Saturday, February 15, 2014


It's been a while since I have blogged. I guess because I got tired of blogging about all the hard things I 'm dealing with. 
Things have gotten a bit better but I am still struggling. a lot. 

Doing everyday, normal things feel like a chore. Some days just waking up and getting through the days is so hard. I have shed many tears over these feelings. I feel like everything is so difficult. The days when Isaiah is having a hard day, it literally feels like I have to live minute by minute. I have found that really the only ones that truly understand that are other parents of autistic children. I never know what will set him off. He's constantly bored and hungry and obsessing over one thing or another. As a parent, it's like living on edge all the time. I am doing the best I can. We are researching ABA- applied behavioral analysis. It's a very difficult approach at first b/c we have to be strong while we let Isaiah get to the point that he knows we aren't going to give in. 
How this affects our other kids is a constant worry. I know I need to get into therapy, we prob need to get our other kids into therapy to help them deal w/ having an autistic brother. There are appointments that need to be made and so many interventions we need to do for Isaiah. I'm exhausted. mentally. 
I'm on the lookout for a good support group for the spouses of cancer patients. It is a constant battle not to fight the urge to go on with life.. It seems like I should be able to move on. Look at the positive...move forward. How do you do that when you're feeling like your stuck in quick sand? 
I have done a lot of praying and reading my bible. I have found a lot of comfort in knowing that God is still with me while I am struggling. I know that we will have trials in our lives and I am so thankful for God's grace that I am still getting through. Maybe not in my time frame, but I trust God. I just want any friends or family that read this to know that I am not pulling away b/c (if you think I am ) I am mad at anyone. 
I just am drained. It takes all I have to get through the days and I am barely doing that sometimes. My husband and kids are getting the short end of the stick. My first priority is to give what i do have to them. There isn't much left over. 
So I guess I feel better. for at least writing this. I may sound like a broken record but honestly, oh well. None of this goes away overnight. Darnell having cancer and being treated for it was the single most devastating thing to ever happen. He is the love of my life. He is the ONLY person in the world that knows me better than I know myself. Having that threatened by cancer completely turned me upside down. Even with my faith and all that, It is not something I can let go of. the threat of it coming back.. scares me to death. I never in a million years thought we'd be dealing w/ this. I was already dealing with Isaiah's autism and Haley and bladder exstrophy, making sure Jeremiah and Savannah were ok... having my security completely rocked when Darnell got diagnosed was the last straw. people can move on and let go b/c of a good prognosis. I am working towards that. I am trying to be everything my family needs me to be. I love them so much, so much so that I am heart broken that I can't get past the depression. it's like if I can't even give my kids and hubby what they need from me, there's really nothing left for anyone else. God will see me through this. It just takes time. 

oh and if you do read this, whoever you are.. I am selling thirty-one gifts. PLEASE consider helping me get this business going. I want to book parties and I feel like people give other people a chance and I am asking the same. I need my friends and family to help me out!