipping turning upside again! I am praying, trying to trust, trying to see that this move is, really, just a small part of life. But right now, it feels like the freaking world is coming to an end. To say that God is in control is true, but right now i FEEL like eveything is spinning....I just can't handle it. period. there I said it. maybe some women can handle crap like this, well i can't. I am going to play that poor me card and just say it, haven't we had ENOUGH to deal w/??????? I mean seriously...i have watched 2 of 4 of my kids suffer from disabilities that I can't do a dang thing about. my other 2 kids have handled it better than I have!! I just want things to be normal. of course then agian, what's normal? who doesn't have their own load of crap? who am I that things should be any different? I am praying for miracles...hoping, pleading....I need a break. I need.... oh i don't know what I need..............

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

2 more days.

Well, 2 more days until Isaiah's IEP meeting. Hopefully this will finally give us some long awaited answers. I want so much for Isaiah to be placed in a classroom where he feels safe, comfortable and can learn and start to go to school on a normal basis. Yesterday was a crap day. I felt like a horrible mom, wife, daughter, you name it....By the end of the night I felt somewhat better. I had scrubbed the kitchen floor, vaccumed the dining room and all the way up the stairs cleaned the kitchen. I am have some serious dizziness going on. I think it's a combination of being anemic and it being that time of the month...I was going to go to Zumba last night but I was too dizzy!
I am trying really hard not to let my anxiety take over....this meeting on Thursday will change things alot. And part of me is scared to death that trying to put Isaiah in school all day is going to send him spiraling down again. For his sake I hope it doesn't. Part of me wishes I could just keep him home w/ me, where I know he is safe, comfortable and not stressed out. But I know what's best for him, and that is being in school like other kids his age. Last year at this time, it was a daily fight w/ Isaiah, I didn't think he'd ever be close to me again. Thankfully we've had time to heal, connect again. I guess right now the bottom line is I hate the unknown. That's what the future is. SOOO unknown. I know that's where my faith comes in. I know God is a merciful God and has Isaiah, and the rest of our best interest at heart. So... I will wait.
Well I am going to go do something productive I guess.........

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Spring is here!!

Well I have so much rolling around in my brain, I don't even know where to start. Blogging helps me vent. I actually don't have anything to complain about, just a lot rolling around in my head. I have been struggling w/ how much time I spend on the computer. I know for sure it's too much. I am seriously considering staying off Facebook for awhile... I have so much I want to do around the house and I have the time to do it, just not the motivation. During the day when it's just me and Isaiah, it's so easy to be lazy and take naps, play bejeweled, lol...Especially now w/ the weather being nice out, I have plenty to do outside. I get frustrated b/c there's so much I want to do but not the money..haha... however, I know I can do alot w./ what I have.

On Saturday we got a package in the mail from my dad! It was so cool!!! The kids got all kinds of presents and candy! I am absolutely loving getting to know my dad! This is something I never in a million years expected. God is doing an amazing thing!! I really want to try and fly down to St. Louis in June, round trip is only $92...then I would pay for a hotel room. I am praying about it, if I'm supposed to go, it will work out. I feel very blessed, my Dad and Pam are good people and love me and my family.

I am not babysitting anymore, I might have already said that in a previous blog... our afternoons are sooo different now. I miss seeing the girls and Ruth, but this was a good change for us. Next week is the IEP meeting. Isaiah's teacher said the occoupational thearpist is very good and so I have a good feeling about this meeting. I would be lying if I said I'm not nervous. I'm hoping they'll place him in the right class and have the bus pick him up right from the house. I also would be lying if I said I'm VERY nervous about how Isaiah will do when he comes home from school. That's when he usually is able to let go of all his emotions.. I am praying for a smooth transition. We've gone so many months w/ him being calm. However, he has been at home, w/ just me and very limited time at school. I know there is a connection..w/ his sensory disorder, having calm, quiet days are what he has needed. He's sleeping now. He naps everyday. Well stay tuned for furher details on the IEP,...haha

Jeremiah is now riding his bike to school!!! I do not have to drop off or pick anyone up from school!! first time in a few years. And J loves riding his bike. The girls are loving basketball! Well I need to get off the computer! I am going to continue reading" Twilight".... I'm one of the very few who hasn't seen the movie or read the book. I'm going to read the book first, then watch the movie!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


well this blog is going to be what I call a "puke blog"... basically throwing up so to speak all the yuck that is going on in my head. First off, I wish I could be consistent w/ working out. I get going, feel like a rockstar, and then totally lose my mojo. I try to push through my feelings... but most times I can't. I'm watching The biggest Loser, I really wish I could put everything into it like they do. I am constantly feeling not good enough, and just the same old crap. Last night I cryed myself to sleep, literally. It was just one of those nights. I am on a vicious cycle. I wnat to be consistent. I know how good it feels when I am... but need to figure out what stops me from continuing that.. it's like a mental block or something..I "feel" like a horrible mom 99% of the time. Quite honestly, as horrible as it sounds, I just feel like I jsut want to be alone. I want to go on vacation and just get my head together. reality is that I don't have the finances to do that for one, and I'm a mother and wife, I don't get the luxury to just go away for a few days...The thought of going to a bed and breakfast just sounds sooo appealing! I also do I get out of this rut? How do I get my head together while I am trying to juggle it all? I have an awesome support system, but if a person can't get it together on the inside, all the help from other people won't do me a bit of good if I can't get my head straight. And how do I do that when I have resoponsibilites, I can't go away and be pampered and get refreshed. Darnell does an AWESOME job in helping me when he's off work. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

Thursday, April 8, 2010


Well, last night I had to bring Haley to bball practice. I had an hour that I could either sit and watch prat. or go workout. I did NOT want to workout. However, I did workout. And that workout sparked something in me, I jogged for 10 min, and walked for 25. For athletes or people that are runners, 10 min jogging might not be a big deal but for me, it's HUGE!!!!! I mean HUGE. It felt awesome. Then I did some laps in the pool. Working out is such a stress releiver. The key for me, is to keep going even when I don't want to. Last night I prayed, seriously prayed that God would help me get up and go early this morning and get my workout in. I wanted to do something different. Change something in my routine that is good. Well, I got up!!! And this morning I jogged 15 minutes!!! And tomorrow I start working w/ a trainer. The YMCA offers a trainer for free for 12 weeks. I am soooo pumped. It's almost the end of spring break. I have to admit, I like not having to get up and get anyone off to school. But, the weather has been crappy for the majority of the week, the kids have been in the house and driving me nuts, lol. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I would rather be home w/ them, having them make me want to pull my hair out, then off somewhere at a daycare or whatever because I was working. I realize for so many moms that that is a must for them. I am thankful that I can stay home. My kids are good, thoughtful, loving kids. They barely fight w/ each other, they will help out around the house and do chores w/o complaining..(too much, lol)... So.. Darnell had to work mandatory overtime. He works so hard. I am thankful for the OT. Well we are off to my friends house so the kids can all play together and the moms can talk!!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

It's been awhile......

It's been a LONG time since Isaiah had a huge episode. Well today he flipped out while in the van. It makes me crazy when he gets like that. He wanted to go to my sister in laws but she said he could come over later. Which is absolutely fine. But Isaiah exploded. He just can't comprehend the idea of waiting. And we can't cater to his every whim and let him have his way all the time. There are things that aren't worth fighting over, but other things, he just isn't going to get his way.
And to add to that, we are struggling financially...we need new tires, oh the list goes on. I know God will provide. He always does. I need to learn to really just trust and not worry. That is sooo hard for me. Darnell is so much more patient than I am and can really just give it to God. I try but I end up worrying and trying to figure things out... I've heard it before and I agree, If I am trying to fix things and do it my way, that doesn't leave room for God to take over and do his thing, I need to let go. And having 2 kids w/ disabilities, some days my feelings just get the best of me. So.. now that I have gotten all that outta my head... I should probably go do something productive. blah...