Saturday, May 17, 2014

It's been awhile...

Where do I begin? I haven't blogged in so long prob because I didn't want to say the same things I've said before all over again. I honestly don't want to hear "Oh Melissa, just look on the bright side, look how far you've come...yada yada yada".. 
WELL NOW. Do you think that I choose to look at the circumstances I face and go.. Oh well I just am going to ignore the good things in life. NO NO NO. If you really know me, know my life, my circumstance and know my HEART, you'd know that I'd love nothing more than to walk away from the junk feelings and embrace all that God has for me. I have good moments, I have days that I do embrace all of it. If I didn't, I wouldn't make it day to day. But there is this thing called mental illness. Depression. Anxiety. Just b/c you ignore it doesn't make it less real. I face it and fight it everyday. I'm seeing a counselor. I do as many of the pro-active things as I can. 
Do you ever wake up with that feeling like you just can't breathe? Or you're so frozen with fear that you're afraid to move? If not than please do some research. I can prob say with almost 100% certainty that someone else you know feels this way. And they too feel misunderstood. That feeling, on top of everything else, makes people like me feel even worse. 
I haven't blogged b/c I don't want to hear one more person to tell me to cheer up, look on the bright side, focus on the good not the bad...or the huge list of other things said to people like me that once you've said those things, I just want to punch you in the face. seriously. I'm not lying. 
This doesn't mean I don't have faith, if anything it brings me to my knees even more b/c I can not in any way shape or form have any hope to come out of this in one peace if I don't keep hanging on. Does hanging on to the Lord mean I am not going to feel crappy? In my opinion, no it doesn't. It means I am human. I am dealing with my issues in the best way I can. Not the best way YOU can. I know God is walking with me.  My walk with God is going to look entirely different than your walk with him. He meets me where I am at.  

In spite of all that ^^ A lot of GOOD is happening. We moved into a a much bigger and fabulous home 3 weeks ago. We got to paint the kids rooms and they picked out the colors.. there were so many personal touches we were able to make. It's been a huge blessing. The actual moving process sucks but now that it's all done, I'm loving it!