Thursday, December 26, 2013

Haley's surgery...

Haley's having surgery on Jan. 9th. All the pain she's had is from a bladder stone. I feel so bad for my girl. Watching her in all this pain is horrible. And to say that means that what she's feeling is prob 100% worse.  The last major surgery she had was 10 years ago. So it's a whole new ball game. 

I'm still dealing w/ depression and anxiety. I'm so sick of it. I HATE feeling this way. I want to feel normal. I want to wake up in the morning and actually have a desire to be apart of the land of the living. Not just barely make it through the day without at least 2 trips to the bathroom just to either stop myself from crying or cry and make it look like I wasn't crying. 

There are a million things I could/should be doing to be more proactive in helping myself. How do you do that when taking a shower feels like a chore? I've said the same stuff and gone over it all before. I just want this to stop. The weight of it all is making me sad and just disconnect.  I know all the self help..blah blah blah...that's not going to change our cirucumstances or the stupid chemical crap that goes on in someone's brain when you're prone to this stuff. So here I am.. or rather here it is...I'm sick of it. I do not want to keep feeling like this but i'm just to the point that I feel like it's never going to change. so I guess I just deal with it. ? i feel like I'm dramatic or whatever but it honestly is just how I feel. and it sucks. 

Monday, December 9, 2013

Normal? alone? no.

It's December. It was a rough year. I feel ALONE. we have had many, many people reach out, offer and give us support. 

We were blessed by the benefit given for our family. In a way I can never possibly thank everyone enough. 

Now life is back to normal? the depression I already dealt with has gone through the roof. It's Christmas time and I feel like I am just numb. 

I've posted so many things like this. I get tired of it myself. where do I go with all this? I do things to occupy my mind.. couponing. It saves us a lot of money.  I am trying to be the wife and mom my family needs. 
Honestly- tomorrow will be the same. I hate it. I hate how I feel now and how I will feel tomorrow. I hate that we can't give our kids the Christmas I would love to give them. I know it's not about the presents. But they deserve more. I can't give it to them. 
I have been a christian all my life. I know all the verses and such.. I have done everything I know to do to try and overcome this depression through prayer and scripture..
Nothing changes. Ever. tomorrow I will feel the same and I can't make it better. 

No matter what anyone tells me... or thinks.. my husband had cancer. my son is autistic, my daughter was born with bladder exstrophy and is miserable and in oldest son and youngest daughter have to watch all this happen and I don't know how to help them deal with it all. You don't get over cancer in the blink of an eye. yes it could have been worse. yes he is ok now. does that mean I don't deal with a HUGE amount of fear and anxiety because of what I watched him go through? 

I am dealing with all that. It overwhelms me. 

So this post sounds awful and pathetic. so i'll be done now. The next post will be better. 

Thursday, December 5, 2013

work in progress

It's been a crazy year. I just am trying to get thought the days.

I'm working on getting a couponing blog.

I still can't sleep like a normal person. Jeremiah will be 17 on friday. I look at him and am full of love for him. He's absolutely becoming a man that I prayed he'd become, a man that will follow God. I can say though- I could cry that my sweet boy that I used to sing to is now taller than his daddy! I don't want the kids to ever stop calling Darnell Daddy.

I'm also working on getting super organized. I've been following some blogs, FB groups etc.. it's helping me get life organized. I hope to put together meal plans, make freezer meals.. make some good changes so that life in our house will flow.

Homeschooling- officially starting 2nd semester. TOOOOO much change and ups and downs these last months to have started school for Isaiah.

I am going to be (hopefully) starting a new blog.. one that is like so many I see that have pinterest buttons etc...

i'm going to bed.