Thursday, January 6, 2011

questions??

So, the beginning of the new year has been pretty good. I have gotten back on my eating plan according to the weight loss surgery plan. I did zumba, and my weight loss yoga this week. Yesterday and Today I ate exactly how I should. It feels good. It feels good to have control. Yesterday during Zumba, I think once the endoprphines kick in, my mind goes into high speed. I seem to get all these ideas, all these thoughts of things I want to do. For example, I want to write a book. I want to write about real women, real christian women who struggle with feeling like not measuring up, having unusual circumstances that make you stand out from the "normal christian mom". I do NOT fall into that cateogory. With that comes guilt, shame, feelings of not knowing where you belong. I know I am not the only one to feel this way. However, I do feel as if I have a very different lifestyle than a lot of moms. I have a husband that is OUTSTANDING.... really, he just is more than I could have ever dreamed of. I have one child w/ a physical disability that is chronic, that she will deal w/ for the rest of her life, we have been thru hell and back w/ the surgeries and still face the unknown for her future. I have a son who is bipolar, which is not a very PC diagnosis. People don't get it, don't understand it which leads to not wanting to accept it. We've had to fight every step of the way to get him the help he needs and I still don't feel that it's enough. We also have a 14 year old son who has the biggest heart, the sweetest spirit, the most loving attitude I have ever seen in a teenager. I worry though about how these other things we deal with affect him. I do know it has brought out compassion, empathy and a great love for his siblings. I just dont want it to make him feel overly responsible. We also have the most spirited, fun, outgoing, daughter on the PLANET!!! She is Haley's best friend at this point, she is right there when Haley is in pain or having bladder spasms. She is the comic relief in our family and she doesn't even try to be. She is so comfortable in her own skin. So....the dynamics in our family are not typical. we are relatively young parents. we raise our kids based on Godly things. Although in the last few years, I will be very honest and say that I have pulled away from our church for various reasons. Not being able to bring Isaiah, depression, a feeling of just not wanting to go. Not that I am leaving my relationship w/ God, but my view on church is changing. Not my view on God. so, needless to say, I have all this going on. It causes quite a bit of internal turmoil. what do I do to make everyone happy? to make my kids happy, my husband, myself, and ultimately my God? How do I define the difference between guilt and conviciton? Am I one of those people God is going to use to go against the "norm" and be different? I am not sure. we shall see. Am I meant to write about all this and at some point share it with the world? Is my blog just for me and a few faithful readers, or will more people benefit from what I experience? time will tell. For now, I am going to cuddle w/ my sweet hubby!