Friday, December 14, 2012

struggling, mad, heavy heart

Today started out as one of the hardest days I've had in a few years. Isaiah is having some issues lately and today was probably the hardest day for him. And for me. A few years ago when we were still going thru the process of getting him diagnosed etc.. we had countless mornings, days and evenings like this morning. It's one of the hardest things as a mom to watch. His anxiety is real. His feelings are real and he's a 9yr old little boy who just doesn't know what to do w/ all that. 
I will be VERY honest and say that today, I'm just mad at God. It's not the first time and i'm sure won't be the last. The questions that race thru my head are WHY? why must my son deal w/ this?!? So I get that everyone has their stuff, we all suffer etc.. but today, right NOW...I'm angry that I have to watch my son physically deal w/ anxiety. Pacing, wringing his hands, hitting things... you know it. God could have spared him from this. Every parent wants the best for their kids. I am just in a place that I'm so OVER watching my kids suffer. 
Darnell is awesome w/ Isaiah, he can talk him down and reason w/ him to some extent. I can't. I'm ok with that. I just wish I could make it better for Zaya. I have a heavy heart tonight. And of course today was a horrible day in our country.. all those kids that were killed in Connecticut. I can't imagine, can't fathom,can't wrap my brain around it. So in spite of all the feelings I have and even if I am angry w/ God right now, I pray God will be with those families. Tonight my babies are all safe, sleeping and alive. 
And for the record, being mad at God doesn't mean I have lost my faith or anything like that. In the bible it says that we can be angry at God.. a lot of people were. It's how we deal w/ it. I am admitting it. I'll get over it. Ultimately I know God is in control. I just don't understand it all. I don't like it. That's where the anger comes in. It just sucks. 
I've had 1 day off in 20 days and that was 2 weeks ago, and I have 10 more days before I'll have another day off. I'm tired. emotional...
all this change, all this working has been taking it's toll on Isaiah. I think that has something or a lot to do w/ why he's so out of whack. Our routine is not normal at all. That alone can really cause Isaiah's behavior to spin out of control. Any changes..this just happens to be a big one. Thankfully it's only for a little while longer. 
oh what a day....