Friday, July 20, 2012

Naturally optimistic? Not so much...

You know those people who post on FB at like 5 a.m. that they're up & at 'em ... Exercising, cleaning . You know being all productive and stuff... Well if you know me at ALL you'll know that I am the furthest thing from that. I have been taking D to work at 5 am and when he wakes me up, my first response is not "Good Morning my love" it's more along the lines of ...seriously , waking up this early is nothing but bull shit! Of course I will do it b/c my hard working hubby works his ass off. It's just w/ me being sickits really hard for me to get up that early. Some friends gave us a bike but w/ the extreme heat there's no way he can ride a bike.
Anyway these naturally bubbly people make me want to smack them. No offense to anyone who reads this & you happen to be part of this clearly crazed type of person. And of course at the root of all this is just jealous y that I do not possess an ounce of this type of personality!
So I'm am trying to work w/ what I've got. With the crappy things going on in life right now I need a new attitude.
I plead with God to bring about change, to provide a way for our van to be fixed.
With the Colorado shootings, I have taken a step back. Realized that I've got more blessings than problems.
So- I'm a major work in progress. Ever changing, making changes . Making mistakes. Hanging on to the Hope that God gives me.
I can't feel guilty for being sick, for feeling awful or not being able to keep up w/ things. It just is what it is right now. D and the kids have supported me thru all this and I am truly blessed.
Now I'm rambling... Time to be done!!!

Monday, July 16, 2012

18 years

So... Slightly, very embarrassed about my last post. I tend to blog at night & then the next day I wonder where I got the courage to post what I wrote. It's almost midnight . July 16th. Every year until last year that signified the anniversary of when Darnell & started dating. It still does. We have officially been together for 18 years. Wow, what an amazing ride it's been! I look forward to many more.
Last year things changed. A son of a bitch bastard took advantage of me. It changed me. It took something from me, that I'll never get back. The depression I've been in, the rut... Has just sucked the life out of me. I have questioned everything I've always believed.
However... In spite of it all I'm working my way back. I know God is with me. July 16th will always be Darnell & my day. No one can take that. I made a decision not to let it.
I won't lie and say it's an easy decision but it's one I've made and have to work at. I've got an awesome husband to support me as well as great friends & family.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Feeling abandoned

God, are you there? Are you listening ?
Do you see what I am going thru?
I feel as if you are light years away...
These physical problems I have are consuming me, draining me, crippling me.
I keep waiting for something to change and the opposite happens- things get worse. I feel like every single aspect of our life is being tested.
Our vehicle, our finances- so much so that I can't even tell my son when he can get his hair cut. Our fridge & cupboards are barely thriving... The list goes on. How utterly embarrassing to admit all this. I see people who have it together & honestly I'm jealous. Jealousy has reared it's ugly head b/c if someone asked me if we wanted to do something that wasn't free, no matter how cheap it is- we'd have to decline. I am having awful dreams that I'm being judged for the Starbucks Darnell will buy me here & there when in reality that coulda been a haircut for my son.

So again I am wondering where is God in all this?
A lifetime of believing & trusting tells me he's here- but I'm not feeling his comforting touch or seeing his hand move. I feel abandoned.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Well I just spent over 8 hrs in the ER. I went in thinking I had a possible blood clot in my calf. They did blood work b/c 2 weeks when I was there my blood counts were low, right on the cusp of needing a transfusion. They sent me home. It was a little frustrating to say the least, especially since I've ft pretty awful these last 2 weeks. The nurse said normal levels are 11-12, today mine was 6.7. Well no wonder I felt like crap! Now I am home & and thankful for that , However I do wish I had a cook to make our meals because that seems to be the hardest area to cover!

It will be interesting to see when dr Pae will want to go ahead w/ my hysterectomy:/.