Sunday, July 24, 2011

LIfe Changing......

Well the last 9 days have been almost the most difficult of my life. That doesn't include the anything that has had to do w/ our kids. Personally, it's been the hardest. I went thru something that no woman should. I of course am not one to hold things in because it's just not in my nature and if I did, I'd blow up and end up in the looney bin. no joke. I'm not getting into details. I just know I have a long road ahead of me, healing, forgiving myself even though I know nothing was my fault that happened to me. 
A roller coaster of emotions doesn't begin to describe this last week. However, I have seen our family and friends surround us w/ love, prayer, support, meals, you name it. Some days I just feel numb. Like I can't feel anything. Of course later on it all hits. But every day it get a little better. Darnell has been fabulous. He's been so supportive. I could go on and on. 
I'm learning a lot about myself, a lot I didn't realize. I have a feeling that in the months to come a lot will come out in me that is good and bad. I am realizing just how low my self esteem is, how I just CAN NOT wrap my brain around the fact that it wasn't my fault. THat is foreign to me. I always feel guilty for EVERYTHING. I feel like I'm not good enough for Darnell, just not good enough for anything. So I know I need to fix this. Well actually I'm relying on God to lead me. Because if I could have fixed this on my own, I woulda fixed it already. 
So at this point, I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster which is ironic b/c I  HATE roller coasters, I get motion sickness on the dang things. I am finding it hard to get back into motion of regular life. I at times feel mad at God. I got diagnosed in April w/ Chiari and I just barely got used to that and now I'm dealing w/ this. I mean REALLY? But I know asking those questions get me no where. so whatever. 
My priorties are changing. If I ever took for granted a quiet night at home, I never will again. 

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Thursday thoughts......

Today it felt like the Chiari reared it's ugly head and flared up on me. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't pleasant either. I have SOO many phone calls to make for appointments for me, Isaiah, dentists appts for everyone, IEP meetings to set up for Isaiah....maybe that's why my head hurts. I know the only way I'm going to get answers about my own health is to just get things taken care of, make the appointments and go. Part of me I think is stalling b/c I don't want to deal w/ either A. the Dr telling me.. Oh you are fine to which I will say plain and simple, bull shit. Or B. You have the following things wrong with you..... to which I will say DAMN IT! But I need some pain meds. I need some relief. So enough of that. 
I never imagined my life turning out this way. If I had to make a list of pros and cons, the pros definatley would win. It's just the cons are some real big ones. I read in Acts tonight that God doesn't want to always change our circumstances, he wants to change us, our character.  So I am trying to see where he's wanting to refine me and all that. Don't get me wrong, I have days where I just am not happy at all about the hand I've been dealt. However, I realized a long time ago that God did not promise that life would be easy. He never promised anyone that. We look at people and get jealous b/c we think they have it all and blah blah blah... well I think if we keep thinking like that, we are never going to allow God to help us get out of our junk. we can't be looking at everyone else and then expect God to just pull us out of our bucket of mud. We need to reach out. I'm learning that, and have gone around the mountain so many times i'm getting dizzy.  Now I have kids watching me. I don't want them to repeat the same cycles. I pray God will give me strength to keep my mind and emotions in balance when everything doesn't fall into place. I pray that for the many friends I have that are going thru some pretty crappy stuff right now. 

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Day 2

Day 2.

So this is what it is like to have only 1 child. All I can say is WEIRD!!! Jeremiah left for camp yesterday morning and the girls left for "Project Go" w/ Pastor Jen. Yesterday D and I walked to the zoo w/ Isaiah. Of course it was hotter than haites..then in the evening D had softball so I took Isaiah down to the beach w/ Jack and we walked along the shore. Needless to say, Jack doesn't like water. And I don't like Jack rolling around in sand after he's been in water. lol. 
I was talking w/ Isaiah, trying to connect w/ him. It's very hard. He will give hugs, I love yous, but to truly connect w/ him is really hard. He was saying that he didn't know what to do...I said well it's past 8:30p.m. we've done everything we're going to do for the day, then I asked him, just to see what he'd say. What do you like better, for things to stay the same always or for things to be different even just a little. He said, and very aggressively I might add, THE SAME!!!! That struck a nerve. He's a different school for summer school, were trying to introduce the possibility of him going to Wadewitz in the fall. He's not liking any of it. This week w/ everyone gone, he's really turned upside down! My little love. 
How I wish I could read his mind, feel his feelings, just so I could know what to do to make things go smoother for him.
Our brakes went on our van. That's going to be a $250 job, which isn't bad considering my uncle is getting the parts at his cost and my cousin is putting them in, however we won't have the $$ till a week from Thursday. Which means no van till then. I get a little nervous.. I mean this week it's no big deal w/ the older kids gone, but next week when they come back and everything goes back into full swing again. I must say, 10 years ago or more, I would be crying right now. Car trouble to me used to be the end of the world. Thankfully God pulled me through that! So at the very least the kids might miss a few activities... life as we know it will not end! Not like I once thought it would! 
It's funny to look back at what used to stress me out and what stresses me out now. 14 years ago, it was if we'd have enough $$ to buy Jeremiah diapers, now it's making a million dr appts and the different health issues. 
Well I think it's cereal for dinner. 

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Have you ever looked at your children and just can't get over at how beautiful they are? And not in the vain way, like oh they look like me sort of way...I'm talking, Look at what God created? Our 4 kiddos came out of the womb looking fabulous, just about. I'm not being prideful, just honest. It's true what they say, mixed babies are gorgeous! haha. The one catch was.....ready for it, 95% of the time, everyone said that they all, all 4 of them looked like Darnell or someone on his side of the family. Which isn't a bad thing obviously b/c we have gorgeous kids. But can't a mom catch a break once in awhile? lol... Well.. for the record there were a select few that thought  one of the girls looked just like me etc..and now as they are getting older they are starting to resemble me more. And who they look like isn't so important really, it's just amazes me at how God created these intricate human beings that have this little feature of Darnell's and this one from me. Or Savannah can make one pouty face and look just like me (surprise surpise)or Jeremiah, with his voice changing can sound almost like Darnell. That is what I love about having a big family. You see so much of each other all over the place. And even in the extended family.
I see so much of my cousin Jordan in Savannah. That vibrant, fun loving spirit in her just like him.
Haley and Jack

Darnell and Jeremiah in the pool! 
My good friend Ruth and I out for my Bday!

A great view from our porch! 

The Picture I took from our upper porch from the huge storm the hit.. I sent it into the Racine Journal Time and they published it! 

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Taboo subject of MONEY

Well...Shall we address the subject that SOO many people, especially families, those w/ kids, stay at home moms, etc.. never REALLY talk about? Can you guess what I'm talking about? MONEY!!! Some have it, some don't. Some have a little, some are living pay check to pay check.....some live a life that looks like what everyone wants but really are in debt up to their eyeballs. But, really, no one really knows about how our friends make it month to month. 
We started off young, broke, no college degrees, barely old enough to have a work history.. and it's taken YEARS to build up a good work history( for Darnell). 
Now I will talk about US. I'm not going to get extremely specific, but as most of you know, I'm pretty real. I often find myself feeling guilty about any money we spend on anything that's not bills. Like we don't deserve it. Yes we have debt. Yes we filed bankruptcy in 2006. We have not made great choices w/ our money. I'll be honest. And to be even more honest, there have been times that we panicked, our faith was shaken etc... God has been so faithful. I could go on forever. Throughout the year, we live paycheck to paycheck. Occassionaly we have extra cash to buy a trampoline or whatever. I always feel the need to explain any big purchase we make. 
I went to Chicago yesterday and I sorta feel guilty b/c I spent a little bit of money. 
So the point is... I am guessing I'm not the only one feeling this way. What prompted me to write about this is... all of a sudden my girls need capri's for their missions trip next week, well they need clothes period. They've grown, they need seriously, a whole new wardrobe. I can't even come close to affording that. I've been rummage saleing, going to goodwill.. etc. But it's hard to find the right size... they're at that age where they don't quite fit into the girls and not into juniors, Savannah needs the plus size.. it's so frustrating! All 4 kids need shoes, tennis shoes, dress shoes.. It all just comes at once and I get stressed. They all even need underwear/bras/socks/t-shirts. I know God will provide. But these are the things we deal with. 
I think so many families have their own financial struggles in different areas. May it be credit card debt or a shopping addiciton or what have you...
Let me just share some of the things that roll through my head in the course of a day( this is simply to get it out of my head~ very therapeutic) 
We are out of downy, bounce sheets, dishwasher soap, almost out of TP, I'm throwing away more socks than I'm washing b/c they have holes, the registration on our van needs renewing, Haley wants a hair cut, camp is coming, this child needs this, that one needs that, I can't hardly keep up on groceries b/c I now have a growing teenage boy in my house, cell phone is due, WE energies is due.. you get it. I know this is the same as everyone else. But tonight, for whatever reason, typing it out felt like I was getting it outta my brain. 
The last thing is that w/ all the above to think about that leaves nothing left to do anything fun w/ the kids. We take them to the Dells at tax time. But in the summer, we can't do much.

With all of that venting/complaining, call it what you will, I know God will meet our needs. He always has. I just felt like maybe someone else might read this and can relate. If not, oh well. No harm done. In the meantime, I am praying for God to show me how to save money ( and yes that means me cutting back on Starbucks) and trying to figure out ways to make extra money?? 

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Summer of YES

If you are like me and have children and get asked a MILLIION questions a day...after awhile, you really do get tired of saying no. So I have decided that this summer I am going to try and say YES more than I say NO. 
Let me explain.I don't me Yes to the things that will turn my kids into spoiled brats or let them get away w/ highway robbery. But more Yes' to things like, "mom, can we put make up and do a pretend fashion show?" Normally I'd say NO. Why? well because It just sounds like it's going to turn into a mess. But really, so what? 
Another one is "Can we eat our lunch on the trampoline?" again, I'd say no. And honestly, I don't have a good reason for saying no other than you eat lunch at the table, not on a trampoline. But what harm will it do? There's a ton of ants out there already anyways right? So they eat on the trampoline, think it's awesome and no harm done. So you get the idea. When I said YES to Savannah when she asked me about the makeup/ fashion show she was so excited and I got a big fat I LOVE YOU. That's not why I said I yes, but just benefit. 
It's occuring to me that there will be a summer when the kids will be off working and all in their own direction and i won't have my them asking for these kinds of things. I will regret saying No when I could have said Yes. 

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Why do I blog?

Why do I blog? Sometimes I read over what I've blogged and think OMG I sound like a freaking, whining, lunatic!!!! Then other times, I feel like I've captured that days moments, feelings, things that I may otherwise forget. Years ago, as a teenager I naively thought that I would remember EVERYTHING for forever. Well, obviously I was sadly mistaken! Now I can barely remember what day it is, my zip code or to call my child by their given name. Usually it's "hey you, what's your name!" Then they same MOM, it's "Savannah or Jeremiah!!" Well.. you know... it's all have the same last name at least, lol. 
I also blog to help release the junk rolling around in my head. I have a lot of extra stress in my life that most may not have. Do not mistake that statement w/ a statement of pity. It is NOT. It simply is a fact. So..b/c of that, I need an outlet. And since I still have not found a decent shrink, blogging is the next best thing. I don't get feedback, but I at least can sort of let the build up of stress out a bit. For example, last night, I felt the headache coming on. It was extremely uncomfortable. Then I woke up this morning and it was raging full blown. It feels like you just want to jump out of your own body and can't. It has got to be one of the most frustrating things ever. after several hours, I finally was able to sleep for awhile and when I woke up I felt well enough to at least function. 
Today I had plans~ between the heat and headache, nothing got done and that pissed me off. so.. that is why I blog. If I don't have someplace to at least express this frustration I think I'll lose it even more, haha. 
Darnell is 100% supportive and if he comes home and things are a mess b/c I just couldn't get things done, he is fine w/ it. But most of the time the kids do their chores and everything gets done. 
I blog so I can express myself, keep a journal of what I'm going thru, blog about the things my kids do so I won't forget. It's Melissa Hoaglund, the good and the bad, take me or leave me, love me or hate me. In the end, me and my family will be the ones to benefit from it the most years from now, when we read the fun and goofy things we all did, when we see how God moved in our lives, healed us, saw how things fell into place. That's what this life is all about. If I don't write it all out, I'll forget so much. I want to have something to pass on to my kids. And hopefully they'll know me and love me enough to look past my whining and complaining and concentrate on the real me and take that with them. And see how very much they are cherished and loved. I could go on forever, but I won't.