Friday, March 2, 2012

Anxiety

Well I don't think it's a big secret that I deal w/ anxiety and depression. Lately it has really had a hold on me. The least little things are stressing me out, making me on edge and well just making me feel horrible. I have a few appointments this month and I am already feeling the anxiety of having to go to them. Why? I don't know. That's the hardest part. Explaining WHY I feel anxious about simple and ordinary things is darn near impossible. It sucks. It literally feels like someone is sucking the life out of me. I am the mother of 4 kids, one that has special needs and I NEED to be on top of what's going on w/ him. I am but I know that I could be doing so much more!!! 
To want to do things and then with everything in me feel like I just CAN'T is the most horrible, indescribable feeling. 
Then when I am feeling good, my mind races with all the things I am missing out on, all the things I want to do since I am feeling good at the moment. Of course that moment is ALWAYS at night. So by the morning, the worst part of the day for me those good feelings are long gone and replaced by feelings of anxiety and fear. 
I just am worn out from the war that rages within me. The feelings of guilt for not being the mom/wife I want to be or think I should be. 
I see other moms and just wish I could have it "together" like I think they do. Why is it so hard for me to do the things that I used to do and want to do? I am fighting the tears as I type because I am just so sick of crying and fighting this. 
I feel like a failure at just about everything, I realize this is not true but my mind tells me something different. 
I am not writing this to write a sad story~ this is just where I am at right now. I have faith and I pray and I just still feel  lost.