Sunday, July 24, 2011

LIfe Changing......

Well the last 9 days have been almost the most difficult of my life. That doesn't include the anything that has had to do w/ our kids. Personally, it's been the hardest. I went thru something that no woman should. I of course am not one to hold things in because it's just not in my nature and if I did, I'd blow up and end up in the looney bin. no joke. I'm not getting into details. I just know I have a long road ahead of me, healing, forgiving myself even though I know nothing was my fault that happened to me. 
A roller coaster of emotions doesn't begin to describe this last week. However, I have seen our family and friends surround us w/ love, prayer, support, meals, you name it. Some days I just feel numb. Like I can't feel anything. Of course later on it all hits. But every day it get a little better. Darnell has been fabulous. He's been so supportive. I could go on and on. 
I'm learning a lot about myself, a lot I didn't realize. I have a feeling that in the months to come a lot will come out in me that is good and bad. I am realizing just how low my self esteem is, how I just CAN NOT wrap my brain around the fact that it wasn't my fault. THat is foreign to me. I always feel guilty for EVERYTHING. I feel like I'm not good enough for Darnell, just not good enough for anything. So I know I need to fix this. Well actually I'm relying on God to lead me. Because if I could have fixed this on my own, I woulda fixed it already. 
So at this point, I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster which is ironic b/c I  HATE roller coasters, I get motion sickness on the dang things. I am finding it hard to get back into motion of regular life. I at times feel mad at God. I got diagnosed in April w/ Chiari and I just barely got used to that and now I'm dealing w/ this. I mean REALLY? But I know asking those questions get me no where. so whatever. 
My priorties are changing. If I ever took for granted a quiet night at home, I never will again.