Monday, April 8, 2013

WARNING!!! I am venting... read at your own risk.

Warning.. I am venting. I will NOT apologize for what I blog about, especially not today. So if you are going to have a problem with what I write, stop reading now. 

Life has been hard. big shocker. when isn't it, for anyone? 
lately it has been one thing after another. as a mom..watching your kids go through crap is about as bad as it gets. 
Isaiah is not in a good place. We can hardly get him to school. When he's there, he does little to no work b/c he won't cooperate. 
not because he's this defiant child who just doesn't want to. 
not because he's a menace.
because he suffers from bi-polar disorder as well as asperger's. And I don't know what other mental disorders that go along with these things.
Anxiety is what is ruling his world right now.
what would YOU do if your 9yr old was so overwhelmed by anxiety that he can barely walk out the door to get on the bus? 
When he gets to school the teacher has to coax him off the bus? 
I could go on and on. Anxiety is real. It sucks. It sucks a little bit more when your 9 yr old is suffering from it. The way is presents itself is through anger, frustration etc...
Medicine helps but by no means makes a big enough difference. 
So now.. we have to decide on a daily basis whether or not to send him to school based on the facts.. will he be able to make it to school and not hurt himself or someone else? 
His special ED teacher is an ANGEL FROM HEAVEN! She's awesome! 
She gets him. thank GOD. 
We're having an IEP meeting to decide the next step. when he was younger and all this happened we had to keep him home from school and a teacher came out to the house a few times a week. That worked wonders for Isaiah.
Somethings gotta give. He can't go on like this. 
I can't. Our family can't. 
I'm drained. So drained and heartbroken for my boy. 
I am trying my best to find help for him.. I am hoping to find something for him to do in the summer. 
I'm overwhelmed. I've dealt with my own anxiety lately.. all this is just too much sometimes. well all the time. 
Just when I thought Haley was over the spasms for awhile.. they started again Saturday night. Hit her like a Mack truck. Seeing her in pain, cry so hard.. is heart wrenching. She doesn't understand why. She's dealing with physical pain and emotional pain. She wants to know why she has to deal with this. 
When she was a baby and would have pain.. I had a bit of comfort knowing she wouldn't remember any of it. 
she's feeling all of this and remembering it and realizing that this is just part of her life. 
Now how the hell do help her feel better? yes I pray for her, with her.. however seeing her go through this is so hard. It's harder than I ever thought it would be. 

so much to deal with. I also am a mother to 2 children that don't have any major issues and I feel like they are getting less of me.. I'm so consumed with all these feelings of guilt and fear and I just don't know what to do with it all.

Yes I trust God. yes I know he's here. however right now I am not feeling it. And yes I know it's not about how I feel. I've heard it before. I have said it before to other people. 
This is just me being real. as real as it gets. vulnerable.. honest.. and letting it all out. 
like it or not.. this is where I am at. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Blogging, cleaning, organizing, my!

My life has been consumed by Pinterest lately. But it's paying off! 
I have re-organized about 3/4 of our house! We have limited storage space and a weird layout so we have to use our space wisely. Before I was introduced to the world of organizing the way Pinterest portrays it, I was too overwhelmed! Well my friends, I am now well on my way to being organized! 
....let me say that part is my favorite. Getting rid of crap we don't need and throwing stuff out is fun for me. 

I have spent many hours figuring out what will work best in each room, how to use the space wisely. It's working out well. 

With all the purging then comes cleaning. And as I was cruising through different blogs, I found many that gave recipes for homemade cleaning products. My friend Amanda has also been an inspiration. 
COOKING! my family especially likes this part. I am finding tons of recipes. With the couponing I have been doing, I have also started making meal plans so that we can save as much as we can on groceries. Before we were coming up with things on the fly, Darnell did the grocery shopping but was stopping at the store a couple times a week. NO GOOD! 
We save money alone by making less trips to the store! And now that I have a Kitchen command center on my fridge 

This is what it looked like, I am tweaking it as I go... but now the kids know what is on the menu for the week. I have to add some things but I think this is a good start. 
One website that I really LOVE is

It has given me many ideas and inspired me to do things differently. 
As I said in my previous blog post, I am trying to save money save space.. be efficient in all things. Some days I'm overwhelmed by it all..but it actually gives me a new purpose in this whole stay at home mom gig. :)

Dealing with a lot of issues with Isaiah. Prayers would be appreciated!!! 
a pic of my small pantry.. a WIP (work in progress)

and a Pic from my front porch the other morning...