Monday, June 29, 2009

Not Me Monday!!

I am copying the idea of "Not me Monday" from MckMama, a blogger who I follow and love to read blogs!! Not me Monday consists of confessing or rather not confessing of the things we all do/ don't do that we surely are not fessing up to in our blog! So here goes..

This past week we opened our pool! Yay! I most definately did not look forward to this for the simple fact that my kiddos will stop complaining about how hot they are.... I also did not wait to make lunch until the kids came in and asked for it because of course I did not want to interrupt the peace and quiet I was enjoying in my lounge chair. I mean, if they are hungry, they'll let me know...right? Well for the record , they were hungry and I did feed them. LOL

I am an admitted Starbucks FREAK~!!! I definatley would never ever imagine or even consider getting my coffee in the a.m. and when my husband called me on his way home I did NOT say of course you can bring me Starbucks home-decaf of course because it was after 8 p.m. That would just be INSANE!! hahahahaha

I also wouln't dream of using bribery w/ my sweet kids! I definately didn't bribe my son w/ an ice cream cone if he got on his van... I also DID NOT tell him that the ice cream shop was closed just to get out of going.. I would never tell a lie....

Friday, June 26, 2009

Pool, God moments

Our pool is officially open and up and running, and it's already June 26th, lol.. with our crazy WI weather and Darnell's schedule it just didn't happen until today. We had to buy a new pump. Thank God for Darnell's the kids had a blast! I am even tired and I jumped in and was in for just a bit.. Janis came over and hung out all day.. it was really nice! We both layed out and got some sun! 2mrw Darnell is off and we are going rummage saling in the a.m. probably and then spend the rest of the day in the pool. Hopefully if it's not too humid I can get some yard work done. I need to get the yard cleaned up some so that when we have pool parties the yard will look nice. I am still believing and waiting on God as far as our porch goes! All in his time. Sometime today I was thinking about summertime, this is our 3rd summer here. I'm still in awe in how God has blessed us w/ this house. I tend to worry and be anxious about EVERYTHING. Well I am doing my best to allow God to do his thing! I feel like He clearly said to me today" When are you just going to sit back and enjoy the blessings I have given you?" SOOO true! I don't have to have all the answers for down the road or even for tomorrow.. God already does. So I need to let that stress go. God gives us enough Grace for today. It's not like he's going to give me a whole bunch of grace and mercy so I can bank it and if I use it all up, then tough luck...Each day, each minute for that matter, God will be there. So, I am working on just enjoying the moment. All the moments I cherish are going to add up to a fruitfull, blessed life that I will completely enjoy. If I dont' do that, I will miss out on what God has for me. I don't want to miss a thing.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Feeling very domestic!

I got a lot accomplished today. I FINALLY vacuumed my dining room which was in complete disaray. I fixed my ceiling fan in the kitchen and even have the light sconces( spelling??) in the dishwasher so they won't be yucky. For some odd reason, I feel so accomplished when I get stuff like that done. Very domestic. So many women need to feel powerful and all that, and I won't lie when I say I would like that feeling once in awhile too. However, on the whole, I feel very satisfied when my home is in order. When I know my family's needs are met. I think this past year or so I know I've been falling deeper into a depression, so now that I am starting to come out of it, summer is here, the windows are open, I am feeling better. I love the smell of clean laundry, fresh sheets that were on the line outside, seeing my beauitful children golden brown from the sun...I was changing loads in the basement and I asked Savannah to help, she is so willing to help. All of my kids actually are. The girls are going to make wonderful wives and mothers some day, if they chose to. I hope they do, lol..

I keep having these waves of dizziness...I am sure it's because I have a prescription
I need to pick up and haven't had it in a few days. I have to go pick it up in the morning. Tomorrow is going to be crazy. But in the morning it will work out that it will be just me and Haley for a few hours. I am looking forward to it. I have been feeling like she needs that and the time for it just fell in my lap. Thank you Jesus! I know it wasn't a coincedence. God is looking out for my little girl! Well I am off to put the laundry away...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

crazy fun summer days!

Today was HOT!!! It's like a week and a half ago, we all were freezing our tootsies off here in WI, now BAM summer has hit! We took the pool cover off, for once I had the bright idea of taking it off before it rains so that it's easier to get off w/o all the water..score for Melissa! And the water actually looks decent, the winterization stuff worked well. We can actually see the bottom. So Darnell has to shock it and then run the filter, vacuum it and we'll be up and running! I can't wait. I am very unmotivated lately. I have sooo much I need to do, want to do, yet I do NOTHING! What will it take to lite a fire under me? My day today consisted of dropping Savannah off at peer mediation training, going thru the walgreens drive thru, the band drive thru, starbucks, dropping the kids off at KK( kiddie Korner) all before 8:30 a.m. I had at least showered, but my hair wasn't done, no makeup, lol.. I spent the morning hanging out w/ Nikki and the girls. They are precious! Summer is officially here and I have a feeling I am going to be more worn out by the end of it then I am when the kids are in school. I put a ridiculous amount of miles on my gas guzzling van( still VERY thankful for it though)! However, I am glad I can be home, and be w/ my kids, as much as they may drive me nuts! What a boring life I would lead w/o my beautiful kids to make me squirrely! They are fabulous kids! I could go on forever. I just feel blessed. In spite of the recent drama w/ Isaiah, I can still see how blessed I am. I am trusting God. Waiting patiently. Trying VERY hard not to complain. Some days I whine and go on and on..but this is me. Take me or leave me. I try my best to be real and I won't ever apologize for that. I don't want my kids to ever look back and think wow, my mom acted one way at home and another way somewhere else. I might be crazy, but at least I'm consistent, HA HA HA!!! Serioulsy though, these are the days that are going to allow me to grow, to learn and to lean on God. I now am going to go to bed! The morning comes way toooo fast!!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Off to a good Monday!

Monday...and it's actually off to a good start! Savannah has peer mediation training this week from 8-1, the other kids have kiddie corner 8:30-11:30, Isaiah has his program from noon-4:30..busy busy..but this morning Isaiah was in a fabulous mood! Actually all the kids were. Makes monday mornings go so much more smoothly! I have so much cleaning I should be doing. I just don't know where to get the motivation from! Yesterday I sat down and wrote a letter to God. We need this porch thing taken care of. We don't have the money right now to do it and we have a deadline from the city to at least make a good dent in getting it started. In the past I have written a letter to God, claiming scriptures that assure me God will provide for our needs. So, I felt a huge release when I did that. Now I wait. It's all in God's time, not mine. He's never late! Last summer when Darnell lost his job I had been looking at my roses that were just coming up and God really impressed upon me that the new roses represented life, beauty, this last few days all my roses are blooming and again I felt like God was showing me that each rose represents the fruitful life and many years God has for us in our home. Some may not see it that way, but God speaks to all of us in a different way, thru various things to get our attention. 10 years ago I would have walked past a rose bush and never even noticed a thing about it, now that I'm older and appreciate taking care of a home, having hanging flower pots, rose bushes, making my house a home. That is how God speaks thru me and to me. Right now I am waiting on God. I am realizing that I have to learn how to wait. I have spent so much time worrying, being paranoid, etc..and God clearly states that he will take care of all my needs. It's such a comfort. I am waiting on God w/ Isaiah too. His situation requires a lot of patience and I have come to the point that I have NO other choice but to wait and trust God. I need to learn my lesson that I cannot bully God into making things right at the exact moment I want it. So.. I humbly will get on my knees and wait. I am thankful that God gives us mercy and grace.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Carpal tunnel???

Yesterday I made myself drag the shop vac(borrowed from my mil ) and vacuumed the basement..when I was done, I was sweating, and my right hand was almost trembling. Which confirms, to me anyways, that I do have carpal tunnel or something of that nature. Then when I woke up today, my hand is still tingly and hurts all the way up my arm. Now that I finally have the motivation to do some major cleaning, my hand is killing me. And if indeed it's carpal tunnel, I do not have the time to have surgery to have it fixed!! Darnell is working tons of overtime. Which is great financially, but difficult b/c that leaves me w/ Isaiah in the evenings. Right now, he's gone pretty much all day. He's at kiddie corner 8:30-11:30 and then his van picks him up at noon and gets home at 4:30. But last night he came home and OMG it was like he was possessed. I hate to say that, but he was just fuming and angry.. I don't know if everything is just catching up to him..who knows. I'm just the mom. I don't know jack about what makes that boy tick, lol..The other kids are having a good time at kiddie corner. They are such good kids. And today's blog is done because my hand is killing me! lol

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

First offical day of summer vacation!

Well today officially began our summer vacation. Kiddie Corner started. They all were looking forward to it. I was very impressed w/ myself, lol, because I got up and was showered before 7:45 a.m. I had the dishwasher loaded, Jeremiah brought the laundry to the basement, the kids were all dressed and ready to go. We had a few hiccups w/ Isaiah once we got to Lockwood park, but he ended up going. Then when we got home I had to keep the momentum going so he would get on his van. I had to pick him up, but he got on. He was crying, but not throwing a fit kind of crying. We are making progres. It's very slow, but at least it's in the right direction. I got the downstairs vacuumed, I still need to dust and scrub the kitchen floors. I think I'll save that for tomorrow. Jeremiah of course is at his home away from home, hi Bff Blair. He's spending the night. So..for the first day of summer vacation w/ 5-6 kids in tow it was a good day! I even got a short nap when just the girls were home and they were playing "friends" Now Isaiah is home and playing too, I just heard him say " What's up girlfriend?" LOL!!! On that note I'm off to make dinner.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Day 3 of mini vacation

Well we home. We came home early. But the kids are still at mom's and aunt Joanie's. I have had a 2 FULL days of doing absolutely NOTHING! WOW! I am now missing my kids. On Wednesday when I dropped Isaiah off at Joanie's, I was still reeling from that morning's continuous episodes, now that I am over that, I miss my boy. And as far as the other 3 amigos, I miss them terribly too!!! It's so funny that in the midst of the chaos, and business of life, you can let yourself get so irritable and crabby and worn out. Now, after a few days of peace and quiet I feel like I have at least some of my sanity back, haha. I feel rejuvenated. Not completely, I think it's going to take a lot of time for that, and a whole lot more counseling sessions. But I have a plan. I need to get my head straight. I need to get back on my exercise routine and really dive into weight watchers. I know if I feel better about myself, I will be better equipped to be the mother my kids need me to be. One more day of school left. Jeremiah will be an official 7th grader.. it makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. However, I am soooo proud of the young man he's becoming. He's a good boy, he's sensitive, he's thoughtful, respectful, I just couldn't be more proud of him. Haley is just as awesome..she's so smart, she's so sweet. Banna, she's just can bring a smile to your face and make you laugh. She's so smart, so diligent about her school work. My kids are awesome. It's been a nice break, however it will be good to have everyone back home tomorrow! I am going to savor every moment of peace & quiet because after Monday and school's out...well school's out, enough said, LOL!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Happy Birthday to me...

I'm 32 today. big whup. I received TONS of birthday wishes via facebook and phone calls, all that made my day! My sweet niece Livy sang me happy b-day w/ the help of her wonderful mama and my bff, that was such a highlight of my day. THe morning? I sat in the St.Mary's parking lot by the ER deciding, do I bring Isaiah in or not? he's gone balistic, by that point had had 3 huge, raging, violent episodes and it wasn't barely 10 a.m. And of course this all happened for the most part while I was driving..not good. God was looking out for us. To be quite honest, I am so MAD, I am so sick of all this shit. Warning! Swear words may be used, sorry to offend anyone who may read this, if anyone does, but you'll have to get over it, lol, so damnit I am freaking sick of all this. I know it is NOT Isaiah's fault. However that does not diminish the fact that our daily life is diminishing to nothing but avoiding his rages or dealing w/ them. This isn't normal for a 5 year old. When he's calm, he's been more talkative, saying things like, I'm going to make a good choice mom, positive stuff. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I just feel COMPLETELY fryed. Darnell and I are leaving tomorrow for the trailer for almost 4 whole days. So tonight or rather today and tonight have been spent doing ALL the laundry so that I won't have any to come home to, packing everyone up. Jeremiah is at the Willoughby's till tmrw after school then mom is picking him up. Aunt Sheila is picking the girls up from school and the 3 of them are going to be at grandma's and aunt sheila's. Isaiah is at Joanie's. He does well there. Hopefully he will cooperate and get on the van for his program. I am going from 10-11 a.m. tmrw for the Johnson Wax testing orientation so I can do the testing and make a few extra bucks here and there. Then will be leaving for the trailer! I am trying to get the house as clean as possible so that when we get back I won't have a huge mess to come home to. Monday we have a family session at Rogers Memorial w/ Isaiah's social worker. I am hoping to figure out a plan for Isaiah that will address these violent episodes. What makes me the most pissed off is that this is only happening at home and w/ me. Well when Darnell's home he still has them at the same rate. But shit, I feel like the biggest failure as a mother. I have family and friends that tell me differently, but how can I not feel like shit when my son pratically beats the hell out of me, my other kids, I have zero control over him, he calls the shots, or so it seems. Something's gotta give. anyways, i have pissed and moaned enough. Same shit different day. At the rate of sounding melodramatic, just because it's my birthday doesn't mean anything should change. so big whup....

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Tuesday tuesday...

Well, Sunday was better, the kids went to Joanie's for a few hours so I came home and took a nap ;) When I picked Isaiah up he had a fever. Yesterday he still had a fever so I kept him home from his program. Then Mckinley called and said Jeremiah was in the nurse's office. He was sick too. I think that is probably only the 2nd time he's ever called home because he was sick. So yesterday I had my sick boys home w/ me. I've had a headache on and off for a couple days too..Isaiah went to his program today. It was a bit of a struggle to get him on the van, but I got him on. I swear the saying " what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.." Well I am going to be flipping She-Ra or Wonder Woman by the time this boy is raised, lol...Darnell is cleaning up the supper mess, God bless him. I don't feel like doing anything. I can't wait to leave Thursday. No kids, no messes, just peace and quiet! It hit me that this will be last taste of that for the next couple months because the kids are done w/ school on Monday. They start kiddie corner on Tuesday. Isaiah will go there in the a.m's and then come home and go to his program. That will be nice. I won't have to worry too much about him fighting w/ the other kids in the afternoons. I think it will be good for the other kids to have a break. They put up w/ so much, If I could "reward" them in some way for being such great siblings I would. But for them it really just comes natural. So it will be a win-win situation for Isaiah to be at his program and the kids to swim and all that with some peace. We also found out that the social worker at Rogers Memorial will have a family session w/ the kids too, and we'll have a therapist do home visits to help w/ the home issues. So.. I feel like we are making progress. Tomorrow is my birthday. I hope I have the energy to get all the cleaning done I need to do before Darnell and I leave on Thursday. I want to come home to a clean house! The kids just gave me their hand made birthday presents, a sweet letter from Savannah and a couple of art projects, Haley, Banna & Isaiah all gave me these little clay projects from art class. It all just makes me feel so loved. It has been eating Savannah alive for like 3 days to give me the presents, lol.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Today sucked

Today absolutely sucked. Yesterday was awesome, today however was 100% opposite. I am too tired to type all the details, but the end of it is that I am drained. So drained. I have to much to do and w/ all the wrestling I did w/ Isaiah and his episodes that I feel that I went 10 rounds and lost terribly. I will say, my daughters are so awesome. They put up w/ so much from their dear darling brother and still play w/ him, give him hugs, the whole 9 yards. Jeremiah is equally awesome! So although today was ridicoulsly ( totally don't know how to spell that..) out of control I will still go to bed knowing my kids are wonderful. And so are my mom and Darnell's mom who both came over today when I was at my wits end. There is just nothing better than having a supportive family. It makes a world of difference. On that note, I am turning the computer off..and going to bed! Thank GOD!!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

One moment..

Well this evening I had a moment that will stick w/ me forever. To back up a bit, the last few days have been extremely difficult, for the whole family. This morning Isaiah just went nuts, didn't want to go to his program, blah blah blah, so I called my aunt linda because I just needed someone to give me an idea of what to do..well she said the same thing I have been saying, there is something just wrong w/ a 5 year old telling ME, his MOTHER what he is and isn't going to do. It doesn't work that way in this house pal.. anyways, Uncle Chuck called, said he was on his way put on a pot of coffee. So he got here and sorta put Isaiah in his place ( which he clearly needed from someone beside me or Darnell) He told him point blank that he WILL be going to his day treatment program today. Isaiah calmed down, rode his scooter a bit before the van got here and when it did, he started the waterworks, my tummy hurts...yada yada yada... Uncle Chuck picked him up and put him in the van, after about 5 min of a stern talking to, the van took off...whew...I was so relieved. I relaxed the rest of the afternoon. Darnell was in Racine today so he came home on his lunch w/ my favorite pizza (BBQ chx) and then revealed to me that he and the rest of my family have been planning a little getaway for Darnell and I next weekend ( June 11-14) at uncle chuck and aunt linda's trailer. He's got the kids all set for where their going to go.. he was trying to keep it a surprise but because of Isaiah's treatment program he had to tell me. So that is awesome and gives me something to look forward to. Then, when Isaiah got home, he had a small incident w/ Savannah, thankfully I was able to distract him w/ cleaning the dining room table( it's his new thing, lol) well I took the girls to church and me and Isaiah came home. We went on a walk and since we are a block from the lake we just went around the block and then he asked if we could sit on the bench facing the lake. We sat there, he leaned his head against me, and THAT moment, made all the other hard moments fade away, even for just a minute. We counted the sail boats and talked about the birds..It was a priceless moment that I soooo needed to have with him. Then as we were walking back home and I was looking up at our house it was like God was clearly telling me, I have provided this home for you, all the things in it, you have never gone w/o the essentials..etc, so why would I even question that he won't A) provide what we need for the porch and B) provide any other need that I seem to let anxiety get the best of me. Why do we question and fret and worry? God has proven over and over that he is faithful, He is for me, not against me, what he has in store for me is what's best for me. I sometimes think or fall into the line of thinking that God just has put me on the back burner and then have a pity party...that is not the case. So...thru this journey of dealing w/ 2 kids w/ disabilities and 2 kids that have to deal w/ siblings w/ disabilities.. I am at a point that I have to Trust that God is leading me. I am glad I didn't miss that moment today w/ Isaiah or for that matter the moment where I felt God gently reminding me that He is in control, he hasn't abandonded me. And on that note, Isaiah has just woken up and hopefully he isn't have a night terror!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

sick and tired

Isaiah went to his program yesterday and didn't today. I was SOOO mad. I will put it right out there and say I am sooo sick and tired of his moods and episodes dictating the whole dang day. He blows up about everything and dang it I'm SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!! I reallly serioulsy don't know how much more I can take. We have this porch crap to take care of & that's stressing me out..I know I need to trust God, and I feel like I have been trying so hard to put my faith in him and it seems like things are just getting worse! I've got no motivation, i need to clean and be productive and I just can't seem to get myself together...I feel like I just want to say ok God, ENOUGH! So there..I need to spit that all out.