Sunday, October 24, 2010

No Ordinary Life

It is clear that I do not and never will have an ordinary life. For quite some time I tried to fight this. However, I am tired of fighting it. God has put me on this path for a reason. Some times I feel, well honestly most times I feel very unequipped and like a failure. I realize that that is a lie from Satan. God knows what he's doing. He sees something in me, that maybe I don't see in myself yet. But I'm getting there. I often feel that people are looking at me and critizing me, judging me etc...When really I am doing my best. And God has blessed me beyond what I ever thought was possible. I HAVE to stop comparing my life, my circumstances to others. It not only drives me crazy but does not help me deal w/ what I have to deal with.. if that makes sense. I do have 2 children w/ disabilities. Haley's is not so apparent, yet it's there. It's something she will deal with her entire life. There was a time that our lives were consumed w/ bladder exstrophy. And that may or may not happen again. It s what it is. With Isaiah, it's a day to day. And I also have 2 children that have to watch their siblings deal with all this "stuff". So obviously, there are no signs of an ordinary life here. And that's ok. Our family is unique in many ways. And instead of fighting it,I am choosing to embrace it. Own it. Thru all of this, we have so many more blessings than not. It is truly amazing how God takes all that is meant for evil and turns it into good, to glorify him. I am surrounded by awesome friends and family. My precious babies..are everything to me. Darnell is amazing. He understands me, he loves me just as I am. He is perfect for me. God absolutely knew what he was doing when we got together, when we were only 16 and 17. Today I did NOT want to go to church. I fought it to the bitter end and then finally gave in. The sermon was exactly what I needed to hear. God is NOT done w/ me yet. It's not over till He says it's over. That gives me great hope. I don't feel like it's hopeless. So with all that being said, our daily lives will be different from most. We face different challenges, circumstances that can't be changed until God wants to change them. Until them I will run to God. I will bury myself in Him when I feel like i can't go on. I will let my children see me at my worst and at my best. I will let them see me run to God and be filled with hope and peace. I will let them see me find refuge in God. I also will let them see me find comfort in Darnell, in our families and friends. They will hopefully grow up seeing not only the differences we've faced but the where to run when it gets to be too much. So, our not so ordinary life is filled w/ challenges but filled with much more love and fun and blessings from God. I guess I wouldn't want it any other way.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Loving my family!!!

Well my fast didn't last...I set myself up for failure I think. I expect or want to do something perfect, and then when it doesn't happen, I come down hard on myself. So, I need to find balance. I did zumba 3 times this week. I love zumba! I want to lose this weight. However, I need to get in the right frame of mind to do it. I get all gung ho and then crash... something to work on.

All 3 of my guys are downstairs knocked out on the couch. It's so crazy sometimes to think of "my guys"...I love it! My sons are gorgeous. Just like their daddy! Darnell is such a great dad and husband. My girls are at a sleepover. it's so amazing to watch them grow into young little women. They are so precious. I am proud of them. They are good girls. I think I probably talk a lot about my kids on my blog, but really, they are my life. I need to cherish the moments that they are young and still want to be around me!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Day 2 & 3

Day 2 of my fast went well. I went to Razor Sharp Gym, they have a 1 week free membership. Today is day 3 and I have zumba tonight so I am contemplating whether or not I want to go to the gym too... we'll see. I don't want to over do it, however I want to get this weight off!!! My house is clean, I love it!!! The girls do the dishes, which is awesome b/c I HATE doing them. I am caught up w/ laundry. The only thing left is the bedding! Good feeling. It's like getting all A's on your report card. Not that I'm getting graded, but since all the kids are in school all day, I want to use my time wisely. So having a clean home makes me feel accomplished. And Darnell and I both feel that the kids need to keep up on their own chores, so that helps me even more.
I am so proud of my kids. They are good kids. The other day we dropped Savannah off at school and Jeremiah said 'Love you" before she got out of the van. we didn't tell him to, he just did. I LOVE that!!! Of course they don't always feel that loving towards each other, but they still are close. If I had one goal for my kids, it was that they would grow up loving each other. Some days, not so much, hahaha.. but that's normal. They know how to push each other's buttons. They also know how to push my buttons, but since I went postal on them a few weeks ago, they have been minding their p's and q's, hahaha. They saw the very very raw version of a mom in need of a break! Which I am only 21 days away from!!! It will be awesome! I need to get myself together.. I think I may go to the gym!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Fast and Zumba!!!!

Today I started a 5 day pouch test. It's for people who have had gastric bypass surgery. Basically, it helps you get back on track w/ the same eating habits you had after surgery. It works really well, especially when you have gained some weight back. Today, I only drank protein drinks and water. I don't feel hungry at all b/c my protein drinks are high in protein. ANd I drank a TON of water. I hope you keep this going for longer than 5 days, or at least a loose version of it after the 5 days. Day 1 was a success!
I also did 2 hrs of zumba tonight! It was great! I sweat my tail off, lol... I really like zumba and eventually would like to become an instructor. I am a ways off, but its something to think about. For starters, I need to learn the moves, master them and all that. Right now I am about as far away from that as I can get, lol... I LOVE to dance, so this is right up my alley. Learning how to dance, getting in a great workout...awesome! The only problem I have is I get headaches after I work out. I mke sure I am well hydrated and even take tylenol before hand. Definately need to get that figured out. Well I am off to sleep.. zumba wore me out!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Fun week!

This week was so much fun. I got to spend a lot of time w/ Meg and Coli-bear!! I can't wait to go to Florida and hang out w/ them and Aaron as well. I am still so much in awe that Darnell is sending me off to Florida for a whole week!! He keeps telling me to go, don't worry, relax.. What a guy!!!! It will be weird. As an adult I have never really gone anywhere just by myself. Well except for a missions trip to LA 7 years ago. I am soo excited!!!!!!!!!!!
Meg did my hair and it's AWESOME!!!! Isaiah said I look like a rock star!! It's amazing how much a new hair do can make you feel more confident. I went and got my protein shakes so I can start my 5 day fast on Monday. I did zumba 3 times this week. I am loving it! I hope I can keep going and find more classes to go to. It burns calories like no body's business and it's fun!
It's Friday night, Jeremiah is sleeping over at my sister in law's, and the other 3 are entertaining themselves in the girls' room. My kids are awesome. Last night I almost knockd Haley down the stairs because I was going down to change the laundry and she was coming up the stairs, only she was sleep walking!!! I had heard her talking to Savannah, lol... It's so dang funny. She never remembers a thing, If i hadn't stopped her she would have come barreling up the stairs..not sure where she would have gone once she made it up the stairs...good thing we have dead bolts on the doors!!

I feel like my thoughts are all over the place tonight! I am so excited about Florida, then not too long after that all the Holiday festivities begin! Then the new year, I am really hoping, rather praying, that Darnell and I can sneak away for some much needed time away. We'll see what happens. I am also looking forward to beginning my protein fast on monday and finding as much zumba I can do! I am feeling very motivated. Maybe it's my sassy new sexy hair do.. whatever it is, I am happy I have the motivation and excitement to start making better choices.
Well I am done for the night.. not much left to say!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Happy Anniversary!!

Today is Darnell and I's 14the wedding anniversary!! I can't believe how fast time flies. I remember when we had first started dating and we were talking about "someday" when we would be married and have kids...Now, here we are all these years later, 4 kids and still in love. We have had a lot of rough years. However, had we not gone thru all that we have, we probably would not be as strong of a couple as we are. I NEVER thought I would get married, when I was young that is. I did not think any man would be interested. God surprised me with this amazing man who just happens to be totally in love with me! And I am still very much in love with him. I am proud to be his wife, the mom to his kids. Darnell is an amazing husband. He thinks of the little things, spoils me way more than I deserve and when I tell him not to, he tells me to be quiet because he loves me. I'm telling you, our boys will definately know how to be good husbands and our daughters will have a high standard if they want to marry a man like their daddy! Darnell and I are best friends. He works long days and we text and talk a couple times a day. I can't imagine my life without him. God has been the glue that has held us together. I am so blessed to be married to my best friend. And, after 14 years I can honestly say I AM more in love with my husband now than when I married him. I am the one who has gotten to see him grow in the Lord, grow as a person, Father and husband. And I must say, he is quite the man. I look forward to many more years together. It's hasn't always been easy, but anything that is worth what we have, comes w/ a lot of work, a lot of prayer and dedication. God knew what he was doing. He knew I needed Darnell. I love you Darnell. to the Moon!!

Monday, October 11, 2010

I will NOT apologize!!!

Just random thoughts........

I will NOT apologize for who I am and what I believe. I will not be sorry that I am an emotional, sensitive woman. I am a mother and a wife. I will not apologize for the fact that I will do EVERYTHING I can to keep my kids innocent as long as possible. I do NOT believe and will not give into the saying and justification..Oh, kids are going to do "it" whatever the "it" might be.,anyways. I will not make exuses or hide the fact that I want my children to NOT be exposed to all the crap in this world. Am I in denial? NO.. but as long as they are under my roof and I am responsible for their well being, I take their spiritual well being just as serious. They don't HAVE to be exposed to everything, it's OK to say NO to what everyone else is doing. I will be that mom who says NO when I feel strongly to my very core that something one of my children will come up against is wrong for them. will they make their own choices? yes, I don't want to rule their life. I want to guide them. It's easy to be lazy and say oh nevermind it's not worth the fight. I will fight for my kids, I will fight to keep them innocent as long as possible w/o making them naive. They get one childhood. I get one shot as a mom...I make mistakes, I screw up. I am human. But at the end of the day, I will be able to say that as a mother, I didn't give up. I have 2 kids w/ disabilities, I will do EVERYTHING in my power to be their voice, their advocate. I will help make a way for them. I trust God completely and totally. He trusted ME to be the mom to these 4 awesome kids. I guess that's quite a mouth full. just feeling very strongly about how I raise my kids. And w/ every "I" that as typed should be replaced w/ "we".. Darnell feels the same way. I will no longer apologize for the emotional and pshychological issues I deal with It's the hand I have been dealt, some days are great, some aren't. I will do what I can. I work HARD at not comparing myself to other moms. I am me. No apologies, no exuses. Take me or leave me. I won't settle for 2nd best for my kids. I won't expose them to things that they don't need to be. so.. I'll step down from my soap box....

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Nice Saturday

We went to D's cousin's house for a house warming party. They had a pig roast. so I like pork and ham just as much as the next guy, but it creeps me out just a little bit to see the pigs entire body, including the body being carved open. It's kinda gross. But I did try some and it was good. Then we went to my mom's for a bonfire. The kids were playing ghost in the Graveyard...They will have such wonderful memories. Savannah got stung by a bee that must have been in the grass.. an hour later she was still crying.. Oh my .. that girl is really going to give some man a run for his money some day! She takes after her momma!!!!!! LOL
I pulled something in my lower back again. It hurts like it did when we moved. Not as bad, but same place,same type of pain. I don't have time for that crap. I was working on the basement last night and must have over did it. I am learning the hard way that for whatever reason, if I do a lot of bending and picking things up, it causes my lower back to hurt. Not sure why, but it does...Anyways I got a lot done and cleaned up some stuff I've been wanting to do. I have a few bags of junk to go in the garbage and a whole lot of stuff to donate. How we always seem to be giving stuff away and still have so much stuff is a mystery. well I need to go to bed.. church in the morning! it was was a beautiful fall day and tomorrow it's suppose to be 82 degrees!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Good week

What a week!! Monday and Tuesday I spent most of the days taking care of some bills... way stressful. Thankfully it all worked out. Isaiah had a rough week. He was a loose cannon for 3 days! It's literally like watching someone flip a switch. Thankfully, this week I DID NOT go into the usual funk I go into when he gets like that. A great step in the right direction. I also think the fact that I am going to FLORIDA in 34 days helps A LOT!!! I feel some guilt about going, especially for a whole week. HOWEVER.. if I have learned anything in the past few years, If I don't take care of myself, I will not be in the right frame of mind to do what I need to do for my family. Plus Darnell is the one who suggested I go visit Aaron and Meg! I will stay with them so I do not have to rent a car or stay at a hotel. Plus I get to hang out w/ them and the baby. I'm leaving on Wed Nov 10th and coming back the following Wednesday! I can hardly believe it! I have been going on and on for MONTHS about needing to get away. I absolutely DID NOT think it would happen. God makes a way.. even for a stressed out momma!!! lol...

Darnell will be working over time this month.. we have to get some stuff on the van fixed. I am at peace. I feel very excited to even say that. It's been a LONG time. slowly but surely things are getting better. My children are happy and healthy. Darnell has a decent job and loves and provides for our family. Who could ask for more?
I love fall. The colors are gorgeous, the smells, the leaves.. it's all so beautiful! The only thing I do not like is that winter is right around the corner... yuck. I am going to try and be positive though. I have to deal w/ it regardless so I mines as well make the best of it. I say that now.. we'll see what i'm saying in Jan or Feb!!

well I will have more important things to blog about another day, lol..

Monday, October 4, 2010

catch up!

I spent the morning taking care of am feeling MUCHO better compared to the last time I blogged. I am really doing my best to stop letting circumstances get my panties in a bunch over everything!

It has occured to me that the time I have spent missing my kids being little I could be using that time to enjoy where they are at right now. They are beautiful kids. They were beautiful babies and now they are gorgeous kids. They are good kids.

Last week I spent most of my time painting the spindles on our porches. UGH!! my hand was on fire!! Then on thursday I fell down the dang stairs and bruised my ribs..I may only be 33 but I can feel that I definately am not 23 anymore, haha...Because when I hit the bottom of the stairs I felt it!
Well I am done for the