Saturday, October 29, 2011

Productive Saturday!!!!

Today I felt like a normal mom/wife. I had another great morning. It feels good to feel good and not feel like I am unable to do things that I want to do with my kids. Our house was filled with laughter, the smell of chocolate chip muffins that Savannah helped me make. Darnell was playing Yahtzee with the other kids while I was in the kitchen baking. I had pandora radio on the iPad going and felt right in the world. Then Jeremiah made pumpkin bread. He loves to bake, so he wanted to make it by himself. I sat on the stool and helped if he needed it. 

After the baking was done I started cleaning the windows, something that I have not done in months! Darnell had to finish b/c I can't reach the top ones. So not only did the house smell like yummy treats but it also smelled clean. Can't beat that combination. The kids just came in from outside. They smell fresh and like "outside".I love that!! These are the kind of Saturdays that I love. 
I was able to forget about any of the pain I've dealt w/ all week long and just be a mom. This is something I do not take advantage or take lightly. Tomorrow I may or may not pay for everything I did today, but I can't live my life doing nothing and worrying about how I "might" feel tomorrow. I need to be smart about it but definitely not but overly cautious. 
So now Darnell has mac-n-cheese in the crock pot for dinner. Thank God for a great day! 

Friday, October 28, 2011

Great morning

This morning I woke up feeling better than I have all week!! The kids didn't have school & Darnell's off on Fridays. Amazing, the kids weren't busting into our room really early! PTL! It was nice to lay in bed & cuddle w/ D. One by one the kids would knock on our door with a series of questions "Can I play a game on the play station " from Jeremiah... "Can I play in the iPad from one of the girls", " Can I go on the computer ?" lol!! Needless to say there's not a lack of things to do contrary to what they sometimes may think.
We decided to make a bigger breakfast- home made pancakes, sausage & I made crepes for the first time! D went to the store while I was cooking- brought all the kids with him. Bless his heart! It felt good to be cooking for my family, having everyone home & for the first time this week I didn't wake up w/ a headache or horrible neck pain!
I'm very thankful for that & do not take it for granted. I am blessed!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

A Few of My favorite things

A few of my favorite things.......

These are not in any particular order.. 

~Cuddling w/ Darnell and watching our DVR'd shows
~ Starbucks, of course. My fave drink as of late- Salted Caramel Mocha! 
~ Red Moscato wine! 
~ YUMMY cheese from Whole Foods! 
~ Yankee fav scents are, cinnamon stick, autumn wreath, the pine scent.. I think it's Christmas tree or something like that...
~ Being in our bedroom w/ a soft light, a candle lit and watching "Private Practice" 
~ baking.. my next endeavor is going to be finding a red sauce that will cook over a span of a day or two...something really yummy
~ I have found a new love for spending time listening to worship music and having great prayer time! 

These are just some things that I seem to be into lately. I have had a serious case of the "I wants" lately. I have realized  that I need to focus on the great things I do have, not on what I don't have. I believe God wants to give us the desires of our hearts, however I believe he wants us to be content w/ what we have first. I'm working on that. 

I'm signing off of the night. Tomorrow I am going to dive into this blogfrog thing.. very excited! 

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Great Prayer time!!!

Tonight I had a GREAT prayer time. I love that I finally am spending more time listening to worship music, reading my bible and praying. It's refreshing. Tonight, I was really struggling b/c I am looking at our finances thru my human eyes and getting frustrated. Thinking of ways I could make some extra money...when I know that that isn't the answer. It makes me feel useless~ well it did make me feel that way. We've got more that needs to go out than what is coming in.. However, I was reading and was reminded that I need to concentrate on the things above, that I cannot see. My focus is always on the details that I can't change. Well What I can change is my focus. And my focus needs to be on God. It's not my job to micro manage everything. I don't have the answers, but I can lean on the one who does. That put me back into a place of peace.
I know without a doubt that if I don't stay in prayer and focused, my emotions will get all out of whack and the devil will have a field day with me. Well no more I say, NO MORE!!! So I got out my note cards and put a bunch of verses and encouraging phrases that I am going to put up around the house. I need to be reminded frequently, lol. I KNOW we are not destined to live a life of just barely making it. He wants more than that for us. I need to get in line with that. So, it was a good evening. very good indeed! 

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Catching UP

I had a root canal today. I think I'd rather have given birth. Seriously. It took like 8 shots at least, to completely numb the area for the dentist to do what he had to do. I hate dental work. Now i need to save money for the crown. It never ends!!!
Tomorrow I see Dr. J. He ordered the MRI on my back and did the test for the carpal tunnel so I should get some answers as far as the course of action...Then on Thursday I have my epidural shots in my neck. I really feel like an old lady, lol. 
It is a season of change. Isaiah is in underwear. His toileting behavior has not changed, but we decided it's time to push him out of his comfort zone to see if he'll respond accordingly. 
My relationship w/ God has been renewed. When I was in Florida, I was prayed over and prayed with and feel like God just breathed fresh air into me. I'm not saying all of my issues are gone or that I am not going to have my days, but I feel better. I feel like God is in control and I am in touch with that. I know he's got some great things in store for us. It's kind of exciting to see how it will all play out. 
Darnell's schedule went back to Sun-Wed. Which means bringing the kids to church on sunday mornings is left up to me. UGH!! If the situation w/ Isaiah wasn't so unpredictable, It would be fine. But that's just not the case. I have an appointment made for him~ I think he needs a med change. He's starting to get physical again and rage more. And w/ my health issues being unpredictable, well let's just saying planning anything is darn near impossible. I'll give it my best shot. I know that's what God wants from me and I'm happy about that. 
I'm thankful for my beautiful family, my awesome best friend, Julie. After 22 years, she still amazes me by how she still takes the time to call and text me.. She's been right by my side these last few months and I couldn't have gone thru it w/o her. well and of course she's not the only one but today I'm just feeling the love for my BFF, lol. 
Time to sign off. 

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Oh bother......

The leaves are changing, well a lot of them have already fallen. I'm home from Florida. I really like it there. I can't wait to go back for our vacation. I was hoping my getaway would help me feel refreshed and it did to some extent. However I started my freaking period the day I came home, our 15 year wedding anniversary! So I have horrible cramps and am extremely bitchy. 
I wish I could go to some sort of retreat or place that you can talk w/ christian people that will help you, guide you thru hard things. I don't want the religious answers like" You just need to pray more" Oh well, jeez, I hadn't thought of that! I don't mean to be cynical , but really, I've been in church my whole life. I know all the "right things" to do. Well guess what ? sometimes they don't work. You have to think outside the box. God doesn't do everything the same for everyone. Healing comes in all sorts of ways and I am still searching for and praying for God's healing for me. Honestly, I'm tired of christianity being measured by how often you are at church or how often you miss. Or if you are involved in a bunch of stuff or etc...There were many years that I was involved.. My life right now doesn't allow for me to be involved. I'm tired of feeling guilty about it. If I am struggling and I am dealing w/ a crap load of issues and have nothing to give, there's no way I am about to attempt to try and give something to someone else. Ok so I'll get off my soap box about that one. I'm tired of the religious spirit. enough said. 
when I was in Florida I was prayed over and MAN I know God was talking to me. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that change is coming. It's time. we've been chasing our tails it seems for so long and getting no where. I'll tell you what, that's no fun and definitely not what God intended for us. I have realized that I am a daughter of the King. He wants to bless me. He wants to bless my family. He doesn't move. We need to move closer to him. And I have become aware that in some ways I have come closer to him and in some ways gotten farther away. I am slowly, at a snails pace, getting to the point that I need to block out what EVERYONE else says, thinks, or even what I think someone thinks about me and follow God. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else. 
I trust God. I have faith. I'll be completely honest and say that my faith and trust have been tested and are weak at this point. But God knows that. He knows why. But it says if we have the faith of a mustard seed God can move mountains. well I have lots of mountains I need moved outta my way! lol. One of them being my own sour and negative attitude. That's probably the first and biggest ones. So that's at the top of my prayer list. 
I'm done. I'm starting to babble which is my cue to sign off! 

Saturday, October 8, 2011

It's time for Healing

I'm in Florida!! I can't believe I'm still awake! I got up before 5 a.m to go to the airport. It was overcast a bit rainy here today, hot and humid. I still can't believe I'm here~ AGAIN! I'm so thankful for a husband who sees when I need a break and does everything in his power to give it to me. I mean let's be real, I've been a mess these last few months. Whether it's emotionally, mentally, physically, you name it. So much has gone on in such a short time. I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed and like I just needed an out. Not for forever, just a break. Darnell saw that~ before I even did. I always thought when people said that they needed "their space" it was such a cliche, a cop out. Well I stand corrected. Regardless of how well meaning anyone has been, I feel like I've just wanted to be like a turtle and stay in my shell. I don't exactly know how healthy that is, but it's how I feel. It's not that I don't love my family any less, that I don't want to be there for them, I just Can't be. and that's hard to say. to admit. I'm the mom. Mom's are supposed to be able to suck it all up and be there for your family. I am learning that I have put too much pressure on myself. I will be up front and real ( like I always am), I got diagnosed w/ Chiari in April, I have had migraines and chronic headaches for months, I was raped in July and then my health got even worse. I feel like whatever could be thrown at me~ was.It's hard to be there for anyone right now b/c I can barely pick myself up. However, I don't want to be that victim. That person who sits and stews in my mess of circumstances. I didn't create them. I didn't do anything wrong. I know I need time to process things and deal with it all, but I don't want it to all become a handicap. 
I have a family that needs me. And I need them. So I am praying for God's restoration. For healing and direction. Ok so I've got some issues, I'll deal with them. but I don't want to be depressed anymore. I don't want my life to pass me by. I feel God tugging at my heart, I feel like he's starting a good thing in our life. something new and different. I don't know what..yet. but I won't find out, I will hinder that process if I allow myself to stay stuck in the crappy circumstances I have. 
Darell gives me Hope. I truly believe God just fills him up with so much hope and positivity that it's wearing off on me! THANK YOU JESUS! I am praying again depression and oppression and financial issues. God wants to bless us. He wants to open the flood gates and bless us because we are his children and he loves us. I welcome that, I invite that in and all the yuck can just leave now. 
If anyone reads this and is a pray warrior and you feel led, please pray that God would deliver me from depression. I don't want to take meds anymore. I want healing. I am ready for healing. And I pray a blessing over my family. they are my life, my everything. I am so blessed.