Monday, June 17, 2013

heartbroken.

I know they say "this too shall pass" 
I've been hearing that and saying that for years. I think it's crap. Today I do anyways. 
We have hit some huge issues w/ Isaiah again.. 
daily life is hard. Some days it feels impossible. NOTHING is working with him. He is going through a med change right now. He goes in August for a full neuropsych evaluation. 
This is breaking my heart. Seeing my boy go through all this is the worst part. I'm prob going to sound like I'm having a huge pity party today.. well so be it. I've watched my daughter endure physical pain that broke my heart.. and know that it's not going to go away.. I can't fix it. Now with Isaiah.. I'm watching him go through this mental/psychological meltdown after meltdown. He is starting to get physical again. 
I'm drained. I have NOTHING left to give anyone. Which is horrible, I mean seriously horrible because I am have 4 children, a husband.. I need to keep it together. I can't. I really and truly can't. 
Everything else-life stuff is feeling like it weighs a million pounds. a car we need to run isn't running.. one of my meds is going to cost almost $200 b/c I have to get a 3 month supply through our insurance. I don't have it. I'm selling scarves and trying to sell things on the FB garage sales to make extra money to put towards just a medication. My girls need summer clothes.. 
I'm seeing a counselor( THANK GOD) but right now, today.. I got nothing. I pray and I cry and do it all over. I realize I am prob supposed to accept the hand we are dealt.. we've been dealing with this for long enough.. but this is me. This is how I am. emotional. overwhelmed. and scared.