Friday, July 31, 2009

All Saints Royally sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~CAUTION~ just a forwarning.. I am highly ticked off and fired up.. these are my random thoughs that need to come out someplace, so this is it. Please, if you read this, don't be offended if some questionable language spews forth.. lol
So... we decided to bring Isaiah to the ER.. this week has been hell. I literally have bruises EVERYONE from him, He even got Darnell pretty good..Long story short.. his regular psych dr. said if things get too out of hand, go to the ER. So we did. The first nurse we dealt w/ was fabulous.. her son has almost the same issues, so she knew where we were coming from. At one point they were holding a bed for Isaiah at St. Lukes, WELL...the psychologist(whom I overheard as I walke past the little room"he's only 5, he's only 5".. blah blah blah.. get over how old he is and look at the facts. anyways she comes in to tell me Isaiah doesn't fit the criteria to be admitted. I said well whos' criteria.. well she then tells me it's partially hers and then the insurance..well at that point she hadn't even contacted the insurance company. Well I ripped her a new one. I said what exactly does he need to do to fit your freaking criteria? Oh and she says you can call Dr. callaghan on Monday..well what the Hell.. what am I supposed to do over the weekend, Callagahn said if things get out of hand take him to the ER..that's what I did. I just want SOMEONE on God's green earth to help my son.. Then I asked if there was someone about this psychologist.. well apparently it was the Physicans assistant.. I said, seriously, point blank to this nurse" well does he have the balls to stand up to this high and might pscyhologist?" her response was.. Oh I don't want to get in the middle of it. Well then a DR finally stepped in, actually listened to me and made this chick put the insurance info thru the system Which of course was denied, which I have NO DOUBT that this woman, who clearly thinks she's God, was bound and determined that Isaiah would not be getting admitted was the one who submitted all the info. Well she can make anything sound good, bad or in between. The other times we've brought him there, we didn't have a problem at all. I told her do you want him climbing the walls or what? Her response was" well that not really her nor there" Well the hell it isn't, it most definately is. Does the house need to burn down, do we need to come in completely batter? WTF??So.. despite all the arguing I did, the NICE dr. stopped me before I left to let me know he'd be there all weekend if we ended up back there. He was the good guy for the night.. I still HATE all saints.. I work my ass off to try and get my son help and get NO WHERE!!! Im tired of this shit. I'm tired of being beat up every day.. tired of people just not getting it, telling me he just needs this or that or whatever their cure is..Does anyone out there get that yes, Isaiah is only 5, will be 6 in 3 weeks, but has some SERIOUS mental health issues? It is possbile. People would just rather believe that either A) I just dont' discipline him enough, B) he's spoiled or C) he needs to detox and never ever eat sugar ever again. That idea is a valid point, but at this stage in the game, not gonna happen. My other kids are witnessing all of this, watching thier "little" brother basically bet the shit out of me.. NOt COOL! I'll be the first to admit, if we don't get some relief soon, I may be the one in the psych unit. haha.. so there you have it I guess.. I'm sick to death of all this, I can't make it better for anyone.. I am worn out to the point of no return I think..My 3 other kids are putting up w/ soo more than they should have to or that I ever wanted them to have to deal with..Although I have faith in God, I just don't understand.honestly and truly. I just don't get it..but it is what it is.. so I'm going to try and sleep.. lol.. i'm SOOOOOO tired...I want croissants in the a.m... bad... all this crap makes me want the 2 things I basically could live off of, Starbucks and O & H croissants.. LOl.. how sad am I? good night...if you can call it that

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


Well, I don't really have much to say except I'm angry. I'm angry that my son has these issues that cause him to get so physical w/ the whole family. I am WORN OUT!!! I'm pissed off. I KNOW that I'm suposed to be positive, speak positively and all that, but how do I get to that point? Darnell is awesome..when he comes home he totally fills in the gap, gives me the space I need, especially after a day like today when I feel literally like a battered mother. I am NOT exaggerating...I have a professional opinion to back that up, haha. not really funny i guess...Anyways, tomorrow Me and the girls are going to Great America w/ Ruth and her girls. We went last year so we are making it a tradition. I'm happy to be going and doing somehting fun w/ the girls and all that, however I am soooo wiped out. I just want to veg out. Then Friday we have to be at Children's hospital by 9:30 to bring Isaiah to the constipation clinic. I am really looking forward to when we are on the other side of this mountain.. until then, I just pray that God will keep carrying me...

comfort food....

ok..just for the record.. i am venting..what else is new?? I am royally pissed off that I do not have the extra cash to go to O&H and get my croissants or to Starbucks and get my coffee. I am quite sick of being broke. There isn't much I can do about, Heck, I need to be thankful for all that I do have rather than whining about trival things like coffee and pastry. Why can't I just be happy w/ all that I do have...rather than what I don't? Well I'll tell you why because I'm human, I'm stressed and in desperate need for comfort food. And in all my years I know that I need to find comfort in God, not food. But human nature takes over and I am obsessing over these trival things. When will I get it? Soon I hope...I am praying for a breakthrough in so many areas...

I was a vegetable today.. figurativley speaking..

So.. today (Tuesday) went much smoother than Monday. I woke up literally feeling like a was in a fight, which in reality, I guess I was. Isaiah didn't have a good morning and I absolutely NEEDED Darnell home today. I was totally physically and emotionally drained. Thank God he was able to stay home. I was more than irritated after speaking w/ Isaiah's day treatment social workers. Here's the scenario.. they of course want him there consistently... well of course so do we...HOWEVER, if he will not get on the van, will jump out INTO traffic in a last ditch effort to go, what the Heck am I supposed to do? Well THEY think I should just bring him myself. New scenario.. Isaiah has a history of trying to jump out of a moving vehichle, he will not stay buckled so he gets up and comes after me w/ his fists swinging while I'm driving...get the picture? So I'm supposed to some how bring him in the hopes he won't do that for a half hour drive w/ 5 other kids in the van. And THEY are the professionals telling me to "try" and do that b/c Isaiah really will benefit from the program, he's fine once he gets there..yada yada yada..I'm not an moron, I get all that. However I will not put our entire family at risk. Now that I've wasted too much time whining about that..Tonight I'm up WAY toooo late for my own good. But this is the time of night I get things done. I so wish I could be a morning person. But I know if I wake up early, my kids have radar. It never fails, if I wake up, SOMEONE will wake up too. Darnell and I have talked about getting up early and going for a walk down by the lake. Which sounds wonderful, go for a nice walk, spend some time together before the day starts, get showered and all that jazz before the kids wake up. Great idea in theory for someone who is a morning person, which I am not. And even if I could drag my lazy rear end out of bed and do that, I will most certainly crash around 9 a.m. of course getting up that early will require much more caffeine...but again there's the caffeine crash..So whatever...There are so many things I want to do, and don't. So many motherly traits I see in other moms that I wish I possessed but don't. Maybe the late hour is making me whiny, lol..I think any rate, trying to better myself seems like something that needs to go on the back burner until we get things ironed out w/ Isaiah. That alone requires just about all I have in me and making sure my 3 other precious kids are ok too. God give me strength. We also could use a finanical blessing. Point blank. I need to go to bed.. my eye lids are heavy..

Monday, July 27, 2009

What a day..

Ok.. forwarning...I can't guarantee that my language will be clean.. sorry , but that's just how it is tonight. Today SUCKED!!!!!!!!! I don't even have the energy to type it all.. long story short, Isaiah went COMPLETELY bizerk.. raging, screaming, the whole 9 yards. I have bruises and cuts all over. He tore into my arms and legs w/ his finger nails till I bled. I can not figure out where this rage is coming from.. aside from ANOTHER medicine change...We are not getting any fricking help from Roger's memorial, I had to call 911 because he was so flipping violent, they didn't do shit for us. Whatever.. so now we'll see if if tomorrow will be better or if we'll have to admit him AGAIN...which really doesn't do jack accept scare the crap out of Isaiah and the rest of us are miserable b/c life as we know it is all jacked up. I'm sick to death of this crap. I can't handle much more. Sun-Wed, I'm on my own because obviously Darnell's at work. My other kids have to endure so much that I feel freaking helpless and like they are being scarred for life...Every "professional" person I talk to talks to me like I don't know jack about all this.. what the Hell.. I live this.. I deal w/ it daily.. I can't live a normal life b/c of it. I go back and forth between so pissed off I feel the steam coming out of my ears to being so emotionally numb...So there you have.. the bad and the ugly.. usually it goes, the good, the bad and the ugly... no good today.. hopefully tomorrow...

Saturday, July 25, 2009

New Meds..

Isaiah started new meds again. Last night he woke up in the middle of the night w/ a night terror. I was able to calm him down believe it or not by just rubbing his back and massaging his temples. THen today for the most part the morning he was fine. I had to go into the walk in clinic because I have a UTI and then go to walgreens to pick up my script..when we got home, he just flipped out. He did it again just a little while ago. I of course have NO idea if it's just from the med changes or what. I hate that he feels the way he feels. I can't change it, I can't make it better. Thursday night we hung out w/ some friends and Isaiah played w/ his friend Miles. I haven't seen him play like a regular little boy like that in I don't know how long, if ever. It did my heart good to see my little boy playing like he should. Not raging, not in a hospital, not sleepy from medicine. He had such a good time. I think one of the hardest parts about all this is knowing that I have NO control over this and every day is's so hard to plan or predict from one minute to the next if Isaiah's going to be ok, how he'll handle things etc...I guess that's where I am supposed to trust God. I just wish God would give me a heads up once in a while, lol...

Friday, July 24, 2009

Fun Friday

I had a great day hanging out with 2 old friends from high school, Heidi and Sarah and their kids. The kids swam in my greeen pool, lol and we chatted and reminiced about the days of old, lol.. The pool is green, but clean! We are having a hard time getting the rythm of the chemicals and running the filter and cleaning it. Aside from the color, it was perfectly safe to swim in. So needless to say, the kids had a blast! Tonight my girls are at a sleepover so it's just me and my guys. I am contemplating vegging out OR organizing Savannah's drawers and doing some organizing. I was at a friends house that was SPOTLESS!! That has inspired me. I guess it doesn't take much. But it feels good to get things de cluttered and organized. I FINALLY got all this paper work turned into SSI... something that I had been putting off for forever.. that alone, having it off my mind feels absolutely wonderful. All my other papers, documents, all that stuff is organized! Now I need to get my house and yard going and I'll be on a roll! I guess as a SAHM (stay at home mom~for those that don't know the lingo, hehe) having all that done makes me feel like I'm getting things accomplished. It inspires me to keep my home in order. What inspires you? You being who ever in the world reads this...I think I will write this blog as if someone really is reading lol..But really what inspires you? What makes people tick? What makes you want to go home clean like crazy?? LOL..For me, it's either seeing someone else's extremely clean house OR someone else's extremely NOT clean house. Either one sparks some kind of OCD in me..hahaha Well I guess I have blogged enough nonsense for today.. nothing too life changing coming out of my brain today!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Better day..

Well we had a good turn of events today, Isaiah got on his van for treatment! I felt like a thousand pounds was lifted off of me...Thankfully after today Darnell is off for the next 3 days off..I have some paper work to finish up, which is for SSI, and even though it's annoying, once this is taken care of it actually will wrap up probably 3 years of having to get this all done. THat will be a relief. It's like cleaning the cobwebs up out of all the corners no one sees. Then we need to get Isaiah's room painted. Well I am off to get my boy off his van! at your own risk!!

I wish I could blog about all the happy things in life, be all cheerfull and sickening sweet, but it would be all crap. This is my outlet so I won't sugar coat how I feel, not that I really could, even if I tried. I am just baffled and why God has the notion that I can handle having a son w/ the issues he has? Maybe I'll never know, but dang it, I dont' like it. I went back to school w/ the hopes of becoming a nurse, heck if things would have panned out the way I had hoped, I'd be in my clinicals by now. And of course I know it's in God's time..yada yada disrespect to God, but I just don't get it. I wanted to have a career so we could at least have some financial stability. I have lived my whole life w/o that. So I've learned to adjust, it just gets to be tiring. And I'm tired of watching people my age buying house and cars and looking like they have it all together and I still feel like I'm 19 and barely making it. Ok so maybe it's not that bad, LOL... forgive me for the dramatics today.. I got half my toe nail ripped off this morning by my darling son so needless to say I'm a bit cynical. I have a boat load of things that need to get done and how does one do that when you feel like you have absolutely NO eneregy to do it? Oh blah... I'm sick of complaining. so I think this blog entry for the day needs to end. I'm making myself want to puke...

Monday, July 20, 2009

Not My chid Monday!!!

Monday, July 20, 2009
Not My Child!

Did you almost die of embarrassment when your child walked in on you and your husband doing you-know-what? Want to scream bloody murder when your toddler colored on your floor with a Sharpie? Feel like a terrible mother when your kid used a swear word in front of your in-laws? Well don't! Mothers aren't perfect and neither are children, so today I thought we'd switch things up a little and do a Not my child! Monday!

Sound like fun? Then let's get going!

Well I have been sort of putting of this post all day, trying to come up w/ clever and funny things my 4 kids have done. And believe me there are many. It's remembering all of them. So here goes!

My daughter would never ever pass gas, giggle and then walk away...even though we've told her MANY times that that is not appropriate behavior outside of our home...
This same daughter never chimmied(did I spell that right?) the fridge when she was 2 to get the gummy worms that were on top of the fridge, nor did she like to eat sugar plain and must have taken a WHOLE hand full then proceeded to walk down the stairs to our family room w/ a trail of sugar leading me right to her..MY dear daughter wouldn't do THAT!!
My oldest son absolutely DID NOT use a not so nice word to his younger brother..he didn't just let it roll of his toungue like it's a word a 12 year old says every day.. Nope, not him, and my husband didn't have to tell him the real meaning of the rotten word..nope not my son.
My oldest daughter DOES not get up in the middle of the night, wonder into our room, ramble on and on, not making sense and then falling asleep ANYWHERE..on the stairs, the toilet, half on and half off her bed..not my daughter!
And FINALLY my children can NOT rattle off my compliacated Starbucks drink and tell anyone who will listen exactly what I get from my favorite place or that they just write my name on the cup. Not my children.
So there you have it! I am SURE there are sooo many more funny things my kids have NOT done, lol!!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Good day!

Today I woke up pretty early for me, 8 a.m. on a Sunday morning, well maybe closer to 8:30.. I got up and made home made pancakes for the kids. Haley was having bladder spasms so she fell back asleep. Once I got breakfast done I got sleepy again, I had to take a vicodin for my tooth and that knocked me out for awhile. Darnell had an easy day so he came home for lunch. We went to mom's. She bought me a coffee! I hadn't had one in almost 3 days.. thought I was going thru withdrawl...just kidding. but my mama loves me so she bought me one!! Then we stayed and cooked out. The girls were gardening, Isaiah was watering flowers. I love that they can go to grandma's and have all these memories of gardening, playing outside at grandma's house, and all the other things my mom does with them. They did cross word puzzles w/ aunt sheila. We ended up wrestling in the front yard, it was hilarious!I feel very blessed. I think I have come to a new place in my life in a few areas. Darnell and I have decided that as far as sunday morning church goes, until Isaiah is stable w/ his meds, I am not going to venture out on a sunday morning for church. He does well in the service, however as soon as it's over, he explodes on the way home. I can't take the chance of him blowing up and having another episode like the last one we had after church. Soooo...the kids will go to church on Wednesday nights. I still believe 100% that kids need to be in church. So they will at least have wed. nights. For this season of our life w/ our situation this is how it has to be. I think it was the first Sunday morning in ages that I didn't feel guilty. I also spoke w/ my counselor who is a licencsed pastor( not affiliated w/ my church) really broke it down and helped me see that first of all, w/ all I have going on in my life w/ my family alone, I do not need to feel guilty for not being involved w/ ministry at church. Right now I am pouring out all I have to my kids which I wouldn't have it any ohter way, but I dont' have anything to give ministry wise. I need to be filled. And now days if you aren't involved w/ some kind of ministry it's like you are the outcast. As much as I want everyone to like me, oh well if they don't. If I don't do things traditionally it doesn't mean I'm a heathen, it means I'm doing things the way I need to do them. I have peace about it. And we talked w/ our other kids and they are all ok with it. I am hoping to find a small group to plug into. That's something I have to pray about. I feel like my plate is full, however I know God is giving me what I need to manage. I have an absolutely wonderful husband who supports our family and family and friends that do the same, I might have my bad days, but who doesn't? I feel blessed to be a mom. Today was a good day. I hope it warms up this week so we can actually use our pool!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Story of Us!

It all began 15 years ago today! Well we became an official couple, a few weeks before that we had met, flirted a bit, then at Spencer Lake Bible Camp we had our first kiss! Gasp...I know, first kiss at bible camp! When we got home from camp we made our relationship official. Darnell was 16 and I had just turned 17! On the way home from camp on the bus Darnell had written me a love note, telling me he loved me, wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life waking up to me!! He is a man of his word! In the beginning, probably because we were sooo young, we fought A LOT! It's ridiculous looking back, lol. But now, we hardly ever fight, Thank God. We got pregnant w/ our son Jeremiah when we were 18. We've been thru A LOT, but it is such a blessing to have found the mate God has for you. Darnell is more than my husband, he is my best friend. He ALWAYS remembers the little things, he indulges me w/ Starbucks addiction( thanks babe!) I knows me probably better than I know myself. He's the most selfless man on the planet! He always puts me and the kids first, even when I try to tell him he doesn't have to. After 15 years of being together, and almost 13 years being married, I still am in love with Darnell. He makes me laugh, he loves me unconditionally, and I love him unconditionally! I am absolutely counting my blessings. In this day and age, it's so difficult to for couples to remain together for more than a few years it seems..We have God in our life and I am completely confident that w/o God, we would have been a statistic. I am thankful for my wonderful husband.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Summer time

Jeremiah's been at camp for 3 days.. I miss him. It's not the same w/ him gone. However, I am THRILLEd that he is experiencing Spencer Lake, I went every year for 11 years, and they were the best memories I have. This blog will be short b/c I have a headache and am exhausted! Isaiah had a fabulous day! Not one meltdown! Praise God!!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Paper Work

Well I got a notice in the mail from SSI that I need to send in check stubs for our review.. I have been DREADING this for months, I am mostly prepared because I knew it was coming so during one of my OCD episodes( they only come along like once a year, lol) I got everything pretty much organzied. Now it will just be a matter of figuring out what I don't have and getting it. But on the paper it did say that if I had trouble getting anything they could help.. so I have to make a conscience effort NOT to let this make me nuts. It's these things,paperwork, that stress me out. WHY? you ask? I have NO IDEA!!! So.. I'm going to take a deep breath and take care of it, tomorrow, lol
Isaiah didn't go to Kiddie Corner, he told me point blank he wasn't going to program. I said Oh yes you are! I had to call in reinforcements, Uncle Chuck and Tom came and put him on the van. Thank God. I am realizing that it's time Isaiah stops running the show. I realize there are some things that he can't help, however, there are definately some learned behaviors that we need to address. It's going to be a war zone trying to convince him that He, in fact, is not the boss.
I have not been to a Sunday morning church service in 2 months at least. I need to get back to basics. I miss being a part of church. And obviously the only one to change that is me. I am having a hard time w/ where I fit at church. What ministry does God want me a part of? Lately my life has consisited of just keeping our family on an even keel w/ all of Isaiah's hospitalizations etc.. but part of balance is having church be a consistent part of our life. I don't want to go just for the kids. I want to go for myself, I just don't know where I fit. I guess I'll have to get back into the groove of it and find out!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Pics of ME!!

Not Me Monday!!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Well, let's see here, now that I'm getting the hang of this Not me Monday blog, I have been sort of keeping tracking in my head of the things that most certainly could not have gone on in our home...let me share!
I most certainly am not guilty of sending my daughter to her room, then forgetting she was in there, only to hear "Mom, can I come out now?" This truly is the first time this has happened, maybe..hehe.. I would never have let my 12 year old son pack his own suitcase for a week at bible camp and not even make sure he had enough clean underwear..not me! I would never in a million years let my kids use our pool as a great big bath tub minus the soap..I mean chlorine kills the dirt better than soap..right? I also did not, while trying to give one of our kids a peace of mind my mind, trip over my words, call them everyone else's name but theirs and then completely lose my train of thought and whatever I was going to say went out the window and ended up laughing.. that NEVER happens in my house! I swear! I wouldn't think of telling my son just to pee in his swimmer pull up at the beach so that I wouldn't have to make the mile hike to the yucky bathrooms...nope, not me!
Well although I don't have too much for "Not me Monday!" I'm sure there will be more things next week that didn't happen in our house full of children! Till next Monday!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Lazy Day

Darnell was off today! Which was good because w/ all the kids going in almost 6 different directions, it was a good thing. Good news, Isaiah's bowels are MOVING..and do I mean MOVING!! His little belly no longer looks like there's a bowling ball in there. Jeremiah went to a Brewer game today w/ Sports(kiddie corner) and he leaves on Monday for camp! He's super excited! He and Darnell got his big 'ol metal futon bed out of room and out for the garbage this morning.. of course the junk collectors got it before the garbage men did. If they would have looked hard enough we were kind enough to put all the hardware that you need to put the bed together in a ziploc by the bed.. guess they just wanted it for scrap metal..who knows??

I was super lazy today. I get irritated w/ myself because I see so much that I need to do...and I don't do it. What's stopping me for pete's sake? I usually try to tell myself that eventually will have to do it, so I mine as well get it over with.. I'm still waiting on God, believeing God for an answer to how we are going to get our porch re done. It is still a mystery to me.. I am coming to believe that we aren't given all the details of life all at once...of course for those impatient people like me it makes me insane, but when I take a step back, I see that God is in control. He doesn't have to reveal his plan and all the details to us, we have to trust that he's got it taken care of. Period. I don't have the blueprint of my life or any of the details, but He does. That leaves me with a choice. I can either be patient and find constructive ways to let God do his thing and get out of the way, or I can whine, tell EVERYONE my problems( which I will admit I am extremely guilty of doing) and fret and fret and that gets me NO WHERE! Of course I have to make a very vigilant(did I spell that right??) effort to be patient. I've have done the impatient thing too many times that I care to remember. I'm opting for enjoying the life God has given me, and let him figure it all out and I will follow. Of course easier said than done, but something well worth striving for!!!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009


ok.. now I feel like blogging..I'm crabby. Isaiah already had a mini fit, hit Savannah...knocked my cup across the room. Can I just say ( and since this IS my blog, I will be whining, or complaining..pissing and moaning...that is anyone who reads this their fair warning!) I'm tired of all this. I'm tired of dealing w/ it by myself. I'm tired of being broke, I'm actually tired of the feeling like I HAVE to have starbucks and croissants. It infuritates my husband, I waste too much money on it and causes crabiness between us. I chew ice and it annoys my husband as well. Everything that I do to relieve stress makes or causes Darnell to be mad or irriated and is not good for me. I want to disappear. For awhile. Sometimes I just wish I was invisible. I really am whining..geesh..but I need to vent it out or I'll go nuts..I have to fight so hard to get Isaiah any decent help, and then it still feels like I'm getting no where or going backwards...Everything I do has an impact on someone else...real big epiphany there eh? I'm tired of worrying, and I know all about not worrying, trusting God....the whole thing, yet w/ so much coming at me on a regular riduclous basis, I just want to go on vacation for a really long time. I want to crawl into bed, and stay there. I wish I had the energy that other people do in the morning, to get up early, go for a walk, be healthy, organized.. I'm so not any of that. I know you aren't supposed to be so vocal, but I don't like ME.. who I am, how I am, who I seem to becoming.. how do I change that? God... I'll put it out there... I need a break through... I need a miracle.. I need relief. And the only way that will come is thru you... I've tried finding it on my own, obviously that got me know where...but right now..I need some major relief from the mountains in my life. So.. I think that is enough for today.. I feel sweet slumber coming on.. does that make sense? lol...going to chill

Isaiah's home

Well, Isaiah is finally home. I took him right to children's hospital ER to deal w/ his bowel issues. They did an X-ray, he's full of stool, but there's no obstruction, he's in no pain so they told me to load him up on miralax and bring him to the constipation clinic. I'm just happy to have him home. He's on different meds, well 1 is different, the other 2 are different doses. I'm completely drained. But my baby is home so it all will fall back into place. I wanted to blog, but I feel brain dead so I'm going to watch